Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To ask do you think your only child is missing out?

92 replies

Westside1 · 24/05/2019 22:12

I got asked the dreaded question tonight putting her to bed. Mommy can I have a brother? It won’t be happening for a variety of reasons. What is your experience with your only child? Is he or she deprived not having siblings?

OP posts:

AguerosAngel · 24/05/2019 22:21

DS(12) is an only child, largely because of my health issues.

When he was a bit younger he used to say he wanted a sibling, now he sees his friends with siblings who annoy each other etc and if you ask him if he’d like a brother or sister he always says no.

I don’t think he misses out on anything, he has a great social life, does lots of extra activities, we go away a lot and he has lots of experiences that we wouldn’t be able to afford if we had more children. He’s well balanced, happy, doing well at school and with his sports and we have no concerns about him at all.

I’m the eldest of five and there were times when I’d have killed to be an only child, DH is the youngest of six and saysexactly the same.

Dreamingofkfc · 24/05/2019 23:03

I'm an only child, I missed out as a kid but I really feel I miss out now not having a sibling. I know not all siblings get on, but everyone around me seems to have close relationships with their brothers and sisters

geekone · 24/05/2019 23:08

No.

He does ask and he feels it sometimes, but no he would not have me or my DHs full attention. He would. It be able to pursue his hobby to the same degree.
I love my brother but we text maybe once a month there are stories of NC and sibling problems all over MN I will be teaching him that we are not his problem and to live his life to the fullest.

CamillafromCobham · 24/05/2019 23:08

I don’t think mine is deprived. We do a lot, she gets opportunities she might not otherwise if we had more than one child.

We also have lots saved for her so she’ll leave uni debt free etc.

She’s happy, we are happy.

If I had any concerns at all it would be having to deal with us when we are older but I hope that not too much of the actual care would fall on her, more the decisions etc.

TheGonnagle · 24/05/2019 23:09

We have an only, she was an icsi baby and my health has prevented us trying again. She has cousins who she is very close to who we try to see a lot. I know she feels lonely sometimes in the holidays but she is incredibly good at meeting people and making friends. She’s also very good in her own company.
And we can give her opportunities we wouldn’t be able to afford if we had two.
Swings and roundabouts. My mum has a very difficult relationship with both her siblings.....

geekone · 24/05/2019 23:09

*wouldn’t not would.

winepls · 24/05/2019 23:10

As an only child, I promise you your DC is not missing out. I loved being the only one to have my mums attention. I do wonder what it'd be like to have a sister, but I have a lot of close girlfriends.

Afreet · 24/05/2019 23:11

No. He’s having a brilliant childhood compared to mine in a large family.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 24/05/2019 23:14

Cautionary tale here - only child (now 17) wanted siblings from the age of 6. She ended up with a sister when she was 8 and a brother when she was 11. It is fair to say that you should be careful what you wish for.
Both impacted on her life in a negative way. That's not to say she is an awful big sister but she was a happy only child and a pet would have been a simpler solution. She was not deprived and I found it was mums of 3 or more pedalling the myth and quite frankly offensive maxim that One wasn't a family (yes I was told that once).
Ignore the bullshit, ignore any peer pressure, ignore your biological clock, tis all a ruse...one is fine

Aquamarine1029 · 24/05/2019 23:16

I'm an only and missed out on nothing. Having a sibling in no way guarantees a fairy tale relationship with them. Most of my childhood friends have very contentious relationships with their siblings now that they're adults. Your child will be just fine.

MintChocChipp · 24/05/2019 23:20

Im with dreaming, I’m an only and I really wanted a sibling growing up however i really feel it as an adult. I see lots of people with wonderful relationships with their nieces/nephews and I know I’ll never be able to be an aunt and it sometimes does get to me

Some people will come and tell you being an only is great and amazing though. There’s always two sides.

Magissa · 24/05/2019 23:33

I'm an only child and I hated it. My parents were close and when they were together I felt left out. I wanted a sibling so much. When I went to secondary school I made one up. I just think if I had a sibling it would have taken the focus off me. Now that I am an adult with three children I can see what I missed out on.

PicsInRed · 24/05/2019 23:37

They could very well be missing out on a sibling they don't get on with or even one who hates them. Sibling doesnt necessarily = friend.

BlackToothpaste · 24/05/2019 23:38

And you don’t think that at least some of us with only children have siblings and chose to have one child precisely because we know from the inside what actual sibling relationships are Iike when you’re one of the siblings, not a doting parent or an only child with a completely idealised idea of it all?

PicsInRed · 24/05/2019 23:38

Best mate siblings is mostly t.v. nonsense.

