Bottle Refuser - I need to stop breastfeeding

[Ifsomeonehadtoldme]

Posting here as everyone else seems to. The crux of the AIBU (if I had to give one) would technically be am I unreasonable to expect help
In quitting breastfeeding with a bottle refuser?

I have a 16 week old bottle refuser. He seemed to be happily taking them up until two weeks ago and the idea was that I was gently transitioning him to expressed bottles. DH now patiently sits every night trying to get him to take even an ounce from a bottle before I feed but it’s been two weeks of banging our heads off a brick wall.

Nothing is working and I can’t go on doing this. I miss every aspect of my three year old’s life because this one feeds so often (I appear to have crap boobs as first was the same), I am miserable every time I sit down to feed, the let down itself (not the latch) hurts tremendously and I need a break; he sleeps ok at nights but the cost is too great in terms of my sanity.

I fed the first for a year and I hated it and didn’t bond with him until I gave up. At least he took a bottle so I could go to my competitive swim club twice a week and latterly three times.

Spoke to health visitor who said I just needed to suck it up and carry on until he’s six months old but wouldn’t tell me why that helped since I know food is for fun until a year. She suggested therapy and antidepressants but since root cause of misery is breastfeeding not really sure why that would help.

I can’t feed him until he weans naturally and it makes me sob to think about feeding until he’s a year/ over a year/ whatever. I don’t understand all this business of cup feeding since 1. Everything is supposed to be sterilised and 2. He won’t put bottle in his mouth.

I’m supposed to be at an event that really matters to be in ten days and have had to cancel. Supposed to be at a child free wedding that also really matters to me in September, again looking like cancelling as venue not a hotel so hubby can’t squat in a room and I sneak out periodically.

I don’t know what to do and no one that’s supposed to provide advice will help me beyond essentially saying the most important thing is he’s breastfed to six months and stuff my mental health/ marriage/ relationship/ sense of self.

Literally running on empty: no energy, exhausted, no real time for self care beyond a three minute shower each morning, can’t go out as I hate feeding in public, missing out on doing anything with my three year old who I’m sure will stop asking me to play soon. I’m constantly panicked about what would happen to him if I got sick/ had accident/ needed to be away. Want to do KIT days at work as things changing rapidly and want to remind boss that I exist.

**Please be kind, I don’t need any more judgement than I’ve already had from the NHS or myself. I know I’m an awful person for not wanting to continue EBF and being miserable that all he wants is me.

Where can I get good advice? How does one cup feed a four month old who can’t yet sit up?

I can't advise as my DC were both fine with bottles but please, please don't let anyone tell you to just suck it up. Your mental health does matter.

I'm sure someone will be along who can help but have from me in the meantime. Be kind to yourself.

Cup feeding can be done from birth (obviously you have to hold the cup and control flow!). My DD was cup fed in hospital and at home for first three weeks as she wouldn't latch and I was wary of introducing a bottle. It does tend to be messy, however! She often ended up with as much on her as in her.

Have you tried different teats? Some mimic breastfeeding latch more and are 'active' teats as opposed to passive - ie. the baby really has to work for their feed. My DD will only use Minbie teats as she can latch on like she does boob. Other teats she just chews on or sits with in her mouth.

Bollocks to anybody telling you that you are awful for not bf. It is entirely your decision.

I have a complete bottle refuser. can you try change the routine for the bottle as it seems wee one knows he'll get boob if he refuses. Maybe try walking while trying the bottle or TV. Is formula or expressed milk your giving in bottle?

Please don’t despair! You will find something that works, it might take a few tries!
My dad was also a bottle refuser, when she was small we used a doidy cup, better when she was calm and not too hungry! It can be a little messy when they’re small but she liked it more than a bottle. I think because it wasn’t pretending to be a boob
Also if you’re just using expressed milk, you don’t need to sterilise, just wash in hot soapy water between each use. If using formula you need to sterilise, you can get the steriliser boxes you just put a bit of water in and pop in the microwave. Don’t need anything fancy.
Good luck!

My son is a bottle refuser but will take milk from a cup. We started with simple open cups but now use a miracle 360 beaker as it’s less messy.

Get your husband to try cup feeding instead of the bottle and take it from there.

