Bottle Refuser - I need to stop breastfeeding

[Ifsomeonehadtoldme]

Posting here as everyone else seems to. The crux of the AIBU (if I had to give one) would technically be am I unreasonable to expect help
In quitting breastfeeding with a bottle refuser?

I have a 16 week old bottle refuser. He seemed to be happily taking them up until two weeks ago and the idea was that I was gently transitioning him to expressed bottles. DH now patiently sits every night trying to get him to take even an ounce from a bottle before I feed but it’s been two weeks of banging our heads off a brick wall.

Nothing is working and I can’t go on doing this. I miss every aspect of my three year old’s life because this one feeds so often (I appear to have crap boobs as first was the same), I am miserable every time I sit down to feed, the let down itself (not the latch) hurts tremendously and I need a break; he sleeps ok at nights but the cost is too great in terms of my sanity.

I fed the first for a year and I hated it and didn’t bond with him until I gave up. At least he took a bottle so I could go to my competitive swim club twice a week and latterly three times.

Spoke to health visitor who said I just needed to suck it up and carry on until he’s six months old but wouldn’t tell me why that helped since I know food is for fun until a year. She suggested therapy and antidepressants but since root cause of misery is breastfeeding not really sure why that would help.

I can’t feed him until he weans naturally and it makes me sob to think about feeding until he’s a year/ over a year/ whatever. I don’t understand all this business of cup feeding since 1. Everything is supposed to be sterilised and 2. He won’t put bottle in his mouth.

I’m supposed to be at an event that really matters to be in ten days and have had to cancel. Supposed to be at a child free wedding that also really matters to me in September, again looking like cancelling as venue not a hotel so hubby can’t squat in a room and I sneak out periodically.

I don’t know what to do and no one that’s supposed to provide advice will help me beyond essentially saying the most important thing is he’s breastfed to six months and stuff my mental health/ marriage/ relationship/ sense of self.

Literally running on empty: no energy, exhausted, no real time for self care beyond a three minute shower each morning, can’t go out as I hate feeding in public, missing out on doing anything with my three year old who I’m sure will stop asking me to play soon. I’m constantly panicked about what would happen to him if I got sick/ had accident/ needed to be away. Want to do KIT days at work as things changing rapidly and want to remind boss that I exist.

**Please be kind, I don’t need any more judgement than I’ve already had from the NHS or myself. I know I’m an awful person for not wanting to continue EBF and being miserable that all he wants is me.

Where can I get good advice? How does one cup feed a four month old who can’t yet sit up?

I'm a huge breastfeeding advocate but you don't want to do it - that is enough reason all by itself not to do it.

How you stop is a tricky one because at the moment your baby is dependent on milk feeds and while it's likely true that if you just cut him off he will eventually take a bottle rather than go hungry, it's not a stubbornness thing or a calculated thing on his part, cold turkey will be distressing for all of you and you would have to watch out for dehydration/malnutrition if he doesn't catch on quite quickly. Also stopping suddenly when you've been feeding so much can make you terribly ill (mastitis) so do be careful with that too (just to say frequent feeding doesn't mean you have crap boobs! Babies all have different patterns that vary over time).

I would agree with others - try cups, different bottles, maybe try nipple shields for a while to habituate him to the different sensation and then DH try again with a bottle and skin to skin, just keep trying. It's hard, and certainly you shouldn't have to keep feeding for any arbitrary length of time because some HV with a box to tick tells you so. But I'd really keep trying to do it in a way which is protective of both your physical health (whilst also respecting the mental health issues which breastfeeding is causing for you). You did an amazing thing for (both) your children for breastfeeding them as long as you have, especially given you dislike it so much - you have every right to want to stop and you will get it done xx

Those that did give in; how long were you stuck feeding?

