To not know what to do anymore about filthy messy dh and ds?

[Smallpotatosmallpotato]

I am literally at the end of my tether.

Dh and ds are messy, filthy people, and I can't cope with it anymore.

I'll start with ds. He's 11. I have tried EVERYTHING, cleaned his room with him, banned his PS4, given him lists of jobs. He still reverts back to his old ways. He just leaves everything lying around everywhere. I've asked him over and over again not to take food and juice upstairs because he leaves wrapper, banana skins, crumbs and spilt drinks. He stops for a while then I find it all again.

Dh, he does a bit, but everything is half a job, and he does nothing beyond picking up toys/clothes and running the vac round. I have to do all the cleaning or it just wouldn't get done. For example, I cook a nice meal last night. He was supposed to clean up afterwards. So he loads the dishwasher and that is literally it. He leaves half the pans 'to soak' in the sink, the chopping board discarded, doesn't wipe the table or the work surface. Then just leaves it, for weeks if I don't do it.

He leaves all his crap lying around everywhere. Receipts, letters, tools.

I have told him, over and over and over. He gets defensive, says just leave it and he will do it, then makes a big display of banging around clearing up, then just immediately goes back to his old ways.

I have gathered all his crap up and put it in a box, I've gone on strike. Nothing works. I'm beginning to think he'll never ever change.

I want to leave him, because I resent living in a house with another fully grown adult who doesn't do his share of housework.

Leave. Temporarily. Let your DS be distraught. He’ll be distraught in years to come when his wife leaves him for being a slob after posting on MN about her messy pig of a husband who takes after his messy pig of a father.

The truth is though, if I do leave, I'll be taking the dc therefore taking 90% of the work with me. Happy days for him.

I have to address this separately. OP do you just see your kids as work? Do you ever all go out together, have fun together? Do you play? You all seriously need to reconnect, you need to stop seeing everything as being the be on of your resistance, and you need to get out, get a hobby, get some time to y o urself- something!! Your 11 year old is still only a child. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm nagging but I'm just worried at how miserable it all sounds at yours.

Sadly, there are two options here:

1. Accept you married a slob. He will only change with enough reason to. Therefore, have a zero tolerance clean side policy. Declutter everything and have boxes for the toys. Add another one for DH. Anything of his goes into a box. If it's not removed and put away within a week ( or when the box is full), bin it. You simply stop expending mental energy on it. Regarding the messy floors and sides, get a dishwasher and cleaner. Again, reduce the energy on it.

In regards to your son, Xbox and WiFi password will be given after the daily room inspection. When he tries to shortcut the process by hiding stuff: no password until it's cleaned up. TBH, just getting rid of snacks from the house for a while may help. Again, this is about your time and energy. As he gets older, you can apply more natural consequences: e.g. if he forgets to run the washing machine, he gets no clean clothes.

2. Accept you no longer wish to live like this and request a separation.

That's it. He is not going to change.

I just expect my husband to behave like a reasonable and responsible adult.
But plenty of adults do NOT care about tidiness and cleanliness and that's their right too. Just because you want things decent doesn't make them wrong, it just makes you incompatible.Personally I do like everything clean but I've known plenty of people who just don't notice the thick layer of dust or the piles of clutter. I couldn't live with them and I doubt they could live with me. You need to look for compromises, not insisting everything is done to your satisfaction.

Are we married to the same man? I stopped doing anyy of my husbands stuff. I have started putting all his crap that he dumps on surfaces in the bin (unless it's something useful) any washing doesn't get done unless he puts it in the laundry basket. We met when he was 31 and his flatmate could no longer afford the rent so he (dh) moved back home to his parents, his mum would tidy his bedroom! We went on holiday and came back to his bedroom fully redecorated, his new TV mounted on the wall etc. I frequently tell my MIL it's her fault he's a lazy arse. It is the one thing dh and I bicker about, he genuinely does not see the mess he creates. We've lived together for 5 years now, and he is slowly getting better. The bathroom floor is clear and he puts his toothbrush back in the holder. The next 5 years plan is to get him to stop dump his shite on any surface available.

You could try the bin bag method, but you have to be ruthless. Done correctly it could be the shock they need.

Literally everything that is out of place goes in a bin bag and goes out to the bins. I only had to do it once with my two when they were about 9 and 11. I was sick of hearing myself nag them to put stuff away, so one day out of sheer desperation I got a bin bag and put everything that was lying around and I put it in the bag. They came back from school to find empty floor space and most of their toys/games/clothes missing. Huge tantrums and sulks from both of them for days. But it worked until they got to late teens/just about to leave home/serious exams to study for and then I did cut them some slack. I didn't replace what I chucked although I did hide some of the better or sentimental stuff for a few months. It might work with your son. Your husband - have you told him how it makes you feel ? Have you told him that you're seriously considering whether to stay ? If you have then you have a choice to make and neither will be easy, but at least if you leave you won't end up bitter and twisted.

As for being judged by visitors (they can fuck off) just say "sorry for the mess, OH doesn't like to live in a clean & tidy house".

Leave your son is copying his father I suspect that once he isnt there he will be better all the time

Your son sounds totally normal. Your husband is taking the piss. He pays lip service to you because he knows (thinks) if he does, you will get bored and he can carry on as before. He has no respect for you.
You have to tell him straight that it can't continue or you will separate (you have to mean it though).

Although when I've taken all electronics
away before he goes outside to play

Surely the answer to this is quite obvious?

Surely the answer to this is quite obvious?

Yes, but when you're distracted cooking or putting washing away you don't always notice, until you do notice. Then it might be time for ds to go off to Scouts or rugby or whatever.

But I think that as many posters have pointed out, ds is probably fairly typical of many 11 year olds. Which is why it's much more manageable when dh is away.

