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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask do you think your only child is missing out?

92 replies

Westside1 · 24/05/2019 22:12

I got asked the dreaded question tonight putting her to bed. Mommy can I have a brother? It won’t be happening for a variety of reasons. What is your experience with your only child? Is he or she deprived not having siblings?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 25/05/2019 01:04

I was an only child for quite some time.

I have a sibling but we are not even the same generation and even when older will never be at a similar point in time.

My childhood as an only child I hated but I could never tell my mother because she would have said I was ungrateful or that I was telling lies.

I had 2 children within almost 2 years who really like each other.

Yes they annoy each other to distraction each day but they go away together and work together and couldn’t ever imagine one without the other.

They are living the life I wanted to lead and it is great.

WeedsAndMoss · 25/05/2019 08:18

Yes only miss out on siblings and everything that goes with them.

However, children with siblings miss out in peace & quiet, undivided parental attention, etc.

I have an only child and absolutely hate when people make comments about only children needing to learn how to share - my DC shares her toys with her friends and is always very welcoming to them. I've also had people ask me if she has older siblings as she's so confident playing with new children. Cannot win. It's just ignorance on the part of the askers!

There's no point worrying about it.

Original poster
Westside1 · 26/05/2019 20:24

Thank you for all the replies.

OP posts:
Whatsername7 · 26/05/2019 20:31

I had my 2nd when dd1 was 5.5. She still gets upset as she remembers her time as an only and wishes she still was. Im not sure that there is a right way, you will always miss what you dont have.

GibbonLover · 26/05/2019 20:31

OK, say you couldn't afford/were allergic to/had no time to look after/any reason you have for not wanting or not being able to have, a dog. One night, your DC said 'Mummy, can I have a dog'. The answer would be 'Sorry, no' wouldn't it?

Another child is far more consequential than a dog. So the answer shouldn't be any different.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 26/05/2019 20:47

I wonder about this, it's unlikely we will have another, I'm 35, and it's just transpired my job isn't secure, I won't know for eighteen months what will happen, and I have fertility issues so we were lucky to have one key shove two. I also did not enjoy pregnancy or child birth AT ALL.

I have a brother, we get on well now and talk every week and see each other 3-4 times a month sometimes more. We didn't get on as teens at all. As for support etc, if something happened to one of our parents he would help in a practical way if asked but anything organisational, logistical or even just considering what need to be done would be left to me. We did have a lot of fun as young children. DH is an only child and had nothing negative to say other than missing out on some board games etc as a child. He also has a brilliant relationship with our nieces (I think they prefer him to me), so there's no saying an only child will miss out on those relationships either.

I think my conclusion is done people live having finings and it's a benefit, you only have to read a few threads here to know for some siblings are a burden and an irritant will into adulthood. On the other hand some people have fantastic experiences of being an only child and others say they are lonely. It just comes down to the individual experience and we can't predict that.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 26/05/2019 20:48

So many typos. I think it might be time for a sit down and a cup of tea!

Bananarama12 · 26/05/2019 20:52

Sibling love is not tv nonsense. My sister and brother are my best friends.

Mummyshark2019 · 26/05/2019 20:54

I am an only child. I never feel like I missed out at all. I have a strong bond and relationship with my parents. I had an extremely happy childhood which I look back with great fondness. My son is an only child and he does not miss out on anything. He says he does not want a sibling g when asked. He gets to do all the activities which we may not be able to afford with more than one and we have saved up for uni already. We live comfortably, within our means and we are all happy. He has cousins and friends he plays with.

ShaggyRug · 26/05/2019 20:59

I’m an only and I loved it. Still happy now as an adult. Just always has a tonne of friends.

DD is an only and if asked she says she’d not change it as she has all our attention, all our money and she gets to have mates round whenever Grin

It short, it’s about the person not the number of them.

Applesbananaspears · 26/05/2019 20:59

As a child I didn’t get on with my sister, I hated her and wished I was an only. As an adult she’s my absolute best friend and I would be bereft without her. DH has 2
Siblings and also had a distant relationship growing up, as adults they are extremely close.

Numbersaremything · 26/05/2019 21:00

I think it was toughest between ages 5-10 when my DC desperately wanted a sibling for company in playgrounds, theme parks and on days out. They are close to their cousins and very close to the adults in their life. I asked them a few months ago f they would have liked to have a sibling and they vehemently said no.

Squirrelinatree · 26/05/2019 21:25

My husband is an only and hated it, I have 1 sibling and we are really close. DH and I have a 1 year old and don’t think my health (physical or mental) would cope with another child, I adore my child but I’m at my limit of what I can cope with and we are older so it would have to be soon if we were to have another. People seem to think it appropriate to say things to me like ‘an only child is a lonely child,’ and ‘you can’t leave him on his own it’s cruel.’ He has a half sister who is a lot older but adores him and I’m hoping that will be enough. In my heart I would love another child but my head knows it wouldn’t be the right decision for our family.

SpotsAreAppearing · 26/05/2019 21:33

I'm an only.

