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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

999 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 29/05/2019 08:32

I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

OP posts:
Parker231 · 30/05/2019 17:07

If someone wants to be a SAHP, no problem if that works for them and their DC’s but why can you get tax credits to do so? If your income isn’t enough to support you, medical reasons excepted, you should work. Why should I fund someone to stay at home?

BollocksIsTheWord · 30/05/2019 17:11

I work in a school so had half-term off with 5 yo old DS and I’m counting the days till I’m back at work. I was SAH with him till he was 3 but I have so many good friends at work and enjoy the social side.

LovelyJubblee · 30/05/2019 17:11

If we could afford for my DH not to work and be a SAHD even in term time we would. He hates his job

I however would be so bored without working

AlaskanOilBaron · 30/05/2019 17:36

But, you carry on thinking I'm lying if it helps you through your shift at the call centre.

Possibly the stupidest thing I've ever read on MN.

What an absolute twat you are.

Pa1oma · 30/05/2019 17:40

I would say, of all the SAHMs I know, none of them would be in that role if the extra money would make a tangible difference to their DCs lives - eg. if it was the difference between having a holiday or not. I mean they might do it for the pre-school years, but no more.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 30/05/2019 17:40

I don’t care what honest job anyone does...be that a heart surgeon, a refuse worker, a chef or a call centre worker BUT I have zero respect for someone who uses tax payer funded benefits to pay for luxury items like multiple equestrian pets. Benefits are an essential safety net and should not be a lifestyle choice.

RomanyQueen1 · 30/05/2019 17:45

Perhaps if more people worked and didn’t use tax payers money to fund their children’s educations, when a free school would do, there wouldn’t be such a divide!

There is such a divide because private education is usually for the rich, not because someone is entitled due to tax credits. Grin

Parker because some people can't afford to work or they don't want to, and of course we don't make the rules.

moonrises · 30/05/2019 17:47

Just wondering if it is ok for DH to be at home on TC for our ds with autism?

As for 'disney' it may well be a weekend in Paris by Eurostar, rather than a fancy pants trip to the US.

Pa1oma · 30/05/2019 17:50

Contrary to this thread, what I have seen happening round here is that both parents might work through the pre-school years, but then one (usually the mum) becomes a SAHM for the school years. Our neighbours did exactly this. The reason being, it’s fairly easy to find a nanny who can do the toddler / pre-school years which are fairly straightforward, but not so much one who can help with homework etc when it actually starts to count. The schools round here are super-competitive and often DC are sitting 7+ or 8+ exams. With the best will in the world, a nanny is not likely to take in the task of getting her head round this kind of educational support - it’s a whole other role in itself. So the mums actually leave work when the DC are approaching this stage to support the prep, otherwise it’s highly unlikely the DC will get in. You see this happen a fair bit in this part of London.

moonrises · 30/05/2019 17:50

Parker you are no more funding my lifestyle (ha ha ha) then my own taxes do.

IvanaPee · 30/05/2019 17:52

There is such a divide because private education is usually for the rich, not because someone is entitled due to tax credits

I meant the divide between SAHM and WOHM.

I mean, you obviously don’t give a shit and that’s fine. It wouldn’t be for me. And I do hope you’re not passing on that attitude to your children because they won’t get away with taking the piss with Brexit looming.

ClannLir · 30/05/2019 17:57

Here’s a wild idea, Pa1oma. Send your kids to a normal school that doesn’t subject seven year olds to testing that requires a SAH parent to help cram for it, and sustains a divided system that perpetuates inequality. Hmm

Jellicoe · 30/05/2019 17:59

I am a SAHM to a 10 and 12. I dont need to work. As for boredom - its non existent as I am always busy either doing volunteering work at charities or learning something new. It's an enviable position so dont squander it!! As I see it me going back to work will only take up a position of someone who actually needs the money.

Its2oclockinthemorning · 30/05/2019 18:01

From a logistics point of view I found working easier when kids were at nursery. Wrap around care at our local primary was crap so it was actually more tempting to give up work at that point

RomanyQueen1 · 30/05/2019 18:02

What attitude is that then? Taking what you are offered? This is much better than saying no I won't take you up on the offer it wouldn't be fair to do so because my parents aren't rich and receive tax credits. confused]

Just realise we are different and do what's best for our families which isn't the same for all families. Normal school couldn't offer our last dependant a suitable education, it was fine for the other two dc.

follygirl · 30/05/2019 18:02

I've been a sahm for 15 years, my dcs are 15 and 13.

