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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret savings and plans without OH

94 replies

ScrimpingandSaving · 29/05/2019 16:34

Long time lurker but never commented so far.

Basically I’m wondering how many of us have a secret savings account? I’ve got one, it doesn’t have an earth shattering amount in (yet she hopes), almost £3k, saved from squirrelling away a bit here and there.

I’m not in the happiest marriage but for many reasons I stay where I am. My little squirrel fund is my dream! I want to save enough for a house deposit and move into my own home that’s all mine, not the landlords or my husband’s. Although today I’ve been dreaming I’ve got enough to run away to Europe and work as a housekeeper.

I know I could take a tenancy in my name with my savings but my job is tied to my husband and my home so I want to buy my own home when I’ve got enough.

AIBU to have this secret and how many others have a secret savings account?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 29/05/2019 17:30

It's only £3000 random, just a drop in the ocean. And she will have spent it by then anyway.

AutovillaGirl · 29/05/2019 17:32

As you are in an abusive marriage I would say get out sooner rather than later. You have saved up enough to keep you going for a while. If you don't have family to shelter you then find yourself another job asap and you will be able to rent your own place and then still save up to buy your own house if that's what you want, but will be safe while you are doing it. If you want something quick and short term there are adverts in The Lady for instance for live in housekeepers so you would have home and job all in one. Good luck x

Pinotjo · 29/05/2019 17:40

Yup, you do right! Iv got secret savings, its sensible. Its my rainy day money. I don't rely on my partner for money, I work full time, own my own house, more than pay my way, bill's, holidays, car etc. My stash is mine cos you just never know. Keep saving but get a plan to leave, change jobs, whatever you need to do Flowers

Accountant222 · 29/05/2019 17:40

I've always had one, just in case.

Original poster
ScrimpingandSaving · 29/05/2019 17:44

Thanks everyone, very supportive. It’s nice to feel kindness even if you are strangers.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 29/05/2019 17:45

If I felt I needed a secret account I would take that as a massive sign I shouldn’t be in that marriage. What’s the point if no trust and you haven’t got each other’s backs

GreenTulips · 29/05/2019 17:45

Is the house in joint names

Original poster
ScrimpingandSaving · 29/05/2019 17:47

We don’t own the house we live in, it’s a cottage tied to our jobs.

@MsTSwift I guess you haven’t read beyond the first message as this answers your question.

OP posts:
chockaholic72 · 29/05/2019 17:47

Sounds a wild thing to do but my friend works for the Royal Household as a housekeeper. they have a website. Didn't go in with much skills, and the pay isn't great, but bed and board are included, and you get a lot of holiday and a decent pension. They train you really well. There's lots of security to get through, and non-disclosure agreements, but she loves it, has no money worries, all her money is hers after rent, and it's a really interesting world to be in.

Blueemeraldagain · 29/05/2019 17:50

If my best friend was in your situation my biggest concern would be how much longer it would take her to save a house deposit amount of money and how many times her husband could kill her and take her money, or divorce her and take half (?) her money, in that period.

Aimily · 29/05/2019 17:50

I don't have a secret savings account, but then I'm not in your situation, I hope you get enough together to get the life and freedom you want soon, you deserve to be happy xx

NotStayingIn · 29/05/2019 17:58

Is there any way you get already get a different job now, not tied to his. Can you find a way to sell this to him as a good thing? For example if you could earn a bit more you could say you could contribute a bit more? Just as a way to already slowly set yourself up for being able to leave? (And the savings account is a great idea!) Good luck OP.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/05/2019 18:06

Leave as soon as you can. Otherwise your secret stash could be paying for your funeral.
Violent abusive partners tend to increase their violence as time goes on.

GreenTulips · 29/05/2019 18:08

Yes look for a live in job elsewhere!

Lots around if you’re prepared to move - even just temporary.

BenjiB · 29/05/2019 18:12

I have my own savings. My husband knows about it though although he’s probably got no idea how much. It’s been spent and added to over the years. He’s not really interested in what’s in there.

HollowTalk · 29/05/2019 18:20

Were the assaults reported to the police? It's incredibly how many violent men can pose as charming guys to the general public.

OP, can you tell us what stopped you from leaving him when he assaulted you? Did you believe his apologies? Was it a money problem, that you felt stuck?

Thingsdogetbetter · 29/05/2019 18:26

£3k will get you a CELTA course, a flight to Asia and 2 months spending money. You are not trapped. There are options!! Don't let fear stop you.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 29/05/2019 18:35

We have joint finances and accounts for spending, but separate investments, ISAs etc. DH doesn’t know how much I have apart from a ballpark estimate and nor does he care. I don’t know how much he has either actually, he invests (and gains and loses) in many areas.

Suppose any savings could be used as a running away fund by either of us.

FlipFloppyFlop · 29/05/2019 18:39

Women should always have a secret savings account. You think husbands arent capable of turning into a total stranger/monster and emptying joint accounts if it hit the fan? Wishing you all the best OP.

starzig · 29/05/2019 18:40

Have my own savings but it's not a secret.

BessieBumptiousness · 29/05/2019 18:45

It's absolutely a sensible thing to do, even if you're in a happy relationship. Things can change without warning.

TixieLix · 29/05/2019 18:46

I get exactly where you are OP. I too am in an unhappy marriage to a man who can be EA and has been throughout our marriage. I have a myriad of reasons why I can't leave just yet. It's not always easy to "just leave". I too have a small fund and mine is made up of dividends I get on shares that I have in my company. One day I will be free, and will use my fund to help achieve that, but that day is not yet.

LakieLady · 29/05/2019 18:59

Good for you, OP. YANBU, and I hope you manage to find a way out of your situation soon.

You deserve better.

S0CKS · 29/05/2019 19:31

Wouldn't say its secret money as if he ever needed to look at my online banking he would see it, its not a fuck off fund really but if i needed to itd pay modest rent and bills round here for 6 months but likewise id spend it on other stuff if need be

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 29/05/2019 19:33

In a divorce you would have to declare the savings and he could be entitled to half as it would be considered a marital asset......