To be fuming

[SarahDear]

Very upset with a parent who is parent of dc’s friend. EVERY time we have a playdate with this parent they always feel the need to instruct my little one. Don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t try this, don’t try that. It’s pissing me off as I am sitting with in earshot and if there’s ever an issue with dc, it should be conveyed to me to handle myself!
The other day dc told me that this parent ‘told them off’ for not sharing adequately enough with their child. Yes ok dc is wrong here BUT parent should tell me directly so I can deal with dc myself. Hate for others to tell off dc if I am also present party and can deal with situation. It’s now affecting our friendship. I don’t want to meet with them anymore. I want to say something but worried it will cause a huge row and everyone up in arms.

I think it's more likely that you aren't dealing with behaviour that is a problem and as you don't step in other people are doing it for you. Likely what will happen is either:

you will start doing the necessary before other people need to do it

Or: the other parent will quickly bin you off and you will gravitate towards a set of people who tolerate the same kinds of behaviour you do. It's kind of a wake up call when someone else does your parenting. Or it should be!

Surely it will be more annoying to constantly have another parent saying 'Excuse me, Johnny isnt sharing fairly, can you deal with this please?'
'Johnny is poking my child, can you deal with this please?'
'Johnny is standing on the swing and if he falls he will hurt himself, can you deal with that please?'
That would do my head in!!

Barbie222 no I do step in most of the time when I see fit. Not when it’s something harmless or arbitrary.

Not when it’s something harmless or arbitrary

Don’t you accept as a parent you’re going to have different “rules” from other parents, it’s all subjective isn’t it?

JacquesHammer but this isn’t a set of rules for a house. It’s a public space. Why should they feel that they can order my child around in accordance to what they prefer or like?

You mentioned sharing. Isn’t sharing desirous behaviour in a public place?

The thing is, it’s perfectly ok to have different parenting styles. It might make you incompatible as friends, and you wouldn’t be unreasonable to stop having playdates.

You would, however, be unreasonable to tell her that you’re doing so because her behaviour is wrong.

Why does it annoy you so much OP? Do you feel undermined in some way?

You have different values, you need to accept that for your DCs sake in having the playdates, or move on if it's annoying you too much and you can't just practice some tolerance of slightly different parenting styles.

[Standing on a swing can be unreasonable if the child looks like they'll fall, or the shoes are muddy thus leaving the swing unusable for anyone else that wants to sit on it. It's about the context as to why she thinks standing on it isn't OK.]

How old is your child? Or have I missed this response?

your example of standing on a swing - if it was being done in a dangerous way then I would be grateful as by the time they had asked you they could have had an accident . giggling? not sure anyone would discipline that ? sounds like two completely situations ?

Welcome to MN SarahDear.

My goodness what a lot of responses you've generated for a first post. That's probably down to your attention grabbing title and abrasive, one might even say goady, posting style.

Don't worry I'm sure everything will work out for your son/daughter of indeterminate age on future playdates in this undefined place with this man/woman and their son/daughter.

I hate these threads! OP won’t listen to anyone, gives half answers, then responds to one poster agreeing with her telling said poster that he/she is the only “sane” one.

Yes. Quite.

@donquixotedelamancha

I frequently tell other people's children off 🤷‍♀️ I'd be happy for other people to do the same to mine if they were doing something bad, in fact I'd be more annoyed if they got away with rudeness or nastiness just because I wasn't on hand, much harder to deal with later than in the moment.

It’s Mumsnet OP...all children from the age of 6 Months MUST share without being told to, have perfect table manners, sleep on command and if they don’t it’s perfectly acceptable for other people to march up to them and give them a bollocking, probably give them a smack for good measure as it doesn’t do any harm and children need to to be threatened into submission. Standing on swings?! Giggling?! How very dare they! If you don’t like the interfering don’t have the play dates. Depending on the age of your child, they probably won’t even notice they’re not playing with them.

As PP's have pointed out sharing should be expected irrespective of where you are.

The swing thing (IMO) on the swing set in your back garden have it with the standing but in a public park it's basic good manners to use the play equipment in a way which leaves it suitable for use by the next child to come along & that means no dirty feet on the swings so that the next child doesn't get a dirty bottom.

The giggling as @Bluntness100 suggested depends on the context... there's a difference between giggling & the high pitched screaming that some kids do as soon as they get outside... DS likes to laugh/giggle hysterically for no apparent reason & it's fucking annoying when you're trying to have a conversation having him squawking like a banshee in the background - but he's told to wrap it (in a nicer turn of phrase) as no one wants to listen to that however the friend I mentioned previously seemed to just not hear her DD doing the same thing whilst said child was using mum as a climbing frame.

We're no longer friends by the way because I got fed up of saying to DS "yes I know Flossie is allowed to (insert annoying as fuck/outright bad behaviour here) but that's up to her mummy, I'm your mummy & I don't want you to behave like that".

Calm down Lola.youre straying into batshit there.🤣

Sharing is one thing or if it directly impacts on her dd or is dangerous she should say. Better to you though if she's standing with you.

I've been pleased when someone said to 'take turns' to my toddler and friends. We'd been doing so but a new voice made it more serious!

But some things are different parenting styles: out with friend a, our toddlers playing around the adventure circuit as we watch. Friend b hovers over her child (fair enough to as he is smaller and less robust), she visibly tenses as the other toddlers crawl up unaided rather then hold our hands. Now friend b would never say 'you shouldn't do that without mummy/wait for mummy' but some mums have said it because of how their dc would be alone. There's nothing wrong either way, it's led by the child.

When the park is full, there's less said and a real mix of styles. My dc is robust and wants to do alone right now, i watch but dont hover if it's kids their age there. With my new dc i may need too, depending on how they are. I hovered with dn.

OP won’t listen to anyone, gives half answers, then responds to one poster agreeing with her telling said poster that he/she is the only “sane” one

Drives you mad, doesn't it?

Op still hasn't said how old children are.

@hobnobsaremyfave. I'm glad someone got it.

Op still hasn't said how old children are.

I don't think that's a big issue...why you could almost make up your own ages and it would make no difference.

To be fair OP you said yourself Yes ok dc is wrong here so why didn't you step in before your friend did? If you could see something was wrong why were you waiting for your friend to tell you about it?

To be honest I'd feel a bit embarrassed if my DD was behaving so badly other people felt the need to step in because I hadn't.

How do you manage when your DC are at school and misbehave. Do you expect the teachers to phone you up and tell you about it or just deal with it as it happens?

If a child was misbehaving I'd tell them to stop and deal with it there and then I wouldn't tell their parent and make a big thing out of it, it's just unnecessary. I would 100% expect other people to do the same with my DD too.

OP, is she telling your child off for things that she lets her own child get away with it? If yes, then that’s bullying behaviour and you need to endure your DC is not exposed to her anymore.

To be fair OP you said yourself Yes ok dc is wrong here so why didn't you step in before your friend did?

Maybe OP was happy to let her child play with his/her own toy a bit longer?