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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask do you think your only child is missing out?

92 replies

Westside1 · 24/05/2019 22:12

I got asked the dreaded question tonight putting her to bed. Mommy can I have a brother? It won’t be happening for a variety of reasons. What is your experience with your only child? Is he or she deprived not having siblings?

OP posts:
angstridden2 · 26/05/2019 23:42

Sorry, double post!

Dixiechickonhols · 26/05/2019 23:46

Mine has never asked for a sibling. She is 13 and knows why she is an only (Due to
my health) she says she is happy she is an only - she can see how she benefits materially and in terms of my time. We got a dog, she jokingly refers to him as her brother. She knows lots of onlies at school and spends lots of time with her best friend who is an only.

Heptapod · 26/05/2019 23:51

Every time these threads come up, what strikes me is that the unhappy only children are talking more about parenting failures than the absence of a sibling, and that they have ridiculously Disney ideas about siblings.

Starlight456 · 27/05/2019 00:06

Yes I don’t particularly get on with my sibling.
I would be no worse off if I was an only child.

Joerev · 13/08/2019 11:23

I was an only child. I hated it. But I hate it even more now. My husband is also an o my child. He loved it. However now we are stuck. For if something happens to us.....our parents can’t help. There is no one there.....this makes me so sad

berlinbabylon · 13/08/2019 11:27

Think of all the threads on here about grandparents favouring the kids of one sibling, or the inheritance battles. Only children avoid both of those problems.

timeforawine · 13/08/2019 11:34

Nope, mine is 3 and i keep asking her if she'd like a brother or sister but she says no, she loves nursery and her 2 best friends are like sisters they are so close, but then she comes home and it's nice and quiet, the toys are all hers and she has all our attention. She always tells us she's happy so i hope she is, she seems to be. We do play with her but she can also play by herself, being an only we get to travel a lot with her too.

Meggie2008 · 13/08/2019 11:42

I'm an only child, and don't feel like I missed out on anything (apart from arguments if most of the siblings I know are to go by!)
My dad is my best friend and I never wanted for anything, and I'm sure I got opportunities that o wouldn't have had if I'd had siblings.
My dad is also an only child, my mum is one of four, and is extremely close to her younger sister, so I see both sides, but can genuinely say ive never wished for siblings.

PinguDance · 13/08/2019 11:48

‘Deprived or not’ really isn’t a good way of looking at it. If you can’t have more kids you can’t so you don’t have to agonise over the decision.

I’m an only child and have never felt ‘deprived’ not having a sibling. I have never seriously wished I had a sibling -I asked my mum once when I was about 7 and she said no. I think the only reason I asked was because everyone’s else had one, which is the same reason I wanted a barbie lunchbox. As an adult I’ve never felt sad about not having siblings. Of families I know I’d say a significant minority have really good sibling relationships as adults and a slight majority are either OK or actively dislike each other.

Either way you’re going to have people who love having siblings, people who hate their siblings, people who like being an only child, people who don’t like it - siblings are absolutely not the critical factor in a happy childhood or adult life.

PinguDance · 13/08/2019 11:50

Also financially I am definitely better off as an adult for being an only child - that’s one solid benefit!

1arlingtonroad · 13/08/2019 11:54

I had an only and as a child growing up he was fine, it’s only now as a teen I think he feels it more. His dad died and apart from very elderly grandparents it’s just him and I and I can tell he wants the family life his friends have.the hustle and bustle of family life and get togethers.
So my advice I have given him is to have more than one

BikeTart · 13/08/2019 11:54

I'm an only child and my experience led me to ensure that I had more than one DC.

But circumstances were not happy so it might have been with different parents I'd have a different view.

PolkaDotted · 13/08/2019 11:56

I didn't miss out at all. The more I hear about other people's sibling relationships the more grateful I am that I didn't have a sibling. It's often far from the idyllic picture that people have in mind when criticising people for not giving their child a brother or sister.

ChoudeBruxelles · 13/08/2019 11:57

Flip that around. Do you think your one of X child is missing out on one on one time with you, being able to do things which would otherwise be too expensive with 2, 3, 4 ... kids? Is your one of 2, 3, 4 ... kids missing out on the ability to spend time alone and learn to be self-sufficient?

