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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should get up with baby?

86 replies

sleepymcsleeperson · 27/05/2019 05:52

It’s 5.15 and the baby (11 months) is wide awake and ready to party. I’ve tried for 30 mins to get back to sleep. DH is away this evening all week for work and then on a long weekend for a stag do. I do 100% childcare during the week and about 70% at the weekend, but my argument here is I’m about to have a 2 week stretch without a break and he’s going to sleep in a hotel bed alone and go on holiday. His argument is that he is travelling to the US and they are night flights so he will have to sleep on a plane etc too (but he can sleep absolutely anywhere so I think this is fine and doesn’t discount his holiday).

Who should get up with baby? (He has now done so after much grumbling and I of course can now not get back to sleep anyway as it took so long to convince him but would like to discuss with him later as he is annoyed about having to get up and thinks it’s unfair)

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 27/05/2019 05:55

In the circumstances you describe, him.

To be honest any parent who grumbles about getting up, especially when it's not usually them, is a bit of a twat.

Hope you can get back to sleep OP!

Flyingkites123 · 27/05/2019 05:58

He should get up with the baby. Imagine he hasn't done much time one to one with the baby. If he had, this would be a no brainer for him. You need a break.

SinkGirl · 27/05/2019 06:01

Who should do it? Him. Does that mean all men in that sort of situation do it? Nope. YANBU.

sashh · 27/05/2019 06:10

A baby has two parents, being a parent is a full time job. Of course he should get up.

Beldon · 27/05/2019 07:27

He should absolutely get up - but I would have arranged it the night before rather than have the argument in the morning. If I were you I’d book a long weekend in a hotel when he gets home and have a restful weekend of uninterrupted sleep Smile

Original poster
sleepymcsleeperson · 27/05/2019 07:41

but I would have arranged it the night before

Lol what do you mean? How can you arrange that someone will wake up when you don’t know the baby will wake up so early? Usually he gets up at 6.30am and we all just get up together.

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 27/05/2019 07:48

Lol what do you mean? How can you arrange that someone will wake up when you don’t know the baby will wake up so early?

That's very telling about the dynamics of your relationship.

Night before:

Me: I'm shattered, if the wee one is up early could you get up so I can catch up on sleep?

DP: of course.

Arranged the night before.

Mummyshark2018 · 27/05/2019 07:58

He should get up but agree that sort it out the night before . At weekends dh and I take it in turns so one of us gets a lie in one morning.

BinkyBaa · 27/05/2019 07:59

OP said the baby usually sleeps through the night @InTheHeatofLisbon

I don't know about you but I'm not in the habit of making plans every night for something that doesn't usually happen personally.

Original poster
sleepymcsleeperson · 27/05/2019 08:00

Usually we just both get up as he sleeps in bed with us so when he wakes up he hits us in the face 😆 and then we all do family cuddles in bed etc so it’s fine. But pre 6am is to much/rare.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepymcsleeperson · 27/05/2019 08:01

don't know about you but I'm not in the habit of making plans every night for something that doesn't usually happen personally.

Exactly

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 27/05/2019 08:03

I don't know about you but I'm not in the habit of making plans every night for something that doesn't usually happen personally

OP asked how it was possible to plan it the night before. My answer explained how. Not rocket science really is it?

OP, if he won't get up, make him get up. As long as he is allowed to check out of being a father or a grown up, he will.

Many times I said to DP when our babies were small, I'm knackered, if they're up could you get up. Sometimes they got up, sometimes they didn't.

But aye, let's all pretend that this situation is normal eh?

flumpybear · 27/05/2019 08:04

Albeit not ideal, I would always get up with our children and let my DH sleep (he's AWFUL if she's not had enough sleep -24 years together I'm fully aware of this fact)! However I'd go back to bed around 10am for a couple of hours and he'd take the children swimming or to the park etc to give me peace (it didn't always work this perfectly!) but we muddled through

Rather than argue, find a pathway that you can both live with and stick to it

Littlecaf · 27/05/2019 08:05

DP and I have had this tussle for 4 years. It’s 90% me who gets up, especially in the middle of night. Sigh. I’d start arranging as previous posters have suggested.

