To not know what to do anymore about filthy messy dh and ds?

[Smallpotatosmallpotato]

I am literally at the end of my tether.

Dh and ds are messy, filthy people, and I can't cope with it anymore.

I'll start with ds. He's 11. I have tried EVERYTHING, cleaned his room with him, banned his PS4, given him lists of jobs. He still reverts back to his old ways. He just leaves everything lying around everywhere. I've asked him over and over again not to take food and juice upstairs because he leaves wrapper, banana skins, crumbs and spilt drinks. He stops for a while then I find it all again.

Dh, he does a bit, but everything is half a job, and he does nothing beyond picking up toys/clothes and running the vac round. I have to do all the cleaning or it just wouldn't get done. For example, I cook a nice meal last night. He was supposed to clean up afterwards. So he loads the dishwasher and that is literally it. He leaves half the pans 'to soak' in the sink, the chopping board discarded, doesn't wipe the table or the work surface. Then just leaves it, for weeks if I don't do it.

He leaves all his crap lying around everywhere. Receipts, letters, tools.

I have told him, over and over and over. He gets defensive, says just leave it and he will do it, then makes a big display of banging around clearing up, then just immediately goes back to his old ways.

I have gathered all his crap up and put it in a box, I've gone on strike. Nothing works. I'm beginning to think he'll never ever change.

I want to leave him, because I resent living in a house with another fully grown adult who doesn't do his share of housework.

I think, before you leave him, you should have a serious talk with him about exactly how much housework genuinely NEEDS to be done. How often does the floor need hoovering, how often does the loo need cleaning, how often do beds need changing, how many loads of washing need to be washed and dried and ironed and folded every week? How often should surfaces be cleared and items on them put away? And how many of that absolute minimum is he prepared to do? What does HE consider to be 'a fair share' of the housework? My parents lived in two separate houses for a couple of years (for logistical reasons, not as a separation) and my Dad was mortified to think how much my Mum had had to do while working full-time - he honestly hadn't realised.

Did you come on here to be told to leave him and do you want to leave him? Because nearly every person on here advises people to leave their partners as if it is a very simple easy thing to do. If you want to leave them fine.
I am not excusing his behaviour but I if he's a good dad, a good partner, etc there are a lot worse things than lack of cleaning. As you say he has always been this way and will never change because that's the way he is. If you leave you will have to do 100% of the cleaning etc anyway.
I know of a few couples who live in pig styes where neither of them wants to clean etc and they are very happy! It only goes wrong when your very different to each other.
I get on my husbands nerves because hes the cleaning one and I'm the messy one but I couldn't imagine separating over it

Daydreamer24 of course I don't want to leave him. But I'm frustrated and resentful. I can't even explain it fully because I'd be here all day.

For example he has never ever even once cleaned the bathroom. Ever. I can't stress that enough, I don't mean hardly ever I mean never. The only time he has come close is when one o the dc have been ill and been sick on the floor and he's 'helped', and then he doesn't know what to do. Once ds shit on the bathmat. He had terrible diarrhoea and he got off the toilet to go into the shower and dripped shit on the mat. Dh was just totally oblivious. He'd have just left it there. That's just one tiny example. But there are hundreds more.

Now you could say cleaning the bathroom only takes 30 minutes, what's the big deal. I could just do it and get him to do something else, but the way I feel is he fucking uses the bathroom, why won't he take a turn of cleaning it. Yes I have told him this, he says that's fine, he will do it, but he just doesn't, then he says he hasn't had time, but that's just bollox isn't it? Because it takes 30 minutes to clean the bathroom.

I've told him how it makes me feel, I've told him how often these jobs need doing, he's not fucking stupid, he says for me to just leave it and he will do it, but he doesn't.

I'll be totally honest here my bathroom hasn't been cleaned now for a month, I have wiped the toilet sink and bath but nothing else, he just doesn't care. As far as dh is concerned as long as he's got clean cups and plates, clothes to wear, and the toys are picked up, he doesn't give two hoots about anything else.

when dh is working away it's actually easier. I don't know how or why, but it is.
Maybe something to consider if you ask him to leave

I think because I just do things properly and efficiently, I also make ds help and he doesn't play his face up as much, again, I don't know why, but he seems more willing when dh isn't here. I honestly can't put my finger on why.
Because your son doesn't have a bad example of an adult in front of him disrespecting you. He sees that what you do works when he doesn't have the pie example of his father's influence.

I could leave, it's just a big scary step.
Why should you be the person to leave? Why not the lazy, lying, uncaring husband?

When dh is here it becomes like having an extra child, because he creates more mess than he picks up.

I know me moaning on here won't change a thing. I know that.
It's fine to moan up to a point. That is letting off steam from the situation but yes, you do need to do something "drastic" and mean it - otherwise it's just empty words.

In the meantime stop doing anything for your husband he can do himself if he wishes ie washing, ironing. Anything which does not affect the rest of the family are his responsibility.

I'll be totally honest here my bathroom hasn't been cleaned now for a month, I have wiped the toilet sink and bath but nothing else, he just doesn't care. And there you are. Why would he care if, in the end, he - and your son who's learning from him - knows you will do it?

