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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask do you think your only child is missing out?

92 replies

Westside1 · 24/05/2019 22:12

I got asked the dreaded question tonight putting her to bed. Mommy can I have a brother? It won’t be happening for a variety of reasons. What is your experience with your only child? Is he or she deprived not having siblings?

OP posts:

PooWillyBumBum · 13/08/2019 15:41

DD is 11 and I have a (surprise) number 2 on the way. Quite sad in a way, love our family dynamic. Luckily their gap probably won’t lead to a relationship like my sister and I - I knocked her front teeth out once! Would’ve loved to be an only!

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 13/08/2019 15:49

No not at all.Ds is 5 and we take him to play areas and other activities with a friend or sometimes alone with us.We love our family of 3 and can afford to do the thi gs we want to do including going on holiday abroad.I read so much on here about problems once people have another child and I'm grateful for the one I have.

Buddytheelf85 · 13/08/2019 18:03

I’m an only child and I wasn’t very happy growing up - I longed for a sibling. However - and these are massive howevers:

I was unhappy largely because I had to bear the brunt of my parents’ dysfunction alone. I longed for someone to dilute them and share the burden. If they hadn’t been so dysfunctional, I doubt I would have longed for a sibling.

I always had a rose-tinted view of what having a sibling was like, until I got older and met someone who was sexually abused by an older sibling. An extreme example, I know, but it made me realise that having a sibling is no guarantee of a close relationship - or even a good relationship.

Lumene · 13/08/2019 18:06

If they had a sibling it might be brilliant but it might be life changingly awful. There is no way of telling, it would be a massive gamble.

BrokenWing · 13/08/2019 18:12

ds(15) is an only child and doesn't miss out as we made sure he did activities and socialised a lot with friends either with days out or sleepovers. There were lots of only children in his class at school and their parents were looking for friends for days out etc too and we all took turns about taking them out/taxiing them about. The things he misses out on as an older child is holidays which can be boring with just you and your (older) parents.

The biggest concern I have for him is when he is older. I really hope he finds a partner and settles down with his own family unit. I have an elderly parent (and siblings to share the burden) and worry he will feel the pressure of supporting me and/or dh alone. Another worry is he could feel very alone in the world once we are gone (again why friendships are important).

Flyingbytheseatofmypullups · 13/08/2019 18:18

I have an only, would've loved more but it wasn't to be. I had a sibling who is no longer alive, and I have ageing parents who are now my sole responsibility. My only cild has no cousins close in age or location. Nothing is as I would've planned it to be honest. But these are things I cannot change. I can however give my child the best possible start in life I can, and look around and be happy and thankful with what we have. Most of the time. At other times it feels like everyone else has something we don't and it makes me cry. But I don't think my only is missing out as such, just that they will have a different experience to some others.

IdentifyasTired · 13/08/2019 18:28

It really is swings and roundabouts. There are pros and cons to almost all family set ups.
I was one of 3 and adore my sisters. We are a very close family. I would have liked more siblings. I have 4 daughters and am hopeful they will feel the same, but there is no guarantee.
So long as you invest the best of yourself, your time (and money) into your relationship with your child, that is all that really matters.
There is no one route to a happy family life.

TonTonMacoute · 13/08/2019 18:29

Just asked DS (20) if he felt he missed out, and he said no, it's just different.

Having siblings is no guarantee against loneliness and unhappiness in any case, you only have to read MN forums to know that, arguments feeling your sibling is preferred over you etc etc.

museumum · 13/08/2019 18:35

I have a useless sibling I hardly ever see (he’s been known to cancel on my parents for Xmas with no notice due to a hangover!) my only ds is not missing out as far as I can see.

Forallyouknow · 13/08/2019 18:52

Has anyone with one child heard the “spare and a pair” term? It freaked me out (only have one and not planning more). Spare being “You need someone to live for if something happens to the one you have” or “if he needs a kidney or something” is something I’ve heard. And the “pair” thing being the instant “friend”.

Flyingbytheseatofmypullups · 13/08/2019 20:03

Forallyouknow that phrase is just awful!

BlackeyedGruesome · 14/08/2019 01:20

There are some great things about being an only.

StrawberryCrunch · 14/08/2019 08:57

I'm an only! My child won't be as H already has two children BUT I will not be having another.

I don't feel I missed out on anything at all. Apparently I cried for hours when my mum suggested it

Honestly though, I had a great childhood. Got to do lots of things I might not have been able to had my parents had more children to care for and I feel very very close to my parents now. I can't speak for all of course but out of my friends who have brothers or sisters I'd say I'm the one who's closest to their mum.

StrawberryCrunch · 14/08/2019 08:59

Oh and it may all change when they grow up of course but Hs two can't stand each other! Constant arguing. Sometimes one stays with mum and the other comes to us because they want a 'break from each other!'

Forallyouknow · 14/08/2019 10:33

I didn’t coin it! Was said to me by someone of an older generation - it was so fun to stare at them blankly at a loss for words! thought it might an ancient English proverb I didn’t come across in gcse or something.

RockinHippy · 14/08/2019 10:44

Coming back to this, I felt the need to add,.. there have been times when I have been so so glad that DD is an OC.

DD has had a lot of significant health problems, time in hospital time in a wheelchair etc etc. I've often looked around at other parents on the ward & wondered how the hell they cope with juggling a significantly sick DC with healthy siblings & how hard that must be on siblings & family & I've felt bless that I could concentrate 100% on DD & getting her well again without ever having to feel guilty about neglecting her siblings

scaryteacher · 14/08/2019 11:05

Ds, who is 23, tells me he would have resented a sibling. He has left university without any loans or debts, couldn't have done that with two.

Both my parents were only children, didn't seem to affect them.

I have a brother....I last saw him at Christmas, and don't expect I'll see him til this Christmas, despite us both living in the same country (abroad) about 45 minutes away. We only seem to speak when there is an issue with Mum. I would quite like to see more of him, but this is a decision he made 26 years ago when he married and our parents had split, and he chose Dad, and I didn't. Even when we lived 20 minutes apart in the UK, I'd only see him when I bumped into him in the supermarket.

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