...Or am I being bullied by my H?

[RacheyCat]

I'm sorry, but I can't write DH right now, so I'm shortening it to H.

Periodically, my H wants to watch something on TV which I don't, and he won't take No for an answer. One method he uses is to get me to agree to watch 30 mins, and then we can turn it off if I don't enjoy it, but this often just means we row when I call a veto 30 mins into a show he's enjoying.

Last week, he asked me if I wanted to watch the new Catch 22 series. I said I didn't, because I didn't enjoy the book, and he went off sulking. In a moment of weakness, I followed him and said I'd try it.

Last night, he asked me if I wanted to watch it, and I said maybe tomorrow, but I felt so sad, because I don't want to watch it ever and I felt like I was being set-up, because there's no happy way out for me. Either I watch it and I'm miserable, and have to watch it every week, miserably but quietly, or, I tell him I don't want to watch it and have to deal with his anger. I told him this, and he started quizzing me on why I don't want to watch it, and criticized all of my reasons. As usual, I tried to reason that art is subjective, and you can't actually reason someone into appreciating it very easily, and that I didn't want to be subjected to a barrage of questions. He just got more and more annoyed, and I cried.

One of the things he asked me was when I read the book, and so I said that it was when I was 14. He started saying that I was allowing my 14 year old self to control my life now, and I'm not the same person, but really I feel that I've become less forgiving about things rather than more, as I've got older. FTR, I have a BA in English lit and an MA with a dissertation in literature, I teach textual analysis at a university-I'm not someone who is unsure of their tastes, or unschooled in textual appreciation.

Anyway, he became more and more hostile and started saying he didn't want to be married to a 14 year old. I told him I found his behavior coercive and abusive, and he said that I was abusing him, I guess by refusing to watch a show with him.

I slept on the sofa last night. He won't apologise. This happens too often, and it makes me miserable. I don't want to be harassed and coerced into watching something on TV which I won't enjoy, and I think it's entirely unacceptable that he thinks he can browbeat me into doing what he wants.

AIBU?

We normally take it in turns? I honestly hate those you've been framed shows and they make me so stressed as I just feel like someone is going to break a neck, but my husband loves them so I watch them. I don't want to read too much into it but I can't help thinking you are trying to find an excuse to leave? I don't think trying to make you watch TV is bullying but if you are unhappy you don't need a reason, you can just leave because you don't like him anymore. Also I don't have a master's in English but I still know if I don't like a book

Yanbu. As so many other posters have said, it's not having different views on TV programmes that's the issue here, it's the attempt to force you to watch TV at all.

Sounds like a weird power game. I don't think I'd like this man.

Take a look at other areas of your life together and check whether this behaviour is part of a broader pattern.

Does he normally respect your opinions and autonomy or not?

I’d be wary of trying to adapt how you do things/live your life because of perceived non neuro-typical traits. You shouldn’t have to adapt your behaviour or expectations of being treated with basic levels or respect at all.
I’d be giving him a firm ‘no’ regarding watching things you don’t want to watch and sitting there with a book or doing something else, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Try not to engage in his arguments about why what he likes is best and what you like isn’t. If this ‘defiance’ escalates his behaviour then you know you’ve got a real problem and need to make some decisions about what you want to do.

You're letting his insecurity become your issue. It's not, it's his. What an exhausting way to live.

I'm glad you've told him you won't tolerate this. If he's not neurotypical, it may well be that you just need to get it through to him that his marriage is in danger if he carries on like this, so that he adjusts his thinking to a mindset when he can watch his own choice of TV without needing you to engage.

Is it just over the TV that he is a controlling arse?

Do you do other things together?

Yanbu, he’s being a real bully. How can he possibly think it’s acceptable that he pushed you to tears over this?! He sounds horrible, egotistical, selfish and cruel.

My husband has always had the final say in what we watch. Mostly we agree but if I want to watch "crap" I either record it or watch on catch up.

Only once have I "forced" him to watch what I wanted and it wasn't worth the huffing and puffing and doing everything noisily so I couldn't hear it properly.

