To fantasize about sending my eight year old to boarding school

[hibbledibble]

I think I am.

She is so difficult to manage. She behaves like a teenager. Constant attitude: answering back, saying mean things to me and her siblings, disobedience, shouting. She also behaves like a toddler: throwing tantrums rolling about the floor screaming, kicking doors, throwing toys.

I find it really difficult to manage, and absolutely exhausting. Camhs have refused help as she doesn't meet the threshold as well behaved at school (sort of).

I feel like most of the anger is directed at me.

I feel like she would love boarding school as it would provide the stimulation she needs (she is extremely clever and extroverted, very easily bored), and give me peace. She is only 8 though.

Do you have the funds for boarding school, could she get a scholarship?

If it would suit her, why not?

I don't think that sending your Dd to boarding school would ultimately solve the issue as she would be home during the holidays and you still wouldn't have addressed the causes of her behaviour.
If your Dd is capable of behaving reasonably well at school but not at home, maybe it's time for a really honest look at how you're responding to her behaving badly. Do you escalate it? Do you provide consistent and predictable consequences?

I hope you are joking about the boarding school! I think you need to get to the bottom of what is causing this behaviour. Could be ASD combined with anxiety. Anxiety in young children often exhibits itself as screaming, tantrums, etc because the child doesn’t know how to cope with the way they are feeling.

There are state boarding schools:
stateboarding.org.uk/find-state-boarding-school

I don’t think the fact that behaviour is worse at home means parents are necessarily to blame. Children with disorders such as Pathological Demand Avoidance, for example, can behave very differently in school and at home.

Is her behaviour learned? (Do you throw hissy fits when you aren’t happy?)
Is her behaviour fuctional (Does it meet a need- does it get her out of things / attention / people to give in to her?)
Is her behaviour emotional (seemingly irrational, out of proportion, difficult to calm down?)
Do you think she could have additional needs (e.g. high functioning autism?)

You need to explore her behaviour before you consider boarding school.

I have no answers as my 9 Yr old dd can be like this. I can't imagine not having her at home though. For her it's tiredness that sets it off.

If your Dd is capable of behaving reasonably well at school but not at home, maybe it's time for a really honest look at how you're responding to her behaving badly

Ahhh the old "if she behaves at school but not at home, it MUST be your failures as a parent that are the problem"

Ever read the coke bottle analogy?

Every child behaves better at school than they do at home. But if your kid has MH issues their behaviour at home is always far worse than at school.

Try CAMHS again or go to GP and request assessment.

Lots of 7/8 year olds coming out with ADHD diagnosis with those symptoms. Not saying that's what the problem is but see a GP.

Often kids behave at school but not at home because they can hold it in for 7 hours but no longer. Sounds difficult but I would want to get to the bottom of the behaviour. The tantrums sound extreme and not within the bounds of normal behaviour at that age (even for a badly behaved 8 year old).

Yes @yabbers, I have read the coke bottle analogy . Both personally and professionally I have experience with autism and LD.
However not all children's behaviour is due to MH or additional needs. Sometimes it is exacerbated by parents' reactions to the behaviour.

My 9 year old son displays similar behaviour at home but generally behaves ok at school. He has an ASD diagnosis. On occasion we have also fantasised about boarding school as we feel he needs a lot of structure. But this is unrealistic in our case.
Your DD’s behaviour does not sound normal though and I would second what another poster said to speak to your GP.

Both personally and professionally I have experience with autism and LD. However not all children's behaviour is due to MH or additional needs. Sometimes it is exacerbated by parents' reactions to the behaviour.

Then you should know better than to jump straight to “shit mum” scenarios. Especially where the OP has other children who are not behaving that way. When a mum is considering sending a child away, there’s a good chance it’s not a simple case of not knowing how to effectively be a parent.

I also think @seesawteddy has given a really good summary of what the causes of her behaviour could be.

I think that boarding school can be the correct option for some children. One of my sisters enjoyed it, the other didn't. One of my sons would have benefitted enormously, the other wouldn't have.

I read the boarding school comment as an expression of OP's frustration rather than a serious consideration. I very much doubt most DC would benefit from boarding school at such a young age. Especially a DC who seems emotionally volatile.

Yes, too young. From 12ish some children benefit but personally I don't think younger.

