Family member with severe psoriasis

[Cassie2012]

Hi there, I need some advice about what to do when my brother in law comes to stay..

He has very severe psoriasis to the point where he can stand up and skin falls anywhere he has been

I have a diagnosis of OCD, and I know it is awful but I dread when he is staying over.

I feel sorry for him as he is the only single brother in the family, (which his mum, my mother in law, says is mainly due to his skin condition, how he doesn’t bathe regularly and keeps a very unkempt home)

My partner and I are at odds because I get so anxious and stressed about the dead skin that is everywhere, which I know is because of my OCD. But I genuinely cannot help it, I get along with his brother well and understand it is not something he has much control over.

I have been with my mother in law to his home and cleaned his home for him too to bottom to help him out because he never tidied or cleans.
(He has red carpet throughout his home which has a sea of cream dead skin over it because he doesn’t hoover up) his mum gets really angry with him and explains no woman will ever want to come back to his house because it is disgusting.

I have even suggested I stay at my own mothers just for the night as I cannot cope with stress of cleaning up dead skin off my dog, when he pets him, the toilet skin, and just anywhere he walks because it just drops off him at all times.

He recently stayed over and had to borrow boxers and a toothbrush because he didn’t bring his own!

Has anybody had this problem and if so how do you cope with it?

I know I must sound like such an overbearing weirdo, but with my OCD I can’t cope with it, it actually made me physically gag this morning and I don’t want to do that in front of him when I’m cleaning up the skin.

Many thanks in advance for any advice

@EKGEMS Not at all. I'm siding more with BIL because it's not just OP treating him in this way.

I totally understand that no condition trumps the other.
But, if BIL was to say 'I don't want Cassie to stay with me because her OCD is driving me crazy. I'd rather stay somewhere else. Her physically gagging at my skin, along with the other traits of her condition, make me feel extremely uncomfortable and I feel like she could be coping with it better.'
Everyone would be up in arms.

Yet, because it's psoriasis and others are under the illusion that he some how has control over it, he's being criticised left, right and centre.
That's before we include the comments about him being single or suffering with his mental health.

I see your point so sorry if I came across as Uber bitchy.

@EKGEMS not a problem

Wow, I just wanted to jump on in support of any other people with psoriasis. I have had it for most of my life, and I could write a novel about my mental story that goes alongside it. At my lowest I fear that everyone finds me disgusting and doesn't want to touch me. Having had support to try and change that belief I realise that perhaps I haven't been paranoid and that perhaps there genuinely are people that think we are. I also, sincerely, sincerely hope that none of you ever end of with a skin condition yourself or with a child with a skin condition. Because you are going to have a very rude awakening. It is completely out of our control. Sometimes no treatments work, sometimes the side-effects of treatments are so terrifying and long term that we avoid them anyway. We are not here to upset you or make you feel disgusted. We are just human beings with skin that over-produces. Wow.

tiddlywinkywinkywinky I do the same now, I have very delicate skin after over steroid use and am fed up with the rebound flares and found I became more obsessed with my skin the more I treated in conventionally. So now we live alongside each other and try to accept each other.
To the OP, I am in no way negating your OCD, I know that that is hugely debilitating as well, I just wonder if perhaps this is a chance to look at why you feel this strongly about a member of your family with a condition that conflicts so massively with your own. Do you enjoy anything about his company? Do you accept that he is human and flawed too, just like we all are?

Londonmummy my mum suffered psoriasis badly from ankle to knee for 30 years, and had tried everything. She finally tried royal jelly after a recommendation in the Telegraph and it cleared completely within about 6 weeks, and has not returned. She started on one 500 mg capsule per day, but after 10 days her skin became itchy, so she dropped to one 200 mg capsule per day (and took an occasional 500 mg capsule instead to use them up). She does say that it doesn't work for everyone, and that you just need to be a bit careful if you're taking any other medication, but might be worth a shot?

Yep, another voice in support of psoriasis sufferers. My best friend suffers terribly with it and I have observed it trying to take away her youth and independence, as well as any value she places on herself.