IHaveBrilloHair · 24/05/2019 23:39

I don't think mine is missing out on anything.

IHaveBrilloHair · 24/05/2019 23:41

I have a brother and I can't stand him.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 24/05/2019 23:44

I'm struggling with this. Do I want my child to have a sibling or not. I love my sister but that doesn't mean he would love his. I'm not sure finances could comfortably stretch to two kids without sacrifice. Decisions, decisions.

BlackToothpaste · 24/05/2019 23:45

I mean, I quite like my siblings, but we’ve all lived in different countries for several decades and aren’t much in contact, probably because it was pretty cramped in terms of attention growing up. We don’t talk to one another from one end of the year to the next, and I can’t remember when we were last all in the same room.

Stiffasaboard · 24/05/2019 23:45

I have 4 and my sister has 1

Hers does benefit from more one on one parent time obviously. And my sister can invest fully in their life and activities. They have more disposable income despite family earnings being almost identical. It’s always been a real eye opener to me just now expensive more kids are when we discuss it! It’s easy to think the later kids just use the same stuff but bigger car, more food all adds up. University will be easier for
my sister to fund so opening up opportunities.

But her child does yearn for their own siblings and has often told me that (but not told my sister I don’t think). They spend plenty of time at our house though so perhaps get the best of both worlds.

But I see mine having instant allies at school, play mates on holiday and all the friendships amongst the four of them that I am confident will continue into adulthood and think that is right for us.

You do lose out on being an only child but you gain in other ways so like everything I’d say it’s swings and roundabouts.

WithLotsOfSprinkles0 · 24/05/2019 23:52

I have one DS, he's only 1 and i don't think I want another..sometimes it's at the back of my mind but it's so much easier to get him minded while working, moneys easier etc.
I have 1 brother and we see eachother maybe once a month if that at my parents.

As people say, sibling first equal friend and depending on the age gap, they can have different interests and friends anyway.

DeRigueurMortis · 25/05/2019 00:13

I can only answer as an "only" myself.

I went through a phase of wanting a sibling but it didn't last long.

Tbh based on conversations with my friends these days I'm very glad I don't have to deal with some of the sibling issues they had/have.

Siblings doesn't automatically mean they'll get on and be friends (though it's lovely when that happens).

In my social circle very few people seem to have a lovely and positive sibling relationship and quite a few have particularly difficult one.

The "joys" of having a playmate in tap are pretty short lived.

What's most telling I'm finding now is the acrimony of dealing with ageing parents and that in every case the female sibling is expected to shoulder the burden.

I've been asked how I'll support my parents as they age and having no-one to share the burden with.

Frankly (based on experience) if I'd had a brother I'd in all probability be doing it all myself anyway.

If I had a sister we may argue about what's required and create addition stress.

As it is my parents and I have already planned for a number of contingency's because I'm an "only" working mother myself.

As I said, aside from a brief period I didn't want/think about a sibling.

Looking back I had an incredible childhood.

I wasn't at all spoiled materially but frankly being a small family meant my parents had the financial resources to do things we otherwise might not have been able to (holidays/experiences etc).

My parents could also "afford" to be hugely generous with their time. I was the recipient of so much positive focus.

I can't say for sure, but I'd be very surprised if my life could have been in any way improved by having a sibling.

For disclosure I have only had one child. I never wanted more.

I can't class him as an only as he has a half sibling (DH precious relationship).

swimmerforlife · 25/05/2019 00:16

I am an only, I don't think I have missed out, I know I wouldn't have got the opportunities I got growing up if I had siblings, I also had a good social life etc.

But my mum was a single mum, so its always been just the two of us, I really didn't understand the concept of a 'nuclear family' growing up (until I meet my own DH and had my kids), I was just happy with my mum! Which means we have had an incredibly close relationship, I never imagine my life with siblings.

We have two children, but I didn't have a second child to give DC1 a sibling.

My DH has three siblings, him and his sister really get on each others nerves, they don't see each other unless its family events. Him and his youngest brother are much closer now, but it never always been like this, they definitely had some barneys in their teens/20s.

His eldest (half) brother, they don't really have a relationship just because he's lived abroad for many years and they have no shared interests.

PotolBabu · 25/05/2019 00:17

I am an only. No regrets. Didn’t miss out on anything. I am very self sufficient. We have a huge age gap between the two. I can see why DH wanted a second and their relationship is lovely but I would have been totally happy with one and so would DS1. Don’t over think it.

Treaclepie19 · 25/05/2019 00:55

Following. We lost a baby in December (TFMR) and I'm not sure we can TTC again.

Flip

1 2 3 4