Family member with severe psoriasis

[Cassie2012]

Hi there, I need some advice about what to do when my brother in law comes to stay..

He has very severe psoriasis to the point where he can stand up and skin falls anywhere he has been

I have a diagnosis of OCD, and I know it is awful but I dread when he is staying over.

I feel sorry for him as he is the only single brother in the family, (which his mum, my mother in law, says is mainly due to his skin condition, how he doesn’t bathe regularly and keeps a very unkempt home)

My partner and I are at odds because I get so anxious and stressed about the dead skin that is everywhere, which I know is because of my OCD. But I genuinely cannot help it, I get along with his brother well and understand it is not something he has much control over.

I have been with my mother in law to his home and cleaned his home for him too to bottom to help him out because he never tidied or cleans.
(He has red carpet throughout his home which has a sea of cream dead skin over it because he doesn’t hoover up) his mum gets really angry with him and explains no woman will ever want to come back to his house because it is disgusting.

I have even suggested I stay at my own mothers just for the night as I cannot cope with stress of cleaning up dead skin off my dog, when he pets him, the toilet skin, and just anywhere he walks because it just drops off him at all times.

He recently stayed over and had to borrow boxers and a toothbrush because he didn’t bring his own!

Has anybody had this problem and if so how do you cope with it?

I know I must sound like such an overbearing weirdo, but with my OCD I can’t cope with it, it actually made me physically gag this morning and I don’t want to do that in front of him when I’m cleaning up the skin.

Many thanks in advance for any advice

He really doesn't need to stay over. Let him come for a meal then send him on his way as you're having a romantic evening together. If your husband still wants him overnight then go to your mum's and tell hubby to clean up before you get back. Stop cleaning his place, he sounds lazy.

I sincerely hope none of the vile posters putting up puking emojis etc do not end up with a child with psoriasis or bad eczema. If you do then perhaps you might remember how you made my stomach sink and bring me to tears. I'm lucky, even though I have severe psoriasis not a single person in my family, friends or work colleagues has ever made me feel what you all have. I hope karma bites you on the fucking arse.

My comment is not aimed at OP, who has het own condition to contend with. The majority of you, however, are incredibly unkind.

I feel for you OP, his skin condition isn't something he can control but your anxiety as a result of OCD is also something you can't control. All things considered why won't DH accept you maybe staying for a short time then escaping to your mum's - you could invent a reason for Bil's benefit (it must be horrible for him and he must be self conscious and depressed).

Op I feel your pain. I don’t have OCD but have a relative in an almost identical situation and every time see them there condition is worse.
I skin flakes are literally everywhere and it turns by stomach too.
In my house my DH has to clean up after the person it is his relative and whilst they are here.
I think it would be best for you to stay at your Mums, not fair on your mental health. X

Good to hear Royal Jelly worked for your mother 👍👍👍 Shall suggest to my DH 👍

My father has psoriasis on his legs. It's not pretty, but he doesn't shed skin all that much.

It sounds as if the OP's BIL has a very severe form of psoriasis. I recognize that some people can have severe medical conditions, but at some point, you need to take responsibility for yourself and not make a mess of someone else's home.

He has had some visits through the NHS to use sunbeds but I do not think this is a regular thing.

Irregular visits 'to use sun beds' is not a treatment for severe psoriasis. Some people have a course of light therapy, which would mean attending hospital very regularly for a specific period of time. If it's at bad as you say he should be under the care of a consultant dermatologist and is a candidate for effective drug treatments. It sounds like it may be affecting his mental health, unsurprisingly, and he could use some support accessing treatment.

I have severe psoriasis also and arthritis linked to it. Yes it looks awful, but no one chooses to have it, nor is there any real cure. It is treatable to varying degrees.
I am sure he does not wish to have it, it is also painful as well.
In the past I have got rude comments for such, but it is a medical condition and not dirty or catching. Yes it does leave a trail, but are people with it supposed to not mix or run round carrying a Hoover?
Just tell the man he is not welcome.
I am beginning to wonder about my own life now . I had got to the stage of if you don't like my illness tough I can't bloody change it .
Maybe people like me and him should just keep living like hermits as others find our health a problem.
When I read this I get stressed and stress makes my psoriasis worse.
I know you have ocd , but you don't choose your conditions they happen and no one should be made feel bad for having such.

I sincerely hope none of the vile posters putting up puking emojis etc do not end up with a child with psoriasis or bad eczema. If you do then perhaps you might remember how you made my stomach sink and bring me to tears. I'm lucky, even though I have severe psoriasis not a single person in my family, friends or work colleagues has ever made me feel what you all have. I hope karma bites you on the fucking arse

@tiddlywinkywinkywinky I deleted my original very angry post after taking a few deep breaths but I agree with everything you have said here. I've had severe and chronic psoriasis for over 50 years and I learned a long time ago how to hide my feelings, but this thread is unbelievable. I'm staggered by some of the comments.

As someone who has psoriasis, I hope you guys wouldn’t be this mean in person. Sometimes skin may ‘turn your stomach’ but at least I’m accepting of others as I’m dealing with this myself.
Those saying creams and baths help, I use cream at least twice a day, shower or bath everyday and I still have flakey days. It hurts physically and mentally and mine isn’t that bad.

Thanks to the last few commenters. I don't use anything other than moisturisers now.

'Sunbed' treatment gave me blisters after 40 seconds. PUVA treatment worked until it stopped then psoriasis came back worse than ever. Steroid creams over time result in thinning skin that can split with a light touch. Methotrexate (aka chemotherapy) made me feel sick for 3 days out of 7.

