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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this event was totally unethical

97 replies

Diemme · 29/05/2019 19:50

A friend of mine is very involved with her church. It has a great community spirit and puts on lots of events - quizzes, talks, cooking demos etc. She's taken me to a few and they've been really good. A member of the congregation is a psychotherapist and offered to put on an event aimed at parents who were struggling with their children's behaviour. I thought it was going to be a presentation and went along. But it turned out to be more like group therapy with everyone sitting in a circle disclosing really personal stuff about their kids. Aggressive behaviour, depression, eating disorders, loneliness, sex etc. Everyone knew everyone and the vicar was present. I was really uncomfortable and couldn't stop thinking about these kids and teenagers at home who hadn't consented to this information being shared and had no idea their parents had gone out for an evening of divulging the most personal areas of their lives in a very public arena. Aibu to think it was a massive error of judgement to allow this to go ahead?

OP posts:
Original poster
Diemme · 30/05/2019 08:55

I personally would never betray my children like this. However I accept that whether this is acceptable or not is a matter of opinion. Whether or not the therapist was behaving acceptably on the other hand is a matter of fact. As a pp put it, a professional is not permitted by their professional body to transport their job into a public setting.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 30/05/2019 09:05

As a pp put it, a professional is not permitted by their professional body to transport their job into a public setting.

If you’re sure of that, report them. You seem quite certain you are right, so why not get on with it?

missyB1 · 30/05/2019 09:15

It was a support session for parents who needed to share difficult experiences. If it wasn't for you OP then don't ever go again. It probably was an enormous relief to some people there to be able to talk without being judged - oh hang on you are judging aren't you?

summercloudpicturethis · 30/05/2019 09:19

Does that mean... my husband and children have no right to tell anyone? No, it doesn’t. People have the right to seek support that they need

They don't need to tell a large group of people who all know the relevant people, and may not be trustworthy on all levels with the information. Any "need" would be appropriate support, with appropriate people. And it doesn't sound this would be it.

herculepoirot2 · 30/05/2019 09:21

summercloudpicturethis

Well, we can only disagree on that. Over and out.

summercloudpicturethis · 30/05/2019 09:26

hercule if you had bipolar and an abuse problem and were otherwise compos mentis you could tell you family that they could go and tell a large group of people who you will bump into regularly for the next 30 years or so all about it all, that would be ok. But would you do that, really?

summercloudpicturethis · 30/05/2019 09:26

**your family not you family

magicBrenda · 30/05/2019 09:34

@Diemme actually I would have felt very uncomfortable at this too.

How was it advertised? Was it set out as a group parent therapy/discussion?

Couldn’t think of anything worse to be a teenager with problems and my parents and other oversharers talking about my personal stuff - especially in the area I live in!

magicBrenda · 30/05/2019 09:42

Alls it takes if for one parent to discuss another child’s issues with some one else and and rumours starts spreading round the local secondary school about said child.

It’s actually awful they did this.

We’re the parents aware this was going to happen? How can anything be confidential when there is more than two people know? How on earth do they expect to control that confidentiality?

morallybankruptme · 30/05/2019 09:44

Hardly unethical. It's not as though they are going to be sitting around and discussing 'cures ' for disabilities.

magicBrenda · 30/05/2019 09:44

So if I wanted to discuss something like DH's premature ejaculation and our resulting dwindling sex life at an adult support event at our village church, which is attended by his friends wives, that would be okay?

It depends. How much is it affecting you? Has he asked you to keep it private?

Oh stop it....Hmm

newtlover · 30/05/2019 09:47

exactly
if it was an ongoing group in which trust and confidentiality was established over time, then it could work, but it would have to be facilitated very carefully, with disclosures discouraged at the beginning. This doesn't sound like that.
I grew up in a similar community, people were very familiar with each others families, anything said would be received in the context of a collective memory (ah yes, remember that time when X did Y at the church picnic etc etc)
really not a good idea

magicBrenda · 30/05/2019 09:52

If some parents shared what you feel were inappropriate details then that’s a shame but they likely did so out of a genuine need for support

Their need for support does not over ride the person they were talking about me privacy. It’s hugely unfair.

