To not know what to do anymore about filthy messy dh and ds?

[Smallpotatosmallpotato]

I am literally at the end of my tether.

Dh and ds are messy, filthy people, and I can't cope with it anymore.

I'll start with ds. He's 11. I have tried EVERYTHING, cleaned his room with him, banned his PS4, given him lists of jobs. He still reverts back to his old ways. He just leaves everything lying around everywhere. I've asked him over and over again not to take food and juice upstairs because he leaves wrapper, banana skins, crumbs and spilt drinks. He stops for a while then I find it all again.

Dh, he does a bit, but everything is half a job, and he does nothing beyond picking up toys/clothes and running the vac round. I have to do all the cleaning or it just wouldn't get done. For example, I cook a nice meal last night. He was supposed to clean up afterwards. So he loads the dishwasher and that is literally it. He leaves half the pans 'to soak' in the sink, the chopping board discarded, doesn't wipe the table or the work surface. Then just leaves it, for weeks if I don't do it.

He leaves all his crap lying around everywhere. Receipts, letters, tools.

I have told him, over and over and over. He gets defensive, says just leave it and he will do it, then makes a big display of banging around clearing up, then just immediately goes back to his old ways.

I have gathered all his crap up and put it in a box, I've gone on strike. Nothing works. I'm beginning to think he'll never ever change.

I want to leave him, because I resent living in a house with another fully grown adult who doesn't do his share of housework.

Yes I did know what he was like. He's a typical one who's mother did everything for him and his father.

He was messy and grubby when he lives alone.

Why did I expect any different? I was kidding myself that his good qualities would outweigh all of this. He works hard, he dies a lot of diy, he's not as bad as some men and so on, making excuses.

I want to leave him, because I resent living in a house with another fully grown adult who doesn't do his share of housework.

You're still going to be left with a preteen who is eqully as messy, and he's old enough to vote with his feet if he chooses.

He gets defensive, says just leave it and he will do it, then makes a big display of banging around clearing up, then just immediately goes back to his old ways.

What you actually man is : everything isnt being done to your time frames and diktats. Perhaps he's sick of the smell of burning martyr ?

Tell him. Sort himself out or the marriage is in trouble. But you have to mean it. Do you?

I'm not a martyr. I just expect my husband to behave like a reasonable and responsible adult.

It's nothing to do with things not being done to my timescales. His timescales are never.

Leave him. He won't change because he doesn't need to change.

So either you accept this is your life for the next 50 years or you don't.

I really don't think men realise how much of a drip-drip destroyer of relationships such behaviour actually is.

Is there anyone you could actually stay with for a few days to see if they would clear up after themselves in order to get you back? Kids here only bring water into their rooms - no food. Ban food from your Ds room - if he needs to eat he does so in the kitchen. Does he spend much time in his room, do homework there etc? If so change this arrangement and have his bedroom for dressing, reading, sleeping only - definitely no tv or consoles. You can possibly change Ds ways as he's young, but then again he sees his dad is a slob and mostly gets away with it, so probably thinks he can do the same.

Does your Dh mess your bedroom? If so move into another room if you have one and at least you'll have one nice fresh room to escape to and sleep in. I wouldn't be able to share a bed with Dh if he was such a slob. Don't envy you at all, it would do my head in and you did well to put up with it for so long. He should pay for a cleaner if he's not arsed doing it himself.

You're still going to be left with a preteen who is eqully as messy, and he's old enough to vote with his feet if he chooses.

There's no way ds would prefer to live with dh if that's what you're referring to. Dh is constantly moaning at ds despite being just as bad himself. They wouldn't last 5 minutes.

When dh has a week off work he's pulling his hair out after 5 minutes with the dc and the mess (we have pre schoolers too). I'm like "I do this all the time as well as going to work".

You leave.

You literally pack a bag and you go. You leave a note saying you can't take it any more, you'll be in touch to sort out everything but you have snapped. You don't want to be at home any more, it doesn't feel like a home, it feels like a pig sty where you are basically totally disrespected. You don't really know what you are going to do yet but you simply can't carry on.

Your DS is 11, not a baby.

Your DH - this would either be the wake up call that he will lose his home and family if he doesn't fucking grow up and get his priorities straight, or it won't.

And you'll split.

But do this now for the sake of your DS if no-one else. One day, he might end up in a happier, more equal relationship as a result of you saying 'no more' and meaning it.

Pack and book a travelodge, or go to a friend's for this weekend. And don't make plans to come back until you've seen the response from your pig of a H.

Oh you have preschoolers too?

Then you go twice as quickly.

Happy days half term for pig-sty man.

Food is banned from his room, with consequences, that I stick to. But he still sneaks food up there.

We don't have a spare room, our bedroom isn't too bad, it's mainly the kitchen bathroom and sitting room, hallway too. If there's a sura e dh will dump crap on it, never to be picked up again.

I couldn't leave ds, despite him driving e insane. He'd be distraught. Also, I actually find that when dh works away that ds isn't so bad. I make him help more and he does do it, he's worse when dh is home and they seem to lock horns.

Then you need to stay put and tell your H you want to separate, and just get onto it.

Seriously - it won't change. And the reason it won't change is because he has no respect for you, and thinks if he bats you off, you'll get back in your box.

Sorry to hear this - I think if a parent has bad habits/traits , whether that be messiness, laziness or refusing to eat healthily then it is doubly difficult to enforce that with our DCs.

He won’t change because currently, he has no reason to. You’re obviously always going to be there to do it for him eventually so he can just leave things messy. Your DS has simply learnt from the best...