Poor example not "pie"

Everyone is saying leave. So leave. Go to an Airbnb. Tell hh and DS that you'll be back when the place is clean and tidy. Never mind that DS couldn't cope. It'll be a wake up call for him. A nasty shock is what he needs. ATM it's just a bit of a game. Sneak food upstairs when mum isn't looking. I'd be so

I have exactly the same problem only my ds is a tot but I can already see him learning from his father, he is otherwise amazing.
He always manages to turn it round to somehow be my fault

I did not rtft.
Jez OP this would put me around the bend, if he wasn't willing to make serious changes, I'd considering ending the relationship, it is disrespectful, it would effect my MH.
Get him watching Marie kundo on speed watch if necessary, he can learn, if he is good man he will do his best if it makes you happier.

My ex was a messy, lazy man. He was also a slight hoarder and the rooms in our house used to slowly fill up with piles of his crap. I would clean part of the house, and he would quickly fill all the tidied parts and surfaces with more crap. It was a really miserable and stressful way to live. I'd also get the accusations of nagging if I said anything. (Actually I got told I was a miserable fucking bitch - he was charming as well as messy!).

Although we split up over something else the utter relief at never putting up with his mess again was wonderful. Once it was definitely over I remember getting binbags and piling his stuff into them wishing I'd done it years ago. I remember watching all the surfaces reappearing as I bagged everything up - it was like a miracle!

We've been apart for years now and I still get this wonderful feeling when I look round my (almost!) mess free house and know I'll never have to live among those piles of crap ever again. I find single life a complete joy to be honest

Yes I did know what he was like. He's a typical one who's mother did everything for him and his father.

Sounds like the same set up you have now. You are doing everything for your dh and dd while they disrespect you just as your dh and his dad did to your mil. Fil is to blame for your dh thinking he doesn't have to do housework in the same way your dh is to blame for showing his son it's ok to leave it all to you too.

If you think mil is to blame as she did everything for them then it means you're the one to blame when your adults ds partner is having the same frustrations and blames you for giving in and doing everything for them.

This doesn't sound like one person not seeing dirt, it sounds like one adult thinking it's not their job and leaving it to their wife.

I’ve got the same problem with DH. Clothes abandoned on the floor, wet towels on the bathroom floor, whatever is in his hands left where ever.

So I gave him an ultimatum. This time I’ll pick it up/wash it whatever. Next time? Next time it’s in the bin. I don’t care what it is.

I have had success with this in the past. He had a bad habit of leaving phone/keys on the hob. So I held both over the bin & threatened to toss them. That was four years ago and 90% of the time he remembers to put them away!

I'm messy grubby person. I'm happy that way. If DH divorces me for it, I'll decide he was the unreasonable one.

he says that's fine, he will do it, but he just doesn't, then he says he hasn't had time

This is so familiar - he talks a good story and then does sweet FA and when you point this out - you're nagging.

Mine used to say when I pointed out that he was yet again leaving shite next to his fat arse (well to be fair it wasn't that fat) "Oh that won't take long to clear up" - well fucking DO it then, or do you mean it won't take long for ME to clear up YOUR shite? (Which is what he did mean of course, although he would never admit it).

Although we split up over something else the utter relief at never putting up with his mess again was wonderful

Yes - same here. Sad really after nearly 30 years together, what I felt when he finally left was relief - and relief at taking all his shit to the tip when he decided he didn't want it after all when he moved abroad.

OP you need a DH who will share your load, not add to it.
Couples who play ball together stay together.

There's nothing unreasonable about not wanting to live in a shit tip 😒

Yes, but when you're distracted cooking
or putting washing away you don't always notice, until you do notice.

Well make him come back inside.

Then it might be time for ds to go off to Scouts or rugby or whatever.

If he can’t clear up after himself and do what he’s told, then no rugby or scouts.

Reading with interest.
No man here, but the laziest 11 year old ever.
Its just bloody exhausting living in a mess, nagging about the mess, trying to get motivated when everywhere is messy.

If DH leaves his crap lying around for weeks on end then start binning it. He's unlikely to notice it for ages and then just claim ignorance.

Or (this is what I do) throw it all down his side of the bed. I hoover and clean my half of the bedroom. The first time my other half cleaned/hoovered his side of the bedroom was when his parents came to visit. That was 8 months after we moved in so 8 months of no cleaning/hoovering!!!! That was about a month ago and he hasn't cleaned his area if the bedroom since. His parents coming suddenly had him scrubbing every surface so I left him to it. I'm going to invite them over more often.

Your DS is taking after his dad, but at 11 most kids do this @Smallpotatosmallpotato
Just stop, leave them to live in their mess and you go do something nice.

We had it all out yesterday evening. About how often he cleans and what actually constitutes cleaning and how often it needs doing.

For example he claimed that he cleans the bathroom all the time. What he meant is he wipes the toilet seat round, nothing else.

Anyway, I took ds off to his club and dh cleaned up the kitchen and the bathroom, properly.

It's a start. A lot more was said than just that but I really put it across everything that was annoying me.

Fingers crossed it lasts this time!

I feel your pain. I have similar although my DH isn't quite so bad, and one of the DSs isn't that bad, although the 6yo is starting to follow in his father's footsteps.

One thing I threatened to do that worked with the small children but could potentially work with the big one as well, is to dump all their shit into a binbag. All of it.
then if they want it back, they have to actually put it away, or it goes in the bin.

Might work on your DH if he has to sift through a binbag to find the stuff he needs...

Great, I am glad you had a chat, he needs to understand how unappreciated you feel clearing up after him.
I hope he gets it.

I hope you are going to have the same chat with the children.

Well, I'm glad that he's had a go, at least! I suggest alternating kitchen and bathroom between you, you do kitchen and he does bathroom, then swap round next time.

Otherwise, you're just being his mum aren't you? ( and really you don't want to be shagging your son, so he'd better start behaving like an adult.)