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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help my DB has died suddenly

97 replies

RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 00:57

Had a phone call 4 hours ago from his FIL to say he collapsed in the shower and died he was 48 had an absolutely adored and much tried for dd. He lived 6 hours away and I am at a loss at how to process it. I live with my Mum who is 74 and has 2 serious medical conditions and I had to break the news to her. I don't really know what I am asking but fuck I am in a mess.

OP posts:
KooMoo · 30/05/2019 07:50

Flowers sorry for your loss.

Flowerballs · 30/05/2019 10:05

We're all still thinking of you. Hope you get some rest today if possible.

UbbesPonytail · 30/05/2019 10:38

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship Flowers

I’ve been there OP, my DSis died suddenly at 18. Remember yourself in all of this - siblings are often called the ‘forgotten mourners’. People will ask you how your parents are, how his wife is, but they won’t all ask you how you are so please make sure you find a space in which you’re allowed to grieve and talk too. It’s so easy to want to
protect everyone else and do all the heavy lifting but you need kindness and stillness as well.

Dontthinkofthegame · 30/05/2019 10:43

Really sorry for your loss OP. Flowers

Be kind to yourself, it will take time to even just process what’s happened.

Do you have a close friend that could come and give you some support? I understand your DM wants to grieve privately but it’s important you get to grieve how you need to as well.

Alsohuman · 30/05/2019 10:46

So very sorry. I walk in your shoes. My brother died in a road accident at 21. He would be 62 now and I still miss him. The depth of our grief is in proportion to the depth of our love. The words you’ve written are beautiful and heartfelt. Please look after yourself. 💐

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/05/2019 11:29

Me too . Your brother sound like a fantastic chap . A tragic loss

You are very worried for everyone which is natural at our age and stage in life , and I send you my fullest empathy and condolences

It’s shit right now Flowers

midsummabreak · 30/05/2019 11:52

You had a very special brother-sister relationship, and your words are full of warmth & love, & will be of great comfort to the family, especially your dear sister-in-law & dear niece

midsummabreak · 30/05/2019 11:52
Flowers
MRex · 30/05/2019 12:08

I'm so sorry for your loss. You write beautifully. Could you start writing stories about your brother, write a little every week or month so when his daughter is older she has a whole book of stories about him? You could intersperse it with other thoughts and comments, how much he loved her mum, how devastated her mum was at the time of his death. The stories won't all be appropriate for a young child, but imagine her reading it at 18 and as an adult, she would have the chance to really know her father a little.

Sparklesocks · 30/05/2019 12:10

I’m so sorry OP, how awful. Thinking of you and your family.

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 30/05/2019 12:16

So sorry opFlowers
Will you be going to see your sil ?
How is your mum doing?

QueenBeex · 30/05/2019 12:18

Very beautiful words you wrote. Flowers Brew

MrsSnafu · 30/05/2019 12:31

Beautiful eulogy. You have captured both his essence and the essence of your relationship. You have done him proud. Flowers

Sciurus83 · 30/05/2019 12:34

Oh sweetheart I am so so sorry, take care of each other Flowers Xx

vintanner · 30/05/2019 12:39

So sorry for your loss.

Only this to say that when it is sudden it is better for the one who has gone, it was quick but for the ones left it is a shock and it will take time for some kind of normality to return.

Remember the good times.

Flowers
Original poster
RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 12:41

Thank you all for your kind words. Managed a couple of hours sleep. My SIL has had some medication. The poor woman found him and then had to make statements to the police as it was a sudden death, she is staying with her parents and we will be travelling down for the funeral as soon as we can plan it after the results of the postmortem. He hasn't left a will and they were not married so that is going to be pain but he did have life insurance and 2 pension schemes with work and they will be getting in touch with me with the details. My head is better when I have admin to do. My Mum is a little better and we have been telling people slowly but asking for no visitors. I am actually really pissed off with him now which is stupid.

OP posts:
MRex · 30/05/2019 12:46

That's going to be difficult if he left no will, because I believe everything will go to his daughter and not his partner. Are you certain he has no will?
www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

Life insurance and pensions might have been put in her name and they have some discretion, hopefully that can be sorted pyt she that she has a lump sum to contribute to raising his daughter.

HoppingPavlova · 30/05/2019 12:47

RestingButchFace, I’m so sorry. This is not fair and life is often not fair. Your eulogy was beautiful and he sounds like a wonderful and unique man who will truly be missed.

Original poster
RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 12:49

MrexI am hoping he has and just not mentioned it.

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 30/05/2019 12:51

No nothing you are feeling is stupid. Glad you could grab a snatch of sleep, I hope you can find more rest and peace in your lovely memories of your DB that will live on , it's such a heartbreakingly sad time

coffeeeandtv · 30/05/2019 13:06

I just feel compelled to offer you and all your family my sympathies on the loss of such a magnificent brother and your eulogy is absolutely fantastic what a marvellous son/brother/ husband/dad/uncle/friend. He's an example to us all. Your feelings of loss are proportional to the man that he was, he will be always in your heart, I was reading all the messages here on mumsnet and I feel that everyone reading your post probably wishes they had someone like your brother in their lives even if it was such a short time. Stay strong and again sorry for your loss

Idontwanttotalk · 30/05/2019 13:14

I'm so sorry for your losses, Sian, and broken1982. My heart goes out to both of you. Flowers

OP, you did write beautifully about Darren and I think MRex's suggestion of writing stories each week or month about him for his daughter is a wonderful idea.

AllOverIt · 30/05/2019 13:15

So sorry for your loss 😢

Original poster
RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 19:21

Managed a little to eat about half an hour ago. Still coming over me in waves. I did nap for 30 mins and had a blissful few seconds when I woke up and remembered.

OP posts:
FatThor · 30/05/2019 20:43

Resting your posts are beautiful, I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself Flowers