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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...Or am I being bullied by my H?

107 replies

RacheyCat · 24/05/2019 01:13

I'm sorry, but I can't write DH right now, so I'm shortening it to H.

Periodically, my H wants to watch something on TV which I don't, and he won't take No for an answer. One method he uses is to get me to agree to watch 30 mins, and then we can turn it off if I don't enjoy it, but this often just means we row when I call a veto 30 mins into a show he's enjoying.

Last week, he asked me if I wanted to watch the new Catch 22 series. I said I didn't, because I didn't enjoy the book, and he went off sulking. In a moment of weakness, I followed him and said I'd try it.

Last night, he asked me if I wanted to watch it, and I said maybe tomorrow, but I felt so sad, because I don't want to watch it ever and I felt like I was being set-up, because there's no happy way out for me. Either I watch it and I'm miserable, and have to watch it every week, miserably but quietly, or, I tell him I don't want to watch it and have to deal with his anger. I told him this, and he started quizzing me on why I don't want to watch it, and criticized all of my reasons. As usual, I tried to reason that art is subjective, and you can't actually reason someone into appreciating it very easily, and that I didn't want to be subjected to a barrage of questions. He just got more and more annoyed, and I cried.

One of the things he asked me was when I read the book, and so I said that it was when I was 14. He started saying that I was allowing my 14 year old self to control my life now, and I'm not the same person, but really I feel that I've become less forgiving about things rather than more, as I've got older. FTR, I have a BA in English lit and an MA with a dissertation in literature, I teach textual analysis at a university-I'm not someone who is unsure of their tastes, or unschooled in textual appreciation.

Anyway, he became more and more hostile and started saying he didn't want to be married to a 14 year old. I told him I found his behavior coercive and abusive, and he said that I was abusing him, I guess by refusing to watch a show with him.

I slept on the sofa last night. He won't apologise. This happens too often, and it makes me miserable. I don't want to be harassed and coerced into watching something on TV which I won't enjoy, and I think it's entirely unacceptable that he thinks he can browbeat me into doing what he wants.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 24/05/2019 02:13

just get rid of him OP - do you seriously want this for the rest of your life?

Slapdasherie · 24/05/2019 02:44

My XP was a little like this, not as extreme as your H, he wouldn’t insist I watch a particular program, he’d just be disappointed in me if I failed to agree with his opinion. And it was seen as my failure.

Once we had an argument about what my favourite book was. He thought it should be the same as his, and tried to convince me I was wrong to prefer mine. Fucking weirdo.

It just shows a fundamental lack of respect for you. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

1forAll74 · 24/05/2019 02:45

How strange that something like this goes on in your household. I know that some couples watch different programmes or films,in another room etc, but so ridiculous to have this strife and hassle about stupid TV programmes.

Bluerussian · 24/05/2019 02:48

Husband sounds very childish to get sulky because you don't want to watch something on TV that he likes. In every home with every couple there are different tastes in TV, generally accepted by both. You're not stopping him from watching the programme.

Squigglesworth · 24/05/2019 03:15

He does sound like a bully, honestly.

The kindest interpretation I can come up with is to wonder if he might feel that you don't spend as much time together as he'd like, so your refusing to watch a program is (in his mind) the same as turning down "quality time" with him. Not that that's an excuse to guilt/bully you into watching something you don't like, but it might partially explain why he seems to place so much importance on these shared viewings. Maybe the two of you could brainstorm other things you can do together, so there's not quite so much pressure on finding something to watch. (But that's probably a stretch. I'm assuming you already do other things together, and he's just a spoilt brat about the TV.)

Ultimately, you'll either have to tough out his moods until he accepts defeat that different people are allowed to have different tastes or continue feeling bored and bullied for his benefit or leave him, if this is a symptom of bigger problems in the relationship.

It's bizarre that he cares so much about having you join him for specific programs...

PregnantSea · 24/05/2019 03:25

Your husband sounds absolutely batshit. Is there something else going on here? Surely he can't be this worked up and antagonistic over a tv show?

If this sort of behaviour is normal for him then maybe he needs therapy. He clearly has issues. It's up to you whether or not you stick around to help him work through his issues.