It is a cruel condition that gets worse when she is stressed and she is mostly stressed when it gets so bad she cannot work (her feet crack open) and/or it flares up in visible places, such as her face. The cycle is like a trap she cannot escape.

She too has placed her life at risk taking drugs with horrendous possible side effects, just for a shot at a more normal life. There are, of course, many cruel medical disorders; psoriasis is not the only one. But it is a f**king awful one that brings not just pain and physical limitation but also the judgement of others.

Skin is just skin. Why it should not be fine when attached to a body but immediately 'repulsive' as soon as it detaches is a puzzlement to me.

My Mum has suffered with chronic debilitating psoriasis for over 20 years. She has been hospitalised several times for it when it covered about 70% of her body, not just the silvery flaking of skin but the red, RAW and bleeding skin. She has had light (UV) treatment, methotrexate, cyclosporin, steroid creams, coal tar shampoos, every topical cream available and NOTHING worked until a couple of years ago she was pit on a drug called Humira, a biologic treatment that is self injected into her stomach every few weeks. It has cleared the psoriasis 100% and she now lives a normal life.

I think it does have some side effects though, she has to get blood tests every few months to check for liver and kidney damage but you have to offset the pain, embarrassment and shame of living with a condition like this.
They absolutely cannot help shedding flakes are will be as mortified as you are. Huge sympathies to anyone living with this condition.

Could I just urge anyone whose Psoriasis is becoming unbearable to try and get referred to a Dermatologist (preferably in a hospital with a research or teaching speciality in dermatology)?

I moved to my current dept., to accommodate work, as travelling to my local one wouldn't have been compatible with work. It's taken a couple of years, but I've now got access to drug that's not been online very long, has a high success rate and minimal side effects.

These drugs work by suppressing the specific gene that causes the autoimmune response that is psoriasis, and its been utterly life changing. I'm now looking forward to the second summer where I haven't worried about my skin for 30years. I feel a bit rough for 1-2 weeks afterwards, but I only have a treatment of a single injection once every 12 weeks.

The drugs are improving and becoming more refined all the time now, there's no cure, but my assessment scores are almost zero now, from being over double the criteria to be approved. Obviously they aren't suitable for everyone, but the criteria is being lowered all the time because the results are phenomenal.

psoriasis hasnt nothing to do with how often he bathes , and as the prescribed treatment is to keep it moisterised , bathing could dry it out more

It is a very difficult condition to keep under control , some people are never able to . depending on the severity of it

Is he actually accessing consultant treatment for it? My friend has very severe psoriasis and during flare ups has to attend the hospital daily and ends up completely bandaged from neck down. She also has a blue badge for the days she cannot walk due to splitting on the soles of her feet and joint replacement due to psoriatic arthritis. I also have a family member and an ex with psoriasis as well as a family history of eczema.

However, she has never left the trail of skin that you mention nor is her own house covered in it. She has stayed with me several times. Is he actually taking charge of his condition and accessing treatment or is he just letting it be? If he isn't accessing treatment, depression and subsequent state of his house may be either a cause or a consequence. I think your husband and mother-in-law need to have a talk with him about his health rather than getting angry.

I have psoriasis and OCD. I feel like King Solomon in this thread.

Halloumimuffin welcome! I was just thinking about how psoriasis and OCD are like polar opposites but perhaps our similarities run abit deeper than we think.

Do you accept that he is human and flawed too, just like we all are?

Oh come on. At no point has OP said anything to imply that she thinks of her BIL as being less than human.

Why doesht your husband and his brother stay at your mums, you dont really want him in your house and I dont suppose he wants to stay where hes not welcome.

Hi from another P sufferer here.

I recently had a thread where I had been asked to move desks away from colleagues as they didn't like the very rare flake that fell in their vicinity....I felt like a leaper and was made to sit at the end of a row of desks away from my team and not spoken too. Yep that sucked.

