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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who should get up with baby?

86 replies

sleepymcsleeperson · 27/05/2019 05:52

It’s 5.15 and the baby (11 months) is wide awake and ready to party. I’ve tried for 30 mins to get back to sleep. DH is away this evening all week for work and then on a long weekend for a stag do. I do 100% childcare during the week and about 70% at the weekend, but my argument here is I’m about to have a 2 week stretch without a break and he’s going to sleep in a hotel bed alone and go on holiday. His argument is that he is travelling to the US and they are night flights so he will have to sleep on a plane etc too (but he can sleep absolutely anywhere so I think this is fine and doesn’t discount his holiday).

Who should get up with baby? (He has now done so after much grumbling and I of course can now not get back to sleep anyway as it took so long to convince him but would like to discuss with him later as he is annoyed about having to get up and thinks it’s unfair)

OP posts:

Aprillygirl · 27/05/2019 09:56

He should have got up willingly with his child,especially considering he won't be seeing him for a two weeks after today. What a selfish sod!

PotolBabu · 27/05/2019 10:01

I don’t get it. MN is full of this shite. Kind supportive loving husbands whose wives need to beg them to look after their babies? Whose wives are exhausted but they won’t help. Who are childish ‘man babies’ but oh, ‘they are wonderful fathers.’ No, bollocks to that. They are not.
I tell you what DH did the last time DS2 was sick and in hospital. Worked all day, stayed in hospital overnight so he could monitor him (DH is a medic and works looong hours but was a bit concerned that DS2 wasn’t getting great overnight care because they weren’t taking me as seriously as they take him). No questions asked.

This is what DH does. We have two kids. Wakes up. Makes breakfast. Gets them ready while I have a shower. Drops one to school. Batch cooks on weekends. Does all the housework he needs to chip in with. Does all the bins and DIY and the garden. He was away for 3 long weeks on work. Came back hideously jet lagged and without having to be asked woke up at 6:30 am with the kids the next day because as he put it ‘you need a break!’ He’s had the kids solo when I have travelled without needing pages of instruction.

When I was on mat leave he tried to make sure he did as many bedtimes as possible, and was there 100% all weekend. And I breastfed both kids but he would do the 7-11/12 shift and give some expressed milk and settle both boys of needed so I could get a decent chunk of sleep.

He’s just their parent. Like I am. That’s why he did it. It doesn’t make him a bloody saint. And I am still the default parent and remember the WBD costume, and the extra packed lunch for a school trip, and the fact that DS1’s uniform is rapidly outgrowing him. BUT I just don’t understand why so so so many MNers let a situation develop where their husbands become so selfish and infantile about childcare.

Grumpos · 27/05/2019 10:01

You’ve got bigger problems than a ‘D’H who doesn’t want to do the occasional night / early wake.
Your post makes me feel sad and angry and sick. Couldn’t imagine being tied to someone who can’t adult without instruction and even with instruction will be vindictive and mean spirited towards you. Honestly this is meant to be the person who loves you the most in your life as an adult. Sorry but you’ve chosen a duff (or he’s become a duff).

QuickQuestion2019 · 27/05/2019 10:19

Jesus OP. He is NOT kind and supportive. Pls tell me you are returning to work soon and not becoming his stay at home maid...

InTheHeatofLisbon · 27/05/2019 10:21

PotolBabu your DH sounds like my DP.

You're right, it doesn't make them saints, it makes them decent husband/partners and fathers. We're a team, in every sense. I genuinely can't see the point of investing time, effort, energy and years of my life in a relationship that isn't equal.

RussianSpamBot · 27/05/2019 10:23

Him.

Original poster

sleepymcsleeperson · 27/05/2019 10:26

I have read the post and comments to DH and he wants me to point out to everyone that he works very long hours in finance and I live a lovely life because of that.

OP posts:

QuickQuestion2019 · 27/05/2019 10:27

So he does want you to be financially dependent on him?

Wellthatwastricky · 27/05/2019 10:30

Aaaaah he's one of those. Whoop de fucking do. My DH works long hours as a business consultant for a large multi-national, has a chronic health condition, pays for a cleaner and STILL gives a shit about me and looking after his kids.

So he's sees you as his paid for hired help / nanny / lover or his equal?

Wellthatwastricky · 27/05/2019 10:32

And if chronic sleep deprivation and soul destroying exhaustion and 24 hour responsibility for a small demanding human is such a wonderful life, why has he chosen a nice high flying career instead?

Damntheman · 27/05/2019 10:33

Oh I see. He's an entitled wanker instead of just a thoughtless twat.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 27/05/2019 10:35

I have read the post and comments to DH and he wants me to point out to everyone that he works very long hours in finance and I live a lovely life because of that.

What does he want? A pat on the fucking head? DP and I both work long hours. Until recently I was a long term SAHP. If he had EVER taken that attitude with me when I was a SAHP, we wouldn't be together.

Seriously OP, you think that's ok? For him to treat you this way and then pull the "little woman" card when challenged. Jesus Christ he's done a number on you hasn't he?

