To think this event was totally unethical

[Diemme]

A friend of mine is very involved with her church. It has a great community spirit and puts on lots of events - quizzes, talks, cooking demos etc. She's taken me to a few and they've been really good. A member of the congregation is a psychotherapist and offered to put on an event aimed at parents who were struggling with their children's behaviour. I thought it was going to be a presentation and went along. But it turned out to be more like group therapy with everyone sitting in a circle disclosing really personal stuff about their kids. Aggressive behaviour, depression, eating disorders, loneliness, sex etc. Everyone knew everyone and the vicar was present. I was really uncomfortable and couldn't stop thinking about these kids and teenagers at home who hadn't consented to this information being shared and had no idea their parents had gone out for an evening of divulging the most personal areas of their lives in a very public arena. Aibu to think it was a massive error of judgement to allow this to go ahead?

I think it sounds very supportive - people only share what they choose to and they probably felt a great release from it.

Hmmm definitely doesn’t sound well planned.

It should have been very clear from the advertising and outset what the event was, so everybody present was informed. The bounds of confidenuiality should have been established at the beginning of the group.
YANBU

I wouldn’t have participated. Our school does what it calls parent coaching workshops and I’ve heard you are expected to get quite personal in them. I wouldn’t do that. In fact I told my teacher in graduate school I would not reveal personal information about my own family in family therapy class. She was put out and it was the only class I got a ‘B’ in. Maybe I’m more private than some but you’re right my kids would be mortified.

As long as the ground rules were stated at the start and it was clear sharing is optional then it's not unethical.

It could have been better organised and communicated.

Parents have the right to share information about their children.

It's not the parents doing the sharing I was concerned about. It's the young people, who are every bit as entitled to privacy and confidentiality as adults. Imagine a similar event aimed at men. And finding out that your partner had gone along to share his difficulties in coping with your pmt!

Parents do have a need to share, and get support. Parenting a distressed teen is one of the hardest parts of parenting , ime.

However, I agree with you. I'm ashamed to say it was only when DD pointed out how shit it was to encounter people I knew, who asked with a deeply sympathetic face how she was, so she knew that they knew something of a serious medical condition she had. But she didn't know how much they knew. And felt her own life story had been made way too public.
Only then did I learn to zip it, and seek counselling in a confidential setting when I needed to unload.
We need to respect our children's lives: it's their own story, not part of ours.

Group parenting sessions and support groups-absolutely; but in the next town over, not in your own community.

Are you saying parents shouldn’t talk about home life because it breaks the child’s confidentiality?

Anybody of any age has the right to share information about their family to whoever they choose. You can't use GDPR against your own kith and kin!
Parents share information at their own discretion and it is up to them to consider potential impact on DC.

It's important though that parents weren't taken by surprise and railroaded into over-sharing, and also that everybody knew to treat the information with respect and not as community gossip.

The fact the OP was there and had no idea what the event was going to be suggested that this hadn't been very well communicated.

Diemme

But the parents can share that information if they wish. There is no ‘ethical’ concern here.

It's not unethical to discuss your children in a support group. In fact many LAs run similar groups all the time. Churches are uniquely placed to offer support since presumably some of their parishioners concerns will be about living their faith in family relationships.

I get the issue - its not that its a group family therapy type of session - its that its within your community rather than a group session with strangers that you have no reason to mix with outside the group.
Unacceptable to me in this format - group therapy is valid but should be outside your social/community groups

Parenting classes are run in community/social groups. They don't bus parents out of area before they can offer support. I don't understand why PPs think this is unusual.

Hmm, not unethical in any professional sense, I don't think, but given the smallness of the community, a really bad idea imo. There is no way on god's earth I would participate in something like this. It would be a completely unacceptable betrayal of by DCs' trust and confidence. I am quite careful what I say even to my friends about my DCs, unless they are friends I know I can utterly trust, or I know there are no crossing points between their lives (so, not friends whose kids know my kids from school, or something). Your kids' issues are not your story to share, imo, unless anonymity and/or confidentiality can be guaranteeed, which seems not to be the case at all in this example.

I went to a very gossipy church as a child. If this event had occurred it would have been gossiped about for years, all the kids would be teeheeing about what was said. I would never divulge information about my child in that type of setting.

I assume the facilitator stressed the need for confidentiality, hopefully the participants were trustworthy.

I would have left discretely.

Yesican isn't it pretty clear from the OP what she's saying? She's saying that it's not fair on the kids for their parents to disclose very private and sensitive information about their sex lives, mental health etc. Which sounds reasonable to me. Obviously you've paraphrased it in a way that makes it sound less reasonable - if you disagree with the OP, it's fine to say so.

But it’s a support group for the parents. So it is about the impact the issues are having on them and their parenting. Not really about the children at all, and necessary, if parents are going to get the support that will ultimately benefit the children.

If it is about teens, then those teens will change a lot in the next decade,

and the lack of privacy at this stage may make it exceptionally hard for them to build up adult relationships with the other people present.
Privacy is important.

I'm sure no harm was meant but I would have been mortified as a teenager if my parents had discussed my issues with all these church members (which presumably the teenagers also attend or at least did at one point). It would have guaranteed I never confided in my parents again.

For crying out loud OP!! If it goes against your ethics then don't attend any further classes/workshops etc! Those who continue to attend obviously do find it beneficial!
Also, I don't believe that I require my kids consent in order to discuss issues within the home to a supportive group!

I would think that the possibility of such a session turning into fodder for village gossip would be huge. But I am intensely private so I would never wander into such a group, accidentally or otherwise.
My 9 Yr old dd already has a well developed sense of what she considers her private business. I agree with op, perhaps not unethical, but definitely a betrayal of trust between parent and child. If I needed support, I would probably go to a trusted family member /friend/professional and speak to them 1:1, having established confidentiality.

My teenager has had some health issues and I think the scenario you are describing, where the ‘support group’ all know each other and the youngsters that are being discussed, is problematic. I have had mental health issues myself and it would possibly be unreasonable to expect my parents not to discuss these issues with close friends or professionals in order to gain support and advice. However, if I thought they were discussing my mental health with a group of people I knew in this way I would be furious and it would definitely damage the trust I had in them. Yes, parents sometimes need advice, support and an outlet, but not at the risk of damaging their relationship with, and possibly the mental health of, their children.

OP was confidentiality discussed at all?

I agree with OP. A dreadful event. Wholly inappropriate and disrespectful of the children’s privacy.
If you want help with parenting issues, discuss discreetly with a friend, or seek therapy. Don’t blab to the world.

The parents are talking about their own child, my child has severe disabilities I go to a support type group every week we all talk about our children ,it's not a gossipy little get together, the parents didn't have to talk about the children if they don't want ,it's not your child and no concern of yours.

Yes confidentiality was discussed in full and was paramount. But that's almost irrelevant. Reminding a group about confidentiality comes into play when people are talking about themselves, not others.