Bottle Refuser - I need to stop breastfeeding

[Ifsomeonehadtoldme]

Posting here as everyone else seems to. The crux of the AIBU (if I had to give one) would technically be am I unreasonable to expect help
In quitting breastfeeding with a bottle refuser?

I have a 16 week old bottle refuser. He seemed to be happily taking them up until two weeks ago and the idea was that I was gently transitioning him to expressed bottles. DH now patiently sits every night trying to get him to take even an ounce from a bottle before I feed but it’s been two weeks of banging our heads off a brick wall.

Nothing is working and I can’t go on doing this. I miss every aspect of my three year old’s life because this one feeds so often (I appear to have crap boobs as first was the same), I am miserable every time I sit down to feed, the let down itself (not the latch) hurts tremendously and I need a break; he sleeps ok at nights but the cost is too great in terms of my sanity.

I fed the first for a year and I hated it and didn’t bond with him until I gave up. At least he took a bottle so I could go to my competitive swim club twice a week and latterly three times.

Spoke to health visitor who said I just needed to suck it up and carry on until he’s six months old but wouldn’t tell me why that helped since I know food is for fun until a year. She suggested therapy and antidepressants but since root cause of misery is breastfeeding not really sure why that would help.

I can’t feed him until he weans naturally and it makes me sob to think about feeding until he’s a year/ over a year/ whatever. I don’t understand all this business of cup feeding since 1. Everything is supposed to be sterilised and 2. He won’t put bottle in his mouth.

I’m supposed to be at an event that really matters to be in ten days and have had to cancel. Supposed to be at a child free wedding that also really matters to me in September, again looking like cancelling as venue not a hotel so hubby can’t squat in a room and I sneak out periodically.

I don’t know what to do and no one that’s supposed to provide advice will help me beyond essentially saying the most important thing is he’s breastfed to six months and stuff my mental health/ marriage/ relationship/ sense of self.

Literally running on empty: no energy, exhausted, no real time for self care beyond a three minute shower each morning, can’t go out as I hate feeding in public, missing out on doing anything with my three year old who I’m sure will stop asking me to play soon. I’m constantly panicked about what would happen to him if I got sick/ had accident/ needed to be away. Want to do KIT days at work as things changing rapidly and want to remind boss that I exist.

**Please be kind, I don’t need any more judgement than I’ve already had from the NHS or myself. I know I’m an awful person for not wanting to continue EBF and being miserable that all he wants is me.

Where can I get good advice? How does one cup feed a four month old who can’t yet sit up?

Saw someone suggest DH feeding skin to skin can help encourage babies to take bottles. Something to try. Definitely stop if you want. But if you just go cold turkey it will be painful and risk mastitis. Better to stop more slowly. I got myself a bit trapped bfing for various reasons. I hate it - you are really not alone. No more babies planned here but if I had an accident I would be FF from birth like I did with my first.

Completely feeling for you OP. Mine was a refuser and now only takes from Lansinoh bottles. Definitely worth trying to find the right one.

I wonder about seeing an IBCLC to assess his mouth. Then working with them to plan the transition to bottle feeding. A good IBCLC should be able to help you do it. They generally have some counseling skills too so you can unload all the frustration as well. 16 weeks with painful let down and feeling so trapped is super hero effort.

I agree with the teat

I used a variflow teat with my two. It will come out quickly if they suck hard but nice and slow if they don’t.

It helped as mine would get angry it wasn’t flowing quickly enough but then once content they liked to take it at their own leisure

Also, think about leaving the house for a little while.

He can see you, smell you, hear you and knows you will crack and give him the breast.

If you go out when he is due to be fed, even if you just sit in the garden, he may give up and take the bottle

Both of mine refused bottles. I went back to work when they were 5.5 months and they drank from free-flowing sippy cups. Messy, but they drank.

Also, they both preferred formula rather than expressed milk, when it wasn't coming from my breasts. Have you tried formula? We had to try 2-3 different brands before finding one they'd accept.

It is a nightmare, but you do not have to keep BF if you don't want to.

Also, from 6 months I dropped down to feeding them just once in the morning and then in the evening. All daytime feeds were formula. That's also a possibiltiy to free you up?

My eldest refused all teats and spouts on cups and bottles from birth. (Prem with little sucking reflex and severe tongue tie, so could not latch on to start with.) He would get more and more upset when these were offered, no matter how hungry he was. Even as a toddler he refused them, and he never once took a dummy. We used Doidy cups, and he fed fine from these. Amazon sell them, as do Boots and Doidy have a website too. He did manage some breast feeding as well, eventually, but he could take a full feed from a Doidy cup. Nursery got used to using this with him as well. Good luck!

Do doidy cups come with instructions? I’m struggling to picture how they work...

Have you tried feeding with formula? Again with you away out, faster teat etc. If you are looking to drop feeds/ stop anyway then worth a go.

My friend had a total bottle refuser and at 4.5 months it was effecting her mental health to an enormous degree. She tried all kinds of bottles, cups, different formulas etc but one day (when her partner had really become very worried about her)she went out in the morning and didn't return until after lunch the next day. Her mum and her partner had the full range of bottles and formula and the longest night of their lives but the baby took a bottle and was ff from then on. It's a pretty extreme way to do it but she absolutely could not carry on bf. Don't feel guilty even for a second.

