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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help my DB has died suddenly

97 replies

RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 00:57

Had a phone call 4 hours ago from his FIL to say he collapsed in the shower and died he was 48 had an absolutely adored and much tried for dd. He lived 6 hours away and I am at a loss at how to process it. I live with my Mum who is 74 and has 2 serious medical conditions and I had to break the news to her. I don't really know what I am asking but fuck I am in a mess.

OP posts:
chezbot · 30/05/2019 00:59

I'm so sorry OP. No words but sending love

Chanteuse · 30/05/2019 01:00

So sorry that's awful. Sending love. Take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. Flowers

LindsayDentonsCat · 30/05/2019 01:00

I'm so sorry. Is someone with you?

Original poster
RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 01:01

His dd is 2 and him and his partner are both on the asd spectrum. I worry how his partner will manage on her own he was the higher functioning of the two and social services only backed off after the birth due to his abilities (she is an amazing mother just not demonstrative or able to convey her feelings) I am just rambling sorry

OP posts:
NiteWotcha · 30/05/2019 01:02

Oh my goodness that's such awful shocking news, Resting
I'm so very sorry for your loss SadFlowers

LondonHuffyPuffy · 30/05/2019 01:02

I’m so, so sorry. What horrible news to hear and being so far away must be excruciating. I can’t find any helpful words right now but I am happy to listen if you want to keep talking xxx

Original poster
RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 01:03

Lindsay My Mum is finally asleep next to me and my youngest dd is in her room asleep. My Mum wants no-one to know she wants to grieve in private as he lived away no local gossip will happen but I need to talk about it

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 30/05/2019 01:04

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a terrible shock for your family Flowers

Keep posting on here if it helps, there's almost always someone around during the night.

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 30/05/2019 01:06

I am so sorry for your loss. Do you have any other siblings? Could someone stay with your mum and could you go see your sil & niece? They will need love & support to process the loss. X

Original poster
RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 01:07

I keep trying to take comfort in how muxh he fucking adored his dd to the point of annoyance... The best kid ever 😂😂 like we all do. They tried for 14 years and had no luck including 4 ivf cycles then just as they were about to adopt a puppy found out they were pregnant. Then got told they wee very high risk for downs but continued and then had a beautiful little girl. Sorry making no sense but just she'll shocked

OP posts:
Original poster
RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 01:09

Drama no other siblings and my SIL is with her Mum and Dad luckily. I live with my Mum and will just do my best to try and help her.

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e1y1 · 30/05/2019 01:13

No words but I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

GoldenRule · 30/05/2019 01:13

@RestingButchFace I am so sorry.

You'll need people around you tomorrow to help you and provide practical and emotional support because of course you're still processing this terrible news.

I know your Mum wants to keep the news private for now but do you have people you can rally around you tomorrow? In these situations everyone really wants to help and be there so please lean on them.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 30/05/2019 01:23

I am so so sorry OP. Daffodil You must be shellshocked/feeling numb. Brew I don't find the world very fair at the moment and the death of your brother just seems fucking cruel - I hope your niece's grandparents can step up to help fill the void. I do feel for you.

nocoolnamesleft · 30/05/2019 01:25

I cannot imagine how much shock you must be in.

I think it's going to be very important to your niece, in years to come, that you will be able to tell her so much about her dad, and how very much he loved her. In some ways it's the last favour you'll be able to do for a much loved brother.

midsummabreak · 30/05/2019 01:38

You must be so shocked, sorry for your loss of your dear brother You have the right to talk about it , dont be thinking you have to grieve in the same way as your mum, that is your choice. . Your DM has the right to grieve privately and you can support that , and be guided by her wishes of when she would like to share her loss. But your DM cant be claiming she gets to choose who you should share your loss with.

SeaToSki · 30/05/2019 01:47

Tell us more about your DB. He sounds wonderful.

midsummabreak · 30/05/2019 01:47

Flowers I hope you can find a way to support your unwell DM as well as your DNiece Maybe your DM is so much in shock she is having an initial reaction to put the defenses up Your brother's 2 year old daughter will miss his loving expressions and the way he could show his feelings, since her DM is unable to show her love

midsummabreak · 30/05/2019 01:49

...as easily. Oops posted too soon

midsummabreak · 30/05/2019 01:50

Hope your sister in law and Dniece has lots of support, through their grief. They will need you and family

Flowerballs · 30/05/2019 01:55

My heart goes out to you. I lost my dear brother suddenly, coming up to 5 years ago now. It completely flawed me. His two daughters were so young but have done brilliantly considering. The charity Chad I think it was were really helpful giving advice as to how to help the children in their grief. There are no magic words of comfort at the moment, but reaching out for support is a really good place to start. I don't think we're very accustomed to fathoming any sense in a sudden loss. There are no right or wrongs for all the emotions you might be feeling as your brain tries to process what has happened. Roll with it and seek kind people around you. There are some on here too. Get through each hour, minute at a time, one foot in front of the other and time will carry you to a place where happiness exists again. Wishing you all the kindness in the world.

Original poster
RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 01:59

Flowerballs that is exactly how I feel

OP posts:
Original poster
RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 02:00

Is it a bit weird that I have written how I feel already into a eulogy type thing

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 30/05/2019 02:03

No words but I just wanted to say how very sorry I am Flowers

Flowerballs · 30/05/2019 02:04

Nothing is wierd right now. Write it all out a hundred times over if you like. I stayed up all the way through the night writing my brother's eulogy. It felt a practical thing I could do at the time.