People are so rude. I'm an only child, DS is an only child. Just the way it worked out. Same way some people have a dozen kids. It's entirely up to them.

whothedaddy · 13/08/2019 12:00

My DD (9) has wanted a sibling since she could speak. I was a single parent until she was 5. By the time me and my partner were in a settled relationship my career was taking off and his job meant he travelled a lot. Not an ideal situation to bring another child into. Now the gap is just too big IMO

I think DD would have been an amazing big sister, all her little cousins worship her. But she understands if she were to have a sibling now the house would be louder, sleep would be interupted, mummy time would be less, she would have to share everything, she wouldn't be able to do all the clubs and travel she does.
Would she like a sibling, yes. Does she want to compromise the lifestyle she has, no.

familycourtq · 13/08/2019 12:02

Dd asked for a sibling on her Christmas list one year. We were unable to have any more - made me cry. But no point in overthinking it.

Sotiredofthislife · 13/08/2019 12:02

I’m an only child. Never bothered me as a child and as a young adult, I know I benefitted from help at university in particular. I wasn’t spoilt - money (or lack of) caused my mum a lot of anxiety so there was a tendency to hang on to it and so am still disgruntled, at the age of 49, that there were no roller boots when everyone had a pair! I am reasonably sociable and always had friends round etc. I am also very comfortable on my own and can manage long periods of time alone. No issues with holidaying alone, going to the cinema, eating out alone etc. Whether this is my personality generally or as a result of being an only child, I don’t know but probably a bit of both.

Where I have suffered (if that’s the correct word) is in dealing with my parent’s old age, illness and their deaths. I really wish I hadn’t had to do all that alone. And I wish there was someone other than my children with which to share memories. On the plus side, I inherited everything so that was a nice plus. It really is swings and roundabouts.

Hithere12 · 13/08/2019 12:06

Best mate siblings is mostly t.v. nonsense

No they aren’t 😳 I’d have hated growing up without my sister and having to live with just adults.

RockinHippy · 13/08/2019 13:34

No, absolutely not.

DD is an only as I didn't realise at the time of trying for a second that I had health problems that would make that very difficult if not impossible. Too late by the time I was finally diagnosed & treat.

Yes she's asked about siblings when smaller, but I can count FAR more times that she has expressed relief that she doesn't have siblings, as her friends siblings fight all the time, invade bedrooms, have to share rooms etc.

At 16 she now loves it. She's also a very thoughtful sharing teenager, so it certainly hasn't done her any harm

teacakes44 · 13/08/2019 14:47

Siblings are irreplaceable. I don’t live in my sister or brother’s pocket but when a crisis has hit they have both been there for me.
I am sorry to say that even best, best, best friends however marvellous (& they are)don’t have your mum & dad as their mum & dad. Only my brother, sister & me can laugh at disastrous holidays & family catastrophes from the same point of view. When I had my eldest I remember thinking oh shit I’m going have to go through this all again cos I couldn’t stand the thought of him being alone in the world. BUT everyone is different, this is just my option. I always think with this though, if you’re asking the question, you know the answer!

HavelockVetinari · 13/08/2019 14:59

I think if you're an only child it's hard when your parents get old and need care. Even if they've financially planned for it it's still a massive burden on only children who have to make decisions about their parent's care, visit them, sort out their possessions etc. Just look on the Elderly Parents board.

(I have an only btw, I'm not putting the boot in).

SweetCabbage · 13/08/2019 15:02

Having siblings is far from a guarantee of help. It's often left to one person anyway in my experience working in care and caring for family members. I've been a carer for two family members and I'd have been far more resentful if I'd had a sibling who could help out but didn't than when I had to do everything alone. Also when the siblings have different ideas about how to care for their parent things can really go to hell.

RockinHippy · 13/08/2019 15:04

It isn't always that way Teacakes, my golden child sibling has been a first class manipulative pain in the ass since he could talk & we've had years of NC as a result. Things are okay now, probably only because he became ill & we lost our DM, but I still have to play it very carefully with him. I've had far better relationships with friends 🤷‍♀️

SweetCabbage · 13/08/2019 15:04

Also, if your sibling is born with severe disabilities or develops them they can be yet another person you have to worry about and care for. My Mother loved her brothers but they developed their own issues and became a major source of stress and worry for her, and didn't help her with parental care.

TSSDNCOP · 13/08/2019 15:30

I read once that only children make the best best friends. DS is an only and we are a very close circle of 3. I make sure that his friends are invited regularly and will happily take a car load to the park or beach. We have already made provision for our retirement and old age as I don’t want him to shoulder a burden that may in other circumstances be shared with siblings.