To go arghhhhhhhhhh 🤬🤬🤬🤬

[Notsureabouthis]

At my 14 year old!

He has his end of Year exams coming up. next week. Off on half term this week. He’s said he’ll do 3 sessions of studying a day, no more. Ok, that seemed all right but not brilliant.

He is just so argumentative! He wants to play Fortnite when he isn’t studying. Says he’ll play on the PS4 first thing then study after lunch. Every evening I’ve been making him write down exactly what and when (times) he’s going to work in the next day. But then he went out with friends instead this afternoon. We’ve now just had a big row as he was wanting me to help with his French oral prep this afternoon so I’ve been waiting to do that with him on my day off. His friends were out in the garden and he just came in and said I’m going on the PS4 now, I’ve hardly played today (which is untrue). I’ve just lost my temper with him and so he said he’d do some French revision but not with me!

Just really grrr at his entitled attitude. PS4 first, then mates then maybe a bit of work if I nag him!

Feel like chucking the PS4 out of the window. I know there will be WW3 if I remove it! He is very good at feeling hard done by.

Advice?! Solidarity? My older one was hard work but never this stroppy and disrespectful.

His reaction shows you have done the right thing. He is trying to escalate, but he doesn’t have the right boundaries to understand that you did what you were perfectly entitled to do and what was in his interests. He will come back.

I wouldn't have wanted to revise "with" my parents. Why are you trying to do that?

You can stress the importance of studying and doing his best, but in the end it is down to him. He will either do it or he won't.

I've had three daughters go through GCSEs now. Two were academic and really set about studying and getting on with it. That was DD1 and DD3, who were always real self-motivators. DD2, by contrast, was much less bothered and less academic. Chasing her would have been counterproductive. She would just have dug her heels in and WW3 would have erupted. Her attitude was that if she got some GCSEs then fine, but if not then also fine.

I would point out the importance and then leave him to it. Hopefully he doesn't get poor results, but if he does then it might just be what he needs to spur him on to do better.

No need to be so involved.

I wonder how you instil a "work first, play later" attitude? I think for me, it was really modelled/expected from a young age. For example, dad got us all doing our chores on a Saturday morning (mum was at work) so that when she got home all of the chores were done for the rest of the weekend.

Nowadays I find it really hard to relax unless every imaginable "chore" is completed first.

Sometimes our internet ‘goes down’ in the evenings. Its always down around homework time 🙄

I was strong willed as a teen, refused to revise. I failed maths and science but aced English. I retook maths at college a few years later and scraped a C grade which I was happy with.

I’m defo not for telling him “don’t worry if you fail you can always retake them” because that’s the wrong attitude to have, but the internet ‘going down’ may help you out a bit!

You need to back off.

They are his exams. Not yours.

If he has expressed the wish and intention to do work but failed to follow through, I bet you anything it's not his 'attitude' that needs work, it's his confidence: he is feeling anxious about his exams and he is procrastinating. The more he procrastinates the more the work piles up and the more he feels anxious and pressurised. You nagging at him and heaping in the pressure even more is NOT helping.

You need to lay off the judgement. Tell him you love him no matter what.

These are not his GCSEs. It's the prime opportunity to let him learn from his mistakes. If he fails the exams this time then no harm done, he can start revising much sooner next time and save himself all this stress.

To the PP a school can run its end of year exams whenever they want. In fact DS's school has had end of year exams last week and next week after half tern for all year groups onc gcses and A levels. Actually it helps where there are siblings in different year groups to all be revising at the same time.rather than one group off having fun whilst another is working away.

At year 9 I would take the console away for a couple of days and say of you can earn it back by revising and then you will ne allowed tl self regulate. If he then fails to do this and gets crap marks he will realise he didn't work hard enough. Then at the next lot of testing sit him down and discuss what happened last time.

It's half term and he's 14. They're internal exams. Nothing bad will happen if he fails them, except maybe he'll be a little embarrassed.

Offer him support with revision, like you have been. Make sure he has somewhere quiet to revise. Then let him get on with it.

