To fantasize about sending my eight year old to boarding school

[hibbledibble]

I think I am.

She is so difficult to manage. She behaves like a teenager. Constant attitude: answering back, saying mean things to me and her siblings, disobedience, shouting. She also behaves like a toddler: throwing tantrums rolling about the floor screaming, kicking doors, throwing toys.

I find it really difficult to manage, and absolutely exhausting. Camhs have refused help as she doesn't meet the threshold as well behaved at school (sort of).

I feel like most of the anger is directed at me.

I feel like she would love boarding school as it would provide the stimulation she needs (she is extremely clever and extroverted, very easily bored), and give me peace. She is only 8 though.

That's a good point. Boarding school isn't really a serious thought. I need to resolve the behaviour. I know I'm not perfect, but her siblings are a lot easier. She has always been difficult to manage.

My 8yo DD is similar in behaviour. We saw CAMHS two years ago because she was also self-harming (this was around the time her dad moved 150 miles away). She is okay at school but explodes at home. She still hits and scratches herself out of anger and frustration. I somehow have reserves of patience I didn’t know existed. It breaks my heart to see her so upset at times. She also has sensory processing issues but CAMHS refused to assess her for ASD because she “doesn’t have trouble communicating” (in fact, she’s overly sensitive to nuance). I tried telling them it presents differently in girls but they said that’s not in their assessment criteria. And so we go on, as best we can, with me being patient but firm and her being a big ball of emotions.

I have yet to ever meet anyone who's had a good experience with CAMHS.

What is your home life like? Sometimes it’s better for a child to be at school than in a difficult home. There’s no harm in trying it. Most schools offer flexi boarding. You could try a couple of nights a week and see if it suits her.

She sounds spoilt. Why don't you try parenting her OP instead of trying to find something wrong with her or shipping her off to let somebody else sort out the problem you've created?

but her siblings are a lot easier.

And she more than likely feels that vibe from you, which doesn't help. What about the two of you trying counselling?

If her issues are related to anxiety and she behaves well at school it's very likely that good behaviour comes at an emotional cost. She can hold it in for a certain period of time and home provides a self outlet to release difficult feelings. If you take away that pressure valve you're going to be storing up even worse MH issues for the future.

yy Miss. I was dismissed by CAMHS five years ago. Very limited help from the school nurse in the following years while my dd becomes stronger and more difficult.

I'm surprised at the extremely disparaging comments here. I do my best to parent her, and certainly try not to spoil her. I have done a parenting course. I feel like her behaviour is outside of the normal range for her age, and quite possibly related to anxiety as many people here have said. Counselling is an excellent suggestion. It's just the practicality of arranging it. (How to access it? Not sure if her school even has a counsellor anymore, and camhs has refused us). I'm willing to pay privately but wouldn't know how to find one.

ADHD? My ridiculously clever, full-scholarship daughter has ADHD. Her school were sniffy about completing the teacher assessments, but they eventually did, and she was diagnosed with ADHD last year. Since she started meds she's been 100% easier to live with, although god help us if we don;t get her into bed when she starts to crash!

I fantasised about boarding school for years. I absolutely get where you're coming from.

Private ADHD diagnosis cost us about £2k (with quite some of that happening becasue it was tricky to get her meds right, so we had lots of extra appointments - at £250 a pop - to try to get that sorted). Best £2k we ever spent.

Hi,
Our daughter (Grace) has boarded at school since she was seven albeit not 7days, at first Sunday through to Saturday morning and when Sunday through to Thursday morning. The reduction is due to outside school activities.
Grace had a tester night (of boarding) after which she asked to board and as Grace is an only child clearly being surrounded by her peers is all positive for her.
So l can only say from our experience it has been very positive. Perhaps it should be remembered that very often it is harder on the parents than the child and you ought to ask yourselves 'are we prepared to let go'.

