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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think all men would cheat if they thought they could get away with it?

121 replies

HelloDolly69 · 30/05/2019 00:38

Just as it says, do you think all men would cheat if they weren’t found out?

I have concerns about my husband and his friend from work. I know they’re friends but I don’t think he’s being honest with me about their level of contact. I know it’s wrong but I looked at his phone bill and he’s been texting her and phoning her a lot. Certainly more than he has let on.

I’ve had boyfriends cheat on me in the past so maybe I’m being paranoid. I don’t know.

I can’t confront him because he’ll know I’ve been snooping.

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 30/05/2019 06:03

Ahh, the usual MN view that ALL men without exception are lying, cheating b*stards.

YABU.

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2019 06:06

What are the texts or calls like? Does it seem sexual? I don't think all men are potential cheaters, but sounds like you've had some bad experiences

DontPressSendTooSoon · 30/05/2019 06:07

Of course not all men cheat. My husband for one. What a stupid question, borne of insecurity and poor past experiences no doubt. Actually more sad than stupid.

AlaskanOilBaron · 30/05/2019 06:09

I thought that, biologically, men wanted to ‘spread their seed’!

Sure, and all women are looking for the men who can provide resources the most reliably?

You're wrong to assume this, of course, and I hope there's an innocent explanation for the texting (there are people I text more than others).

InTheHeatofLisbon · 30/05/2019 06:09

No I don't think all men would cheat if they could. My dad being one, DP being the other. That's not to say I'm arrogant enough to think he'd never leave, I just know him well enough to know that he'd leave before cheating. As would I.

However, you need to speak to your DH if you have worries.

RuggyPeg · 30/05/2019 06:11

Maddie - even though everyone above has said otherwise?

Cook - nonsense! Many people will cheat cos they're selfish, cos they can, cos the opportunity arises etc. Nothing to do with their needs not being met.

For what it's worth, I do think that many men would and do cheat but I also know a few who wouldn't dream of it.

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 30/05/2019 06:12

@Femodene I think I love you Grin

FudgeBrownie2019 · 30/05/2019 06:13

A man will only have an affair if his "needs" are not being met. Needs can be emotional, physical, socially and so on

Utter tripe. Piss off back to 1921 when shit like this was peddled.

There have been times in our marriage that DH and I haven’t fulfilled one another’s needs. There have been times when we’ve found one another “wanting” for lack of a better word. Neither of us has looked elsewhere for that fulfilment because we’re both aware that our marriage can only be fixed from the inside out. We work through tougher moments together.

The whole “my needs weren’t being met so I had to fuck her” reasoning is pathetic. The way through a bad patch is never, ever going to be inside another person’s knickers. That’s just basic common sense. Some people are just cheats. They cheat because it’s exciting, because they’re stupid, because they’re bored, because they can. It’s never, never anyone’s fault but their own.

TheNavigator · 30/05/2019 06:13

Some people will cheat, some won't - it isn't about their sex it is about their moral compass. My mum was the cheater in my parents marriage. Both DH & I have integrity.

LouiseMiltonSpatula · 30/05/2019 06:15

No, they don’t. You need to expect and demand better of men!

I’ve had 4 serious relationships with men in my life and in every case I can say with absolute certainty that they would never have cheated on me because fundamentally it simply wasn’t in their nature, and they were better people than that.

MinnieMountain · 30/05/2019 06:19

No.
Some people would cheat if they think they could get away with it. My BIL and DSIS both have at least twice.

PollyPelargonium52 · 30/05/2019 06:20

I would say at least one in three men would cheat, one in three would never cheat and one in three would like to cheat but lack the requisite bottle.

That is what I have learned and I am pretty confident about it.

PollyPelargonium52 · 30/05/2019 06:21

I am sorry to say it but anybody that thinks any differently from this is so naive.

Sleephead1 · 30/05/2019 06:22

to be totally honest i think a large number of people ( male and female ) would if it was never going to be found out. It's hard to be faithful to one person for ever no one ever says that but I think it should be acknowledged.

TemporaryPermanent · 30/05/2019 06:44

I don't think so, but then I also have a strict definition of infidelity. My husband never cheated on me, but he did kiss someone else once. I don't count anything except genital contact with the other person as cheating, I don't count emotional affairs, kissing, texting as cheating. Not thst I did any of that in euther of my marriages.

What I do know is a lot of people do cheat. And I also think cheating isn't the worst thing a person can do in a relationship by a long, long way. I'd also say there are many people who aren't having sex in their relationship who don't cheat, but not having sex with your partner does make it significantly more likely to happen on both sides.

SimonJT · 30/05/2019 06:48

Cheating isn’t a male thing, it’s just something dickheads who are too scared to leave their partner do.

NameChangeNugget · 30/05/2019 07:10

I think @PollyPelargonium52 is right. Given the right circumstances, no chance of being caught and the opportunity, I’d say 90% would

Toffeecakes · 30/05/2019 07:15

No they wouldn’t, no more than women are likely to cheat. It’s about personality. I know for a fact my DH wouldn’t if he had the chance and neither would I. It’s a shame you have such an opinion of men, clearly you’ve not been surrounded by trustworthy and decent men.

Sleepyquest · 30/05/2019 07:20

I used to think this but my DH is so against it and so loyal and I don't think he's got it in him.

CostanzaG · 30/05/2019 07:27

No they wouldn't. Some men and women will choose to cheat but that is 100% a choice.

Using biology as an excuse is just that .... An excuse.

Cantthinkofausername1990 · 30/05/2019 08:01

No I really don't think so. I trust my dh. He was on a night out last year an hour away from home, wasn't expecting to see him until the morning but he turned up at home at 3am.. proceeded to tell me that his db told him he should go off with a woman he was talking to, that his db said he wouldn't tell me and in return my dp could do the same for his db I.e. say nothing if his brother cheated on his wife.
My dp was horrified and said no and left and paid for a taxi to bring him all the way home.
He has also been on stags far away from home and always ends up ringing me half way through the night to ask me to collect him as he doesn't want to stay away.
So no, I don't think all men would cheat

TractorTart · 30/05/2019 10:09

There is a statistic that 1 in 25 kids father is not who they think it is. This comes up when organs/ blood is needed etc. It's not just men.

FluffyBunnykins · 30/05/2019 10:18

No, in the same way that not all women would either.

I'm sorry that you're going through this though, and can see why your opinion has been clouded, but I definitely think it's your issue rather than 'men' in general.

Lifeisabeach09 · 30/05/2019 10:26

Nope, I don't feel all men would cheat.
I know some who haven't and wouldn't, even given the opportunity.
I do feel you have a partner who is having an emotional affair if not a physical one.

PollyPelargonium52 · 30/05/2019 14:00

I have good reason to believe what I have stated above. I have actually been told firsthand by men these views/experiences. One by a man who had been in the army for many years and the other from his own experiences of golfing holidays.