Secret savings and plans without OH

[ScrimpingandSaving]

Long time lurker but never commented so far.

Basically I’m wondering how many of us have a secret savings account? I’ve got one, it doesn’t have an earth shattering amount in (yet she hopes), almost £3k, saved from squirrelling away a bit here and there.

I’m not in the happiest marriage but for many reasons I stay where I am. My little squirrel fund is my dream! I want to save enough for a house deposit and move into my own home that’s all mine, not the landlords or my husband’s. Although today I’ve been dreaming I’ve got enough to run away to Europe and work as a housekeeper.

I know I could take a tenancy in my name with my savings but my job is tied to my husband and my home so I want to buy my own home when I’ve got enough.

AIBU to have this secret and how many others have a secret savings account?

Also advice to get any extra money decide all household expenses are going to be cash based - to track spending or whatever bull excuse you can think of and squirrel a little away each time my friend did that.

I know this is easier said than done.
But what if you were to save to buy your own home if you were to find another job, and rent privately whilst you save?

Every single woman should have their own safety net. Married or not, happily or unhappily. It's ridiculous for you not to, IMO.

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I think it sounds sensible to have a fund of private money to make yourself safe. I wonder if it would be helpful to speak to Women’s Aid who have a domestic violence helpline and may have good advice for you:

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/#1447938436894-c75d2618-2529

If you don't have children together then please leave sooner rather than later OP

You can rebuild you life, get a new job and start again x

No, I wouldn't have secret funds (other than maybe an emergency £100 stashed somewhere in case either of us needed real cash urgently). I guess an abusive relationship would be different or if it was the culture of the couple to have entirely private financial dealings.

I'm not in an abusive relationship but have my own savings. He knows about it and it's (mostly!) jokingly referred to as my running away fund. I think it's sensible to have access to your own funds.

My ex & I were in a similar position, living in a flat in the property we were responsible for although he also had another full-time job. Marriage was a bad mistake & after the violence started I made arrangements moneywise as he'd gone through the fairly large sum I'd brought to the marriage (2nd one for both of us) I told my doctor the situation & had a lot of support from her/the surgery. He & I were effectively living apart under the same roof at that point & on advise I applied for & got WTC. He was not aware of this at any point before I got him out. After about 3 months of having about £50 pw paid into my own bank account& an abusive incident I phoned our employer in his hearing & told them that the marriage was over & why. They were taken aback but very solicitous, asked me would either of us be staying in the job/flat & I said yes, I would as I'd told him he had to go. He went without any fuss then, & I'd a few hundred put by to tide me over. Would it be possible for you to do something similar, or to ask your employer if they can do anything like let you move to another property if they have one, doing the same kind of job?

When I was younger I too was trapped in abusive relationship in a flat tied to my ex's job, and I had absolutely nowhere to go and, because of the circumstances at the time, no chance of saving any money. YANBU to save to get away and I hope you're able to escape as soon as you possibly can. I really wish I'd had that option - instead I ended up staying in a seriously dangerous situation for two years because I didn't know where else to go, and it nearly broke me. You are doing the right thing, OP.

Hi OP

This is really good advice from a previous poster. Please can you make sure you are safe and take immediate precautions for that.

*I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I think it sounds sensible to have a fund of private money to make yourself safe. I wonder if it would be helpful to speak to Women’s Aid who have a domestic violence helpline and may have good advice for you:

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/#1447938436894-c75d2618-2529*

Are you married? If so he can take half of your home if you buy one. Look for a new job, use money to rent a place and get a divorce. Once the divorce comes through, then plan your dream home

I’d be concerned about your OH taking half or some portion of your hard-earned savings in a settlement. I’m not really sure how it all works but perhaps you could withdraw the cash or give it to someone you trust for safeguarding?

Are you married OP, or just living together.?
Start looking for that job as a housekeeper.
I would call 101 and log the abusive incidents; because sadly the most dangerous time with an abusive man is when you leave,

Is there anywhere you can slowly transfer your personal effects before your H notices.? You need to start your escape plan now and look for jobs. If you have a live in role; then you can save more money in your next job. How about the Middle East for a couple of years? You could earn plenty to put down a deposit on a new place.
Please go soon and don’t waste any more of your life with this man.

Well done OP, YDNBU 💐

It's so useful in an abusive relationship to have a secret running away fund.
Abusers are at their most dangerous when they think you are going to escape

Yes, if married, divorce would normally split all assets and accounts, but the OP needs a running away fund and to support herself until then.
He won't be helpful in the interim about supporting her and would probably empty any joint accounts.

Her money could be used for a rental deposit and to tide her over - it could be months, if ever, before she can access joint funds.

OP:

It's a GREAT advantage you have no kids

• No compulsory ties to him later, no worries about supporting them, changing schools etc

Why stay longer in danger though, just because you want to own your own house ?
It's better to escape the violence earlier to a rented propert and then plan your life in peace from a safe situation,
whether abroad or not

btw, if your eventual plan is to move abroad, you need to live there for quite a while anyway before even thinking about buying, so you can make informed choices

That fund would be useful if you find a job abroad, because you'll want to go with a bit of financial backup,
maybe even need to pay for your flight

Don't leave it to late to leave. Life is short.

My grandmother had an exit fund squirrelled away in a building society account. She had a very unhappy marriage to my grandad but it was harder to leave in those days.

She developed rheumatoid arthritis and became too ill to leave. She died prematurely never having told my grandad of her intentions. When he discovered the account he decided to use the money to pay for her funeral arrangements. So I suppose it did fund an exit of sorts, just not the one she had in mind .

Please give yourself the permission to live your life free from fear. There's always a solution. I hope you manage to find that opportunity sooner rather than later.

I'm with you OP. Everyone should have a savings account in their sole name with enough to survive for 6 months. Not always possible but very much desirable. All joint accounts can be blocked by the other person.

Very sympathetic to the op of course she should do what she needs to to exit a horrible situation I wish her ever luck.

But I can’t agree “every woman should have a running away fund” that’s nonsense.

@ScrimpingandSaving I’m aware this is a zombie thread but on the off chance you might reply, I wondered what happened in the end? I hope your savings grew a bit more and you were able to escape! X