To fantasize about sending my eight year old to boarding school

[hibbledibble]

I think I am.

She is so difficult to manage. She behaves like a teenager. Constant attitude: answering back, saying mean things to me and her siblings, disobedience, shouting. She also behaves like a toddler: throwing tantrums rolling about the floor screaming, kicking doors, throwing toys.

I find it really difficult to manage, and absolutely exhausting. Camhs have refused help as she doesn't meet the threshold as well behaved at school (sort of).

I feel like most of the anger is directed at me.

I feel like she would love boarding school as it would provide the stimulation she needs (she is extremely clever and extroverted, very easily bored), and give me peace. She is only 8 though.

I feel you are not definitely not unreasonable to fantasise. It's completely understandable.

I feel you would be unreasonable to act on your fantasy and send your DD to boarding school (she'd probably feel rejected and it would contribute to - rather than fix - the issues).

Children tend to push the boundaries in the place(s) where they feel most secure.

I was in a similar situation a few months ago. That sounds a lot like my son in February 2018 ,just 2 months before he started at his boarding school.
We found out the root of the problem for his behaviour and tantrums was one of his teachers at his old school who literally bullying my son to the point that he started getting stress headaches. That led to very negative behaviour, disrespectful outbursts towards us and fights with his sibling. We chose boarding as an option (I never thought of it as a punishment or something to get rid of him, God forbid). It was and is a very hars decision. But at the end of the day, he is extremely busy at his boarding school, they have every activity under the sun. He can direct his energy into a very positive purpose now. He has exams coming up which takes up his time. He is exploring, going on camping trips, swimming, fencing, playing chess. When I see him for the holidays, he is a changed boy! I would highly recommend boarding for a child like yours, because to be honest we as parents can't provide such a busy and structured routine for a hyperactive child, that would help them utilise their energy and mould it into something better.

I suspect if a letter dropped through the door offer the DC a boarding place, the OP would actually grab it. I think it’s very tempting to view boarding school as some kind of magic bullet solution where a strict regime of conformity will sort it all out, and the DC will return home at the weekends having magically undergone a character transformation! However, the fact is you ideally need to parent your own child OP. In years to come, that Dc will undoubtedly look back and regard you as a parent that either got stuck in - sought medical input, coached, found a supportive school environment, nurtured or frankly bailed and tried to outsource. If you send to boarding school you are packing off a kid with undiagnosed issues - they could get bullied unfairly, isolated and the whole idea could fail with them returning home to you and you fighting to get a terms fees refunded. Think on it OP.

It is hormones

@hibbledibble

100% what @tinkobell said. ^

I am sorry you are struggling, but FGS don't dump her in boarding school! She will resent you for life. Poor lass obviously has some issues. (Possibly MH ones, but something is definitely up, coz kids don't behave erratically and badly for nothing!)

Go see a GP after the bank holiday, and see if you can get help for her (and you and your family.) Your other kids will be suffering too, so don't let it continue.

Good luck. It ain't easy raising kids, even when there AREN'T issues.

Gosh. Aren't there boarding schools that let kids go home each weekend when they are so little? Plenty of people send their kids to boarding school. Maybe it might be great for the end of junior school, and see how she feels for secondary? Boarding schools have shorter terms. Many people have better relationships with their parents as a result of being away and appreciating each other more.

Firstly, I am not a parent. So I admit I have no idea how it must feel to be in this situation as a parent. However, my experience is that I started my periods at 9. I started puberty at 7/8 years old. I was tall, advanced socially compared to my peers, and I really struggled as I was so awkward. I was so awkward about these changes that it wasn't until I was 14 I was able to talk about them. I didn't know what was going on. I knew about periods, but these hormones are a deep rage, which turns into injustice and anarchy My mum says I was awful. I cleaned the house a lot. But I did slam doors, go off for hours alone, feel misunderstood, isolated, trapped and awkward, bored at school, out of place, buy menthol cigarettes at 10 and smoke them alone. Early menarche is connected with delinquency. I also have ADHD. There are plenty of great things about me, but 8 was tough. I am sorry you are having a hard time and I think it's fine to send a kid away. She might just absolutely love it. We are the most horrid to our mums. I am sorry. I think I couldn't face having a kid like me so I didn't risk it. Being a kid is tough, and being a parent to one must make you say 'Lord give me strength'. Hang in there. My mom coped by joining the church. Motherhood was exhausting for her. Has your daughter got counselling.? I had a massive disconnect with my mom so would have appreciated that. Probably liked the attention and chance to articulate how I felt. I couldn't stop this body changing. I struggled in a year group that wasn't advanced enough for me socially, and I think boarding school which entertains and exhausts kids would be an interesting avenue to explore. It's not a punishment. Some people hate it and some flourish. I'd explore some options and not frame it as 'if you dont stop I'll send u away because you do my head in', to 'omg, it'll be better than malary towers'.... In fact get her to read malary towers so she asks to go herself.

My Dad that went to boarding school at 8 and loved it, didn't live so far away and came home on Saturdays Sundays, half term and long breaks.

My daughter was, and is, very difficult from aged 4- a therapist we were asking to help her with her anxieties (she started to get terribly unhappy aged around 13) suggested she could be on the autistic spectrum and the penny dropped. It helped us SO SO MUCH in understanding her and her reactions. It is not a scary thing...she is fine and functions so well in every sphere...but still very tricky to handle at home (she is 20 now, just off to uni). I strongly suggest you consider it and look at parenting tips as 'normal' parenting often does not work (my daughter learns only from positivity and love, however horrid she is...consequences like 'losing pocket money' never worked). She is a beautiful girl and we are busting with pride but we HAD to understand her and her differences to be able to parent her (unlike her far far easier sibling). If you think there is anything in it talk to your daughters' school maybe. Primary are far more able to take action and help you get a diagnosis.

