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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for help my DB has died suddenly

97 replies

RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 00:57

Had a phone call 4 hours ago from his FIL to say he collapsed in the shower and died he was 48 had an absolutely adored and much tried for dd. He lived 6 hours away and I am at a loss at how to process it. I live with my Mum who is 74 and has 2 serious medical conditions and I had to break the news to her. I don't really know what I am asking but fuck I am in a mess.

OP posts:
FermatsTheorem · 30/05/2019 20:46

Hand hold and a hug, OP. Flowers

(I went through exactly this 10 years back with my DSis - only 50, 3 kids, our elderly mum in bad health. It is totally shit. After 24 hours, I found a sort of numbness kicked in which helped a bit. But I still miss her. It's so fucking unfair.)

Marmighty · 30/05/2019 20:58

So sorry OP, I lost my ASD brother suddenly at 38 to epilepsy, nearly four years ago now, sending you strength, you've written such lovely words about Darren, he sounds like a very special man Flowers

QueenofPain · 30/05/2019 21:00

My younger brother died very suddenly back in 2016. There is literally no way to process it in a hurry, this shock is part and parcel, you’ve just got to go with it.
I’m so sorry Flowers

IncognitaIgnorama · 30/05/2019 21:01

Oh, OP Flowers Just sending you some love - your eulogy is wonderful, and your brother sounds like a cracking guy. I too love MRex's suggestion - it might help you get through the next day's and weeks and months, and I am sure your niece would love to see it when she's older.

Right now, nothing is the wrong thing to be doing or feeling: all you can do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other as best you can Flowers

Nicecupofcoco · 30/05/2019 21:02

I'm so sorry op! My heart breaks for you and your family Flowers

namechangedyetagain · 30/05/2019 21:03

Just for now get through one minute at a time. I lost my db last summer. I have never been and never will be the same. Some part of me has gone. I don't know how I got through those initial days, but I did. Just one step at a time. Flowers

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 30/05/2019 21:05

I am so sorry OP. There are no words.

Callmejudith · 30/05/2019 21:07

I'm so sorry

Runforthehills754 · 30/05/2019 21:12

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2019 21:13

What an awful shock for you all, Resting, I'm so sorry. :(

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 30/05/2019 21:13

Your eulogy is beautiful. He sounds like a lovely man and you are a great sister. Flowers

AhhhHereItGoes · 30/05/2019 21:14

So sorry to hear your news what a shock for you all.

Take each day one step at a time.
Allow others to help.
Be kind to yourself.
Don't be angry/frustrated with yourself because you don't feel you're grieving right as there is no right or wrong with grief.

My aunts partner died suddenly a few days ago and it was a terrriblr shock.

Skyejuly · 30/05/2019 21:16

I'm so sorry. Xx

Gth1234 · 30/05/2019 21:17

So sorry for your family.

Unexpected, at a relatively young age is the worst. No parent should see their children pass before them.

Only time makes the pain recede

AhhhHereItGoes · 30/05/2019 21:18

Also that tribute was lovely.
RIP Darren 💐

derxa · 30/05/2019 21:26

Flowers Bless you.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 30/05/2019 21:26

I'm so sorry. Flowers

lotusbell · 30/05/2019 21:37

So sorry to read this. He sounds wonderful! My mum died may 5 years ago - it was expected but obviously, being prepared doesn't necessarily soften the blow. One thing I have learnt is that grief will come in waves and you just have to ride them. Your eulogy is brilliant and kind of gives all of us strangers a wonderful image of this dear man, I almost feel like it is someone I know! Sending you strength for the upcoming difficult days. Be more Darren!

daisychain01 · 30/05/2019 22:37

🌹 so sad about the loss of your brother, words are inadequate Butchy - some beautiful poetry may be soothing and a comfort for your soul at this time 🌹

Death Is Nothing At All

By Henry Scott-Holland

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.

All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

RestingButchFace · 04/06/2019 06:54

It is the post mortem today and the coroners office said someone will call me with the results. We can then hopefully get on with making arrangements then instead of being in this hellish limbo. Mum is doing much better and I was back to work yeaterday I had last week booked off for a half term with dd2. Work helped massively it was busy so the time flew. Thank you for all your kind words.

OP posts:
Flowerballs · 04/06/2019 19:35

Well done. That's great that work is a help at the moment. I hope the report comes quickly for you all. My thoughts are with you.

BettysLeftTentacle · 04/06/2019 19:49

Resting I’m so awfully sorry. He sounds like a wonderful son, brother, father and partner and your words are such a beautiful tribute. I hope you’ve had some answers today and can start moving forward tomorrow Flowers

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