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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...Or am I being bullied by my H?

107 replies

RacheyCat · 24/05/2019 01:13

I'm sorry, but I can't write DH right now, so I'm shortening it to H.

Periodically, my H wants to watch something on TV which I don't, and he won't take No for an answer. One method he uses is to get me to agree to watch 30 mins, and then we can turn it off if I don't enjoy it, but this often just means we row when I call a veto 30 mins into a show he's enjoying.

Last week, he asked me if I wanted to watch the new Catch 22 series. I said I didn't, because I didn't enjoy the book, and he went off sulking. In a moment of weakness, I followed him and said I'd try it.

Last night, he asked me if I wanted to watch it, and I said maybe tomorrow, but I felt so sad, because I don't want to watch it ever and I felt like I was being set-up, because there's no happy way out for me. Either I watch it and I'm miserable, and have to watch it every week, miserably but quietly, or, I tell him I don't want to watch it and have to deal with his anger. I told him this, and he started quizzing me on why I don't want to watch it, and criticized all of my reasons. As usual, I tried to reason that art is subjective, and you can't actually reason someone into appreciating it very easily, and that I didn't want to be subjected to a barrage of questions. He just got more and more annoyed, and I cried.

One of the things he asked me was when I read the book, and so I said that it was when I was 14. He started saying that I was allowing my 14 year old self to control my life now, and I'm not the same person, but really I feel that I've become less forgiving about things rather than more, as I've got older. FTR, I have a BA in English lit and an MA with a dissertation in literature, I teach textual analysis at a university-I'm not someone who is unsure of their tastes, or unschooled in textual appreciation.

Anyway, he became more and more hostile and started saying he didn't want to be married to a 14 year old. I told him I found his behavior coercive and abusive, and he said that I was abusing him, I guess by refusing to watch a show with him.

I slept on the sofa last night. He won't apologise. This happens too often, and it makes me miserable. I don't want to be harassed and coerced into watching something on TV which I won't enjoy, and I think it's entirely unacceptable that he thinks he can browbeat me into doing what he wants.

AIBU?

OP posts:
redexpat · 24/05/2019 05:25

How very odd. What would happen if you said no I dont want to watch that. Because I dont want to. No I wont watch the first 30 minutes with you because you didnt turn it off when we tried that previously.

Catch 22 is really annoying. Ive tried it 3 times and can never get through the first 50 pages. I also have a BA in english lit.

redexpat · 24/05/2019 05:29

This might help articulate why what he is doing is wrong.
tribune.com.pk/story/1592211/4-broke-tickled-anna-kendrick/

Dee2B · 24/05/2019 05:30

The more you give his mood attention the worse the situation will feel for both of you. Move on! and act totally normal - hopefully help to diffuse the awkwardness.

SinkGirl · 24/05/2019 05:30

I knew there’d be some “omg it’s just TV, get a life” comments 🙄

The things being argued over is not the point. OP is realising that she’s going to cause a negative reaction whatever she does, either sulking or coercion or anger. I suspect if she looks at the relationship more broadly she’ll find other areas where she capitulates or walks on eggshells to prevent sulking / anger.

OP, assuming he’s not violent or threatening, I would just stop. No more tiptoeing around his feelings or going along to prevent a row. If he gets angry or coercive, walk away. When he’s calmer point it out. If he’s not a generally abusive person and doesn’t see what he’s doing then this is the only way to make him aware (been there). Of course if he’s ever shown that he’s capable of violence or severe aggression then don’t wind him up!

MaybeitsMaybelline · 24/05/2019 05:40

Me and DH regularly part ways at 8pm, we don’t watch the same things. I go upstairs and watch tv or go on my iPad.

He is happy to to the upstairs run, but no chance, I’d rather watch tv or read in bed then fall asleep. He comes up when he’s ready to sleep. I have headphones to put on if he wants to sleep and I’m still awake.

GertrudeCB · 24/05/2019 05:40

Very controlling behaviour.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/05/2019 05:42

Well that’s an interesting predicament. You either let your 14 yo self control you..... or you not so ‘d’ h. Hmm Or perhaps as a fully fledged grown up you know your own mind.

Is he like this in other areas?

LaurieFairyCake · 24/05/2019 05:47

He has NO empathy - he can't understand why you don't like something he does, he sees it as a character flaw.

The problem is also he then extrapolates that to you being unsuitable for him and the behaviour you're exhibiting as being 'childish'.

Clearly you're an intelligent and cultured woman. You're not childish, you're not acting as if you're 14 - you just don't like something.

You just need to shrug and refuse to engage - "I don't like this, I tried it, I'm not watching it anymore. This is now your show to watch without me".

