To not know what to do anymore about filthy messy dh and ds?

[Smallpotatosmallpotato]

I am literally at the end of my tether.

Dh and ds are messy, filthy people, and I can't cope with it anymore.

I'll start with ds. He's 11. I have tried EVERYTHING, cleaned his room with him, banned his PS4, given him lists of jobs. He still reverts back to his old ways. He just leaves everything lying around everywhere. I've asked him over and over again not to take food and juice upstairs because he leaves wrapper, banana skins, crumbs and spilt drinks. He stops for a while then I find it all again.

Dh, he does a bit, but everything is half a job, and he does nothing beyond picking up toys/clothes and running the vac round. I have to do all the cleaning or it just wouldn't get done. For example, I cook a nice meal last night. He was supposed to clean up afterwards. So he loads the dishwasher and that is literally it. He leaves half the pans 'to soak' in the sink, the chopping board discarded, doesn't wipe the table or the work surface. Then just leaves it, for weeks if I don't do it.

He leaves all his crap lying around everywhere. Receipts, letters, tools.

I have told him, over and over and over. He gets defensive, says just leave it and he will do it, then makes a big display of banging around clearing up, then just immediately goes back to his old ways.

I have gathered all his crap up and put it in a box, I've gone on strike. Nothing works. I'm beginning to think he'll never ever change.

I want to leave him, because I resent living in a house with another fully grown adult who doesn't do his share of housework.

Oh my word, it's like your'e describing my husband! I was at the end of my tether and a few years ago questioning how our relationship could continue. This is what I've done. I went through the whole house room by room and removed everything that wasn't useful so I was left with bare minimum/essentials/few ornaments (took a few months) this meant that I removed everything that was his and shoved into a 'space' out of view. I did this with my stuff too and the dc's. I now have a large plastic box next to his side of the bed where I throw everything, I mean EVERYTHING of his that he leaves around the house which have homes for. We live in a small house so really not that much extra effort to put an item away. I also have a box by the back door in which goes all his tools or items that have crept into the house that belong in the shed. I have a box where all his post/magazines and receipts go into. We then allocate some time either for him or if he's feeling unmotivated then together to go through the boxes so that we have a clean slate again, for a while until the next box clearing. This has worked for us as it means that I'm not getting less frustrated about falling over everything as I just throw it in one of his boxes. He sorts out 'eventually' but thankfully it isn't cluttering up workspaces or dc's aren't playing with dangerous tools. It isn't my ideal but it is our compromise. I have been extremely concerned about my dc's picking up his messy habits so i continue to drill into them, we tidy their room before bed. They are still young so how long this will last I couldn't say.

Kaitlynktm you are sooooo right, whatever I do he wins. If the in laws come round and see HIS mess they judge ME.

As for ds, every day when he gets home I tell him, hang up you coat and bag, give me any letters, put away your shoes. Go and spend 5 minutes picking up stuff in your room. Unless I am right behind him he just doesn't do any of it properly. Even I I am right behind him, the day I'm not, he reverts to type. He makes an unreal amount of mess eating, I've made him clean the table and sweep the floor. It doesn't work.

Dh just lies and makes excuses.

I don't even know why I posted all this to be honest.

I'm stupid for marrying the slob. I'm not a martyr and I'm not obsessively clean I just want everyone to chip in with the cleaning, pick up after themselves, and finish a job they started.

Nothing will ever change I can only leave. I keep thinking I will just live with it for the sake of dhs good points, but then I don't think I can.

with both of them I would just start chucking away anything that is left where it should not be. Clothes on the floor? Bin. Games not put back in boxes? Bin. Food etc should still be punished as its breaking your rules.

Dh work clothes on floor? Bin. If its discarded on the floor then its clearly not needed. They will both soon learn when they are on their last pair of pants!

Your ds is 11 and sounds normal! Mine still have to be nagged every day and I’ll carry on because I’d rather they did their chores than not.
Don’t give up!

With your ds, get him to clean every evening. It probably won’t be much of it’s done on a daly basis. - dirty clothes in laundry, clean clothes away, books/toys away, floor cleared. Write a list with those jobs on it and just get him to do it every day.
It will take about 10 mins but I find it’s the best way. Then the bigger jobs like hoovering and dusting get done on the weekends.

Cross posted, I do, I have him do it little and often, but it doesn't work. He just ignores me, he pretends to go and do it but doesn't. Or he will shove all his clean washing in the basket, or under his wardrobe, or all the dirty stuff back in the drawers. Stuff like that. I'm busy with making dinner etc. I do send him back to do it properly, but it's a drain every single day.

I feel exhausted and like crying just writing it.

I haven't brought him up like this. You know, I've always tried to make him independent, to clear up after himself, I've helped him, I e shown him, I wrote him lists, I've put in consequences. He is just so so lazy.

The truth is though, if I do leave, I'll be taking the dc therefore taking 90% of the work with me. Happy days for him.

No, not really.

Firstly you will have stood up for yourself and said that you won't be treated like this.

Secondly you will probably find that your children, including your DS, learn from it. No longer will they have Daddy's example in their faces. You say too that your DS and him clash - that's also something to think about.

Finally, I bet you would be surprised about 90% of the work... no. Thread I was reading the other day had about six or seven women comment on how surprised they were at the drop in the general level of work and picking up and sorting shit there was when it was just them as the only adult! You'd have less to do. Stuff would stay put. And you'd just not feel as if you were being taken the piss out of.

Your DS is 11 now. In a couple of years he'll be a teenager who, with the right atmosphere around him, will be able to work out that keeping to general cleanliness rules and helping out means more xbox, or more pocket money, and generally a better life at home. That's a very valuable lesson to teach him, and one your DH's presence is literally preventing him from learning.