Hi OP

I am a massive breastfeeding supporter but in your situation I'd totally give up completely. It's not worth it. I totally know what you mean about the pressure of being the sole person that can keep your baby alive - it's not pleasant. Carrying on breastfeeding or mixed feeding is literally not helping anyone in your family. Hes had almost 4 months which is better than most and is an amazing achievement. In my experience some babies can be encouraged to breast or bottle feed when their preference is the other one but some are stubborn and literally nothing works

Take your toddler out for thr day, leave your baby with his dad and formula, and have fun. If the worst comes to the worst and he doesn't take formula after 12 hours of trying, he wont stave and you will at least have had a day out.

I had 2 bottle refusers. Not so good news is that nothing worked with DC1. I really tried everything, all the bottles on the market, all the sippy and doidy cups, spoon feeding - nothing.
But got DC2 back to bottles after she also refused them around 8 weeks old - trick was to use a latex teat, and to hold it in hot water just before sticking it in the mouth. If the teat was cold, she would outright refuse.

I had a bottle refuser and didn’t find a solution. Fortunately there was no urgency for me and I carried on breastfeeding. In your case that’s not the correct option for you and your midwives/HV should be ashamed for telling you to suck it up. I see you said you’ve tried the Minbie, I also tried that and told them on Twitter that it didn’t work. They told me to contact them and they would offer suggestions to make the transition work. I didn’t, but it may be worth you getting in touch to see if they can help.

My minbie bottle just arrived, I'm praying it'll be the magic one! I'll let you know if it is 🤞🏻

They are just slanted cups. My two loved them for soup.

Two bottle refusers here.
One went easily on to a miracle 360 munchkin cup at around 4 months. I didn't bother sterilising as by that stage she was rolling herself around licking my floor for fun.
2nd would only take cold EBM (straight from fridge) from a MAM bottle. Took way too long to figure that out.
Hopefully that helps.
Please don't feel guilty about stopping BF- happy mum=happy baby.....

I had two bottle refusers. I'm not much help in that I was happy to continue BFing past their first birthdays. With DS1 I had a big stress that he was about to start nursery and in desperation we tried a day of DH around and trying to feed him with this bottle and that bottle. It probably didn't help that we were inavertantly trying to force feed him with allergens, and I struggled with expressing. It got far too miserable for me and my rock like boobs and too miserable for DS and I cracked.

I didn't even go there with DS2. When he was 4m I started going out to a fitness clasz in the evening and he was not interested in a bottle at all.

They both happily abstained from milk at nursery and fed when they got home.

They were fine for gaps between feeds so I had some independent life for a few hours at a time. DS2 was used to feeding in a carrier wherever we were. He even managed me going on a 4 day absence at 12m, and just latched back on the moment he saw me. Not particularly helpful for OP, but there is some space for independent life with bottle refusing babies.

DS1 has a lot of sensory issues. I had put his bottle refusing down to CMPA, but wonder if there was a sensory element too.

My son wouldn't take formula.

Only breastmilk.

Until he was 4. Just before his 4th birthday we discussed it and he agreed. Apart from a couple of breast feeds over the next couple of weeks he stuck to it.

It was really strangely mature (for a 3 year old!). But I was a SAHM single parent. And I suppose I had the luxury. It seems a shame that more is not offerred.

They know what they like and they like the breastmilk.

I don't want to be judgemental OP. And I'm not. But I do think its sad that women are not given the space and freedom to feed their babies as their babies prefer. I look around and its all "back to work" and "rushing in and out of cars" and bottles to accommodate this.

But, as it happens, I don't think stopping breastmilk will be the end of the world! I think your Health Visitor should be giving you more advice. I hope you get more help here too.

p.s. I do also think it depends on the baby/toddler. Some are much more easygoing. Something you only realise later on when you come across babies who sleep through the night etc etc.

Some of the parents in my NCT group have said the only thing that worked for their bottle refusers was this bottle which looks like a boob.

www.mimijumi.co.uk/

Faster flow teat is my advice. I gave up at 6 weeks ds1 and about 8 weeks ds2. They both struggled until I change to faster flow. It did shock them the first time, but after s few goes they were fine.

I gave up because of the pain with ds1 and ds2 I felt like a cow constantly being milked. He was attached to my boob 24/7...... okay slight exaggeration but that’s how it felt. I was bloody miserable! I had a few comments from MIL etc but she was soon put in her place by her sister ‘you’ve never breast fed having adopted children you don’t know how hard it can be mentally and physically’ she never mentioned it again. I was so happy when dp could take over feeds.

A mam bottle with formula not expressed breast milk was the only thing that worked here

I had a bottle refuser! In the end I caved and just bf-ed BUT not before I tried

• different temperatures of milk
• different formulas
• a dummy to see if I could get him used to a teat
• routine - bottle at same time everyday (sounds like you're doing this anyway) but also shifting it to try different times
• offering breast then bottle to finish
• offering bottle when he wasn't hungry so that he wasn't stressed / just to get him used to it
• different teats / bottles which you've done.

My friend had similar and took a hardline approach - went out all day leaving baby with her DH. Eventually the baby caved and took a bottle. It was a brave choice but it worked. Whoever has the baby needs to be prepared for a lot of tears though from what she said!
Good luck!

From 4 months both my dds had expressed milk/ water on super hot days from a free flow spout cup. Vital Baby free flow ones were my favourite. They start to get the hang of their hands around 4 months so might drink more because of the novelty.

Scalding expressed milk in a saucepan, just until bubbles appear on the surface, can stop the taste from the lipase thing.

Mine has just come out of neonatal where they recommend buying the cheapest bottles available. Apparently most babies prefer less gimmicks. Boots do one for 99p. Amazon do packs of sterifeed ones, ten are less than a tenner. Perhaps worth a try?