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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this event was totally unethical

97 replies

Diemme · 29/05/2019 19:50

A friend of mine is very involved with her church. It has a great community spirit and puts on lots of events - quizzes, talks, cooking demos etc. She's taken me to a few and they've been really good. A member of the congregation is a psychotherapist and offered to put on an event aimed at parents who were struggling with their children's behaviour. I thought it was going to be a presentation and went along. But it turned out to be more like group therapy with everyone sitting in a circle disclosing really personal stuff about their kids. Aggressive behaviour, depression, eating disorders, loneliness, sex etc. Everyone knew everyone and the vicar was present. I was really uncomfortable and couldn't stop thinking about these kids and teenagers at home who hadn't consented to this information being shared and had no idea their parents had gone out for an evening of divulging the most personal areas of their lives in a very public arena. Aibu to think it was a massive error of judgement to allow this to go ahead?

OP posts:

x2boys · 29/05/2019 21:56

There are family support groups for all kind of things, I think if it offends you so much you shouldn't go again, but some parents might find it beneficial and it's not your place to judge .

happymum12345 · 29/05/2019 22:09

Parents need to talk about their children. It sounds like a friendly environment to talk & support each other. Not all parenting topics need counselling & some may not have the money to pay for therapists. The church members running the course would o expect have to have safeguarding training too.

Original poster

Diemme · 29/05/2019 22:20

Do people who disagree with me really not entertain the idea that teenagers deserve privacy, same as adults do? Again, imagine an equivalent event aimed at men. And imagine finding out that your partner had gone along and spoke in front of 20 or so members of your own community about your mood swings, your weight battles, your pmt or whatever.

OP posts:

TheAngryLlama · 29/05/2019 22:34

Genuinely staggered by the people who can’t see what’s wrong with this. Your child is a separate human being entitled to the same respect as you are. You don’t get to treat their information as your own. Really concerning attitudes here.

Original poster

Diemme · 29/05/2019 22:46

Exactly llama I can't understand how people don't get. Minors need more protection than adults from invasion of their privacy, not less.

OP posts:

kmc1111 · 29/05/2019 22:57

I’m shocked anyone could think this is remotely ok. Those poor kids.

lifetothefull · 29/05/2019 22:59

I've been part of groups like this. I find it helpful. I am part of a group run by SS for foster carers. We know that what is said is confidential to the group. It's good to talk to people who get it.
Do you never talk to anyone about your children?

newtlover · 29/05/2019 23:04

unethical I think
I would wonder about the person running the group- to take your profession into a personal space is dubious for a start- it would be one thing to give a talk on 'coping with teens' but a group such as you describe is asking for trouble.

LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses · 29/05/2019 23:14

I am part of a group run by SS for foster carers. We know that what is said is confidential to the group.

Not the same thing at all. If you're all foster carers you'll all know the importance of keeping things confidential.

I agree with the OP. I'd have hated to be discussed with parents of peers like this when I was a teen. It's very likely that some of their children would have bullying me!

Justaboy · 29/05/2019 23:16

Sounds a bit like a Joves witnesses meet;!

OnePotMeal · 29/05/2019 23:16

I would have been mortified as a teenager if my parents had discussed my issues with all these church members (which presumably the teenagers also attend or at least did at one point). It would have guaranteed I never confided in my parents again.

Or went to church either, probably!

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 29/05/2019 23:22

Hmmm I see what you are saying, but it does depend.. I am a church member and I share openly with fellow mums about issues we are facing with parenting. They never would be repeated outside of that group and we have a strong ethos of confidentiality.

dreichuplands · 29/05/2019 23:49

If confidentiality was discussed and agreed then I'm not really seeing how this is different to most other parenting groups.
A facilitated group can be a great support but it sounds as though it should have had a clearer description.

Serin · 30/05/2019 00:10

Churches are uniquely positioned to offer support

Hmm I was raised Catholic in the 1970s, honestly Churches are the last places I would go to seek help for a troubled child.

justilou1 · 30/05/2019 00:17

How valid is confidentiality when they are a church group who probably all socialize together as well?

HennyPennyHorror · 30/05/2019 00:33

I went to a similar thing which was dressed up as a "Women in business" networking event. The woman running it served free wine and the atmosphere was one of forced camaraderie where everyone was expected to spill their guts. Not quite the same but sort of....people were discussing their husband affairs!

herculepoirot2 · 30/05/2019 06:13

Diemme

My partner is entitled to seek support in talking about our marriage. I would not be thrilled, and I would expect him to ensure the conversation was conducted by a professional, and yes, depending on what he said, I might feel he was being too open about certain things. But he has a right to talk about things that affect him as he wishes.

LellyMcKelly · 30/05/2019 06:21

That’s appalling. A gross breach of trust and confidence. Those poor kids, having their dirty linen aired in public for the benefit of a gossipy group. Pastoral care must be done in confidence to protect the rights of the individual, and the psychotherapist should know this. It’s open to all sorts of abuse.

LellyMcKelly · 30/05/2019 06:25

I can see there being value in a talk about, teenage sex, or whatever, followed by a general discussion, but for parents to sit there telling their friends and neighbours that their boy Johnny is always rubbing himself down with Marmite is something completely different.

GPatz · 30/05/2019 06:59

So if I wanted to discuss something like DH's premature ejaculation and our resulting dwindling sex life at an adult support event at our village church, which is attended by his friends wives, that would be okay?

ViolentBrutishAndShort · 30/05/2019 07:02

I am 50/50 about this. The adults have not been coerced into talking about their kids though have they? They have spoken when perhaps not doing so would have been the right thing to do but it's the adults that have spilled the beans on their offspring that are individually to blame surely? Not the fella that organised the event.

LolaSmiles · 30/05/2019 07:14

Ultimately, I think this is up to the parents to make their own ethical decisions about what they are prepared to share and who they are sharing too. Their assessment will obviously be impacted by their prior trust in these people. You say they all know each other well.
I think that's the key point. If someone has been invited into an existing group where people know and trust each other then I don't think the person coming in can judge the group context as being inappropriate.

I know friends who go to large churches and they have parenting groups. There's about 8 people in a group, there's a strong community feel, people don't go around gossiping and people choose how much it little to share in terms of details. Essnetially they are a group of friends pre group.

It's not for me, but I'm not sure it's automatically wrong for parents to discuss parenting with others.

Veterinari · 30/05/2019 07:26

Yes confidentiality was discussed in full and was paramount. But that's almost irrelevant.

Umm it’s really not!

Social support groups are common, it sounds like clear guidelines were set, participation was voluntary and it was up to individual parents to decide what they wanted to disclose.
No one was conned or coerced

If some parents shared what you feel were inappropriate details then that’s a shame but they likely did so out of a genuine need for support

I suspect the last thing that they need is judgement on a public Internet forum

Veterinari · 30/05/2019 07:30

@Diemme

IABU to attend a support group event within a congregation/community that i’m not part of, feel uncomfortable that they’re all a lot more personally trusting/sharing within their community than I am, judge them for sharing personal details with their friends/community, and then criticise their ethics on a public Internet forum

herculepoirot2 · 30/05/2019 07:37

It depends. How much is it affecting you? Has he asked you to keep it private?

I understand that there are potential issues that could arise, but to try to apply a blanket confidentiality clause to ordinary family relationships is just rubbish. I have the right to privacy, too. Does that mean, if I have a substance abuse problem or am suffering from bipolar episodes, my husband and children have no right to tell anyone? No, it doesn’t. People have the right to seek support that they need. The right to privacy is not absolute.

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