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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think all men would cheat if they thought they could get away with it?

121 replies

HelloDolly69 · 30/05/2019 00:38

Just as it says, do you think all men would cheat if they weren’t found out?

I have concerns about my husband and his friend from work. I know they’re friends but I don’t think he’s being honest with me about their level of contact. I know it’s wrong but I looked at his phone bill and he’s been texting her and phoning her a lot. Certainly more than he has let on.

I’ve had boyfriends cheat on me in the past so maybe I’m being paranoid. I don’t know.

I can’t confront him because he’ll know I’ve been snooping.

OP posts:

PizzaForPusheen · 30/05/2019 17:46

I don’t think so. Some men have sufficient self-control and character not to, some aren’t sufficiently motivated by sex to want to and some have seen the damage it does (e.g. a cheating parent or partner) and wouldn’t put someone else through that.

Some men, and some women, would do it if it was guaranteed they; get away with it. Sone will even if they only might get away with it.

U2HasTheEdge · 30/05/2019 18:00

I have standards and I stick to them. Any man I’ve been with knows I would kick them to the curb if they ever did that to me. It’s called self esteem.

You think only people with low standards get cheated on? Plenty of men know that their partners will leave them if they cheat, but do it anyway. Self-Esteem has nothing to do with you not being cheated on.

As for the OP. I think a very high amount of people would cheat if they knew they would never get found out. Men and women.

HeresMe · 30/05/2019 18:18

Out of my close circle of friends all 4 husbands cheated at one time or other, either on my friends or with a previous wife. At least 3 out of the 4 women have cheated on a different partner.
Plenty of people cheat, you just don't know about it

I'd choose new friends they all sound like scumbags.

justmyview · 30/05/2019 22:05

Out of my close circle of friends all 4 husbands cheated at one time or other, either on my friends or with a previous wife. At least 3 out of the 4 women have cheated on a different partner

They all sound as bad as each other. Only 1 person faithful out of a crowd of 8?!

Eustasiavye · 31/05/2019 08:17

Who do you think visits sex workers?
It is a fact that married men keep it alive and kicking, and that is just the ones who admit to being married, never mind the ones who pretend they are single.
Look at divorce rates and many of those, my own included do not cite infidelity as the reason for the divorce but infidelity was a factor.

Eustasiavye · 31/05/2019 08:20

If you think that none of your friends or their husbands have ever cheated then either they don't know, or they don't tell you.

Eustasiavye · 31/05/2019 08:21

Op- what do you intend to do about all the messages/phone calls?

corythatwas · 31/05/2019 08:28

I know plenty of women who have cheated. Does that mean I would? I really don't think so.

ShatnersWig · 31/05/2019 08:32

Nice contentious first time post, there HelloDolly69 - writing an article for the Mail are you? Or just bored?

As a man, no I fucking wouldn't.

Idontwanttotalk · 31/05/2019 08:38

Please don't tarnish all men because you have experienced this with a couple. There are a lot of good men in the world (although you can be forgiven for not thinking so if you read MN threads a lot).

Not all men think like that. I think it comes down to character. My DF, DBs, DFIL, and DH have never cheated and in talking with them they have strong morals in this and many regards.
My DM, however, did have affairs as did one of her sisters (possibly due to a sad upbringing and the urge to seek out as much love as they could).

You do need to talk to your DH. You may have snooped but hopefully he will understand you struggle with trust issues due to your experience. Ask him to help you trust by being more open with you about his contact with this (presumably female) friend. I assume you don't mind him having a female friend but are worried it has become more than just friends? Talk with him.

happinessischocolate · 31/05/2019 08:40

The thing is people don't change.

I'm in my 50s and my friends, male and female, who couldn't stay faithful in shorter term relationships when they were in their 20s, now can't stay faithful to their wives and husbands.

The ones that weren't chatting up every Tom, Dick or Harriett are now faithful.

There are exemptions though, because even the most reliable and faithful person can get their head turned, theyre just less likely to act on it.

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool · 31/05/2019 08:48

Yes because all men are just one homogeneous blob of machismo, slaves to their testosterone and need to spread the seed. maybe if you live in an avert for larger or a betting app.

Men will tell you that there is no such thing as a female friend sheesh

x2boys · 31/05/2019 08:56

I'm pretty sure dh wouldnt,he rarely goes out and has no desire too, he doesn't use social media,and doesn't even have a phone, you can never be 100% of course but I'm pretty much he wouldnt, when I worked in mental health I would say it was pretty even percentages of men and women that cheated ,I think if people want to cheat they will do regardless of whether they are male or female .

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool · 31/05/2019 08:59

Plus the question is redundant, it is impossible to guarantee that you won't get caught.

x2boys · 31/05/2019 09:09

With all due respect @hellodarkness people who post on relationships do so because they generally have problems in their relationship,s so obviously it will be choka block full of women that have been cheated on but that doesn't give any indication of percentages of men that will cheat, just as if you go on on any specific board it's because you have issues in that area .

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2019 09:22

If you believe that OP I don’t understand why you’d bother to get married?

PollyPelargonium52 · 01/06/2019 06:10

I have lived with four men prior to having ds who is now 14. I was never cheated on. I have just learned the ways of the world since that is all.

I personally don't find monogamy an interesting experience. Unless I was in an open relationship I personally wouldn't commit to somebody. I find it very limiting.

SherlockSays · 01/06/2019 06:14

Don't see why they're any different to women. So your statement should be 'to think everyone could cheat if they could get away with it'.

Also, I don't think it's THAT difficult to get away with it so by your thought process, all men already are.

Weird thread.

maddiemookins16mum · 01/06/2019 08:15

The same number of women cheat as men. Think about it.

frogstoads · 02/06/2019 21:58

YABU for saying only men would.

If there were absolutely no consequences and I would never ever be found out?

I would. I am pretty sure DH would too. We recognize that there are attractive people around us, even if we don't go looking for it.

However, I love DH and would never risk him being hurt like that so I stick to fantasy and masturbation like every other person in a loving relationship.

Beaverdam · 02/06/2019 22:31

Nope, not at all. My partner would never ever cheat. Not in a million years. It is unfair to tarnush everyone based on you husbands actions.

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