Xmas2020 · 24/05/2019 03:29

Arguing over a TV programme ? You sound both bored and fed up of each other. I think watching TV is the least of your worries.

vinegarqueen · 24/05/2019 03:54

I know it is a bit lame, but I have a lot of sympathy as I've had this argument with DH early in our marriage over him insisting that we watch things I hate and doing stuff like springing awful boring films in me when we have guests and I am less willing to row about it because he thinks if he does that then I will like it after all and admit how his good taste in films/tv... Hmm He would never watch anything he didn't fancy if I suggested it. I did point out how controlling it felt, and that I was likely to dislike something more if I was forced to watch it, and we now have an agreement that there are just some things we watch while the other is out. If he can't deal with it then I suggest you evaluate your relationship and have a think about how you will manage to live with this every week for however many years, because it will get more and more annoying.

vinegarqueen · 24/05/2019 03:56

Lol, spring them ON me. ”Spring them in me” sounds even worse Shock

HennyPennyHorror · 24/05/2019 04:02

Tell him to fuck off.

Seriously! I cannot BEAR people like him.

They're so insecure that they need your validation like this...it's absolute bollocks.

echt · 24/05/2019 04:09

Arguing over a TV programme ? You sound both bored and fed up of each other. I think watching TV is the least of your worries

Read the OP's OP: the DH is saying she has to watch TV with him. While she doesn't like his program choice, that's by the by, what matters is his insistence she watches TV with him, and his anger when she doesn't want to. I don't think the OP's DH is bored at all. I think he is very interested controlling her.

Kaleela · 24/05/2019 04:09

Another one for telling him to fuck off. Buy a second TV or Just. Say. No. And go do something else. This is such a stupid thing to be arguing about, walk away. YOU are married to a child

floribunda18 · 24/05/2019 04:12

Get another TV. And tell him in no uncertain terms that you don't have to like the same things, nor do you want psychoanalysing every time you make a different choice of viewing than him, and if he doesn't like that, he can piss off. Has he always been such a twat?

endofthelinefinally · 24/05/2019 04:23

OP.
Get this moved to the relationships board.
Your H sounds like a nasty, controlling man.
You need to think long and hard about whether you want to be in this kind of relationship for the rest of your life.
Do not even contemplate having children with this man.
He sounds very controlling. This kind of behaviour often escalates.
Google coercive control.

Aprillygirl · 24/05/2019 04:31

I don't know why people are telling OP to get another TV. Read her post properly and you will see that that would solve nothing.

HennyPennyHorror · 24/05/2019 04:33

I used to want DH to watch things with me but I wouldn't MAKE him! I realise now that our tastes are just vastly different. We do other things together instead.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 24/05/2019 04:37

‘Abusive’? Tears? Ridiculous. Just tell him you don’t want to watch and that’s that. He can get on and do it; you do something else.

Shoxfordian · 24/05/2019 04:43

He sounds totally unreasonable. Is he like this about other things as well? Do you also have to like his favourite food? This could be an example of controlling behaviour

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 24/05/2019 04:56

I wouldn't personally describe this as abusive or bullying - both are very extreme words to describe serious behaviour and it seems that he's just immature and annoying. It also seems like this could be solved by getting another TV in the house or by having agreed alternative days where you get to choose. Don't get me wrong, I'd be annoyed too, but I think words like 'abuse' are thrown round too much on here and having worked with victims of abuse it slightly worries me that a word needed for very serious behaviour is now being used lightly.

ZoniSouslaLune · 24/05/2019 04:57

I think he is bullying you.

When you say that he quizzes you about why you don't want to watch it, and then he attacks your answers and won't accept it--that sounds horrible to me.

It isn't "just tv", it's him wanting to control you. This isn't good.

mathanxiety · 24/05/2019 05:06

Tell him to fuck off/grow up/talk to the hand with the middle finger raised in the air cos you are not listening. Repeat as necessary.

Buy another tv.

WhoWants2Know · 24/05/2019 05:07

This is messed up behaviour.

MrsDrudge · 24/05/2019 05:11

Something more than just TV going on here. YANBU by the way.

IrisAtwood · 24/05/2019 05:13

This is not about watching TV.

It’s a power struggle.

In a calm, clear way I would say that I don’t want to watch whatever it is, but he can go ahead while I do something different.

Then I would say that as far as I am concerned that it is the end of the subject and mean it.

Every time he brings it up you repeat it and if he carries on leave the room.

You might end up in couples counselling and you could even end up divorced if he carries on - but then who wants to live with someone that doesn’t respect you?

AgentJohnson · 24/05/2019 05:17

This can’t be the only thing he gets his knickers in a twist over. I suspect there are other issues which may not be as obviously controlling but are still are controlling. You can not reason with someone as far up their own arse as your H. All you can do is stand your ground and accept that your married to someone who has some serious issues.

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