To be fuming

[SarahDear]

Very upset with a parent who is parent of dc’s friend. EVERY time we have a playdate with this parent they always feel the need to instruct my little one. Don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t try this, don’t try that. It’s pissing me off as I am sitting with in earshot and if there’s ever an issue with dc, it should be conveyed to me to handle myself!
The other day dc told me that this parent ‘told them off’ for not sharing adequately enough with their child. Yes ok dc is wrong here BUT parent should tell me directly so I can deal with dc myself. Hate for others to tell off dc if I am also present party and can deal with situation. It’s now affecting our friendship. I don’t want to meet with them anymore. I want to say something but worried it will cause a huge row and everyone up in arms.

I had a friend who said to me “I won’t have anyone telling my child off”. This was in response to me saying “erm Michael, don’t kick John in the back please”
If her offspring hadn’t been acting like that or if she had been watching him and telling him not to do it herself I wouldn’t have had to say anything.
Giggling loudly I wouldnt say anything, standing on a swing-depends how old, how coordinated they are and if I felt it was likely to result in a split lip or head injury I suppose.

How old is your child op? You say you swoop in if they need disciplined but sounds to me like you might be that parent who thinks their little one can do no wrong and doesn't step in.

I am quite happy for others to tell my DC off, in fact I would encourage it. I can't be everywhere and even if I am close I might not have noticed.

I really hate the modern, you speak to me not my child attitude. When DC1 was four, they were playing with their younger sister who was two at the time. Another child joined in and ended up dragging my two year old across the playground on her knees. Not a big deal, he was four and probably hadn't realised he was hurting her. I called across to him to be careful, only for his mum to storm across the playground and shout at me for talking to her son and not her. She had been talking to her friend and not watching what was going on, and by the time I would have got to her to explain DC2 could have been hurt.

That didn't stop me talking to the family or inviting the child to things, the incident that stopped me inviting the child was when my DC1 was running around the playground and running into people while waiting for the bell. DM was looking after him that day and is a retired strict teacher who stopped him and told him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour was inappropriate. The other child was doing the same charging around the playground and while DM never spoke to him he heard what she said. The next day I had the mum verbally attack me on the street for DM telling my DC off in her child's ear shot. She shouted at me for over 30 minutes. I never put myself in the position that I would every be responsible for him, never invited him to my house, parties or anything as while he was a lovely child it wasn't worth getting shouted and screamed at in the street.

If you aren’t there and watching what’s going on then I can see why someone else might correct your child’s behaviour. If I see them snatch a toy, I would immediately tell them about sharing. By the time I have come to get you to explain the situation so you can go deal with it a lot of time has elapsed as they correction then isn’t very timely and effective, plus the other child has time to get upset the toy is snatched. Things like correcting loud giggling is batshit unless it is during a speech at a wedding or something. I hate nothing more than having to correct another child’s behaviour and much prefer it if their parent is paying attention and does it themselves. I have no problem with someone else correcting mine in similar circumstances.

If you are both there and she is correcting your child because you aren’t, then you need to have a chat with her about it. If you don’t have the same standards, it isn’t acceptable for her to chastise your child (unless it is directly related to her like jumping on her sofa or whatever). It might be that you just have incompatible parenting styles and then it’s prob easier to just stop the play dates.

You step in when needed but you didn't when it came to sharing that you admit your child needed telling, that is a contradiction there.

You want to turn it into a big deal having them come and explain it to you, so you can go and ‘deal with it’, rather than say “Johnny, you have to take turns”?

I’d cool the friendship. You’re very different!

I'm a bit confused how you're on a play date but this mum is obviously playing closer or with kids and your not near by?
I take it then she's supervising and your on your phone or something?
I'm quite happy my child being reprimanded by anyone as long as it's done fairly and maturely and in a way a teacher would do it. Eg I wouldn't be impressed if some mom shouted like some Chav at my son for being a bit boisterous in play area but if she just calmy said hia darling there's smaller children about so can you be a little bit more careful for them. No issues there.