What are the consequences if he fails? Ds played this game at AS...in the exams in the January after his IGCSEs. I knew nothing, despite having taught both GCSE and A level (and being aGCSE examiner), so was told to keep my nose out. I duly did so, and got a very weepy and panicked phone call from him at sixth form on results day (he boarded for sixth form) as his results were dreadful.

I laughed, resisted the temptation to say 'I told you so' and asked what he proposed to do to put it right. He worked his tail off for the next few months, had the PS4 removed prior to exams (and it was kept in Belgium away so he couldn't have it back), and he turned it around by doing resits and the rest of the exams at the same time. He learned the hard way, perhaps your son needs to.

I'd let him crash and burn, unless this will affect which set he is in next year.

Why does he have so much power in the house? You are the parent, do your job. You are providing for everything in his life. He has to pay back by giving you respect and following the rules, which includes studying. PS4 is not a necessity, education is. Take the PS4 away and he can have if he does well in exams. If he doesn't perform well then tough, he can't have it. You should have taken it away a month ago anyway.

So I did it entirely differently - it was up to my 2 DS what they did, how long they studied, what revision they did. I didn't want to monitor and police them as it only led to arguments. I left them to it - but they are very aware I have high standards. It also meant they had nothing to rebel against. They also like life's luxuries and I have pointed out on a couple of occasions that to get those they'll need good jobs. Having cut the arguments and left them to it they came out ok and did pretty well. Brave move but I was so pissed off with the arguments I put the ball in their court.

Just let him get on with it his way
If he fails all his exams , he’ll have to face the consequences

DS did hardly any revision ( according to him , he did loads , I thought he was on the PlayStation)

Then , annoyingly passed all his GCSES

He’ll have to learn the hard way that he needs to prepare for exams
( even worse , he’ll do really well and think he never needs to revise )

We had ours exams just after Easter, he was allowed to have the first week off as he was in need of a break and was reminded to study every day the next week. He hardly did any revision, it got me stressed but:

1. he generally had good study habits
2. teachers were happy with his work ethic
3. he had always had good results The next week he did work most evenings.

I would have liked him to do more but I figured that he had to face the consequences of poor marks, not me.

I would never have taken his tablet or games console off him for lack of study. To me, that's just setting him up to be angry and resentful and in no way motivational.

Oh, and nothing signals inadequacy more than demanding 'respect'. Why should anyone respect a petty bully?

I don't think you can micromanage to that extent with a teenager. Let him know if he wants help with a revision timetable/revision to ask. But apart from that I'd let him get on with it and then if he gets low marks it will give him the instrinsic motivation to improve his revision next time. It is important he learns that now if he is starting GCSEs next year.

I say to leave him be Op, he is only 14 . He needs time to unwind and have some independence and make his own decisions. Most Children pass and the more you pester him the less he is going to want to do it .

Bloody hell no wonder the undergrads at work are completely unable to function! Leave him to it. You could switch the internet off for certain periods of the day, but he’s 14 and is old enough to work out what to do and experience some failure.

OP @Notsureabouthis

How long is a session?

Bloody hell, it’s year 9 exams. What are GCSEs going to be like?

The way he’s behaved is out of order but I don’t understand why you’re setting such a high bar for him? Three revision sessions a day for year 9 is nuts.

Its his holiday OP, he is only 14, the more you force studying on him the more he will repel.

Thanks all. Appreciate you taking the time to reply. I’ve got him here and we’re out for dinner (pre planned). The PS4 is being put away for now, it’s caused too many rows in the house - it’s really the cause of most tension including with his siblings, revision or not.

Once he’s calmed down we will talk. I’m not a bully, I’m a real person with feelings, trying to do a difficult job so please remember that!

I genuinely don’t get why parents get so het up about GCSE’s. In a world where retirement is now 67, and will probably rise, why freak out so much about what they do at 16? Over 50 years pre retirement! My son had ASD and ended up in a special school due to severe bullying in mainstream. That school didn’t offer GCSE’s so he left school with no qualifications. He did an access course. Got into a very prestigious Uni. He’s done really well. Yes it was a couple of years behind his peers. So what? In the grand scheme of things it’s made no difference.