We have had some of this with our younger DD, now 8. The tantrums were, I thought, the other side of "normal" since toddler age. Just - more extreme. To the point where a friend was once with her, on the way to collect dd1, and there were police at some roadside thing, and dd2 was screaming so much the police stopped our friend to make sure things were ok! (awkward.. apparently they were very nice though)

A friend suggested it might be anxiety, and it really helped to read about that; I talked to the SENCo at the school and she pointed me towards some ways we could help. She was not quite in need of extra help at school but her teachers had definitely noticed a pattern, iyswim.

It helps to notice if there are triggers, though they aren't always consistent. For us: hunger is one. Competition (especially competition that she is losing, competition with dd1) is another. Feeling 'hard done by' when asked to help clear the table, wanting to get a one up over her older sister, not wanting to help clean or get ready quickly or basically whatever we need -these were hard because it's hard to tell if she needs help in some way, or if she's just throwing a strop building to a tantrum to get out of tidying up. Much conflict ensued.

Things that helped -- for me and DH to get completely consistent; we were not, with me more the softie, and him more the 'she's trying it on to get out of this and we shouldn't tolerate it'. Helping her to articulate what she was feeling was good.
A big shift happened when I explained, several times, that we want her help because she is useful and strong and we wanted her on our team - this helps her to reframe away from "but why didn't [older sister] have to xyz right now too" to feeling more valued and understood. Praise for all things she does well and for when she is resilient in the face of something that would normally get to her is very helpful. Loves praise.

Her having set things that she knows are happening - cuddle time every single morning; this evening for dinner we are having xyz, then we are going to [whatever]; this weekend we will clean the flat, then go to blah blah, everyone is going to do their cleaning jobs - these help avoid some of the conflict points of suddenly being asked to clear something.

Good luck OP. Maybe boarding would be great for your family. Don't think it would have fixed our issues but I didn't have access to it anyway.

I’ve literally just gone out the house because my DD, also 8, is pushing me to breaking point. She has the same boundaries and consequences she’s always had and up until a few months ago was a strong willed but beautifully behaved child. It’s breaking my heart because she’s just so angry all the time, we’ve explored all options and all the GP has come up with is early hormonal changes. There’s no consistency to what sets her off. She comes down in the morning and asking her which cereal she wants for breakfast will start her off, asking her if she’s unpacked her school bag will set her off, calmly telling her to not be rude will set her off. Consistently tries to play me and DH off against each other. It’s getting so bad that when she’s shouting next door have started banging on the walls.

I know none of that is of any help to you but I wanted you to know you’re not alone. I’m exhausted and walking on eggshells constantly and all I want is my little girl to be happy again.

Oh💐!!! Dh & I have recently fantasised about sending our whole brood (abroad!!) to boarding school😁...we’ve genuinely looked at the options but won’t (& would never really) do it. Because we’ve both done it. I went from age 8 & to be fair at that point it was a dream...but as we got older, hormones hit, friends turned to bitches...and there was no escape. I had a ‘very privaledged’ sec9ndary education too....supposedly. I regret to this day the distance from my parents that rendered me unable to communicate this to them. To fantasise is ok, please think hard before you go ahead🙏🏻

Sorry, my point was ‘yes!’ ...(It’s perfectly understandable you feel like this!!). But no, boarding ain’t the best option. You are not alone in having a child that is not so amenable, take heart and keep going!

My 10-year-old son with an ASD diagnosis is similar. His behaviour at home is off the charts. CAMHS is useless. GP is useless. Cannot afford private care in this country so we're taking him abroad for treatment in my home country.

The thing is, if you send her to boarding school, they might throw her out. Then you'll be back to square one.

I find provision for children with MH or SEN is utterly rotten in the UK. So far behind the times and very reluctant to treat with medications that can help co-morbidities.

Is her behaviour learned? (Do you throw hissy fits when you aren’t happy?)

This one struck a chord with me. My dd was a terrible one for tantrums when she was two. But years later I realised that her tantrums provoked a different type of tantrum in me and it was only when I calmed down about them, did they go away.

Excellent checklist

We have been having similar problems with my 8 year old DS although his is maybe less bad behaviour and more terrible mood swings. It's utterly exhausting and demoralising.

In his case, sending him to boarding school would be absolutely disasterous for him (he has low self esteem, anxiety and some MH issues which we are trying to get to the bottom of so sending him away would confirm his worst fears and be his worst nightmare.) I appreciate that your DD is probably very different, but often kids acting out stems from a perceived lack of attention from parents. THe things that help my DS are loads and loads of listening, support, attention, one on one time with him etc. Anything punitive or 'consequence' driven tends to make things a million times worse. But that in itself is absolutely exhausting as it requires so much attention and time from us and we have 2 other kids. Sending support to you OP. It's really hard.