It's a pick your battles thing, on the whole he's a good husband, he cooks, cleans up, does the garden.,and was always a hands on dad.

He's an only child and before he met me he lived by himself so I think he is used to doing things for himself and sometimes he finds it hard to let someone else make decisions that affect him.

goose1964 That is insane! So you watch what he likes and he has final say but refuses to sit through your shows and throws a temper tantrum through it? That's not healthy either

He's an only child and before he met me he lived by himself so I think he is used to doing things for himself and sometimes he finds it hard to let someone else make decisions that affect him.

But presumably he's not a child any more...?

He is gaslighting you, OP, when he says you’re abusing him by refusing to watch what he wants.

You say he has some non-NT traits, but please don’t let this cloud the fact that he is being abusive. When he goes off in a sulk, does he refuse to speak to you?

Why can’t he watch it on his own?
Dh has watched a few series I’m not interested in - inc breaking bad (I tried but couldn’t get into it).

YANBU it does sound like bullying, controlling behaviour. Also a little strange!

Me & DH have shows that we enjoy together and some we watch separately. We'll often try a new show and if I don't like it after one episode (or vice versa) we'll just say "carry on on your own with this one".

We only have one TV (it's in the lounge) so if one of us particularly wants to watch one of our 'own' shows, the other will happily read / potter / do something else.

It made me feel quite sad to read your post OP to be honest. You sound like a really capable, intelligent person and I wonder if your husband feels threatened by this? Could you also be making yourself 'less' (the running after him, resigning yourself to watching something you won't enjoy)?

I hope you find a way forward with this, for the sake of your mental wellbeing

It honestly sounds like some strange power play. He wants to demonstrate intellectual superiority and put you down. The idea that you have to be fully engaged in a tv programme and are not permitted to either be elsewhere or to do something else in the same room tips his behaviour from being a bit of a dick about TV into being controlling and a bully.

Catch 22 is a notoriously marmite novel so it’s not surprising that some people are really interested and some totally disinterested in the tv show. Joseph Heller once said he thought it was unfilmable. For what it is worth, it’s one of only 2 novels I haven’t been able to get through. The recent articles about the tv series prompted me to give it another go and I still find it unreadable. My best friend loves it beyond measure and reads it at least once a year. Go figure.

Or you could just watch it?! It's not that long surely

@Vulpine

There is always one

Gosh. Very odd childish behaviour. Just tell him that you don't want to watch it but have no problem with him watching it as you have a good book that you can catch up on. If her persists then a reminder that you don't force him to watch anything etc.

What a stupid argument! Do something else if you don't want to watch and leave him to it!

Is he like this over other issues or it just a bizarre tv show thing? I would never let my dp dictate how I relax in my own home!

Currently my sky+ box is on 65% and DH literally has 1 film and 1 30minute tv show on there that he will watch. The rest is all mine and I wouldn't dream of expecting him to watch them with me. Do you have more than 1 tv in the house OP or a laptop you could watch something else on? I find your H attitude bizarre frankly.

My DH used to hold the remote control, I went batshit one night he honestly did not realise. I tend to record stuff I want to watch, I have my books, netflix, slip on the ear buds which does irritate him when in the adverts he speaks to me and I do not hear but he does ask me now if there is anything I want to watch, if I do we watch it. He enjoys national geographic factual tv, I like a good drama. If you record things you can both pick and choose when to watch.

“People have romantic notions about television. In the highest realms they think it’s some sort of art medium, and it’s not. Others think it’s an entertainment medium, it’s not that either. It’s an advertising medium. It’s a method to deliver advertising like a cigarette is a method to deliver nicotine.”

— Bill Maher

Wtf how on earth is the OP out of order and acting like a child here?? It’s obvious that it’s her DH that’s being ridiculous.

She’s not doing anything wrong at all!

kidsmake: try reading the thread?

How old are you both? Sounds like both 14 if you ask me. Ever considered leaving him to get on with watching stuff he likes and either watching or doing something else yourself? Is there a law that says you have to watch TV together or the world ends?