My DD is an only.

I wouldn't have had just one if I didn't think it was a good way to grow up.

I'm very close with my parents. DD is very close with DH and I and doted on by my parents too being the only grandchild on their side.

Any clubs she wants to do. She can do them. And friends she wants to have over she can have. Any trips she wants to go on/shows she wants to see/days out she wants to have we can do.

Sure sometimes I think it would be nice for her to have a sibling for company. But it's swings and roundabouts like everyone else says.

Crazycat16 · 26/05/2019 22:16

Yes I do. Even though me and my siblings fought like cat and dog growing up. My sister is my best friend in the world, my brother is some distance away but we get along well.
DC spent years sobbing “please mummy have a baby” (4 losses including dc twin, 7 cycles of ivf) and is a very lonely only child. family gatherings where all the cousins have siblings they all interact with is especially heartbreaking. Although my DC has fun with the cousins they have the familiarity and in jokes that only siblings have. Going through some difficult times DC has had no one to share it with. It makes me very sad.

SilviaSalmon · 26/05/2019 22:20

I had a sibling and he made my childhood hell. We’re NC now.

I have an only DC and he is having a much happier time growing up than I did.

Thehop · 26/05/2019 22:24

I wish I was an only child. My brother and I hate each other, I’m only close to my half siblings.

PinguForPresident · 26/05/2019 22:25

It's tricky. I'm one of 3 (plus 4 step-siblings), my husband is an only, and my mum was also an only. Both husband and mum loathed being only children. They hated the burden that fell on them in adulthood to be the ones looking after the elderly parent, feeling the weight of all of their parents expectations on them and them alone. my husband in particular feels that he missed out on a lot as a child and feels socially difficult in big, family surroundings. HIs parents weren;t badly off so he went to private school and did all manner of activities, but he felt isolated at home.

For tha reason he was very clear that if we had kids, we should have more than one. Luckily I'm on the same wavelength as my relationship with my siblings is one of the most enduring and positive things in my life, and I want my kids to have the same.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/05/2019 22:32

Always wanted a sibling.

My mother would ask me if I wanted a sibling.

She wasn’t looking for the truth so I used to say no.

Someone persuaded me once to say what I wanted.
Her reply was “what do you want me to do”

Unless you would be willing to have another child if your dc said yes.
I don’t see the point in asking a child if they want a sibling.

el1506 · 26/05/2019 22:36

My husband is an only child and has a very small family (no cousins he’s particularly close to etc). His mum recently died and his dad isn’t particularly great and so it fell to him to do everything, organise everything, sort out the rest of his family and he didn’t really have anyone who knew his mum to talk/reminisce etc and I just felt terrible for him. I know it’s not a reason to have more than one child but it made me appreciate the fact that I have siblings for when that time comes. My husband missed out on nothing and wanted for nothing but I just feel bad that he doesn’t have that support that often automatically comes from having siblings.

Starlight456 · 26/05/2019 22:36

No . My Ds asked when younger. I am a cm so he knows the joy of a quiet house too.

I have a friend who has 3 always she has to consider the cost for 3 , finding time for 3 logistics of getting the children to different places. My own Ds so long as not working can get him anywhere

Sashkin · 26/05/2019 22:41

We have an only, hoping to have a sibling but difficult enough having DS so may not happen.

I’m not expecting him to be best friends with any sibling - I detested mine from age 5-15. But Ido think that two parents vs one child puts a lot of focus on that one child, and I want him to feel that he has “an ally” - hard to explain, but my experience of triangular family relationships is that they can be difficult.

And when DH and I age, I don’t want DS to feel that he has sole responsibility for us. I wouldn’t expect him to take us in/nurse us etc, but I don’t want him to feel the weight of the mental responsibility either. And if we die, I want him to have some extended family left (not looking likely he’ll have any cousins at this stage).

madeofstarlight · 26/05/2019 22:46

It's a tricky one. I'm very close with my sister, there's 4 years between us and generally we've always got on well. I know I would feel the loss of her more than anyone else in my life (don't have my own DC yet).

However, I know plenty of people who aren't close with their siblings/ flat out don't like them. My cousin who's 10 is an only child and is really happy but she's close to the rest of the family and has cousins close in age that she spends a lot of time with so I think that makes up for it.

I also think it's one of those things that if they've never had it they probably won't miss it.

angstridden2 · 26/05/2019 23:34

I’m an only...my husband has several siblings and they all get on really well. I felt the lack of a brother or sister more when I was a teenager and would have welcomed someone to take the intensity from me.i still wish I had a sibling....I was lucky enough to be able to have more than one child and would have liked even more.. They are very close to their siblings.

angstridden2 · 26/05/2019 23:40

I’m an only child. I longed for a sibling, particularly as I got older as it would have made it all less intense. My DP has siblings and get on really well.i was lucky enough to have more than one child and would have liked more. I would not have chosen to have one child, but circumstances sometimes change what you would like to happen.My children are still very close and I think are are very lucky to have each other.