Bluntness100 you must of course have eyes in the back of your head.
Secondly giggling loudly for a young child is incorrect is it? Should they be silent? Not express their merriment too loudly? Give me a break. Said swing is a swing that 80% of children would stand on. Fine by me. Sharing issue happened behind me and other parent was facing them. You couldn’t hear it but this parent saw something and went over. Dc told me later that she was told off when parent could have had the decency to point it out to me.

I also don't understand why it has to be "conveyed to you". Why did your child have to tell you they got into trouble for not sharing? Are you not there on the play date? Are you saying you expect your child to go to peoples houses, mis behave, the parent can't do anything and needs to wait to tell you at the end?

MrsHormonal2019 no I’m not on my phone.

If you insist on having play dates with this child then you have to stay closer & intervene.

How old are the children, maybe avoid future playdates with that child.

Typical MN with the automatic assumption that the the OP is a lax parent rather than the other mother being a meddling over-parenter.

Does no one ever have their child out of their sight, turn around or pop to the loo, she can't be watching every single second

You couldn’t hear it but this parent saw something and went over. Dc told me later that she was told off when parent could have had the decency to point it out to me

Which makes it into a much bigger situation rather than a quick “don’t forget to share x”.

Bluntness100 Who said it’s someones house? You’re taking keen interest and its probably because you take liberties with other people’s children and are a nightmare helicoptering individual.

Actually I skied the context of the giggling loudly. That's all. I think you either struggle with reading comprehension or you're in a tizz and lashing out,

Anyways, you're determined you're right. Stop thr play dates. Find someone who has the same parenting style as you. Hopefully for your child you can find one.

Coconuttelegraph thank you! Someone who seems sane.

You’re taking keen interest and its probably because you take liberties with other people’s children and are a nightmare helicoptering individual

Yes yes that's me. 🤣🤣🤣

I haven't seen a reply to why you are having play dates with this mum? It doesn't sound like you get on.

Bluntness100 no you were being judgmental from the off and I could see straight through it

Starlight456 have continued with them because dc is friends with their child. Didn’t want to cut off. Had hoped they would see that I’m uncomfortable with it.

you need to pick them up on it, as someone said above. or open an actual conversation with them about different parenting styles and what the two of you can do so everyone is comfortable. razzle dazzle her with parenting book lingo or talk like a normal person when you point out that you don't mind this or that activity that seems to distress her, that you want your child to take risks and make mistakes etc. While it is healthy for your kids to experience helicopter style parenting different ways from other people like her, it is equally good for her kids to experience different ways when they are around you. either a balance between the two needs to be found, or she needs to stop imposing relax and let you parent yours while she parents hers.

Then she can be the one fuming because, no matter how pleasant the discussion, she likely will perceive it as having been told off by that lazy, neglectful SarahDear. Whether she will fume hard enough to end the whole set of relationships remains to be seen.

I don't think I know any mums in real life yet who have an issue with another mum sorting out a DC sharing dispute, I can't get my head around why you should be involved? If the other adult was shouting or in some other way inappropriately harsh that would be an issue, but as long as they speak in an age appropriate manner the kids should learn to accept the correction.

I don't think you should have the play dates any more, you clearly don't get along and I've no idea why you're asking AIBU instead of just chatting with your supposed friend. None of us can answer about who is unreasonable with the giggling nor the swing because we didn't see it, you have to trust the adult looking after the kids at the time to set the rules and should have asked why she was concerned. It might be that you have to look after your own kid instead of hanging out nearby, or teach your kid that some playground rules might vary between adults but they should still do what they're told.

I hate these threads!

OP won’t listen to anyone, gives half answers, then responds to one poster agreeing with her telling said poster that he/she is the only “sane” one.

Do the other parent and child a massive favour and bin them off