NauseousMum · 27/05/2019 08:06

He should, lazy git. He's getting weeks of sleeping in and undisturbed.

Original poster
sleepymcsleeperson · 27/05/2019 08:11

The problem is i have had this discussion with him SO MANY TIMES! Eg on holiday when I was up all night with baby and he slept and it was 5am and I was like please take him and he wouldn’t. And then I explain clearly why that wasn’t acceptable (after he has managed to sleep...) and he apologises and says he will help next time. And then doesn’t! In the 300 odd nights of DS’ existence he has done about 5/6 night helps (can’t do it all due to breastfeeding, fair enough).

It doesn’t help that 1) he can deal very well with little sleep and I can’t at all and 2) DS was in hospital this week and actually I ended up with extremely little sleep/a shitloads of cluster feeding like he was a newborn due to that too.

OP posts:
QuickQuestion2019 · 27/05/2019 08:16

I'm sorry your DH is such a selfish arse. Has he always been like this or has he started treating you like a domestic appliance only since your baby arrives?

InTheHeatofLisbon · 27/05/2019 08:18

When he doesn't listen or rather completely ignores you and your need for him to step up and do his share, what happens?

There needs to be consequences of his shitty behaviour which impact him. Because right now it's impacting you which clearly isn't bothering him.

Original poster
sleepymcsleeperson · 27/05/2019 09:02

He is one of those people who just doesn’t care about the consequences for his actions. Even if he knows I would argue with him later or be very annoyed he would still rather have the extra hour of sleep and then deal with that later. He’s generally an extremely kind and supportive, loving husband but has this childish selfishness to him and doesn’t understand that yes I am a SAHM so this is my “job” but that also sometimes I need assistance. I was so severely sleep deprived last week after he refused to help me after DS came out of hospital that I administered DS a dose of ibuprofen when it was calpol due as I misread the list. The level of guilt was enormous and I tried to explain to DH how high the stakes are for me when I am not sleeping enough and make mistakes.

OP posts:
budgiegirl · 27/05/2019 09:12

doesn’t understand that yes I am a SAHM so this is my “job” but that also sometimes I need assistance

This is your ‘job’ during the time your DH is at work. When your DH is at home, it should be 50/50.

Beldon · 27/05/2019 09:16

Sorry, it was meant to be an argumentative comment it just something we always did with my children. Husband in forces so away a lot. Both generally slept well by about 4 months and 6 months but we would have it arranged that he would get up with them whatever time that may be. If it was normal time it just let me have relaxing morning shower etc.

Wellthatwastricky · 27/05/2019 09:37

Being a SAHM does not mean childcare is your responsibility 24/7 and he gets to switch off when he gets in from work. That is a bloody dangerous attitude and not a good basis for an equal partnership. You are a parent with equal responsibility regardless of work out of the home or your sex.

The fact he is willing to piss you off to gratify his own needs and allow you to struggle makes him more than "childish". He is saying he values himself more than you and his child.

I'd also suggest stopping all getting up at the same time business if you don't need to. DH and I alternate weekend lie ins if we have nothing pressing to do. For starters, it's would give you DH some much needed sole responsibility for the child. Yes, it's a bugger for the one who's up and it can restrict what we get done on the weekend, but it's helped us survive some extensive periods of chronic sleep deprivation. My DH is a heavy sleeper, so we always pre-agree when it's his turn to get up (which he gladly does).

Damntheman · 27/05/2019 09:46

What a selfish prick! Of course he should.

Praiseyou · 27/05/2019 09:49

Definitely arrange the night before! Every weekend, we agree the night before who's going to get up.

It's so much easier to get up if you know going to bed that you will be the first one up. A sleepy argument over who's getting up is a terrible start to the day.

If dc sleeps to normal time and you all get up together, well and good. If not, one of you gets a lie-in with minimal fuss.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/05/2019 09:52

Hi OP

Seems like you have got wider issues reading your updates

What kind of prick wont get up one measly hour early with his son when the mum has been in hospital with him and got no sleep all week?

I think you need to have a talk about standards of behaviour and splits in roles. Not at 5am though