When dh is here it becomes like having an extra child, because he creates more mess than he picks up.

Mine used to be like this.

I would literally blow my top, I would just stand in a room and scream then when they appeared I would shout about the mess. It would get tided there and then. Apparently I can be quite scary.

I would find all DH papers and make a neat pile of them time after time after time until he got the message deal with them or sort through the pile. He now puts papers away because he did that 'man looking' so could never find what he was looking for.

Both will tidy up/put away far more than before, I do the dusting/hoovering but I don't mind as there isn't a ton of crap to move first.

You have my sympathy OP because it really can ruin a relationship.

This would seriously affect me I can’t live in a untidy house. Couldn’t sleep at night.
Tell them both this is it clean up after yourselves or I’m leaving.
You have to mean it though.
If he just doesn’t care, maybe you’re simply not compatible. It would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.

I would just refuse to cook for dh until the whole kitchen is clear and clean.
And I know this always gets said on these threads but getting a cleaner in fortnightly is a saviour for us because we both have to tidy everywhere the night before she comes so that she can clean. We find this far easier than before when there was no fixed deadline for a big tidy.

I would sit your DH down and tell him that you are at the end of your tether with how differently you both feel about cleaning up and housework. Tell him you are considering leaving but you’d like to try counselling first.

Hopefully a counsellor can help you both come to and stick to an agreement. If not, or if he refuses to go, then I’d leave.

I've just spent ONE HOUR cleaning our downstairs loo. When my DH and stepson go in there next, they won't notice any difference. Some people just have different ideas about what constitutes 'clean'.

I think you could be on a loser when it comes to trying to change your DH. He obviously feels the housework is your domain, since he's out at work all day, and does DIY, presumably at the weekends (woop-de-doo!). Centuries of tradition are on his side - he's just 50 years behind the times. And he won't change, because you have made it clear that you set the required standards of housework and therefore have effectively trapped yourself into making it your job.

Responsible adults make arrangements for their housework to get done. And he has: he's married someone who will do all the jobs he leaves undone/half-finished and will enable him to continue leaving them that way. It works for him!

Could you get him to take over other household responsibilities such as cleaning and maintaining the car, gardening, giving the kids their baths, and count it as a win every time he does at least part of a job?

Can I just point out you never hear anyone say "but she's a great Mum"... When discussing how trampy a woman is if she is also a pigsty dweller/creator...

So why do men get a free pass for being fuckwits who can't be arsed to remember to pick up a mop and do the kitchen?! Just because "they're a good Dad".

Jesus fucking wept. They are not a good parent if they are being a lazy, entitled cunt.

What doesn't get put away goes in a bin bag. Give a warning 1 hour after everyone is home that it's bag time. Bags go in garage.

"where are my keys" .."In the bag"
"Mum where is my school bag" "In the bag"

They either put it away or have to rummage, and as time goes on rummaging will get harder.

Similarly with DS's washing. Go and take every unfolded thing stuffed somewhere in his room, put it in a bag and put it in the garage. Eventually they will have to crack, and with the reduced worry about the mess, you can carry on making your little slice of the world clean and tidy with no nagging.

She can't get a cleaner - there's too much crap about to clean round.

I bet your house never gets decorated either for the same reason.

Your younger DC will have the same issues if you carry on as you are.

Do you both own your house?

You could :

Strike for months, till dh realizes

Move out for a week

Or tell him you'll hire a cleaner, for him to pay, until he gets a grip. If he/you can't afford it, tell him he has to work extra hours either at work or doing his share.

Leaving seems drastic, but if really bad, a solution.

My ex was like this. Made a big deal of how he was going to clean and tidy but actually just made a big pile of stuff I stead of putting it back where it belonged

I asked the 5 yo to tidy her stuff and she just put it in a pile cos that's what daddy does.

It's much tidier now he has gone!

The bin bag method is very very effective.

Also like hell would my son be brought to scouts or rugby if his room/jobs weren't completed.

It must be hell living in a messy house.

My house is extremely tidy and organised and has been commented upon always.

A huge part of the reason is that my DH is a tidy man and picks up after himself.

Thus the children had not one but two parents encourage them to tidy after themselves.

Your husband being a dirty slob is the problem.
If you can go away, it is a great idea.

Why shouldn't your 11 year old know that mummy is very unhappy that nobody helps her in the house.
It certainly wouldn't stop me telling my children.
Your son knows it upsets you but like your husband he doesn't give a damn.
It's about time you gave them a lesson in choices and consequences.

I have made it very clear to my children on occasion that I am nobody's skivvy.

Your life is not going to improve until you find the energy to deal with this.

Good luck.

Op l would tell Ds that you will be throwing out everything he leaves lying around and do it for a week, sweep it into a bin bag and hide it....

Let him panic for his clothes,football boots etc.....for a while. than produce it and tell him next time its for real...really let it sink in and repeat as necessary. For this to work you have to be willing to carry through.
As for Dh tell him and actually bin some stuff!

I like the sound of the bin bag method, I think to be effective you'll have to go through with it though, empty threats won't help as they'll never think you'll actually do it until its done!

My DS worked abroad, house share, he was puzzled when the crockery he had used disappeared, he ran out after a bit. Found it outside, one of his housemates had just put it in a bucket outside when he left it lying around. That shocked him into cleaning up after himself.

I once opened the bedroom window lobbed everything on the floor out of the window, hoovered the floor and made the bed. It was raining.

The only way to deal with these nasty slobs is to leave them. He might be happy to live in the pigsty but you don't have to. Believe me, you will be surprised at how little housework you've got to do once you free from him. Your son won't have his dad's example to follow and will improve. You won't resent doing the housework that still will be there because it will be YOUR mess, not some lazy-arse's who doesn't give a shit because he's got a maid.