I firmly believe, and he has said this also, that if I had forced him to stay in mainstream to get his exams he would have left at 16 and never returned to education again. Ok that’s a different situation to OP, but someone’s life is not “over” if they don’t get great GCSE results! I don’t get all the angst over it.

Way too much intervention . He's yr 9 not GCSE or A level. He needs to do it himself..or fail and discover what happens when you don't revise!

He might be lucky if he is bright,, if he is average his results might kick him into touch.

But removing the PS4 entirely is basically starting war with him..he's a 14 yr old. By all means have the wifi off in the morning (or afternoon whatever suits his waking brain) but to confiscate it will just make for a very unpleasant teenager.

I went through this for 5 years on total (3 kids each a year apart) as they went ttho GCSEs. Two of them were bright, one sailed through with no work at all, one worked because she is conscientious, and sailed through, and Ds1 was lazy and resentful. I knew he could do well if he tried but he did the bare minimum... and scraped his GCSE passes.

But short of chaining him in his room I ' make him revise.. best I could do was to download past papers and ask him to do one a day. I worked..just and he compromised with that.

I think you need to pick your battles...

I can totally sympathise with you and will state that consoles are literally the work of the devil . I have 2 boys and they are totally addicted and it makes them so awful .
I have a son who in year 7 I sat down with him for his end of exams and talked through some revision strategies and timetable options . He wasn’t keen but he studied the required time . His console was downstairs so I knew he wasn’t on that .
In year 8 we had a talk pre exams and I started to talk about the timetable . He then said there was no point as I could put him
In his room as long as I wanted but he wasn’t going to study any more than he felt appropriate ( which frankly wasn't much as he is a boy and can absorb information purely by going to school ) and dropped tne bomb that he hadn’t studied the previous year .
His grades were just good enough to stop an intervention by the school but short of his predicted grades .
Year 9 I left him to it , same with year 10 , by this point he was studying a bit more but on his terms .
He is currently sitting his GCSE’s with no study timetable and doing what he feels is appropriate. It is so tough sitting by and watching him but school put a lot of pressure on and he needs to learn how to study . I would say he is probably at this point doing enough , he could probably get better grades but he doesn’t see the point .

So I’d leave your son a bit and see what happens if he is not fighting you .

It’s really tough and you will do your best , everyone will give you advice depending on their experience. I’d just say if what you are doing isn’t working try something else .

In a strange way I'm very grateful I had parents who weren't really bothered about my education, because it meant I could study in my own way. I would draw up stupid timetables (10 hours a day studying, etc) and 99.9% of the time would not stick to them, would end up playing on the computer after half an hour's study, going back and forth between study and play on my whim.

Still managed 8 A/A*s at GCSE, 4 As at A-Level, Russell Group university. If I'd had a parent standing over my shoulder, threatening to take away any means of diversion/relaxation, or demanding I did x hours solid study before I could play, I'd have gone potty and would not have got the results I did.

Flat out studying is no good and frazzles the brain, you need to let him have time with friends and the PS4 and not try to run his studying.

Oh and consoles are not the work of the devil! My DS with ASD had literally no friends. His confidence also took a severe bashing from the bullying. He was on track to be a hermit who lived with his mum all his life! But through the console he made friends. They told him about meet ups they were having. He warily decided to take the plunge and go along to one. The rest as they say, is history. He now has friends all over the world. He has travelled to many places around the world alone, to attend events. Something that at one time I never thought would be possible. It inspired him to get his education so he could move to his dream country. Now he’s there he’s making friends locally, again by attending gaming events. His confidence is through the roof. Without a console my DS would probably still be living at home, in a minimum wage job, if we were lucky! It opened up the world to him and made him see there was life beyond our small town filled with mean bullies.

OP. I’m glad your going to talk it through with your DS, and I hope you all enjoy your meal.