Wow, disgusted but not surprised, unfortunately by the response and lack of support from the HV- horrendous. My body was in such tatters after giving birth that I formula fed, and the midwives made me feel so horrendous and guilty that I was in such a vulnerable place that I pumped alongside formula feeding to get my supply up and start at the 7 day point. I HATED it and was back to formula feeding within the week, and now looking back feel really angry that they made me feel like that, but anyway- apologies about the rant. Anyhow, 4 months is an amazing achievement and you deserve to do this for the sake of your mental health (or even if you just wanted to for no real reason to be honest). I was BF for a lot less time then you have, but found that the MAM bottles were fab, and I did have to either leave the house whilst my OH fed her for a day or so, or try and cover my milk smell. Good luck and all the best.

Do you have a HV drop in clinic locally? We have a weekly one, and you should hopefully find that someone is more supportive and can give you advice to cause the least discomfort to you and distress for LO.

It took us ages to find the right cup, but we finally found a sippy cup that worked for dd. Bottles were a lost cause. I just bought one sippy cup After another. In retrospect, I wish I had just gone to a big baby store and bought one of every cup they carried in one outing, but I was trying to be frugal.

Have you tried a doidy cup?
They are slanted so they're easier to use. I stopped breastfeeding my second at 3 months old as he was always on the boob and I never had any time to myself or with his older brother. He wasn't keen on taking the bottle but I found he'd use the doidy cup although I was never sure how much he'd drank or spilt under his chin!
I also started weaning him at 4 months old with baby rice and fruit purees

Here's some things to try if you haven't already:

Make sure the milk is really warm not tepid as they hate it

Cover the teat with milk, have it dripping so baby smells gets the idea

Try a dream feed with a bottle

Try first feed upon waking when sleepy and rooting about

I doubt a higher flow teat will do the trick just now as breast fed babies have a strong suck, the milk may come too fast and scare baby off

Don't be in the room/house

Even if you pump then feed straight away you'll find it too cold for them, then you have the lipase problem you mentioned. How about trying with formula?

Good luck x

I had a bottle refuser until 6 months. Spend £100s on bottles. Tried my milk warm, cold, formula etc etc. In the end she took a Lansinoh bottle with formula. Admittedly I haven't read the whole thread but really rate Lansinoh.

What happened at six months to change things. Have the lanisoh doesn’t seem impressed. Ocado is bringing nipple shields tomorrow to see if they’ll detach him a bit.

Is there an infant feeding team near you that might be able to offer support? Mine were great when I struggled with feeding issues with all 3 children. Have you been checked for thrush? The very painful let down sounds like when I had thrush.

The HV sounds unhelpful but she possibly picked up on your emotions surrounding this and wondered if you needed help in that way. Your post comes across as very frustrated and angry so I too wonder if you might need support emotionally in caring for two young children because it's bloody hard work. I wonder if how you feel about breastfeeding your baby is a result of PND? As gently as possibly it comes across that your need to go to events and to do kit days are taking over what you and your baby need rather than want. Are you under pressure to bounce back to "normality?" It might just be the frustration talking though and the way it's written., It's ok to admit you're not ok. Is your bond with the baby good? You mentioned you didn't feel bonded to your first until you stopped feeding that's why I ask. Your baby is only 16 weeks, is there such a rush to get back to big events and work?

All 3 of mine took a Avent bottle of expressed milk happily but they would feed for hours like they'd been starved once I was home. It's not the same for them and nursing is not the same as just feeding. With dc 3 I've not been back to work yet so he's only had a bottle twice. Guzzled then then wanted me 😩 He's 4 now and still having a bedtime feed.

I'm so sorry you feel so negative about this and hope you find a solution

Really don’t think it’s PND I hated breastfeeding from the start but thought I’d gradually cut it down to expressed bottles by six months and gradually switch to formula over a few weeks. I breastfed for 12 months with first and really shouldn’t have.

I understand what you’re saying about the events etc but it’s about me having a but if time and being happy.

It’s fabulous you still feed at four but for me it’s my worst nightmare to be giving any feeds past one.