Ok what bottle are you using?
Maybe try a different one? Is baby starving when you’re attempting the bottle? Do you think it’ll help is baby is not as hungry?
I think you should persevere!

And please don’t feel guilty. You’ve done amazing to get to 4 months! I’ve been exclusively pumping my now 17 week old and getting to the point of stopping now. It’s bloody hard work and I’m always having to stop doing things with my 4 year old cos I’m having to pump!

Keep at it!

As for cups... what about a doidy cup? The type they use in neonatal units.

In terms of bottles we were using a platex ventaire but it wasn’t going great so switched to medela at the recommendation of a friend, seemed to be working then amount taken dwindled. We stuck with it for another week and have now switched to the minbie. Have gotten an ounce in twice since.

At the moment sticking to newborn teats as issue screaming and pushing bottle out with his tongue. Figure we can tweak the flow once we have him accepting it regularly but don’t want to choke him and scare him off!

It’s expressed milk. I do suffer from the Lucas’s thing but he’s refusing it literally hot out of the pump so I think it’s behavioural about the bottle rather than revulsion at the taste.

He’s been both starving (first bottle after a monster night sleep from 9:30-5) and not all that hungry (last feed, which is the one I most want to lose as he feeds for up to two hours and I want to put DS1 to bed the head to swim training two nights a week).

DH is being great despite my rage that he has the option to walk away. He’s an eternal optimist so thinks it’ll be ok in the end. He does get why I’m so sad about it.

Can’t go back but really wish I’d never started this time. Ridiculously I didn’t think it was fair his brother got breast milk if he didn’t - clearly bat-poop crazy on the hormones at the time.

By Lucas I mean lipase

Also have £400 worth of bottles in the cupboard thanks to first being moderately awkward initially

Several issues here.

1. Of course your mental health matters- more than anything.
2. If anybody actually says in so many words that you’re awful for not wanting to carry on bf then they are arseholes. But be careful of projecting your own completely unfair judgement of yourself- the overwhelming majority of babies are completely ff by 4 months- so it's unlikely that hcps will be judging you- if anyone is apart from yourself then they are ignorable pond scum.
3. Don’t dismiss the thought that you might be depressed. Doctors don’t offer anti depressants without cause- and there’s no shame in taking help when it’s offered. And beating yourself up the way you are can be a symptom.
4. I don’t know about stopping- I presume you’ve tried different bottles and formula instead of EBM? I’m sure others will have better advice. But focus on your mental health. Go and talk to the doctor again.

Have a bottle refuser here too and she’s been a bottle refuser since birth. I never wanted to breastfeed and am sort of stuck with it as she’ll never take a bottle. So I have nothing constructive to add, but just wanted to say you’re not alone

She suggested therapy and antidepressants

Jesus christ! She would rather you go to therapy and on antidepressants than stop BF, which you hate anyway!

Wow.

Stop. Go out every feed so DH does it. Your baby will have to get used to it.

Are you present when giving the bottle? They’re not daft, they know when there’s a preferred option available! And yes, you can cup feed from very little apparently.

I found it helpful to remember there are two people in the breastfeeding relationship. It sounds like you have some major aversion going on so it makes sense to address that. Oth, if you manage to get him to take milk by other means, that might give you some space to assess whether you want to stop. Breastfed babies (in my grand experience of one) don’t feed to a schedule, so I suspect it’s probably not a problem with your supply. Some babies just really really like breastfeeding. I have one of these. It’s meeting other needs than just sustenance too - it might be they are seeking comfort, soothing etc. I found expressing to be an absolute ball ache tbh, and eventually moved to mix feeding when he went to childminders at 9 months. I wonder if combination feeding might be an option for you.

I think you’ve done so well getting to 4 months if that’s how you’ve been feeling. Where I live we don’t have a local la leche league group but there’s a helpful Facebook group, and whilst they’re obviously pro breastfeeding I haven’t seen them pursue an agenda while ignoring the person iyswim. Anything similar near you? This article on aversion might be helpful while you figure out the practicals of bottle feeding kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/breastfeeding-nursing-aversion-agitation-baa/

OP - I so, so feel for you. And recently went through the exact same thing with DD. My return to work was looming and she acted like I was trying to kill her the minute she saw the bottle.
I'm not sure there is a magic solution, but things I tweaked included:
Temperature. It has to be just right otherwise she just faffed about with the teat in her mouth.
Flow. Give a faster teat a go. It's unlikely to be so fast she chokes, but will make it easier for her to understand what it's for.
MAM teats. These were my life saver.
Try a cup. Doidy cups are great because you can see what's going on. It's a bit messy though!

