To think my DF is being ripped off.

[Faultymain5]

My DF decided to go on holiday with his cousins to celebrate another cousin's 70th birthday.

From UK to US (Orlando).

He paid £900 to include flight and accommodation (airbnb between 6 adults (2 kids but I wouldn't count them and clearly they haven't). I was told that should be more than enough (so assume there is some money left over, but never told how much). Flights are about £500 for economy. Accommodation could be pricey they went for 3 weeks.

My dad is terrible with money and has memory issues after a stroke (but has always been allowed to be terrible with money), so normally I or my mum will travel with him (spoil him) and ensure that he's spending reasonable sums. I gave my Cousin £200 (this is to pay for any places they need to get to). I gave my dad £400, this equated to slightly over $500. I gave him $400 and $100 in a separate bag (in case of emergencies).

After day 7 I get asked for £40 as he wants to give $50 to his cousin for her birthday. I had to speak to him, as I felt that he should have more than enough for him (considering there is an emergency fund).

I got a message back from my cousin today saying my DF has around $150 left and they've got 9 days so it might be tight giving her $50. How in seven days do they get through $600? I know it's Orlando and I haven't been for a while, but still. One person who has paid all accommodation and flights, couldn't possibly have used all that up already could they?

I had to ask what they were doing and informed them that they need to cut their cloth accordingly. Was I wrong to say that?

I know my Dad is rubbish with money (his fault and mum's for enabling), however he's also 73 years old, doesn't work, so I'm not sure everything they're doing he needs to be doing too. Should I just send the extra money?

I just thought £600 in less than 10 days was fast

Since flights and accommodation are already paid for and he doesn't do the theme parks, £60 pppd could be made to work - I spend a lot of time in Florida and while it's a bit tight it's doable

But Orlando's a money pit, with inducements to spend everywhere you look, so if on a budget the only real way to avoid a singed wallet is to research less expensive places to eat, etc, before you go

Did anyone do this, do you know?

You sound a bit financially abusive towards him actually op.

@Shiftymake How old are your DSD's

She does not sound financially abusive. What bullshit! She sounds run ragged servicing a holiday she’s not even on and trying to protect her dad from being seen as a human slot machine by the people he’s with.

Your mum must have agreed to this holiday though and known it wouldn't come cheap out of their presumably joint savings. If she's okay with it and not worried it will use up all their savings to the point you'll have to fund their retirement, then why are you? I'm guessing you've been asked to facilitate the money transfer because your mum doesn't know how to? In which case if she could have done it you'd not have had the opportunity to decide if your DF was spending too much money or not.

Chances are that the organisers simply underestimated how much they would be spending and possibly thought they would be eating in cheaply and doing free activities when actually they now want to eat out and enjoy some of the many attractions in the area.

He’s there now so best thing is to send the money (possibly with a warning that this is really allhe can afford) and hope he has a good time.

Well done for doing all that organisation on his behalf.

£600 would have been sufficient in 1983

The spending money budget was created by them.

But this just begs the question of why you let other people set his budget, rather than working out how much he needed. You would have seen a budget of $30 a day was absurd.

You sound a bit financially abusive towards him actually op.

Don't be ridiculous.

You would have seen a budget of $30 a day was absurd.

Well, the people who set the budget clearly didn't.

The budget wasn't right, you've been hopefully reassured that it was cock-up rather than a con, yet you're seemingly very cross that everyone is saying you should send more money. For the urgent $50 can you not subsidise from your own bank account for 3 days until his money gets there and then send the rest? He's 73, that's similar in age to my dad and FIL; they both manage their own money but if they needed something we'd happily help them, they're retired and deserve a good break. Do you actually want your dad to have a nice holiday? Are you angry because you weren't invited on the holiday or because you can't afford to go on a similar break yourself? Try to remember that you have time to take these trips in coming years, whereas at some point for your dad it might become too difficult to manage a long flight.

I did his passport renewal
15 minutes for the form, maybe an hour sorting out the photos
his Esta
5 minutes to fill in the form
and sent money over
5 minutes
carried him to the rendezvous point
1 hour?

You spent maximum 2 hours and 25 minutes, most of which was dropping off your dad for photos and the airport. Stop acting up as though you've spent a lot of effort. The PP who suggested you're "run ragged" sorting out the holiday - WTF??? Don't enable OP in this, she needs to recognise that her cousin has done a nice thing organising the trip and try to be happy for her dad instead of begrudging each measly second of her own time.

^ This.

Also, don't begrudge him a nice holiday. Let him be extravagant if he wants to. How many more trips like this will he be able to have.

