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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Secret savings and plans without OH

94 replies

ScrimpingandSaving · 29/05/2019 16:34

Long time lurker but never commented so far.

Basically I’m wondering how many of us have a secret savings account? I’ve got one, it doesn’t have an earth shattering amount in (yet she hopes), almost £3k, saved from squirrelling away a bit here and there.

I’m not in the happiest marriage but for many reasons I stay where I am. My little squirrel fund is my dream! I want to save enough for a house deposit and move into my own home that’s all mine, not the landlords or my husband’s. Although today I’ve been dreaming I’ve got enough to run away to Europe and work as a housekeeper.

I know I could take a tenancy in my name with my savings but my job is tied to my husband and my home so I want to buy my own home when I’ve got enough.

AIBU to have this secret and how many others have a secret savings account?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 29/05/2019 17:03

Why don't you run off to Europe and be a housekeeper? You have £3,000. Do you have somewhere you could go to while you planned it? Would your parents help out? Do you speak a foreign language?

I know you'd have to be careful with that amount of money but if you went on pay day you'd have a bit more. Do you have a car you could sell? What are you qualified to do?

ComeAndDance · 29/05/2019 17:04

To people who would be upset that your partner has a running away fund, how will you make the difference between simple savings and a runaway fund?
They are savings that’s it. If the OP then wants to use that to be able to leave her DH that’s a different matter.
But I think everyone should have some savings in their own name, one that they can only access.
Lots of reasons for that but it includes (bar divorce or running away)

death of the spouse and everything in joint names get frozen
some financial indépendance that allows you to buy something special wo automatically having the agreement of your partner etc...

OP I have a saving account like this. You can describe it as a runaway fund if you would lie in that this is money I would have automatic access if/when we get divorced. Money he wouodnt be able to touch. I still see it as savings that we both have in that, if we were divorced, that money would be split between us too. But it gives me that little bit of safety so that I do have access to some money if things come to the worse. H would have no issue in that score because if his job (much better wage than me....)

Takemetothemoon · 29/05/2019 17:04

Not being loopunreasonable having a secret fund if you are need to escape an abusive husband. If you no longer want to buy a house and want to travel I say go for it. I would suggest you contact Woman's Aid for support in the interim.

Had you been secretly been planning to leave a normal DH that's a different story but that's not the case. Be safe and get help then follow your dreams.

oneforthepain · 29/05/2019 17:05

What are the barriers to changing your job? Visa conditions?

Original poster

ScrimpingandSaving · 29/05/2019 17:08

My plan is to buy my own place and move jobs/area. I’m early 30s and will not get pregnant. We don’t have children together but he has two from his first marriage (he’s older). He treats them well and blames me for everything that ever happens, literally everything, even when I’m not involved at all. He gives the impression to all his friends that he’s the loveliest, kindest man, there’s only three people in the world know the real him, himself, me and his ex wife. I wish I’d listened to her!

OP posts:

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 29/05/2019 17:08

In a happy, healthy marriage YABU but it doesn’t sound like it is does it?

Addressing the real issue should be your priority and not dreaming of an escape.

Mummyshark2019 · 29/05/2019 17:10

You need to save as much as you can and get the hell away from him. Best of luck OP.

Chillyegg · 29/05/2019 17:12

If you have no children why not just go to Europe and get a divorce

JinglingHellsBells · 29/05/2019 17:12

I have always had my own work and my own savings.
I had a nest egg before I got married and added to it over the years.

I feel that all women should have access to their own money whether it's to buy clothes and stuff we want, or for security if something goes wrong with a relationship and we need to be independent.

I could not imagine having only a joint account or no accounts of my own.

If you feel your marriage is over and you cannot leave at the moment, for whatever reason, then I think you are being sensible.

BlueJag · 29/05/2019 17:13

I'll do exactly the same if I were you. You are building a fund to feel more secure.
I'm just sorry you are staying with him as clearly you don't.
Takes a lot to get organised and take further steps towards independence asap.
You know that long run you will be leaving him.
It is your money and he may also have some of his own money stashed away.
Take care and hopefully you'll realise your independent dreams in the near future.

oneforthepain · 29/05/2019 17:15

I get you want the security, but have you considered moving jobs/area and then sorting out the permanent home?

Physical violence always escalates.

Did he tell you his ex was crazy and jealous, etc?

If you haven't already been posted to the Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You're describing textbook abuse, so it's not a reflection on you that he pulled you in. It's also a crime.

JinglingHellsBells · 29/05/2019 17:15

I think your next step ought to be to find a job, rent, divorce and sell the family home and then use the capital to buy your own in time.

And not ALL savings that a person has goes into the divorce pot. If he earns more you may well keep your pot of cash depending on the settlement.

SoyDora · 29/05/2019 17:15

Of course it’s sensible to be squirrelling money away to escape your abusive husband, not sure why people on here are feeling sorry for him.

HollowTalk · 29/05/2019 17:16

You know it's a really bad idea to stay much longer - he could kill you. He's attacked you three times in four years - if he finds out you are saving money then he will definitely hurt you.

The sooner you leave, the better. Think about it practically - it will take years and years to save up for a deposit on your own with secret savings. You'll be instantly better off financially if you separate. What about planning to work as a housekeeper for five years and save whatever you can and then buy something?

Antigon · 29/05/2019 17:16

My husband isn’t abusive and yet I still have £60k of savings knows nothing about. He has had the opportunity to save much more than that but is spendthrift. A woman should always have her own money.

SecretMillionaire · 29/05/2019 17:17

Use the money to rent a property and look for a job independent of your husband. In a divorce he may have claim to any savings or property in your name. YANBU to want to have an escape plan in your circumstances.

HollowTalk · 29/05/2019 17:17

Is he financially abusive as well? That really wouldn't surprise me.

eddielizzard · 29/05/2019 17:18

I also think you should get out, 3k is enough. And expect his abuse to escalate. What's holding you there for the next say 3 months?

Lovemusic33 · 29/05/2019 17:18

I had a running away fund, always had separate accounts anyway so I just lied about how much I had. I kicked him out 4 years ago so didn’t run away but I had the funds to manage alone until I secured a job.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 29/05/2019 17:18

YANBU OP. There’s nothing wrong with having a little financial security for yourself. My mum always used to say that every woman needs to be financially secure in her own, even if it’s just a little bit squirrelled away

Singlenotsingle · 29/05/2019 17:20

Thank goodness you haven't got kids!

BrendasUmbrella · 29/05/2019 17:20

I don't understand the replies before the OP added more information. Why on earth is it "very unfair" to have savings of your own? She didn't suggest she was stealing money. If I found out my DP had £3000 in a private savings account, I don't know if I could even muster up a reaction, apart from "Yes... Sensible..."

Fannybaws52 · 29/05/2019 17:22

Won't he be legally entitled to a share of assets when you divorce?

I'd go see a solicitor to secure that deposit you're saving up and don't buy until the divorce is final or solicitor tells you it's safe.

Good luck, poppet. I hope you escape soon and live your dreams out.

randomchap · 29/05/2019 17:22

According to google:

During divorce proceedings, the court will assess your and your partner's joint assets, but also any individual bank accounts and credit cards you hold

so the money in your account will be taken into account with the financial settlement part of the divorce.

Women's Aid will be able to give you good advice, they have a Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247

RomanyQueen1 · 29/05/2019 17:24

No, but can understand it if you are trying to escape. A good and happy marriage shouldn't need secrets.

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