Dh is a tiny bit of a hoarder too. I've thrown stuff away for him to get it back out of the bin.

So you married him knowing what he was like and now he hasn't changed that's his fault? I have an adult son and DH who are just like this, fortunately I (although not as bad) am too. I can let the mess get to a certain level then have to deal with it - but I make them do it with me. DS bedroom - I leave it. I don't go in there at all - and he does clear it - eventually - when it gets too bad even for him. You need to switch off or you will go mad. Either that or leave.

He doesn't think it's his job because it's never been his job.

Why don't you just leave now and stay in a Travelodge for a week and then see if theres any changes? If not then I'd get rid of the husband and let your son live with him and then see him on a weekend for a day like men do.

Fizzygreenwater when dh is working away it's actually easier. I don't know how or why, but it is.

I think because I just do things properly and efficiently, I also make ds help and he doesn't play his face up as much, again, I don't know why, but he seems more willing when dh isn't here. I honestly can't put my finger on why.

Would turning off the WiFi help to motivate your 11 yo?

I could leave, it's just a big scary step.

Instead I always think right, this weekend I'm going to get them both to help, and we will start a fresh. Never lasts though does it?

I know me moaning on here won't change a thing. I know that. I know it's going to take something drastic.

Don't blame his mother, you can see for yourself how hard it is to get through to a child.

With your ds I think you need to be active at helping him keep on top of his mess. Reminders/enforcement, every day if necessary. Probably for a few years yet.

Your dh - get rid. He's not willing to pull his weight and you resent that (don't blame you).

My dh grew up in a household where everything was done for him. Luckily my PiL didnt fail to teach him to be a decent human being, even if they didn't show him how to work the washing machine. He looked after himself for many years (housework isn't rocket science, he soon figured it out) and has always pulled his weight with children and home.

He sees his father doing it and copied him. If you are the only influence around him (when your dh is away), he’s more likely to be influenced by you. Monkey see, monkey do and all that

19lottie82, yes quite possibly. Although when I've taken all electronics away before he goes outside to play

*Fizzygreenwater when dh is working away it's actually easier. I don't know how or why, but it is.

I think because I just do things properly and efficiently, I also make ds help and he doesn't play his face up as much, again, I don't know why, but he seems more willing when dh isn't here. I honestly can't put my finger on why.*

You do though. It's because your DH isn't there, being slobby, and your DS isn't thinking 'why do I have to do these things if dad doesn't?'

It’s better when your husband isn’t there because you aren’t having to clear up after him.
Your son is taking his lead from his dad, so when h isn’t there he does as he’s told.
Sounds like h makes more mess than helps clear up and they’re are 3 kids in the house.
I’d be spitting chips at this. So disrespectful.

re: your son
He is still young at 11. It is great you are teaching him to tidy up after himself but at this age I think it is reasonable that you have to nag and stand over him AKA "explain and supervise". Now some posters will say "my 11 year old clears up after themselves and cooks dinner for the family on a Sunday" but they are all different. My eldest is 9 and still can't wash in the bath without being nagged. He wafts the flannel around and until quite recently when put under pressure to "wash!" simply says "scrubba dubba dub" while doing nothing! He is academically clever but not practical at all! I fear I will have to pop over when he goes to uni and say "start with your face...."

You sound very tired and fed up in general and I think this is meaning you don't have the energy to face the ordinary household battles. I think anything you can do for you at the moment will be a good thing. Can your partner do the night (if your kids have night demands) and either take them out for the day tomorrow or you all go for a picnic (whatever you prefer) so you can regain a little energy before you try to find an agreement with your partner.

How many children do you have and what are their ages? How much do you and hubby work outside the home? Do you do any activities for you outside the family? Do you get any time alone? I think all of these answers would affect your energy and how you feel about the sharing of tasks in the home.

@UnicornBrexit an acceptable timeframe for wiping a table is not weeks. He's being pathetic.

I know people will boo and hiss but you need a cleaner. It will save your sanity.

My ex was the same. It wasn’t the mess and piles of random possessions left everywhere that finished the marriage off in the end but I resented him for turning our lovely house into a shithole. In hindsight I think his inability to tidy or clean was part of having ADHD. He would start tidying a room but never ever finished. Just going to tidy up a bit in my study was an ongoing process with no visible improvement to the mess ever happening.

It’s heaven to live in a tidy little flat now. Yes you have your DS but he is hopefully still not a lost cause in terms of being acceptably tidy, though my DD is still not a tidy adult I have to say but she now has her own home to be messy in not mine.

I think a question to ask yourself is do you still love and enjoy your DH? Does he support you in any way, listen to you, do stuff together with you that you enjoy etc? If not then yes it’s a scary step to leave but I wish I’d done it years before I actually plucked up the courage to finally do it as life without him is so much more enjoyable, calm, tidy and simple than it was with him.

Do what Boysey says. Just tell them you're exhausted from running about after them and you're having a holiday. Stay away for a week (or two!) and see how dh manages all of it.

When you get home sit him down and have a proper talk about it, you may need to use shock tactics and call him a slob etc. If he doesn't pay attention, then you know what to do.

This is something I'm afraid you'll have to continue to work on. You're fed up of nagging your d's but I'm afraid according to everyone I know, the nagging does continue to adulthood. ( my eldest is 11 too) . Much as you feel like giving up it's up to you and your dh. As for your dh banging etc when he says he'll do it himself, let him b a ng and moan, it has to be done! I would think there's other issues with the both of you if you're even considering leaving. I have the ladies of the lazy and we crash into each other on issues like this but at the end of the day everything else totally outweighs the butting of heads, constant nagging etc.

Sorry that's lasiest of the lazies!!