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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go arghhhhhhhhhh 🤬🤬🤬🤬

124 replies

Notsureabouthis · 27/05/2019 17:09

At my 14 year old!

He has his end of Year exams coming up. next week. Off on half term this week. He’s said he’ll do 3 sessions of studying a day, no more. Ok, that seemed all right but not brilliant.

He is just so argumentative! He wants to play Fortnite when he isn’t studying. Says he’ll play on the PS4 first thing then study after lunch. Every evening I’ve been making him write down exactly what and when (times) he’s going to work in the next day. But then he went out with friends instead this afternoon. We’ve now just had a big row as he was wanting me to help with his French oral prep this afternoon so I’ve been waiting to do that with him on my day off. His friends were out in the garden and he just came in and said I’m going on the PS4 now, I’ve hardly played today (which is untrue). I’ve just lost my temper with him and so he said he’d do some French revision but not with me!

Just really grrr at his entitled attitude. PS4 first, then mates then maybe a bit of work if I nag him!

Feel like chucking the PS4 out of the window. I know there will be WW3 if I remove it! He is very good at feeling hard done by.

Advice?! Solidarity? My older one was hard work but never this stroppy and disrespectful.

OP posts:

1moremum · 27/05/2019 17:38

3 study sessions a day and then doing whatever he wants the rest of the day sounds reasonable to me. Assuming he makes good grades in the first place. and assuming those study sessions are a good combination of time and method.

Cramming is a very bad way to learn anything, and any more time basically amounts to cramming. the brain can only handle so much input at a time, trying to do more is a waste of effort in the long run.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 27/05/2019 17:39

Not wanting to derail the thread but I'm pretty certain that his school aren't allowed to run end of year exams at the same time as GCSE's

Stifledlife · 27/05/2019 17:40

I reckon he’ll be a lawyer or a politician

He won't be if he doesn't do well in his exams. He'll be one of the ones staring at Clearing, hoping there is something..anything that he can get into.

The relatively little changes he makes to his attitude now will make a huge difference by the time he gets to GCSE and A level because every bit of knowledge safely stored is another thing you don't have to relearn, and can build on.

It will give him choices and choices are the difference between you controlling your life or your life controlling you.

Good luck..

ShawshanksRedemption · 27/05/2019 17:41

I'm of the impression you can't force anyone to revise. You can of course remove things like the PS4 but your DS could still just in a fit of temper, refuse. Or try and revise but be so full of resentment they don't take anything in.

I think you need him to work out why studying is important, and how it'll feel if he doesn't do well, and that its in his power to change the outcome. If his mates do better than him, will he feel "part of the group" still or left behind in some way? What if they go to Uni and he doesn't because he doesn't get into good habits now?

BarbedBloom · 27/05/2019 17:42

I was a strong willed child and I can honestly say removing the ps4 would not have worked for me at all. I would have sat there and not revised to spite you. Strong willed children can be very difficult. It worked better when my mum would let me earn things instead of taking them away e.g my favourite dinner if I did three hours of revision.

I think get him to work in the morning and then allow him to decompress in the afternoon for a certain amount of time spent how he chooses. Then maybe help him by testing him on what info he has retained in the evening. I always found that was a better way to see what I had remembered.

Ninjamilo · 27/05/2019 17:45

Honestly, you can’t make him revise. He either will or won’t.

I was that kid, I crammed everything in the night before, I was lucky though and did really well in my exams.

If my mum had tried to force me to revise, I would have done even less.

Youngandfree · 27/05/2019 17:49

I’m meaning this in the nicest possible way!!But why is he instructing you?? YOU are the parent!! Tell him the PS4 is gone and take it away until time that suits you!! He’s 14!! He shouldn’t be calling the shots!!

SoupDragon · 27/05/2019 17:49

How on earth do you make someone revise?

ReanimatedSGB · 27/05/2019 17:50

Oh, out come all the whiners and handwringers and computer-game haters. Leave him alone, OP. It's up to him. Bear in mind that a) Year 9 exams don't matter very much and b) there is no longer any real merit in the idea that if you 'work hard and pass your exams' you will have a good life.

Original poster

Notsureabouthis · 27/05/2019 17:51

PS4 has been removed and he’s now screaming in his room! He had just done an hour if French and said he’d do 4 sessions tomorrow as he missed one today. I feel a bit guilty but I think he needs to go cold turkey as everything revolves around it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Notsureabouthis · 27/05/2019 17:52

He has now stormed out of the house!

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 27/05/2019 17:53

Nope, OP. You just fucked up big time. Bullying and throwing your weight around is not going to make your DC pass his exams - all you have done is stress him out and upset him, which will make him more likely to fail.