So OP, answer me this....if your OCD is so bad you can't bare the thought of him in your house for what, 12 hrs maybe? How can you go clean his house?

Well peach queen, if you had read my original post I had asked for advice on anything I can do as an OCD sufferer to alleviate my anxiety and hopefully my obsession with cleaning skin that falls straight away, which in turn would make both of our time in my home easier for the both of us.

If anybody thinks that I think that he CAN help it, you are extremely mistaken just as I cannot help overwhelming feelings of cleaning in my head.

Hence why I alluded to answers from both sides of the coin (P sufferers and fellow OCD sufferers) for advice

Many P sufferers here have commented and although some of you have been quite rude when I thought this was about community and helping each other many of you have been wonderful and even gone as far as to offer medications, lotions, dermatology, GP and other remedies that may help him.
I drove the hour on my day off to help HIM you seem to forget.
Like psoriasis my OCD flares up at times that are stressful or out of my control ( just one of the many symptoms) and so when I drove his 70 year old mother to his house (who would have gone alone to gut his house for the day as no one else would do it) I did it to not only help her but to help HIM. House work has always gotten on top of him, his mother says he washes his sheets maybe three times a year, and he has two children, one that has asthma and so she worries about how the skin will affect her grandson (I.e him breathing in dust mites and skin due to rare cleaning)

It seems from what I see that he is very much not taking charge of his condition, his mother and brother (my husband) ask him how it is going frequently and he says he ‘can’t be bothered, and has tried everything’.
His family have suggested that he see someone as they could tell it was affecting his mental health and he refused to go

I made a list of everything suggested on here and my partner has already sent it via fb messenger to his brother who replied with ‘k’

I have never once not allowed him in my home. EVER.

I have always been pleasant and happy to see him, but it is in my head that dreads people coming to stay.

I would actually just like to point out, any family or friends who stay I strip bedding as soon as they leave and clean the house, that is just who I am, so I suppose although BIL in honesty makes me the most anxious as it is more visible, I am this way when my own family come to stay

In reply to HappyHammy,

It is actually not obvious at all that I don’t want him to stay. I welcome him into my home and his children and have done on many occasions.

My partner has since suggested that they both stay at his mothers when he is up, and so that is what will happen or I will go to stay at my mums.

P.s I will not be avoiding him during the day, we regularly go out for a meal with him this is just overnight that I struggle with.

You've made him sound very dirty - you have said he doesn't bathe and has a unkempt house several times now. Is there a reason for the emphasis?

Yes there is.

To explain that I do not think with or without his psoriasis that he takes care of himself well.

Hence the reason I have helped his mother clean his house, many P sufferers on here have said his mental health could be suffering which I think may definitely be the case.

The facts are that I have been to his home three times now and every time it is exactly what his mother says it is. unkempt and dirty and no he does not bathe regularly.

He has to borrow a toothbrush and clean underwear as he did not not bring them to stay over. he brought his work laptop and his PS4 instead

But why is that relevant to your post?

Cassie
I wanted to post a specific question aimed at the psoriasis sufferers on here, but don't want to hijack your thread so shall open a new one in Health.

Still reading yours with interest though 👍

I know it's well meaning but it gets really tedious when people are constantly suggesting treatments for chronic conditions. He lives with it daily. He's probably heard it and tried it all before and people tend to react badly when you tell them that it doesn't work or that they're promoting the latest version of snake oil.

why is what relevant to my post? I'm not sure what your replying to? just need clarity on what your referring to....?

@Blistory spot on!

You can be lazy/dirty/unkempt and have the condition. The two aren't connected. Psoriasis is excessive skin production.
Again, my DF bathes every other night (can't everyday because it flares his skin up) - he's definitely not dirty. Yet he still suffers.
Is he really dirty? Really messy/lazy? Or is he dirty by your standards? It may well be compounded by your condition.

I'm starting to think this is less about psoriasis. Either way, he is suffering with a disabling skin condition - treat it (and him) the way you'd want yourself and your illness treated.