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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming

85 replies

SarahDear · 27/05/2019 15:45

Very upset with a parent who is parent of dc’s friend. EVERY time we have a playdate with this parent they always feel the need to instruct my little one. Don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t try this, don’t try that. It’s pissing me off as I am sitting with in earshot and if there’s ever an issue with dc, it should be conveyed to me to handle myself!
The other day dc told me that this parent ‘told them off’ for not sharing adequately enough with their child. Yes ok dc is wrong here BUT parent should tell me directly so I can deal with dc myself. Hate for others to tell off dc if I am also present party and can deal with situation. It’s now affecting our friendship. I don’t want to meet with them anymore. I want to say something but worried it will cause a huge row and everyone up in arms.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 27/05/2019 15:46

It takes a village and all that.

I think it’s quite useful for children to learn to process and follow instructions from other adults.

FleurNancy · 27/05/2019 15:48

YANU to be "fuming", bit of an overreaction surely. Just don't have any more play dates, simple.

Original poster
SarahDear · 27/05/2019 15:51

I say fuming because it’s been incessant with each play date and it grinds my gears. It’s all assuming that their opinion of what is/isn’t acceptable should be universal.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 27/05/2019 15:53

Perhaps you should be paying more attention then....

Fatted · 27/05/2019 15:53

If you don't like it, don't have play dates with them.

But I personally don't have an issue with another adult speaking to my children about their behaviour. It's good for them to learn there's different rules in different houses and you respect the rules of the people you're visiting.

If you're in earshot, why aren't you dealing with your DCs behaviour before they have to intervene?

cake778 · 27/05/2019 15:54

I think it's the way that it's handled. A very close friend I wouldn't mind but anyone else it needs to be under the sphere of 'children, let's remember to share' - directed at everyone and kindly. I've ended a friendship as friend kept on telling my DS off based on what her DC was saying....

freshstartnewme · 27/05/2019 15:54

If they are constantly having to intervene with your child the question you should be asking yourself is WHY?

whatswithtodaytoday · 27/05/2019 15:55

I'd be quite happy for other responsible adults to discipline my child if necessary. Why aren't you staying close enough to do it yourself?

3boysandabump · 27/05/2019 15:56

Everyone I know would be fine with either correcting another child's behaviour/having their child's behaviour corrected.

If you don't like it don't have play dates

whiskeysourpuss · 27/05/2019 15:57

But do you tell DC off? The fact that you're sitting within earshot suggests that (to your friends mind) you aren't dealing with whatever it is quick enough if at all.

I had a friend who wouldn't tell her children off in others houses or her own - they literally ran riot, in & out of rooms/cupboards/drawers, taking biscuits/sweets/drinks without asking, dropping wrappers/crumbs etc basically leaving a trail of destruction behind them - all the while she'd be chatting away completely oblivious to them.

Whilst I'm not suggesting that your DC is like this if you are in the friends home then their opinion on what is/isn't acceptable should be used as the yardstick for the play date - if you don't like that don't go there.

cake778 · 27/05/2019 15:58

OP, is she the same with her child? If so I wouldn't mind. In my situation it was literally someone just picking on my child and was ghastly to watch. We never went back.

If it was the same for both children, I'd be grateful they were helping me out!

Vulpine · 27/05/2019 15:59

She sounds really annoying.

Original poster
SarahDear · 27/05/2019 16:00

To individuals who are questioning why they have to ‘intervene’, it’s because to them the behaviour is an issue whereas I think are perfectly ok things for dc to do (giggling loudly or standing up on a swing).

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 27/05/2019 16:00

A very close friend I wouldn't mind but anyone else it needs to be under the sphere of 'children, let's remember to share' - directed at everyone and kindly

Why does the reprimand need to be directed at everyone rather than the child displaying the poor behaviour?

Original poster
SarahDear · 27/05/2019 16:04

Whiskeysourpuss absolutely do tell dc off where I believe they’ve crossed a line. Would never allow them to run riot in someone’s house like that. I discipline whenever I believe it to be necessary and am fair about it.

OP posts:
CielBleuEtNuages · 27/05/2019 16:05

Ah, so you have a difference in parenting style.