And then refuse to discuss it, he doesn't get to force you to talk about it. He will have to come to terms with it.

Ces6 · 24/05/2019 05:54

Sounds like your 14 year old self had more freedom.Sad

Trebla · 24/05/2019 05:54

Your issues are not about a tv program

flumpybear · 24/05/2019 05:55

You 'have' to watch telly with him and fully engage with it - I've never heard anything more ridiculous !!

Me and DH watch things we both fancy unless he goes out to the gym etc or just isn't watching telly. If I go to bed or go out he'll watch the rubbish I hate

Expecting you to watch what he wants and to engage like you're enjoying it, but are not is utter lunacy, beyond controlling and domineering -tell him no you'll do something else thank you - if he splits some bollocks about not wanting to be married to a 14 year old then tell him you don't want to be married to a controlling arsehat

Good luck

BlueBrushing · 24/05/2019 06:06

Don't blow this out of proportion. It's a minor thing where he wants to share something that's important to him with you, and you don't want to. Don't make this about domestic abuse/controlling behaviour. This is so insulting to people in actually domestic abusive situations.

OrdinaryGirl · 24/05/2019 06:09

How is he with respecting your boundaries in other areas, OP?

AnyOldPrion · 24/05/2019 06:12

Definitely controlling behaviour.

Is he controlling about other things too?

How long have you been together. It sounds like a huge red flag and I’d be wary of getting any further in with this man. If you’re not tied to him by children, then don’t go there. He’ll bully them too and they’ll grow up thinking it’s normal behaviour. It isn’t.

Original poster
RacheyCat · 24/05/2019 06:12

You guys saying we need two TV's are so funny! I don't actually want to watch TV. He's welcome to it. There's no power struggle over control of the TV. He actually keeps it in his office.

Anyway, thanks everyone. I have made it plain that I won't tolerate this, and won't provide any further justifications for what I do or don't want to do. You're all correct in saying I should never have engaged in the first place, and this is my thing to work on, I now see.

He is lacking in empathy, as someone said. He's very, very poor at guessing what others are thinking, and then also very scornful of what they're thinking if he believes it's wrong. He has some non-neurotypical traits, and realistically, I should factor this in to how I approach things.

OP posts:
BuildBuildings · 24/05/2019 06:14

He sounds like really hard work.

speakout · 24/05/2019 06:16

I think you are right OP.

I wouldn't even entertain a game like this with my OH, it's beyond ridiculous. Walk away, go read a book, go for a walk, have a bath, watch something on another device.

Is this the only area of control that your OH exhibits in your relationship?

HPFA · 24/05/2019 06:19

What other things do you do together? It's possible that he may just want to connect with you over something. Perhaps it's not a great way of expressing things but I wouldn't assume he's just being bullying without trying to see if there's something else there.

GPatz · 24/05/2019 06:21

'This is so insulting to people in actually domestic abusive situations'.

Speak for yourself.

SunshineCake · 24/05/2019 06:24

Keep that resolve tonight..

Puffkin · 24/05/2019 06:32

Him; “Darling let’s watch” (insert boring shit tv series here)
You: No thanks
Him “whinge whinge, whine whine, blah blah, other stupid crap”
You: “Fuck off you controlling weirdo.” and walk away.

likeafishneedsabike · 24/05/2019 06:33

Don’t other people watch TV on tablets? If DH is into something I’m not interested in, I’ll just stream something for myself. No need for another TV.
I’m fairness though, the TV thing is a red herring as the problem here that the DH is trying to control his wife. Perhaps he feels insecure about your qualifications and intelligence, OP, and is trying to compensate?

pictish · 24/05/2019 06:37

I don't know why he has picked this particular issue to wield a stick about but yes, he is being a bully. Is he like this over other things too? If he wants his own way in general, does he persist in the same manner until you back down?

Why the fuck does he need you to watch tv with him? What is his reasoning behind all this? Is he a narcissistic git that takes your lack of interest in his telly programmes as a personal attack on him?

pictish · 24/05/2019 06:38

bluebrushing - how little you understand about domestic abuse.

blackcat86 · 24/05/2019 06:43

Is this just about the TV or does this happen in other areas of your life to? You seem to have a more level headed approach now that you just wont tolerate it which is great but its worth exploring if its indicative or something else. DH used to want us to watch crap films and TV together. I would usually fall asleep, play on my phone or suggest he watched it when I'm out/in bed. He really couldn't understand it. Turns out he has some idealised notion of us cuddling on the sofa watching everything together like his (highly codependent) parents do. When I pointed out that's actually really unhealthy and I dont want to end up like either set of parents things improved.