He's a father, somebody ought to tell him what that actually involves. Because as of now he's just a knob with a god complex because he's got a job.

TheDailyCarbuncle · 27/05/2019 10:41

How is having to look after a child single-handedly while supposedly married 'a nice life'?? Would he consider horrendous sleep deprivation and lazy partner who won't lift a finger to be 'nice'?? What a fucking idiot.

Livpool · 27/05/2019 10:48

He is a dick.

My DH and I get up alternate days at the weekend. It was my turn this morning but I didn't sleep well so I asked him to get up. And he did. Because he actually is a good father and husband

Lazypuppy · 27/05/2019 10:51

100% plan the night before. On the weekend we each get 1 lie in, so we decide who gets sat morning and who gets sunday.

Otherwise you both lie there waiting for the other one to get up.

GCAcademic · 27/05/2019 10:59

As stated above, sleep deprivation does not constitute a "nice life". However expensive your handbags are or however many bedrooms your house may have, being sleep deprived is utterly shit.

And he may work long hours, but your job is 24/7, week after week. Earning good money does not buy the right to expect that the other person in the relationship is compliant to all your demands, or absolve you from any responsibilities beyond paying the bills.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/05/2019 11:03

That's nice for him.

You work long hours caring for the tiny human he is 50% responsible for - and if you were to split up, even on every other weekend access he'd be doing more solo childcare than he does at the moment.

I always looked at it this way: you both have a job, one inside the home and one outside the home. When you're both at home, you split the solo childcare 50/50, so you both get equal leisure time. It's not that hard. But then, my DH isn't a whiny prick.

SoyDora · 27/05/2019 11:06

I have read the post and comments to DH and he wants me to point out to everyone that he works very long hours in finance and I live a lovely life because of that

How is being hideously sleep deprived ‘a lovely life’?
My DH works extremely long hours in finance. I’m a SAHM to 3 DC aged 5, 3 and 4 months. I was up once with the 3 year old in the night and once with the baby, so he got up with the DC at 6.30am while I had a lie in until 8.30. He’s now out with all 3 of them while I’m having a rest at home.
DH is very much of the opinion that my job when he’s working is to look after the DC. All other times it’s split 50:50. Everyone needs sleep, not just the person who works out of the home.
When DH goes away he always does the full night shift the night before he goes so that I start off on a decent footing, and he’ll always take the night he gets back too.
If looking after a baby is so easy that did you don’t need sleep to do it, he’ll be happy to do more of it won’t he?

PotolBabu · 27/05/2019 11:06

Yeah he works long hours in finance because you care for the child he conceived with you. Tell him to fork out for a nanny from his big job in finance salary, go back to work and he can go 50% of the childcare and housework when he is home.
He doesn’t want to does he? Ridiculous.

PotolBabu · 27/05/2019 11:09

As a medic I am pretty sure my husband works the same hours he does for much less pay. Never ever heard him moan about a single act of childcare or housework. You know because he’s an adult, a parent and lives in this house.
How many hours does he work? And how much annual leave does he get? Does he get a lunch break?
And how many hours do YOU work in your SAHM job? Do you get annual leave? Do you get weekends off? Do you get a dedicated lunch break.
I find this attitude in 2019 just absurd.

Mummyshark2019 · 27/05/2019 11:12

Tell the lazy man child that he needs to start doing his bit around the house. Just because he works long hours in finance, does not rid him from his domestic responsibilities. This is his child too and he needs to start supporting you and helping you.

TheDailyCarbuncle · 27/05/2019 11:12

It might be worth reminding your 'husband' that if you broke up with him your life would get better - he'd still have to give you money but he'd also have to take care of his own child now and again. In contrast his life would get a lot worse - he'd no longer have a servant in the house to do everything for his child - he'd actually step up and do it himself.

You are not his paid help. He is supposed to be your partner. He'd better start acting like a partner, a proper partner who is on your side working with you to raise the child you've created together or he might find that one day he doesn't get to be so fucking lazy any more.

billy1966 · 27/05/2019 11:17

Your husband is not a nice man.

He does not really care about you or your child.

Your husband is a selfish pig.

Think twice about having more children with him as he will only get worse.

Make plans to return to work asap.
Insist on splitting childcare, costs etc.

Do nothing for him that makes his life more comfortable.

Best of luck OP.

billy1966 · 27/05/2019 11:17

Your husband is not a nice man.

He does not really care about you or your child.

Your husband is a selfish pig.

Think twice about having more children with him as he will only get worse.

Make plans to return to work asap.
Insist on splitting childcare, costs etc.

Do nothing for him that makes his life more comfortable.

Best of luck OP.

billy1966 · 27/05/2019 11:17

Your husband is not a nice man.

He does not really care about you or your child.

Your husband is a selfish pig.

Think twice about having more children with him as he will only get worse.

Make plans to return to work asap.
Insist on splitting childcare, costs etc.

Do nothing for him that makes his life more comfortable.

Best of luck OP.

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