Family member with severe psoriasis

[Cassie2012]

Hi there, I need some advice about what to do when my brother in law comes to stay..

He has very severe psoriasis to the point where he can stand up and skin falls anywhere he has been

I have a diagnosis of OCD, and I know it is awful but I dread when he is staying over.

I feel sorry for him as he is the only single brother in the family, (which his mum, my mother in law, says is mainly due to his skin condition, how he doesn’t bathe regularly and keeps a very unkempt home)

My partner and I are at odds because I get so anxious and stressed about the dead skin that is everywhere, which I know is because of my OCD. But I genuinely cannot help it, I get along with his brother well and understand it is not something he has much control over.

I have been with my mother in law to his home and cleaned his home for him too to bottom to help him out because he never tidied or cleans.
(He has red carpet throughout his home which has a sea of cream dead skin over it because he doesn’t hoover up) his mum gets really angry with him and explains no woman will ever want to come back to his house because it is disgusting.

I have even suggested I stay at my own mothers just for the night as I cannot cope with stress of cleaning up dead skin off my dog, when he pets him, the toilet skin, and just anywhere he walks because it just drops off him at all times.

He recently stayed over and had to borrow boxers and a toothbrush because he didn’t bring his own!

Has anybody had this problem and if so how do you cope with it?

I know I must sound like such an overbearing weirdo, but with my OCD I can’t cope with it, it actually made me physically gag this morning and I don’t want to do that in front of him when I’m cleaning up the skin.

Many thanks in advance for any advice

Definitely stay the night elsewhere. The facts are that you have OCD, the situation is going to be an awful trigger for you and it's sad that it has to be this way - but it does have to be this way. You can't help it and shouldn't put yourself through it.

Ps. I think you're pretty awesome to even contemplate staying while he's there!

If you have a diagnosis of OCD this isn't something you're just going to be able to deal with. However, avoidance of OCD-triggering situations is not the recommended course of action. What's recommended is to continue to expose yourself to the trigger and allow yourself to sit with the feelings. If you feel a compulsion to clean up after him, leave it for a while and allow your anxiety to rise and fall naturally (I'm not saying you have to leave it forever!) continued exposure without performing your compulsion to clean it up will lessen your anxiety over time.

No advice specifically but wanted to provide an important PSA:

Psoriasis doesn't just affect the skin, it can also cause internal inflammation. Most commonly this manifests in the form of heart disease. People with psoriasis have a greater risk of heart disease than the general population. If you have psoriasis, make sure you and your provider determine when to start screening you for heart disease and how frequently you should be screened.

Either stay somewhere else or make sure he cleans up after himself.

Psoriasis sufferer here, and echoing agnurse's PSA!
I've lived with severe psoriasis for over 20 years, and also have the associated arthritis, for which I take immunosuppressive medication. No, YANBU.
Yes dry skin is a fact of psoriasis, but there's no need for it to affect others. It can be a tricky beast to manage, believe me, I know this, but a good dermatologist, or even GP, could bring his symptoms under control. Control, not cured. He'd feel better too, as if his skin is that bad, he must be in a lot of pain, and extremely itchy.
I'm extremely sympathetic to your BIL, as I know how soul destroying P can be, but it doesn't sound as if he's doing much to help himself. Regular bathing/showering is still needed, even if daily washing is out. Plus you get so many potions and lotions, there is no excuse for not being clean. Yes psoriasis sucks, yes there will be dry skin making itself known occasionally, but it's only manners to try and prevent this/clean up after himself.

Sorry but I think most people without OCD would struggle to deal with this. Yanbu. Your husband is. Why does he even have to stay over?

😨

I don't know anything about ocd but I am wondering how you managed to go and clean his skin infested house when there was no need to and you voluntarily did it but you can't clean your own after one night when it wouldn't be a fraction as bad?

I'm sorry to hear of your BIL's condition. My husband has had psoriasis for 40 years.

It sounds like he isn't using any creams as my husband's skin only flakes really badly if he hasn't applied any cream. It doesn't stop the plaques altogether so I know what you mean by skin everywhere.

Psoriasis is complicated. It sounds like he could do with some support to find out the root of the problem. It can sometime start after an emotional trauma. In addition to this, stress can be a huge factor in flare-ups and your MIL getting angry with him may not be helping. It's a bit of a chicken-and-egg scenario.

Is he depressed? The not washing and not keeping basic housekeeping up sounds like this is far deeper than just being scummy.

It doesn't sound like he is getting any GP input, so it might be a good idea to rally round so that he feels someone is helping?

I'm sorry I can't suggest any short term answers to him staying over but perhaps it gives an insight into what he is going through.

I also have OCD so I really sympathise OP if you're anything like me you'll just fixate on it so YANBU to want to stay out of the house!

I struggle a lot with the fact that I can't control things around me, getting frustrated when people don't act in the way I think they should (of course I know this is symptomatic of OCD and the need for order and control, I have no right nor should I of other's behaviour!)

If you have to be at home then try to find something to distract you, I really feel for you

Just reread my post and realised it might come across unsympathetic to the OP's BIL, not my intention at all but I just wanted to let OP know she's not alone.

As someone with a severe skin condition, that looks awful but thankfully doesn’t shed, I can confidently say that he is likely suffering stress to his mental health. Think about how you feel when you have a bad itch. Now imagine that you feel that way 24/7. It is literally torture and suicidal thoughts are common. I got lucky in that we found a cause and thus it is minimized, though will never go away completely. Your husband should talk to his brother about getting mental health support. He probably isn’t cleaning because he is depressed.