Not forgetting the increased risk of skin cancer, liver cancer, leukaemia, cataracts and many other side effects that those without these conditions live with.

So sorry if I'm not following the treatment regime you think suitable - I deal with psoriasis my way. Deal with it or fuck off.

Without = with. Never hit Post when you're angry!

DH has had children asking everso gently if it hurts? If only adults were so compassionate....

The people who are being squicky would do well to remember that as they sit reading this post, they are shedding hair, eyelashes, and skin cells. Every time you dust your home, you are actually wiping up your own skin. It’s everywhere, all the time. With some people it’s just more obvious.

To add to Purple artichoke, apparently you breath in an entire body worth of skin cells by the time you get to the top of a long London Underground escalator 👍 More than that if you stand behind my DH 🤭😉

I don't know if any of you realize obsessive compulsive disorder is also not a disease that anyone chooses to suffer from much like psoriasis! Compassion and empathy for all

I don't know if any of you realize obsessive compulsive disorder is also not a disease that anyone chooses to suffer from much like psoriasis! Compassion and empathy for all

Of course we know which is why it's surprising that the sympathy and empathy is all with the op and the vile comments directed at her BIL.

One would naturally expect someone who suffers from a chronic disease themselves to be more understanding of people with a different chronic disease.

To be fair though, although the op was pretty dismissive of her BIL, it was some of the replies and comments that followed which definitely didn't have either compassion or empathy

I have scalp psoriasis and struggle with the thought of skin flakes. I empathize. When it flares I can disgust myself. You cant make him control it and it sounds as though he has become overwhelmed and given up. It's an autoimmune condition and although you arent strictly asking for support for him. I found when I went on the auto immune protocol diet which removes inflammatory foods from your diet and took supplements related to my genetic make up (mthfr) it went. It takes a lot of effort and consistency though.

I'd not have him over if he can't be be aware enough not to flake all over your house. He has a responsibility to keep it under control and not leave his DNA everywhere. It sounds as much a mental health issue as a skin issue.

I do have empathy and compassion for my BIL, hence the reason I asked for advice on how to cope through my OCD with it.

I would rather leave my own home and let him stay than make him feel embarrassed or ashamed.

It does sound like though from P sufferers who have commented here that he could be accessing better support for his psoriasis and I will mention this to my DH so he can pass this on.

Just to make you all aware to all of those who have sworn and sound very bitter and angry. My brother in laws OWN family do not have him stay over at their house due to him generally not taking care of himself, of course in part to his psoriasis but not solely the reason and this is his own family.
His mother asks him to remove bedding after he has slept in it as soon as he is out of it.
None of these people have OCD, only my frustrated self.
So to all the people who are saying I am not sympathetic I am the only one with a condition who allows him to stay over and is welcoming to him!

Your In-Laws sound absolutely vile.

Psoriasis is out of a persons control. You can bathe with the right products, use creams, take pills, have light therapy... but it doesn't mean that the skin will heal.
My poor dad has suffered horrifically with psoriasis for at least 20 years. 20 years of burning, itching, bleeding, skin splitting and shedding.
One of his open sores caused him cellulitis - an infection that very nearly killed him.

Making your poor BIL strip the bed the second he's gotten up is disgusting. He's not infectious. His skin has shed.
His mother of all people should be understanding of that, but yet she treats him with disgust.

It's not his fault. He's not doing this to spite you or gross you out. He is unable to control it.

I wouldn't worry too much about him coming and triggering your OCD; if you continue to treat him the way you do (you, as in the whole family) then I wouldn't be surprised if he detached from you all.

@ContinuityError - glad to hear your mother has found something that helps. Could you tell us whether she uses a cream or a supplement (and ideally what it is?)

nokidshere The OP does not sound like that at all in my opinion. It's terrible anyone with psoriasis is treated with anything but compassion however anyone who drops flakes of skin everywhere as described is either in complete denial of their psoriasis or doesn't care and/or has mental health issues. His brother the OP's husband is unreasonable when she can't even discuss it without a blow up. It's her home as well and she also has OCD.

@EKGEMS do you suffer with psoriasis? Does anyone you know?

My poor dad cannot help where his skin falls off. If he scratches the everlasting itch it's inevitable that his skin will flake.
They cannot help it.
The itch is 24/7, 365 days a year. Without a moment off.

He is neither in denial of his condition, nor does he suffer with mental health issues. He most definitely is aware of his psoriasis, he cares about his skin and his quality of life.
There are only so many times you can use steroid creams, medicines or alternative treatments.
Sometimes they just don't work.

He tries to ensure he doesn't leave any skin behind, but sometimes it just flakes off. He doesn't notice - he's more concerned about the burning itch covering his entire body.
She can't discuss it with her husband without him blowing up because it's her husbands brother who she is talking so harshly of.

While I understand OP has OCD, and wouldn't even try to imagine what that feels like, the way she is talking about BILs condition is just horrible. 'A sea of skin' 'covering the dog'. I'm sure if he had the option he'd choose not to suffer.

I really feel sorry for BIL. Being treated with disdain by the people who are meant to be there for him because he has a condition out of his control.
Horrible.

No I don't have psoriasis but I know it's a horrible disease to deal with very strong regimens to treat it with side effects,pain,itching and distress. You're absolutely correct modern medicine still hasn't cracked a solution to it but why is the only sympathy for him and not her? Is it because it's an invisible illness? Or is her issue not as important?