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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should get up with baby?

86 replies

sleepymcsleeperson · 27/05/2019 05:52

It’s 5.15 and the baby (11 months) is wide awake and ready to party. I’ve tried for 30 mins to get back to sleep. DH is away this evening all week for work and then on a long weekend for a stag do. I do 100% childcare during the week and about 70% at the weekend, but my argument here is I’m about to have a 2 week stretch without a break and he’s going to sleep in a hotel bed alone and go on holiday. His argument is that he is travelling to the US and they are night flights so he will have to sleep on a plane etc too (but he can sleep absolutely anywhere so I think this is fine and doesn’t discount his holiday).

Who should get up with baby? (He has now done so after much grumbling and I of course can now not get back to sleep anyway as it took so long to convince him but would like to discuss with him later as he is annoyed about having to get up and thinks it’s unfair)

OP posts:
billy1966 · 27/05/2019 11:17

Your husband is not a nice man.

He does not really care about you or your child.

Your husband is a selfish pig.

Think twice about having more children with him as he will only get worse.

Make plans to return to work asap.
Insist on splitting childcare, costs etc.

Do nothing for him that makes his life more comfortable.

Best of luck OP.

billy1966 · 27/05/2019 11:17

Your husband is not a nice man.

He does not really care about you or your child.

Your husband is a selfish pig.

Think twice about having more children with him as he will only get worse.

Make plans to return to work asap.
Insist on splitting childcare, costs etc.

Do nothing for him that makes his life more comfortable.

Best of luck OP.

Grumpos · 27/05/2019 11:18

Gonna call it that one day you’ll be fed up of this, you might be able to suffer it for the baby years, you might even cope through the school years or even into waving them off to uni. But at some point you’re going to look at this man you’ve married and think WTF did I do to deserve someone who thinks so little of me. Unless there is a huge shift in the balance and he begins to actually respect you as a person, wife and mother and most important equal, you will end up hating him and or your relationship. It just depends on whether you waste your best years first.

Bluestitch · 27/05/2019 11:19

So he can hold down a big important job but can't even look after his own kid for an hour so that his sleep deprived wife can get a bit of rest. What a pathetic let down as a husband and father he is.

userabcname · 27/05/2019 11:38

Sorry but he lost me with the 'I work long hours' excuse. You have literally grown, birthed and been the primary carer for your child which is a 24/7 job. He should be just as grateful to you as you are to him for his money. I would have given a more balanced answer but I hate it when men throw around the fact they earn money as the excuse for being a shit parent and partner. Also, my husband always got up early with DS (who has only recently started sleeping in later than 5.30am at 2yo) even when I was on mat leave and he managed fine so it's bullshit to say otherwise.

Original poster
sleepymcsleeperson · 27/05/2019 12:10

I just want to say how much I appreciate everyone’s input and support!

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 27/05/2019 12:20

Wow, he's a really nasty piece of work

QuickQuestion2019 · 27/05/2019 12:25

@sleepymcsleeperson - tell your poor ickle tired DH I work long hours in consulting which affords my children a nice life too. But as I am widowed parent I also do 100 percent of the childcare for two small daughters. Unlike him I actually pay my domestic help though.

EKGEMS · 27/05/2019 12:44

My husband has worked long hours in corporate audit finance 27 damn years and he'd go from work to the hospital for nightshift with our medically fragile baby on/off for six years and he should be fucking ashamed of himself! I also work 12+ hour shifts 3 x week as an RN in cardiac surgery and run our household so what's his excuse?

QuarterMileAtATime · 27/05/2019 13:06

My exH was just like this self-important arse. And a PP had it exactly right - my life improved on separation and his got harder.

Wellthatwastricky · 27/05/2019 13:18

I have to say sleepy, your update with his response really has made me very angry indeed on your behalf.

If he is only interested in contributing financially to your family, he should have got himself one of those barely legal mail order brides from a country with abysmal rights for women, popular with sleazy misogynists, so he can keep her in the home to play wifey while he goes off to be the Big Man in The City.

And if he really thinks he's providing you with such a lovely life, where's your live-in nanny, cleaner, gardener and membership of gym and spa, so you can have the WAG lifestyle while he plays being Johnny Big Bollocks? He should at least provide all the trappings of a SAHM to a big city roller.

Out of interest, have you thought about working in the future? This is not an attack on you or your choices by the way (I'm currently a SAHM but DH knows I'm going to back in work in 2020 and home life and his work life will become more chaotic). Did you by chance have a conversation that went along the lines of "you earn a lot less than me, and my big finance job is soooo important and I can't possibly leave early / come in late so one of us (YOU) should be at home to look after the baby" and when / if you work again, my prediction is will he expect you to sort the childcare, go part time, do the pick ups etc, he will pull the "my job is more important" card over and over, pushing you into a less well paying, less ambitious career thus perpetuating the cycle? Funny how the women in finance (and I've met quite a few in very senior as well as middling roles) manage to look after their kids or at the least pay for a decent nanny.

sashh · 27/05/2019 13:33

I have read the post and comments to DH and he wants me to point out to everyone that he works very long hours in finance and I live a lovely life because of that.

Well he isn't working 24/7 which is what you are working. You might as well be a single parent if you are doing all the caring, I'm sure maintenance for you and your child would enable a nice life, maybe you could hire a nanny to help? Obviously at his expense because he can't possibly think it is OK for a baby to be given the wrong medication because his mother is too tired to function.

There is a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture.

Seriously OP what are you getting out of this relationship?

sar302 · 27/05/2019 13:52

Oh I love it when they bring out the finance guns!
My husband also works in finance. He used to do the night feed (bottle admittedly) on a Tuesday, fri and sat nights. He splits childcare 50/50 when he's at home. And we pay for nursery two mornings a week just so I can have a bit of a break, even though I'm a SAHM. Oh, we also have a cleaner once a week, so I don't have to slave away over housework.