As for your issue
.stop cleaning his house for him
.ask your husband to be responsible for post visit cleanup - you May make a second pass afterwards, but it won’t be as difficult mentally
.feel free to bow out of some visits and just let the brothers have time together.

.do find a way to deal with it at big family events like holidays

I don't have OCD but I don't think I could cope with someone shedding lots of skin around my house 🤢

I don't have OCD but would really struggle with this.

Sounds like he needs encouragement (and backup) to get referred to a specialist.

That level of plaques is not normal. I'm willing to bet that he has been palmed off with 'it's all part of the disease'. And if he has any joint/back pain, that advice triples because Psoriatic Arthritis is a fucking cunt and outcomes are far worse than for most other types of inflammatory/autoimmune condition.

Bathing without proper products can cause it to worsen, for the skin to get extremely sore and split/get infected. Some of these are available over the counter, but most aren't - again, somebody needs to take it seriously. But that means bathing can actually worsen the condition, rather than improve it, so you're advised to not do it as often at times.

Uncontrolled inflammation also affects mood over and above the emotional impact of having a highly visible condition (and other people's reactions to it, whether simply looking or being so upset at the sight or thought of it that they refuse to be in the same building or let it be known that they are heaving when cleaning their dog in case there's a flake on it).

Having OCD is shit, but having uncontrolled autoimmune disease is infinitely more life threatening. If you were to encourage him to get it treated on those grounds, there's a good chance that your OCD wouldn't be triggered nearly so much, as the plaques would reduce.

Is he actually flaking all over your house and dog? Or is that your OCD talking? You make it sound like he is a human snowstorm and whilst there may be the odd flake, I find it unlikely that he is leaving a white trail everywhere he goes.

In his own house that is different as he is there day in, day out and clearly not shoving a hoover about.

Anyway, he probably does need help. My brother also has psoriasis and found a few things helped: dead sea salt baths, tanning beds, black tar treatment. It can all help a bit and he can get the tanning on the NHS. Aru cream is also good but you would need a shed load.

My mother in law has read up on it a lot over the years and regularly sends creams to his house and has them at her own home for when he stays over, but he is very off with her although she is only trying to help. He has had some visits through the NHS to use sunbeds but I do not think this is a regular thing.
I think the flaking is worse because as many have said above psoriasis needs regular bathing and cream application which he is not doing.

I’m not sure about his mental health but I can imagine he has suffered with it as I know women have turned him away due to not being able to accept his condition and the state of his home as a result of this.

His mother doesn’t live far from us, and is away at the moment so her house is free.
But when my partner said he should stay there, his reply was ‘well mums not there so I don’t want to stay there, I don’t feel comfortable’ jus to put it out there this is a forty year old single man who lives and has lived alone for 10+ years!

In reply to @caplin - YES his skin falls off over the dog (who is a dark colour so it shows up) and anywhere he sits, the toilet seat, the floors, bedding and is all over his jacket and shoulders. He clearly doesn’t have it under control so that is what happens when the skin is so dry the majority of the time.
My OCD is clearly making the situation worse and so I think it’s better if I stay away for the night, I do not want to cause upset between me and my partner and certainly do not want him to get an idea of how it affects my OCD as I can’t imagine having the condition myself.

I will definitely be putting all these great tips to good use and passing them onto my partner, I don’t think it will be met with much appreciation but it’s definitely worth a try!

Many thanks everyone!

Why does he need to stay with you?

That is my argument with my partner, their mum is not well at the moment but he only lives less than an hours drive away, he used the ‘I don’t want to be at my mums house alone when she’s not there’ and I just think if there is a free house available what’s is the problem with him staying there?

He stayed at our home the night before and that was really stressful for me, but I’m not sure he appreciates my partner and I have been non stop for his mother for the past three weeks and wanted a night alone in our home without anyone staying but he took offence to this and said ‘nobody wants me to stay at their house’
It’s a difficult situation

I don’t understand how his needs or wants trump yours. It’s your home! I might have sympathy with the guy but no way would I be allowing him to force me out of my house. I’d insist on him staying elsewhere.

That’s how I feel! But I’d rather not argue with my partner whilst their mum isn’t well and make the issue a big deal.

My partner thinks that because their mum isn’t well and in hospital we should let him stay with us because it’s his brother but I just think there is somewhere else for him to stay, he lives alone anyway so the lonely card doesn’t really wash with me

One of DH’s relatives has psoriasis and doesn’t look after himself properly so I know what you mean about the snowstorm effect around the toilet, bedroom, sofa etc. I don’t have OCD but it turns my stomach too. I would NEVER say anything to him but it does put me off having him to stay.

DH is in charge of stripping the bedding after he leaves and I get the hoover out as soon as possible. I also hide a dustpan and brush upstairs so I can clean the worst of it up quickly and discreetly before it builds up.

I could not deal with this, I would not have him over. Tell DH to go to his house instead if he wants to see him.

My mother had severe psoriasis for about 30 years, and it was grim - I know how you feel.

She eventually came across royal jelly as a treatment and it completely sorted it for her. I know there are many different types of psoriasis and they all respond to different things, but might be worth suggesting to BIL?

How sad.

It sounds like the brother needs some serious help, not only with his skin but with his mental health too.

Psoriasis is a debilitating disease. It's embarrassing, it hurts, it makes you feel ugly and unloved. I get that you have your own issues but you don't sound very sympathetic at all to him. Maybe his brother could talk to him and see where he is in terms of treatments or dermatology visits. It might be that he needs to go beyond the creams now and start on something stronger.