The parents could have just easily have stood outside the local shops shouting ‘my teenager is smoking weed and has mental health issues - any one got any ideas??’ Or * hey all my daughter has just started having sex at 15, can you help me understand who to deal with it’...

Dreadful and intrusive.

Im wondering if the parents actually known how this was going to play out or they were just sat there like lemmings ready to over share and throw their kids under the bus to let off steam?

What outcome came if this ‘group therapy?’ Were people pointed to the right organisations that could help or did they just vent, lets of steam and then say a prayer?

My local church did a free drop in, the kids played then it was story time. It was a story about Jesus. We never went back.

This could just be another funnel to get people to seek pastoral care within the church

magicBrenda · 30/05/2019 09:55

Not to mention it’s a huge safe guarding issue. Non of these people were anonymous. They have all just discussed their vulnerable children. Hopefully that won’t be used against them.

Awful

herculepoirot2 · 30/05/2019 09:56

magicBrenda

If my husband’s premature ejaculation was a cause of abusive behaviour, would that not look different? If I were seeking support because I could no longer cope with aggressive behaviour, or him trashing our home, or bringing drugs into our home, I would tell who I wanted.

We need to draw a fair distinction between gossip and someone reaching out for help.

magicBrenda · 30/05/2019 10:08

If my husband’s premature ejaculation was a cause of abusive behaviour, would that not look different? If I were seeking support because I could no longer cope with aggressive behaviour, or him trashing our home, or bringing drugs into our home, I would tell who I wanted

It’s completely different. These are children who have confided in their parents and these parents have now disclosed personal secrets with local members of the community. Communities gossip.

Non of these children are abusers.

If my Dh went to a local discussion group and talked about my private health conditions with out my permission I’d be furious and totally humiliated.

This was not an anonymous group. These people live with each other. It’s a huge violation.

magicBrenda · 30/05/2019 10:09

The fact you are putting abusive imaginary husbands and troubled teenagers together is odd.

magicBrenda · 30/05/2019 10:10

Brings a new meaning to name and shame eh?

herculepoirot2 · 30/05/2019 10:10

Non of these children are abusers.

I don’t know how you know this. But okay. You have one opinion, I have another. I’m leaving it there.

herculepoirot2 · 30/05/2019 10:14

magicBrenda

Not at all odd. I know many parents who are struggling to deal with behaviours from children that are violent, aggressive, controlling etc. The children need help, but so do the parents.

Anyway, as I said: let’s agree to disagree.

magicBrenda · 30/05/2019 10:17

I don’t know how you know this. But okay. You have one opinion, I have another. I’m leaving it there

Leave it where you want love. These parents have just disclosed personal private information that could follow these kids about for ever.

‘Oh look there’s that xxxx, she was anorexic when she was younger’

‘Oh look they’re that xxx smashed his mums house up when he was a kid, he will always be trouble that one’

‘Oh look, there’s xxx he smokes weed. Bet he steals out of shops to fund his habit’

I can understand parents going to a Anon meeting but a village church? Ffs!

herculepoirot2 · 30/05/2019 10:19

Bye.

Idontwanttotalk · 30/05/2019 10:30

I think because it is in a church with a great community spirit that the thought would be that 'what is said in the church stays in the church'.

I am a bit torn though but I suppose you have to rely on the parents not to disclose too much info.

I do remember my DSis being very angry at my DM when she found out my DF had been told when she started her periods. She felt betrayed. How would she had felt if her DM's friends were told? Mmm, tricky one.

The group setting could be useful to some people who may feel they are the only one with that problem and could be at their wits end as to how to deal with it.

magicBrenda · 30/05/2019 10:45

herculepoirot2 thought you’d gone?

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 30/05/2019 10:46

No, I think it was perfectly ethical and sounds like a lovely supportive and very necessary outlet for a lot of stressed parents.