Your husband is an arse.

NauseousMum · 27/05/2019 14:40

And you facilitate that nice life too otherwise he'd be paying upwards of 1.2k a month childcare plus doing half of everything all the time including childcare.

What a dick.

My dh was the one off for a while, i never acted like my bringing in the wage meant he owed me. We were a team supporting each other. What a cock. Get rid, you can do better. So can your dc as they'll learn better behaviour and attitudes.

madcatladyforever · 27/05/2019 14:46

If he is working during the week and you are a SAHM then he needs to do all the childcare every weekend so you can get a chance to sleep.
Sorry but when you are parents you cannot just drop everything to go and have a fun time whenever you want.

Mascarponeandwine · 27/05/2019 14:53

I have read the post and comments to DH and he wants me to point out to everyone that he works very long hours in finance and I live a lovely life because of that

Had to laugh at this. I work long hours in finance and dh works long hours in a different but equal profession. Perhaps we should turn out children out to be raised by wolves because neither of us can possibly do it, what with our long hours n all.

Original poster
sleepymcsleeperson · 27/05/2019 16:15

Just to say - I really don’t want to paint a one sided picture - that DH pays for a cleaner for us too.

And also I love being a SAHM and it was always our plan for me to stay at home so I would really rather keep it this way BUT I really do think he needs to pull his weight.

I continued to read the comments to him and explain about how for the next 10 days I would not be able to even pee on my own and I would have 0 respite whatsoever and he finally acknowledged that if you look at the long term picture he should have just taken the baby, but was maintaining that looking at the short term (him flying to the US this evening and only having about 4-5 hours of sleep in the hotel) means that he was justified in his behaviour.

He laughed off the other things I brought up eg not helping me on holiday etc and was adamant that all the nappies he changed during his paternity leave and the help he provides at the weekend mean he is an extremely hands on dad.

OP posts:
NauseousMum · 27/05/2019 16:44

He laughed at you? Isn't listening or giving sa crap? No he's not, he's a shit. What he did on paternity is the minimum he should do.

Or was he fully 50/50 paternity and weekends for childcare? Sleepless nights, feeds and all?

KellyW88 · 27/05/2019 16:47

Wowzers I’m not going to pile on your DH as sometimes it can get a bit extreme on here. My DH works long hours but is not so well paid, as a result we are on a shoestring budget and as I am the SAHM I, like you, take care of the majority of childcare for our 19mo twins and housework, maintenance etc. My DH gets home from work around 5pm (after a very very early start) and works every other Saturday (no extra day off in the week). This was true this weekend just gone, he is exhausted and a bit cranky in the mornings, but when our DS decided it was time to sing his morning song at 5.30am on Sunday morning, DH got up and sorted him quickly enough to save me from being woken up as he knows how shattered I am too - so yeah, your DH was being fairly unreasonable IMO

Also despite how knackered my DH is, as soon as he’s home it’s 50/50 all the way with looking after the twins, on occasion he will take over 100% in the evenings to give me a bit of time to do what I want (most of the time this means I get to shower or bathe for as long as I actually like rather than the quick scrub I manage most days lol) then we’re back to 50/50 until bedtime!

Original poster
sleepymcsleeperson · 27/05/2019 17:13

Or was he fully 50/50 paternity and weekends for childcare? Sleepless nights, feeds and all?

He was home for a month - he did every single poopy nappy, to his credit. He did literally nothing else though.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 27/05/2019 17:20

Ok so my very senior, working in finance DH took 6 weeks paternity leave. We have two older children too. He did all school runs for 5 year old, all pre school runs for 3 year old. Cooked all meals, did all packed lunches. Changed nappies. Took older DD’s to all out of school/weekend activities.
I BF the baby and rested.

INeedAFlerken · 27/05/2019 17:33

He's a dick. Especially after your update with his input about your 'nice life' due to his long hours.

Your hours are long, too. 300 nights with the little one, and he's managed to be prodded out of bed 5 or 6 times to take him? Dick.

A week in hospital with baby, and you're beyond exhausted and functioning at dangerous levels for baby's meds? Dick.

And he's now getting to disappear for 2 weeks, and refused to get up so you can get a bit of sleep before he does so? Dick.

I'd get a job and tell him he can pay for a cleaner and childminder/nanny. Since he doesn't seem to value what those things actually cost in the real world, shouldn't be a problem.

INeedAFlerken · 27/05/2019 17:35

Oh, and poor man. Upset because 4-5 hours of sleep on a plane means he'll be rather tired to party with his friends.

WHereas that level of sleep for you means you might struggle to transport your child or give him proper medical dosages post his hospital stay.

Dick.

He's not the great dad he's making out to be. Your job should not be 24/7 while his ends when he clocks out at work during the week, then 'helps' at the weekend.

TheSheepofWallSt · 27/05/2019 17:51

What. A. Cunt.

I have a Very Important Job too.
I’m a lone parent and have been since DS was 7 months old.
I’ve done all the nappies. All the night wakings. All the breastfeeding. All the early mornings.
And I haven’t kept a fucking tally for my ExDP.
If I can do it, your husband can. And if he can’t- fuck him off, get an excellent lawyer and take 50%- because you’re doing it all on your own anyway. At least this way you’ll be master of your own destiny.

NauseousMum · 27/05/2019 18:03

And how much does he credit you for every poopy nappy? Not to mention the other 95% of things?

Not at all from his comments.

Don't credit him for changing a few shit nappies, thats the least work and easiest part!