Of course you are not being unreasonable OP. Your mental health is so important and if you don't feel you carry on BF then there is a perfectly acceptable alternative in formula.
You mention your baby is 16 weeks. Can you starting your baby on a tommee tippee beaker and bring it to his mouth and eventually teach him how to hold it himself if he is really struggling with a bottle. Good luck OP.

Haven't RTFT but expressing IME outta the worst of both worlds... Time consuming, miserable, needs equipment.

You do have to go somewhere else whilst DH is feeding.

Just try formula with a cup or bottle perhaps and only breastfeed morning and night perhaps?

With DC1 I was convinced that formula would poison her and didn't use it at all until 8 months.

With DC2 I couldn't keep up, mix fed from 4 months for a couple of weeks then went 100% to formula. Both DCs were fine.

I could express but hated it. Don't give yourself too hard a time. Your DC is 16 weeks, they've had a lot of the good stuff already.

No advice really but solidarity. I have an 8 month old who used to take a bottle but stopped somewhere around month 3. I've been trying bottle feeds twice daily for at least 2 months - no joy with multiple bottles/teats/cups/beakers/warm milk/cold milk/vanilla essence - you name it, I've tried it. Weaning has not been revolutionary - a few spoonfuls of food three times a day funnily enough does not dampen her love of the boob!

Breastfeeding should certainly not be forced upon you, and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty for wanting to stop. I wonder though if part of the reason the health visitors seem so unhelpful is because there isn't a solution for it?

Good luck, I hope you find something that works for you.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/breastfeeding-help-support/

You might find some help here OP. Whilst it might mainly be help for the start of breastfeeding you might find that there's knowledge and experience available on how to wean from the breast and advice from those who have had bottle refusers. The breastfeeding network were really good as was my local breastfeeding drop in group. I had issues at around 8 months with dd2 and maybe 9 months or even older with ds. He might even have been over 12 months and the little horror was falling asleep and biting down on me. He still does it now but as it's only at bedtime and I've got used to anticipating the bite I am able to prevent any damage.

I do still think it's worth exploring your feelings around breastfeeding. My pnd manifested in irritability and feeling touched out and being exhausted. I never felt down or particularly sad. I was fucking irritable and angry though. I've recently come off the antidepressants and am once again miss PMT 24/7. I denied I had a problem for years after dd1 and wish so much that I hadn't as I felt so much calmer once in treatment. I saw it as failing. But for me my identity as a mother was tied up in my ability to breastfeed. I was very lucky that I had help from my specialist midwife and the breastfeeding groups/network as I struggled with thrush, strep B infection in my breasts, cracked, bleeding nipples, painful let down, mastitis and they all fed every hour for the first weeks and at 6 months were still 2 hourly. It was what we did though. My attitude was kind of: have boobs, will travel and I fed anywhere and everywhere. I felt immensely proud and relieved that I could do this thing that I'd been determined to do since I even thought about having children. Your emotional connection to feeding is totally different and I question why. It's obviously a huge thing for you and causing you distress so please seek further help. All the best for you and your LO

I also had a bottle refuser and I didn't really crack it until 6 months. I tried every cup/bottle but this one is the best. It's a cup/bottle hybrid and not messy.
www.amazon.co.uk/Munchkin-Latch-Transition-Trainer-Cup/dp/B00RIWB67E?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
I also used the munchkin latch 360 more recently too.
I started giving him cool boiled water with his meals and he took it. I've no doubt he would drink formula.
I found as he ate more and breastfed less and I could leave him for a few hours it became a lot easier so the pressure I felt to wean him disappeared and we're still going at 8 months.
The worst I felt was at your stage when he would reject my expressed milk from yet another bottle. Trust me this phase will pass!

God I hope so! My DH said the same thing and I do know from experience things do feel like they last forever.

All thoughts welcome. Even if we’re doing most of them at least it’s reassuring that we’re doing all we can.

Have just been given a referral to a lactation specialist about whom I’ve heard good things. Apparently she’s good at coming up with a plan that helps even accepting that there may be no solution to current issue.
current issue.