I have this problem with family. I have no problem with my DC play wrestling together (almost never ends in tears), jumping on my sofa (they know not to jump on anyone else's) or laughing and joking loudly. If it gets too loud I will tell them and they quieten down.

Others in my family disagree and tell my DC off for jumping on my sofa Hmm .

Ditto in the park. As long as they have got onto a climbing frame themselves, I don't mind them playing on it. Family member is permanently hovering and telling them to watch out and that it's too dangerous for them. Cos they're afraid of other DC in the family copying...

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2019 16:05

Honestly? I'd cool this friendship.

Your last post just suggests that you're actually quite different people. You could say something, but eventually you will get permanently narked with the opinions of someone who seems more nitpicky, less laid back, and happy to steamroller a bit. They sound irritating as well as interfering in general.

Stop the playdates.

MiddleClassProblem · 27/05/2019 16:06

And not sharing which you admit your dc was in the wrong for but still didn’t intervene.

It’s fine to be a bit more relaxed but if you know your DC isn’t behaving nicely that’s when you step in. I think you know that anyway and I’m sure your DC is not too badly behaved otherwise they wouldn’t keep seeing you. It sounds like your friend is over cautious and you’re very relaxed. You could probably do with taking on a bit of each other’s habits.

Sashkin · 27/05/2019 16:08

How old are your DCs?

If they are 2, then to be honest two year olds don't really play nicely together without constant supervision/correction. As long as both of them are being told off for the same stuff and it's being done nicely, I wouldn't mind. DC are sometimes far worse behaved than their friends in certain situations - DS2 is fine with sharing at nursery but intensely possessive of his own toys, so he does need to be told to share pretty much constantly on playdates, whereas his friends don't.

If they are 8, or if it is just your DC getting told off while their DC sits there smugly doing the same thing, then don't go back for playdates.

cake778 · 27/05/2019 16:08

@JacquesHammer Unless you are watching intently it's also hard to tell 'who did what' (with young children). I mean more like 'hey let's all remember kind hands' not 'you both stop hitting this instant'.

Reachbackforthechair · 27/05/2019 16:08

I think it’s quite useful for children to learn to process and follow instructions from other adults

I agree with this. Too many kids nowadays appear to have the attitude of ‘you’re not my parent, you can’t tell me what to do’. Means they can get away with being little devils as long as their parents aren’t around.

And of course, a lot of parents refuse to tell off their little darlings even when they’re being a nuisance. Or when teachers report bad behaviour, the parents refuse to believe it and prefer to take the side of their DC.

It is important for children to take instruction from other adults- parents cannot and should not be the only source of authority for children

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2019 16:10

Ok, well telling them off for not sharing you agree your child was doing. Why didn't you step in?

Standing up on a swing is dangerous, and of course makes it dirty for other kids, why didn't you step in?

The giggling loudly sounds odd. What was the context?

The other two, then why were you not dealing with it first?

Original poster
SarahDear · 27/05/2019 16:10

Fatted because if I felt it were something that needed disciplinary action I would dole it out. But always ends up being something very innocent and normal.

When I do witness dc being out of order I swoop in quickly and handle it immediately and firmly. Fewer times may be engaged in conversation or facing away and scene has played out behind me. Then I think parent should tell me ‘hi your dc is doing such and such thing can you handle it’ rather than feeling it’s their place.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 27/05/2019 16:11

If they are correcting stuff you are OK with, then just pick them up on it every time 'no it's fine 'annoying parent' DC is allowed to stand up on the swing ' or 'It's Ok - I'm fine with that behavior don't worry I'll him if he's doing something wrong'

Just as long as you do pick him up onstuff that everyone would find unacceptable - but if it is just small differences in parenting approach then let her know you will be making the decisions - she can tell her child not to do it if she wants to, but not yours.

I suspect it is habit - see and hear some parents when I am out and about and it is just one long stream of negatives - don't do this, don;t do that, don.t touch that, don't run, don't walk, don't sing, don't talk because I'm on my phone etc etc. If all you ever say is 'don't...' you forget how to actually enjoy your child's play.

ZoeWashburne · 27/05/2019 16:11

Ugh you sound like one of those parents that let their kids run riot.

Maybe have a think why other parents need to step in and instruct your child...

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