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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for help my DB has died suddenly

97 replies

RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 00:57

Had a phone call 4 hours ago from his FIL to say he collapsed in the shower and died he was 48 had an absolutely adored and much tried for dd. He lived 6 hours away and I am at a loss at how to process it. I live with my Mum who is 74 and has 2 serious medical conditions and I had to break the news to her. I don't really know what I am asking but fuck I am in a mess.

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RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 02:05

Darren was many things to many people he was a beloved son to Elizabeth a much loved brother to Sian a loving Uncle to Cat and Robyn. He was also an adored and adoring partner to his much loved Hannah. The light of his life was his beautiful daughter Seren whose exploits and achievements he never tired of regaling anyone who would listen.

Darren was born in January 71 in Stockport and although he only lived there for just under 2 years the fact that he followed Stockport County's football results speaks volumes of his loyalty and dedication to football nerdiness We then moved . I can thank my brother for helping me fit in with all the men I worked with on joing the RAF. I could list the whole of the old first division and new premier league teams plus knew the off side rule.

In fact all sports were a must have in our house, golf, snooker, darts, rugby, cricket and football. We were an awesome team at A Question of Sport. Quizzes was another love of his and I wouldn't like to say he was competative but we did nearly come to blows with our cousin Martin when he clearly answered a question incorrectly and the family thought this was OK as he was only 5.... Not in our world!

Right and wrong was also a thing that Darren felt very strongly about. There was I only black and white in his life no room for the murkiness or grey. You were either right or you were wrong. This could of course be frustrating but what you were never in any doubt of with Darren is where you stood. He could hurt you sometimes with his directness but this was never intentional and in fact if he had known he had upset you he would be mortified. He just said what he felt and didn't realise he could be upsetting people,

He once said in conversation with my Mum and me that my Mum was like him "you just sy what you think Mum and don't worry about why people think" "not like you Sian you are far too worried about people so you always think about it first" My Mum bless her was insulted at first til I pointed out that from Darren that was a huge compliment to be like him and I fact it was Mr and my stupid sensitive ways that were being insulted.

My brother overcame mny things in his life a useless father God awful bullying in school and chronic low self esteem but what he did do was pick himself up and achieve so much. He did May things I admire he started afresh somewhere new and made a whole life for himself, he asserted himself to make sure he was never that timid little guy again. He owned his own property and made sure he and his family were looked after. We were always the absolute opposite of each other I never understood his careful ways and he never understood my live for today philosophy, it turned out neither of us were wrong or right.

The one thing we agreed on lways was that we lived our family. Every Sunday conversation was ended with I love you even of I had annoyed him or me him or him and Mum has managed to ru. Each other up the wrong way... I LOVE YOU is how every single conversation ended. I take comfort that the last words I spoke to my really annoying big brother were I Love you. Mum I know takes the same comfort so it is fitting that we now say it again. Darren I Love you x

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RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 02:06

Names are not outing as no one I know is in here and even if they are I am not bothered right now

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blubblubblub · 30/05/2019 02:07

That was lovely.

RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 02:10

Plus I can spell etc but tears and whiskey for in the way.

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vanitythynameisnotwoman · 30/05/2019 02:11

What a beautiful eulogy. He sounds a wonderful brother and your shock must be bottomless. Hope you can sleep a bit and try and function tomorrow. There's no reason people will gossip, they will care and want to help if you feel able to let them.

WhatIfIHadnt · 30/05/2019 02:15

Sending my very warmest thoughts to you from here in Stockport Flowers

Flowerballs · 30/05/2019 02:16

Those are beautiful, real words. I think we all get a sense of who your brother was and what he meant to you all. My brother and I also endeavoured to say good bye with "I love you" and it has been a real comfort remembering those last words to each other. I found writing really helped sometimes.

RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 02:17

Whatif they lived in Little Leva? Not sure of the spelling and Hazel Grove

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RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 02:20

Flowerballs I tale massive comfort that we really never got on as kids and fought daily that the last 10 years although distant in real terms the fact social media existed we were closer than ever. I am still in denil though x

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Franklyyes · 30/05/2019 02:21

I am so sorry for your loss - Sending love to you Flowers

LoveMyNewHome · 30/05/2019 02:22

So sorry. I am also ASD, as are my DC & ex. I can feel your raw pain & am so sorry. Your words about your brother are beautiful. How are his wife & DD coping now?

Flowerballs · 30/05/2019 02:36

It was hard at the time, but I can think fondly now of all our bickering. No could wind me up like my brother, it truly was character building! But, there will always be bitter sweet moments too, as no one can make me laugh like my brother did and he had the best laugh and humour too. I will forever miss that. I have tried to honour my brother's best traits in the way I live my life and am very grateful for all that has brought me. It can be difficult to reconcile, but my brother's death brought some important clarity and strength for me, but it took time and seeking help to come to terms with it all. Keep reaching out.

RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 02:38

Love I haven't spoken to them just my SIL dad. He says she is hysterical that is why is upsetting me lost to be honest she is such a fragile person I worry how she will cope. I am so far away and she is a great Mum but mainly on the practical 3 meals a day and structured play times front. Not slagging her off at all. She just finds taking cues of being upset etc very hatd x

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SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 30/05/2019 02:38

Flowers xXx

RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 02:45

Flowerballs you saying you have tried to honour your db's best traits has made me promise to put a fiver a week away. My DB was a saver extraordinaire even when we were on 10p a week pocket money. Mine went straight on 20 mojo sweets at half penny each or black Jack's and fruit salads.

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daisyboocantoo · 30/05/2019 02:53

Sending big hugs

I am so sorry for your loss.

prisscalledwanda · 30/05/2019 03:00

So very sorry for your loss OP, sending thoughts and love to you and your family x

Zoflorabore · 30/05/2019 03:02

Wow op what a beautiful post you wrote about Darren. I'm so bloody sorry for your immense loss. The way you speak about him is full of pride and rightly so.

My ds has asd and its heartwarming to hear how he overcame life's obstacles and had such a good life. I wish you I could give you a huge hug. Please use this thread to talk anout Darren as much as you need to, we're all here for you Flowers

RestingButchFace · 30/05/2019 03:13

Zoflorabore my brother was neve diagnosed but having had 2 nephews o my ex h, 's side he was missed in the 1970s education system. My brother was the loveliest man he was just very his own man. He was better than me in many ways. Ii may have been able to pass exams and start a conversation in an empty room but I couldnt and didn't own my own house in the south east. I travelled the world and got married twice he didn't move after leaving home and settled with his first love. He was a wise man and I shall miss him forever x

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lboogy · 30/05/2019 03:25

Sorry for your loss

broken1982 · 30/05/2019 03:52

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I'm here for a hand hold. My darling beautiful mother died unexpectedly at 49 just 3 weeks ago and I'm still just in total shock and heartbreak. She was my best friend and mother. Sending you all the love in the world right now

Frownette · 30/05/2019 04:54

RestingButchFace and broken1982 so sorry for brother, and mother. It's a long journey to come to terms with it though you never quite do.

It is really not easy so I hope you are both helped over the next few days, it's the initial shock stage where it hasn't sunk in they're gone

MrsAJ27 · 30/05/2019 05:05

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers

LunaTheCat · 30/05/2019 07:23

I am so very very sorry.💐
Your eulogy sounds beautiful and he sounds like a wonderful man
Take care of yourself - eat well, go for a walk, do whatever makes you feel good.

UCOinanOCG · 30/05/2019 07:30

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was a wonderful man. Hope you have the strength to get through the next few days and weeks. Be kind to yourself.