Good plan! It's all going to work out in the end anyway, and will feel more manageable
soon,no matter what you do. Bottle refusal is the pits though, it's almost when the feeding choice is taken away from you, the panic can really set in!

Have you tried formula in a bottle? My ebf first had to be given a bottle of formula once when my supply was spoiled when I was away, she bloody loved it having been an absolute pain in the neck over bottles of BM. She was about ten months though.

I tried to stop bf with my dd2 about the same age as yours is and it didn't work. I am somehow still feeding her at 16 months which I also didn't want to be doing and it has made me feel fed up and not helped my mental health. I wish I had tried harder back then, even though i did try hard. So I think you should try stop and don't feel bad about it.
With my eldest dd she refused bottles around 4 to 5 months old bit then started to take them more and more until she was having them more then breast milk so was easy to stop breastfeeding about 7 months. I though my second dd would be the same but she isn't she is so stubborn.

You’re doing a great job and it’s so annoying but you’ll overcome this together.

I politely disagree with those saying you’re prioritising events and KIT days over your baby. Your frustration is that you can’t do anything to feel human. This is taking over your life - it sucks and it’s so common. When you’re in the thick of it, it’s hard to see ahead either.

Very much agree with those suggesting OH helps out - great that he’s involved - and you both just keep trying and trying - especially using opportunities when bubs is more relaxed (ie not absolutely freaking out starving or screaming crying). It’s trial and error but you’ll get there.

Honestly the best person at getting my baby to take a bottle is my mum - I think she’s one step even further removed and not worn down by the process - and he can sense that

Mine was mixed feed from the start and is currently on a bit of a bottle strike having never refused one before - I’m convinced it’s because because he knows I am cutting down on bf. Babies are smart and they know what they like!

Also if it makes you feel any better my MWs and HVs have been pushing me towards anti depressants from day 1. Not CBT or therapy, not support, not a hug and a cup of tea and someone to listen to - straight on the drugs. I have suffered depression before and like you I know that what I have right now is exhaustion (which could tip into depression if it’s not kept in check but we aren’t there yet). Really what I’ve needed most is a night of full sleep and half an hour in the bath.

Oh also hugely second the suggestion of making sure the milk in the bottle is really nice and warm. We joke that my baby likes it just off the boil 😂

I fed until 18 months when a cold combined with a nursing strike meant DS stopped cold turkey. I could probably have got him back on again as I didn't mind bf by that point but I work FT and by that time was ttc number 2 (got pregnant the following cycle after he stopped) so didn't bother.

You don't need to worry too much about sterilising if you're using breastmilk and/or using freshly made up formula/ready made and (crucially) not storing the milk for hours/days in the unsterilised container. Plus sterilising is a fallback in case an item is not washed thoroughly. If it is washed thoroughly, again, less of a need to sterilise.

With cup feeding you tilt it so that they can lap at it like a little kitten. More difficult with older baby than newborn. And a huge faff/time consuming, but could be an interim step e.g. starting with open cup, move to tommee tippee free flow cup, then a valve type cup.

If you can get somebody to try giving it who is very much used to bottle feeding babies - e.g. a nanny, childminder, grandmother or relative who only ever bottle fed their own - that can be a different approach, I don't know quite what it is but it seems to help.

Have you tried latex teats - sometimes texture more of an issue than shape. Also, one of those bottles you used to see in the 80s/90s (usually with juice in) which have a hole in the middle so easy for a toddler to hold. You can try giving as a play object, empty or with water in, in the hope that eventually baby discovers this is nice to chew on.

I had three bottle refusers. Finally on the third I discovered latex teats which are softer and feel more like skin. I started giving ebm at first and then did expressed ebm mixed with formula moving from 90% ebm:10%formula upping the formula amount by 10% every few days until no ebm was included. DH had to do the bottles at first, but once LO had got used to them I was able to give them too. I just went to work and left them to it all day because we had tried everything else and my new job had started. LO also liked the milk quite warm too and moved onto regular teats once bottle feeding was established.