If your Dd is capable of behaving reasonably well at school but not at home, maybe it's time for a really honest look at how you're responding to her behaving badly

Anyone who thinks this needs to read up on the extremely common phenomenon of children who mask the effects of neurological problems in schools but let go at home where they feel safe.

Yanbu. I've looked into this too, but I can't afford it. Similar situation and I'm exhausted.

It's possible that she has an underlying sn eg asd (in girls they can be very well behaved at school but because it's so hard all day conforming when they get home they explode) but equally it's possible that it's more personality based and is simply manipulating you (is she an only child?). Parenting help could be good as a first step alongside this do look at whether sn is possible (it's easy over the internet to say sn but in reality some kids are "normal" but tricky so go down both routes.

From 11 there are state boarding schools and younger in specific circumstances so whilst this is not a solution anyone here thinks is a good idea, longer term it might.

I'm currently helping a friend with a 10 year old whose similar to how you describe, she was close to calling social services, she was desperate - the girl doesn't have sn but this week her periods started so her "teenage" stroppiness and completely unreasonable behaviour was triggered by her hormones (by contrast my dd2 was 15 before she started, at 12 she still put her dolls to bed, and other little girl things - they are partly slaves to their hormones

My DS went to boarding school, but he was 11, not 8. And not because of tantrums His behaviour at home was ok. He enjoyed boarding school and made lifelong friendships, and they kept him busy with activities that he wouldn't have had at home... It could be the answer, OP. Dont rule it out.

If you think she has a mental health problem that needs a CAMHS referral then surely you can see she wouldn't cope with with boarding school, she would be bullied mercilessly.

It would also be the ultimate rejection of her to 'send her away',as she would see it.

If you can afford (even considering) boarding school then you can afford to see a psychologist privately, choose someone who specialises in children's behaviour problems.

You need strategies to deal with it which is difficult to help you with online as we don't know the triggers. See a clinical psychologist, not a counsellor or psychotherapist, they are different with different training.

I feel like she would love boarding school as it would provide the stimulation she needs (she is extremely clever and extroverted, very easily bored), and give me peace. She is only 8 though.

She’s likely to feel pushed out and rejected, particularly because it sounds like you have a difficult/adversarial relationship and she’s the only one you’re planning to single out for exile. Yes, a short term fix (for you) but one that stores up longer term problems for her. 😕

I feel like she would love boarding school as it would provide the stimulation she needs (she is extremely clever and extroverted, very easily bored)

OP has already identified with excellent clarity what the underlying problem is for her DD. She's frustrated because she is bored.

What can you do to get her the stimulation she needs OP? It sounds to me like she needs a very time consuming and involved extra-curricular in her life. What does she like? Theatre, dance, sport, music?

Obviously it will take some effort and money- but it might make your home life a lot better.

A lot of good preps offer flexi boarding. You can try a couple of nights a week to see if they like it / are suited to it. The change might well be what she needs but it's impossible for strangers to say. What do your family / friends think? What does she think? Maybe go and visit one with her and see how she reacts to the idea?

Well ... Addressing the point in your title (because the rest has been adequately covered) eight is a good age to start looking for a school that offers boarding - whether at prep or senior level.

The first thing you need to know is that you would be picking her up and taking her back if not every weekend then almost certainly every second weekend. And you would have to anticipate being at the school often for matches, concerts, plays, parent and child activities ... You wouldn’t be able to deliver her to the door in September and forget about her till Christmas - boarding schools don’t work like that now.

I can say that the current teen in my own family seemed very much to be outgrowing their environment at eight. Very happy at home and wonderful company but constrained by lack of new challenges and excitement at school. And absolutely thrilled at the prospect of all that boarding offered. It was a few years before they began but they’ve loved every second.

My parents weekly boarded me from 8. I went home weekends. I loved it!

My too both in private sector. But not boarding. Self harm and weed are rife in the sector. No one talks about it because, schools with big names don't want their reputations marred. At DS school about 1 in 10 kids has a serious weed habit. These things are there to lure the vulnerable op. Just get your girls issues sorted before you consider sending her away.

My dd has sn and behaves beautifully at school, but often has tantrums at home. It's very common. They behave well at school and then once at home they need to release the pressure. It wouldn't occur to me to send her away

A classic sign for ASC girls is that they are generally fine at school but often the complete opposite at school. Worth exploring ASC.

YANBU to speculate and try to imagine changes which might make life happier for your DD, even if you dismiss them as impractical or not so great in reality.

Posters throwing around ASD on the evidence presented need a slap though. Not all behavioural problems = ASD and it isn't something you can diagnose instantly, remotely and over the internet.

I should say, a mainstream boarding school would absolutely not be the right place for a child with serious behavioural issues requiring specialist care.

Nor would it suit determined rule breakers, or the extremely shy or indeed anyone who didn’t want to be there.

Essentially there is no ‘sending away’ involved. A child has to actively want to be there - and that has to be demonstrated throughout the application process or the school will decline to have them.

Assessment for ADHD was refused as performing well and behaving reasonably well at school. I did say that it is possible to be both clever, and have ADHD, but they didn't seem in agreement.

I think she would actually be really well behaved if she was in boarding school, as she is at school currently.

ASD doesn't really fit. I think the issues are more behavioural, perhaps related to anxiety. No idea how to resolve it though.

I think she would actually be really well behaved if she was in boarding school, as she is at school currently

But would it be a case of her behaving well whilst all her anger and frustrations bubble away below the surface? Children often misbehave at home because it's their safe space to let loose...