My tip is to leave their mess well alone. Eventually it will get so bad that your DH can’t cope and your DS won’t be able to find his PE kit or whatever it may be and they will reach a meltdown. Hopefully then they will see how much you actually do and sort shit out.

You do also need to have very strong words with your DH about it, outline what you have posted on here.

Do you give DS pocket money?
Do not give it to him until you have seen that his room is tidy. (Only works when you give cash, weekly.)
DH? Hmm, not sure how to do equivalent!

The crux of it is, dh doesn't care about living in a shithole. So long as he's got cleanish plates and cups, clothes, and a free space on the work top. He doesn't care about anything else.

He might care, if he lost his wife, he'd also be losing cooked meals every night. He might care if the house got really, really bad.

The truth is though, if I do leave, I'll be taking the dc therefore taking 90% of the work with me. Happy days for him.

I do love him, but this issue chips away at the love.

He's not an awful person, he just doesn't like doing housework, doesn't see it as important, doesn't think it's his job? I don't know.

Ds doesn't get pocket money, but I have offered him pocket money to do some basic jobs. Honestly it just doesn't work, he's really really lazy. He will get out of doing anything.

I don't just let him away with things, I do make him do things, but it's hard work having to constantly be at the back of him. He never just does it. I have to spoon feed him.

I used to get annoyed with my DH’s messes but one day I thought well if I’m the cleaning fairy he’s not remembering his messes so I started to leave them.

One example is the bathroom floor - him leaving his dirty clothes on it. I started leaving mine on it too for him to pick up both lots. He picks his own up now and if he forgets again in the future I’ll simply add to the pile.

I really don't think men realise how much of a drip-drip destroyer of relationships such behaviour actually is.

I completely agree with this.

What you actually man is : everything isnt being done to your time frames and diktats. Perhaps he's sick of the smell of burning martyr

God this comment takes me back - and not in a good way. Did you not see this bit from the OP Then just leaves it, for weeks if I don't do it. ?

Basically with people like this they give you three choices:

1. You live in their shite for weeks at a time - because they will NEVER clean up after themselves. This means they win. They don't mind living like a pig.

2. You clear up after them so that you don't live in a pigstye. Another win for them. They don't mind you cleaning up their shit.

3. You keep reminding them. Win again for them because that means you are a nag, a "burning martyr" and therefore can be disregarded because you are just a shouty old nagbag.

My ex was like this and I SO resented him making me into a nag; except when I gave up and left all the shite where it was, in those cases his relatives would then turn up unannounced and look down their noses at ME. Fuck that. My son learned from him despite my efforts and now I won't visit his flat without a hazmat suit. We officially divorced because of his infidelity, but I was SO ready not to live him any more. He ground me down.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Your DH wont change - either live with it or chuck him out (I chose the latter, I just couldnt take it anymore).

With your ds, get him to clean every evening. It probably won’t be much of it’s done on a daly basis. - dirty clothes in laundry, clean clothes away, books/toys away, floor cleared. Write a list with those jobs on it and just get him to do it every day.
It will take about 10 mins but I find it’s the best way. Then the bigger jobs like hoovering and dusting get done on the weekends.

Hi - I empathise and sometimes feel similar - my main thing is that I will hoover/mop whole house and my hubby will pull on old trainers clotted with mud from a walk in the forest then stomp into every room of the house or walk around the kitchen eating a nice crumbly choc ice.... I fantasise about living alone in my own tiny shiny flat... but if your partner is otherwise a good person and you have an otherwise good relationship it's really not worth breaking up a family over - that's not to say you can't improve the situation. I'm sure lie ins in my oasis of calm would soon get old if I had no one to share them with(?!)

My hubby is the same in that he thinks loading the dishwasher is cleaning the kitchen. He thinks if he lived alone his home would be tidier/cleaner even though he has hoovered a couple of times this year (after housework related arguments) and never cleaned the bathroom - covers everywhere in his hair clippings when using electric razor or clippers and does a very poor job of cleaning it up.

However...he is a great dad and spends loads of time with the kids. He often cooks (although gets the mess everywhere) and will do most things to help if I "ask him". What works for us (most of the time) is that I will do more cleaning and suck it up as he takes the kids out to their activities and gives me time to do it - and more time besides. I'm not jealous of him in this arrangement (think trying to entertain a toddler while the older one has a sports or learning class - hard work actually - so putting something on the radio and cleaning is ok for me in exchange.

When it falls down for us is when one of us gets whinging either me about cleaning more or him about taking the kids to their activities more. We have to remember that we are doing different activities but both contribute equally. I am only happy to do more cleaning if he doesn't use running the kids around more against me.

That's not to say I don't complain - I am forever shouting "take your shoes off!" or "get a plate" and your son and husband should try not to take the piss but it is very hard to change them so that's why I suggest you see if you can find a compromise that works for your family.

If they leave their stuff everywhere perhaps you could get a couple of those big bucket tubs (one for each of them) and dump everything of theirs in it and they have to empty it now and then. Only put in the banana skins and juice cartons if you are in a really foul mood! Would a bin in your son's room help him to dispose of his rubbish? Perhaps it is time he stripped his own bed and hoovered his own room once a week (perhaps before being handed his pocket money).

Sorry for the epic reply but (if you have an otherwise good relationship) I wanted to balance out the LTB posts and suggest that equal contributions to the home don't need to mean identical tasks.

You have to be willing to leave over it and he, ultimately, has to want the marriage enough to change.

DS is undoubtedly seeing your DH ignore you and all the household mess, and copying him. He must thing why should I if Dad can get away with it?