It literally took me 6 weeks to crack it. I was so stressed and ended up in a hideous pumping/crying/feeding cycle and felt so alone. It feels like a distant memory now and we're both so much happier. So know that you aren't alone and it will work out

Get a faster flow teat, LO may just be getting frustrated that the milk isnt flowing fast enough and just giving up. He may splutter a bit to start with but will get used to it in a couple of minutes, just let him come up for air several times during the feed. A newborn teat is literally a drop every 10 seconds, really really slow. Also, start with offering a bottle before every day time feed. Have DH do all the feeds at the weekend. Try the formula fairly cool too, one of mine preferred it straight from the fridge.
Your body, your decision, go for it.

I had a bottle refuser but she also refused to suck on anything like non spill cups or dummies. Me being away made absolutely no difference to it.

We cup fed from 6 months, mostly with the Doidy cup. A friend had the same issue and managed with the Tommy Tipee first cup as it is a free flow, so no sucking required.

I find it ridiculous that the HV suggested therapy and anti-Ds. They should support you, not make you feel more guilty.

The 6 months rule is about iron as the iron in breastmilk is better for the baby to absorb than formula and from 6 months iron also comes from food sources like meat, cereals etc. But, lots of babies survive without breastfeeding. And if you want to continue pumping your baby gets breastmilk anyway.

Babies are inherently self-serving. If you get a faster flow teat that takes less effort than the breast and stick at it, eventually it will become the preferred option. Get a number of different teats.

I had to get my bottle refusing dd onto bottles as she needed high calorie formula at least on top of breast milk.

After a long while we found she would take playtex bottles which I think you can now get on Amazon. Used to be you had to buy from their US site!

I had a bottle refuser, who also refused solid food until 9 months old, and cups until about 1. And then, there was only one cup he would drink from, which left my in-laws in trouble the one time we left him with them, and the cup broke.

No advice, I'm afraid, although that might be improvement on some of the advice you have been given (other than on this thread, of course!). My daughter was the other way around - she had constant nursing strikes, and preferred a bottle. I used to start her on the bottle, and then transfer her onto the boob - a move not unlike the one used by Indiana Jones when he replaces the golden statuette with the bag of sand. Maybe something like that might work?

Bottle refuser here too - had a bit of joy from about 5 months if I expressed into a sippy cup (you know the tommee tippee ones with a red nib and handles). He was very happy to drink from that

I've only been breastfeeding, but expressed too and a lot of friends moved to combination feeding. The main things that seemed to work when they hit obstacles were:

1. Faster teat; at a certain age the babies don't want the slow baby teat any more.
2. Preferred teat type. Mine liked MAM, Avent and Tommee Tippee; wouldn't touch lansinoh nor NUK. Other babies were the opposite. You just have to find out which yours likes.
3. Using miracle 360 cup or doidy cup, the only way mine will take expressed milk now, though apparently he looks confused.
4. Hipp organic formula if the other brands aren't working
5. The baby can't be near you, when they can smell milk they'll just go for your boobs
6. Warm the milk slightly.

Good luck!

Ironically GP who has seen me regularly agrees I am mainly exhausted and overwrought rather than depressed. HV and formerly midwives keep pushing Anti-D’s dunno if it’s theyce had a bad rap for not catching it.

Pumping is so easy for me as it gushes out if he’s had a long sleep. Even expressing at 10 having fed him 7-8:30 yielded an easy 140ml.

Will try upping the teat to see if it helps though tbh the darned thing needs to go in his mouth first!

Thanks for the support; it’s quite overwhelming in terms of kindness.

I suspect that he knows that you ( and your boobs) are in the neighborhood and he is refusing the bottle until he gets what he wants. Stop feeding him completely - if he knows that he'll get a breastfeed if he hangs out enough, this will never end. To put it bluntly, if you were no longer there, he'd soon start feeding from the bottle because he'd be hungry. Every time you breastfeed him, he goes back to square one . Good luck !