£600 for 12 days is £50 a day. Which isn’t that bad.

Op has said she didn’t know it was 21 days.

Potential costs per person for 7 days, without major theme parks:

Breakfasts in accommodation $30
Lunches of sandwich / treat / drink $100
Dinners out at modest eatery $200
Snacks + drinks to-go from Publix $70

Ice cream + 3 drinks bought when out $70

7 day pass on Lynx transport system $16
4 attractions via Explorer Pass $95
Couple of cinema trips $20

Total $601, leaving $100 spare from c.$700 budget

As I said, tight but doable (and I've done it)

You’ve had some odd responses on here op. What happened to the mumsnet mantras “you’re enabling him, let him make his own decisions and maybe fall flat on his face as It’s the only way he’ll learn” and “he has alcohol issues you don’t owe him anything”. How has it been twisted that you’re responsible for his happiness and his funding!

I think you’ve done quite enough towards his holiday, and there should be some gratitude coming your way. And I seriously doubt all the organising time came in at under 2.5 hours!!

You sound a bit financially abusive towards him actually op.

Oh ffs. How do you come up with that?

I spent more than that on a long weekend to Berlin

The only problem on mumsnet is when someone gives advice based on how they'd do things or their family relationships. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not a reflection of the situation presented. I have deliberately not tried to explain things on a deeper level. But here goes a bit more.

Firstly, my parents have separate savings. My parents have a complicated marriage, which is none of our business. My DM did not agree to this holiday. I have permission to manage money belonging to my father from my father. I question where he wouldn't, he knows it and prefers me to be bad cop. In fact one of the last things he said was "I don't understand money which is why I leave it to you and your mum, because you will look after me". Great job for a child (yes resentment), yet one I do with honour and to the best of my ability (thank you very much @Eliza9919 - I suggest you stop crying wolf financial abuse is a real thing).

@MRex, not sure where you see resentment at having to send money over, annoyed at being inconvenienced for sure. As mentioned above, it was confirmed and reiterated over and over again, that I will be sending the money over, once it was explained how expensive and how far the money would go, I had no problem with it.

2hrs 25, really? 15 minutes to fill out a passport? I'm going to get you to do it next time.

My dad doesn't even remember where he was born somedays (takes time to think, his mind sometimes plays tricks as a result of his stroke - glad t hear your F and FIL are well, try to remember everyone is different), so ESTA also not 5 minutes.

You forget the toing and froing with cousins who are organising. You forget (cause I forgot to mention), the insurance, where I have to go through various ailments and medication, because I don't know those.

So whether in total I spent 10 minutes or 10 hours is irrelevant, I'm going to do that for my dad. Doesn't mean the timing isn't inconvenient and doesn't mean I can't express it.

@Eliza9919 again, I don't begrudge my dad his holiday nice, sensational or otherwise. Not sure why you think that. I do begrudge being called tight through no fault of my own, especially when I was asking if I was wrong. But we all have opinions.

Finally, my dad might have one foot in the grave, but when he was 70 he went to the Caribbean for a family holiday, when he weas 71 he went to Miami, within the next 18 months, heart problems, stroke or not, I anticipate he will go somewhere far again, if he wants to. But thanks for your concern. I'm here to make sure sure he can afford it, until such time he doesn't want me to do that for him.

I really do hope you are satisfied that I'm sending money to him.

Why do you sound so angry op?

If you don't send him money, he won't eat ffs

Probably because you called her financially abusive Eliza.

@Eliza9919 Read the above.

With that full explanation you read me as angry about sending my DF money?

Wow! just wow (please read that as amazement, my tone is very hard to read)

Whether it's a reasonable amount of money depends on whether everyone on the holiday was on the same page.

As a student/young teacher, I would go on holidays to 'nice' places by budgeting very carefully. Self-catering, including packed lunches most of the time. Maybe one 'big' outing during the trip, with most of the time spent at beaches, free/cheap museums, etc. Careful about souvenirs. I averaged less than £20/day after transport and accommodation, and still had an amazing time.

However, that was only possible because my friends had the same idea. If they'd all been eating out every evening instead of cooking together, I don't imagine that I'd have been able to be so frugal.

Faultymain5 if he's got so many health issues - and if you sort out finances for him - can I ask what the insurance situation is?

It's just that the US is a heck of a place to be if anything happened and if the coverage is less than spot on

I sympathise OP, I have also had to look after elderly/ill parents and it is draining. It sounds like you are being a great help to them and not unreasonable in trying to balance your Dad having a good time and the fact that he is not good with money and you are likely to have to pick up the slack when he runs out. I agree you need to send more money, but think that point has been hammered home by PPs!