Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret savings and plans without OH

94 replies

ScrimpingandSaving · 29/05/2019 16:34

Long time lurker but never commented so far.

Basically I’m wondering how many of us have a secret savings account? I’ve got one, it doesn’t have an earth shattering amount in (yet she hopes), almost £3k, saved from squirrelling away a bit here and there.

I’m not in the happiest marriage but for many reasons I stay where I am. My little squirrel fund is my dream! I want to save enough for a house deposit and move into my own home that’s all mine, not the landlords or my husband’s. Although today I’ve been dreaming I’ve got enough to run away to Europe and work as a housekeeper.

I know I could take a tenancy in my name with my savings but my job is tied to my husband and my home so I want to buy my own home when I’ve got enough.

AIBU to have this secret and how many others have a secret savings account?

OP posts:
PiggyPokkyFool · 29/05/2019 16:40

Not me. I cannot imagine how hurt I would feel if DH had an escape fund, or doing that to him either.

Bumpdebump · 29/05/2019 16:41

YABU. Leave your husband. That's horribly sad for both of you, and very unfair to him.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 29/05/2019 16:43

I have savings DH doesn't know about, but we have equal spending money and I save some of mine.

Original poster
ScrimpingandSaving · 29/05/2019 16:44

Perhaps I should have said as I don’t want to drip feed, he’s horribly emotionally abusive and has attacked me physically three times in our four year marriage. Sorry really should have said in my initial post, it makes quite a bit of difference to my situation. Please don’t feel sorry for him!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 29/05/2019 16:44

Leave him if you don't want to be with him anymore

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/05/2019 16:45

No. We both have savings we have access too.

I'd leave if I found out he was smuggling our money away.

Original poster
ScrimpingandSaving · 29/05/2019 16:45

I can’t leave him, if it was that easy don’t you think I would have? My job and home are tied to our marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrimpingandSaving · 29/05/2019 16:46

It’s money we both earn, I only save my left overs.

OP posts:
VapeVamp12 · 29/05/2019 16:47

How would your husband feel if he knew you were hiding money. Turn the situation around and think how you would feel if you found out he had secret savings!

Nearlythere1 · 29/05/2019 16:50

I think it's a great plan OP, keep at your dream. People on here love to say "just leave" as if there's not a whole matrix of reasons making that difficult.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 29/05/2019 16:50

A lot of women in bad relationships have a ‘running away’ fund. I’td sensible IMO. How else are you going to get out?

Sindragosan · 29/05/2019 16:50

Hmm if he's abusive then nothing wrong with making careful plans to leave.

We both have savings accounts in our own names (more tax efficient) but the paperwork is in the same folder so each other could look if they were inclined.

Pemba · 29/05/2019 16:51

Did some posters miss that he is abusive? What you are doing is sensible OP, but don't leave it too long.

SometimesMaybe · 29/05/2019 16:52

Your quickest way out would be to get a new job away from him. Then you are only tied to the house. You could spend your savings on the deposit for a rental and pay rent with your income from your job?
I appreciate that it might not appear as simple as that, but with a new job you could have left him by the end of the year rather than dreaming of a future in many years time apart from him.

Sindragosan · 29/05/2019 16:53

Also, if you've a hiding place he definitely couldn't find, store some cash. Bank accounts could be frozen by the police or tracked if you were missing, cash can't.

Sceptre86 · 29/05/2019 16:54

I don't have a running away fund as such, happily married most of the timeWink. I do however have a savings fund, dh knows I have one but is not aware of the balance. I am currently using bits and bobs from there to do up our house a room at a time. I think I would feel quite upset if dh had a getting away from me fund. In your situation it is wise to have one, hope it serves you well.

Dillydallyer · 29/05/2019 16:55

If you were in a healthy, happy marriage then I’d say YABU. I wouldn’t dream of having secret saving from DH. But from what you’ve said you are absolutely not being unreasonable in your circumstances. I understand it’s not that easy to get away from an abusive marriage so you are doing the right thing, in my opinion. Just please don’t leave it to the point that you are seriously hurt. There is help out there Flowers

billy1966 · 29/05/2019 16:55

Of course you are right to be trying to raise funds to get away from an abuser.

Make sure you also don't get pregnant and complicate your life further.

Saving to buy a house could take years and you are wasting time.

Set a reasonable amount as a goal to get you safely away and go.

Good luck.

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/05/2019 16:56

Everyone should have access to some money of their own.

HollowTalk · 29/05/2019 16:56

I don't blame you at all. However, how can you buy a new place if your job is with your husband and you give that as a reason for staying?

How old are you? Do you have children together?

Pencilcase123 · 29/05/2019 16:58

OP he has attacked you already. He may kill you while you are saving. Your life is more important than owning your own home. Leave now.

Geminijes · 29/05/2019 17:00

You have very valid reasons for having a secret savings account. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it.

I hope, one day soon, you can leave your husband and live a happier life. In the meantime, keep saving.

LouiseMiltonSpatula · 29/05/2019 17:00

I don’t - but in your circumstances I don’t blame you for doing so. I hope you are able to make your escape soon Flowers

Onefootforward1 · 29/05/2019 17:01

I have always had a “running away” fund. I have no plans to run away but it makes me feel better knowing i could. I grew up in an abusive household and my mother could never leave due to finances. I like the freedom of knowing i could get up and walk out with my kids if i needed to. I believe people or situations can change out of nowhere and i hate relying on others.

Isatis · 29/05/2019 17:03

How would your husband feel if he knew you were hiding money. Turn the situation around and think how you would feel if you found out he had secret savings!

I'm guessing OP wouldn't go in for physical violence as her husband apparently does.