I love being a sahm and don't regret not working. I'm always available to the kids after school, during holidays. I see all the plays/ sports matches they want me to attend. We have a close relationship in that I feel I know them really well. Having said that I'm not in their pockets and they are very independent.

When they're at school, I run, walk my dog, meet up with friends, see my Mum, do volunteering etc. I'm never bored!

I've seen quite a few people comment on being concerned about the financial implications should someone like me get divorced. To be honest I can't see it happening and he would never be a dick about it. We both have life insurance so should the worst thing happen I'd be fine financially.

I'm really not saying that this life is for everyone, I genuinely hope that all women feel happy with whatever choices they make, whether to work or not. I'm not saying it's better than working, but it certainly is for me.

Pa1oma · 30/05/2019 18:03

Also, what hasn’t been mentioned in here is that some women are SAH for largely cultural reasons, as well as maybe being expat. For instance, one of our neighbours has two SAHWs, but one lives with him while the other is in Egypt and this is the arrangement.

EllenMP · 30/05/2019 18:07

Even with your kids at school you only have a short day to do something else, and that day will be filled with things to do. If you don't have to work for financial reasons and fancy staying home I would do it. It gives you the chance to get all the boring stuff done while kids and partner are out the house and then enjoy family time at the weekend without having to hare about running errands and changing beds. I've been home for 18 years and have never felt bored, though I need to read a lot to keep my brain stimulated.

Icandothisallday · 30/05/2019 18:07

To be honest I can't see it happening and he would never be a dick about it. We both have life insurance so should the worst thing happen I'd be fine financially.

See this is so naive. You have no clue if he would be a dick if you split up.

Check out the divorce boards. Theres even a thread today about a man who quit a high earning job to study. Now doesnt have to pay CMS.

Honestly if it's a risk you are willing to take that's fine. But saying 'it wont happen and if it did, he would be good about it' IS naive.

ClannLir · 30/05/2019 18:07

God Pa1oma, I always wonder how consciously goofy you’re being, but you’re actually suggesting being a SAHM is necessary for some women because of super-selective education and polygamy? Hmm

Coleymoo · 30/05/2019 18:09

I've been a stay at home mum for 12 years as my child has learning difficulties and I am the only one who can take her and puck her up from school so every day I have a 3 and a half hour window I could work Monday to Friday only and I need all school holidays off it's hard to find a job that fits the criteria but I'm not lazy as one person mentioned I still have my home to run I dong drive so I walk everywhere and my child keeps me on my toes dont get me wrong I'd live to go back to my retail job that I absolutely loved but my circumstances wont allow it so no I dont think you're unreasonable

user1472151176 · 30/05/2019 18:09

Everyone has their own circumstances. Ive been a SAHM for the past 2 years. It wasn't through choice but unfortunately was the best financial option for us. I hated it for the first 6 months but then I loved it. My children are both at school now so I've started working part time and I'm happy with that. If money was no object I would happily stay at home and make sure the house was always tidy and enjoy some activities by myself. I've been a full time working mum, a part time working mum and a stay at home mum. There is no right or wrong. Full time working mum was hard but I didn't have a career that I love. Do what's best for you and your family.

LaurieMarlow · 30/05/2019 18:11

To be honest I can't see it happening and he would never be a dick about it.

I think lots of people think that and turn out to be mistaken, sadly. I think it too, but I’m not taking the chance.

The other thing is, unless you have enormous assets, half of the marriage assets plus starting quite low on the salary ladder in your 50s doesn’t sound like a great place to be.

Unless you’ve got the kind of training that you could pick up a well paid job after 10+ years out of the work force. Now that’s an enviable position to be in.

follygirl · 30/05/2019 18:13

Icandothisallday

I find it really sad that it is being suggested that women should work just in case you get divorced. I might be naive in your eyes but I'm in a very loving marriage to some I've known for 25 years who respects me as a woman, mother and a wife. I appreciate that divorces happen all the time, but I'd be shocked as hell if my marriage broke up.

Why should I do something I don't want to do, just in case, maybe he divorces me?

Cookies2015 · 30/05/2019 18:14

Tried it, got bored so went back to part time work around school holidays (got job at a school for 3 days a week) still leaves me time on the other 2 days to sort out house and admin stuff