Cornishclio · 27/05/2019 17:54

I don't think you can force a child to revise. I personally would limit the games console time and even take it away and just let him have it when exams are over. Ultimately though he has to want to do well and if he spends all his time pretending to you he is working when he isn't then that is useless. How can you be sure he is working even if he is sat at the laptop?

I agree that a better approach would be to talk to him to see what he wants to do after school and how a lack of qualifications due to not applying himself will impact on his ambitions. Impress on him that doing well at school will give him choices and doing badly may mean him being stuck in a dead end job on minimum wage. I am guessing the stroppy is maybe being down to 14 and hormones etc but I would not put up with disrespectful. He needs to learn that actions have consequences so rudeness means no pocket money, no games consoles and no going out regardless of whether he has issues with friendships or not.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/05/2019 17:54

I do agree that positive encouragement, and openness about why you believe it's important, will work best.

Defintely work first, play later. Procrastination is a powerful habit - and feeds itself.

Having things 'in the bag' keeps your options open and makes life so much easier and more relaxed. Pulling it out of the bag at the last minute can be exhilerating once or twice but, when you come to rely on it, because you've developed no other habits, becomes incredibly stressful and dissatisfying.

He won't keep those friends if they all do well and get to uni and he dosen't.

stayathomer · 27/05/2019 17:56

Nope, OP. You just fucked up big time. Bullying and throwing your weight around isnotgoing to make your DC pass his exams - all you have done is stress him out and upset him, which will make him more likely to fail.

Bit strong!!

lottiegarbanzo · 27/05/2019 17:56

I think my bag analogies are breaking down but hopefully you know what I meant.

hellooosweetheart · 27/05/2019 17:58

Throw the games console in the 🗑. He has no excuse then

herculepoirot2 · 27/05/2019 17:59

I hate it when people say their lazy, argumentative child will make a great lawyer/politician etc. No offence, OP, but not with this work ethic he won’t. Just tell him he revises or the PS4 gets locked away.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/05/2019 17:59

Not really. I see stupid posters all the time advising people to ramp up the level of unkindness to their DC as a way of enforcing obedience - and it never works. If you go down the punishment route and don't get compliance, the answer is never going to be: go even harder.

Cornishclio · 27/05/2019 17:59

I think removing the PS4 is right. He needs to learn that screaming in temper when he does not get his own way and storming out is not the way to behave. That is not bullying. It is your house and he follows the rules. If he passes his exams he will get a decent job and can buy his own house where he can play PS4 to his hearts content. You are the parent and last time I looked 14 was still a child. Just remain calm and if he behaves he earns privileges like his PS4 back for a limited time. Reward good behaviour and ignore the bad.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/05/2019 18:00

Can you 'work together' in the sense that you do some dull but necessary task while he revises, then you both have lunch together and congratulate yourselves? Then do something else for a bit. Then maybe a bit more later.

EugenesAxe · 27/05/2019 18:00

Wow - some brilliant advice on this thread Stifledlife and BarbedBloom to name two. I heard someone say that they let their child play on the console for every minute of work or instrument practice they do. Maybe try that?

I was shit at study as a child and my parents were lax about forcing me - if I'd had a good work ethic I definitely could have spared myself lots of effort later. Whenever I finally got stuck in I loved to study, and whenever I put it off and hit problems I'd ALWAYS think "Why didn't I start this earlier?!" (so I had time to sort out my barriers and get it done in time).

My inclination now, as I'm still a natural procrastinator and have to practice self-discipline to tackle jobs I don't really want to do, is always work first and play later. Impress on him he should just have a go, don't expect perfection - get started and something great will form out of the ether that is there when you're starting out not fully knowing where you're headed. Get him to talk to you and ask if he hits any stumbling blocks - problem shared etc; it was surprising how many tiny problems I had at uni that I felt were insurmountable, that when I faced became like mist in the wind.

As I've done this more throughout my life, I know how to manage my procrastination better. He will too if he starts practising, and seeing the results, now.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/05/2019 18:01

Think about it. If the OP sells the games console or gets rid of it some other way, what's she going to do if her DS decides that he's just going to draw a big cock on every exam paper rather than answering the questions, because he's so angry with her bullying ways - where has she got left to go? Beat him up? Throw him out of the house?

Asta19 · 27/05/2019 18:01

I don’t think it’s ever good to turn things into a war. Which is now what this has become. His motivation for studying is going to be zero now. OPs stress is just going to go up. There’s no winners here! OP when he comes back, sit down and have a proper talk with him. Come up with a compromise you can both live with. A lot on MN like to encourage the “hard line” but that can go horribly wrong. Is it not better to talk things out like adults and reach an agreement? I think that’s a better lesson for kids than being a dictator.

Passtherioja · 27/05/2019 18:03

Is there another parent in the house supporting you with these decisions or is it just down to you?

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