Pingu I think it is possible. It fits her behaviour. I asked camhs for a referral for an assessment but it was refused. Rediculously, as she is doing well academically in a big part. But as you say, it is possible to be both clever and have ADHD. I'm considering an assessment. Not sure if it is warranted though if she behaves well at school: I was told that the behaviour needs to be at both home and school to qualify.

Tantrums don’t necessarily equal a child being spoilt, Aprillygirl, that’s such an unkind comment. There’s nothing in what the OP has shared to suggest this is the case.

We definitely have never spoilt our 2 DDs, who are adopted. But DD1 (10) has very similar behaviour patterns to the OP’s DD - seemingly good behaviour at school and loud tantrums at home. Although she has now been through therapy and I understand that it’s more the case that she’s withdrawn at school and holds in all her anxieties, and it all explodes when she’s at home.

It’s getting better, she used to lash out violently at DD2 (now 7) and me, which has stopped, she will throw her glasses or hearing aids across the room. (Another potential source of frustration.)

You have my sympathy, OP. Hang in there and keep pushing for your DD to have the help she clearly needs. We had to push so hard for our DD to have her therapy, and for 3 years from when we asked for help. (Her needs are at least partly adoption related, so obviously not the same, but as you’ve said, anxiety may be playing a part in your DD’s behaviour as well.)

Our DD1 is struggling academically as well, so again not the same, though she’s nevertheless still too bright for the school to think she needs an EHCP.

I also meant to offer you , it really can be a lonely place to be.

op if you can afford boarding school you can afford some counselling /private assessments for her...stop waiting for the overstretched CAHMS and google child counsellers in your area....
Talk to some and get a feel for ones that you feel may be suited to her.

My DS had 10 sessions of counselling after being bullied at his school, his anxiety spiralled dreadfully fast and he was saying things that scared me ie he didn't want to be here anymore.....
We found him a local counsellor who saw him within a week and weekly thereafter......within 2 sessions she had nailed his issues, given us valuable feedback as parents and things were put in place for him....
resulting in a change of schools first and foremost.

He is now happy and well 18 months later, and often comments on how glad he is that we took action so fast when he was so dreadfully unhappy.

Stop dithering, this behavior is not good, go and find some help for your DD and keep trying until you get the answers you need.

And tantrums don't necessarily mean a child has something wrong with them either Lizzie48. I just think it's a pretty dangerous road we're going down when everyone wants to automatically slap a label on a naughty (are we even allowed to use that word anymore) child rather than perhaps look at ourselves and our parenting first. OP hasn't mentioned how she tries to manage her behaviour,just that said behaviour exhausts her and she wants to ship her off. Now that's what I call unkind. No wonder the child is angry!

I am not unkind to her, just exhausted, and venting here. Clearly she won't be reading this.

I did the Webster Stratton course and use these methods to manage her parenting. It is evidence based. I'm not saying I am perfect, but I am trying

That course you did, I would be asking for my money back if I were you

@Newpassw0rd

I don't actually agree that it is harder on the parents than the child. While some DC may have a positive experience early boarding (before 13) is generally not recommended and is associated with long term negative emotional affects.

Oh, yes, the good ol' 'blame the parents' hobby horse. CAMHS is especially good at that one. Social work is, too.

I think the suggestion to seek private professional help is a very good and constructive one. I would head to private care if I could afford it without any hesitation.

April that's not constructive in any way. I have patented all of my children the same way. I am not perfect, neither are any parents, yet I have one child who is very different behaviourally to the others.

Regardless 'blaming the parent' doesn't help in anyway. I'm looking for a way forward.

that's not constructive in any way. I have patented all of my children the same way

Well there is you first major mistake!

Yep, I definitely parented that autism and OCD into my son, by neglect, over-indulgence and 'fucked up' ness. So glad the paed and paed psychiatrist realise that some kids behave how they do because they have a neurological condition, and that's always best to get them checked out to ensure: a) there is no physical or health condition you may not being aware of (including having their sight and hearing checked) and b) there is assessment for any other type of neurological condition present.