Should the better off subsidise their less well off friends?

[isothickithinkimclever]

Just that really I have several people including a brother a sister and some friends who are far better off than us financially ( in other respects not so much tbh)
So when we do things with them
Or when it's our turn to reciprocate invites to houses I dread our turn as it's a huge impact on our finances.'thing is I love their company but I don't think they have any clue about what a struggle it is fir us to keep up with them.
It's our turn to have three couples fir dinner but I keep putting it off as paying fir food wine beers etc is going to be a strain.
I've known these people fir ever some are relatives
They know what my job is and what I earn and yet ..
My title is wrong what I mean is can you be friends with people who are far richer than you?

If they’re good friends, can’t you ask them to bring a bottle? Surely they’d understand?

I'm not really explaining myself well
Yes they'd always bring stuff a bottle of champagne flowers all really lovely but catering for 4-5 couples is a financial challenge and I don't want to keep on about money or lack of in my 'sweet' house

We are the 'poor relations' in our family. When we go out with them to eat, they always insist on paying. We don't always let them, but then it does put a strain on our budget that month if we do pay.
I prefer to host because I can cook on a modest budget. Spending time with friends shouldn't be about spending more money than you can afford. A big bowl of veggie chilli, some rice and tortilla chips/dips is a inexpensive sharing meal.

Would you struggle to host at all or do you have a budget for it?

It doesn’t totally remove the challenge, but you need to go for economical menus eg starter, homemade carrot and coriander soup, or homemade chicken liver pate, both are super cheap to make.
Go veggie main course, and steer away from expensive side dishes like out of season veg. Ditto puddings.
The difference between feeding ten for supper on under £30 or over £100 is just menu choice.

Almost everyone I know is far richer than me and some of them are honestly lottery winner rich. No one cares that you’re not serving them champagne and caviar - they’re you’re friends!

They should absolutely not be subsidising you. Your finances are not their problem. But if they’re mates you should be able to say “oooh I know it’s our turn but can we duck out this time?” or just bung something cheap in the oven. They’re there to see you, nothing else. Ask if they’ll all bring a bottle and then bring out a couple of bottles of something cheap after.

If any of them actually give a shit, sod them, they’re not your friends.

I know what you mean OP. I have spent a long time being the poor relation. When I cater for family I make two big lasagnes, one veggie. Big salad, cous-cous salad, lots of french sticks. Tortilla crisps for starter. Get them to bring a bottle each. Or go to Lidl or Costco for alcohol. And someone is usually happy to bring a dessert!

YABU - there's no 'should' about it at all. For whatever reason your finances are not as solid as theirs, it is not their responsibility to bring you up to par.

As PP have said, you really can cater for them all relatively cheaply.

Of course you can be friend, just don't try to be who you are not.

If they are real friends, they don't expect anything from you and would be mortified to put you out.

Don't try, just do your own things: make a paella and a jar of sangria, don't bother with wine (just an example).

Decline the invitations to places that would be too much for you, but make sure you arrange to meet in another setting soon.

Would you treat differently your "rich" friends and your "poor" friends, and serve different things to them? Think about it, it's rather rude and patronising if you do.

It’s possible to cater very inexpensively.
The first time I had my family to lunch -12 of them- I made cream of pea & mint soup (using tinned peas ) and I baked a cheap gammon with a molasses crust, made a chilli con carne with a green salad and lots of value baguettes. I got them to each bring a bottle & my sister made a strawberry gateau.

I think the whole thing cost me about £20.

They are coming to see you and each other, not to worry about the level of the cuisine.

home made Pizza salads coleslaw olives humous (economy) & 2 choice of pud & filter coffee & aldi/lidl wine & get a board game for a giggle.

I expect it depends if they mind and what you’re suggesting as a solution. If you want to entertain more cheaply then I wouldn’t care at all, but if the idea is one couple does the entertaining and you don’t then for me that’s not ok.

I find people often massively over estimate how “rich” people are.

Only you know how tight your budget is. In theory, their hosting saved you from making meals at home. So could you take the money you would have spent on those meals plus the one you are hosting and make something. Depending on how tight your budget is, I could see that you might not be able to come up with a meal you are comfortable serving to guests. However, if you do have some budget, I agree with the other posters, just make something inexpensive.

I know exactly what you mean! We have been the “poor relations”.

My advice is not to do dinners, but do barbecues and buffet lunches or just have them round for a cup of tea and slice of cake.

I don’t think they should subsidise you, but I also think you need to be strong and confident in yourselves and entertain within your budget.

I am the poorer friend in this situation. It's for this reason that we don't go out for meals/on holidays with our wider friendship groups any more as we can't afford what they would like to do. However, in this situation I don't think anyone would mind being asked to bring a bottle and you can just keep the food simple. Put out some cheap crisps or nuts instead of a starter and then do something like a couple of pasta bakes for the main? You could also ask if they would be prepared to bring dessert.

Essentially? No

However my friends and I tend to go by loving rules. My DP is v rich. The rest are not but some have been and some will be. We play by the rules that if we want a poorer friend out with us they pay 2 to 1 rounds (sometimes house rounds).

I didn't have money for about 5 years, they spotted me every time. I have money now and one is a student, I'll spot her.

Etc. I trust these friends more than members of my own family and we will continue to enable each other no matter what - divorcing? I got you for 6 months. Student? 2-1 rounds for 3 years and ad Infinitum.They get a good job and they spontaneously buy me new garden furniture.

We love each other. Other friends I'm not so close to I'll occasionally spot an extra round but I'm not a mug.

I’m probably the better off person in this scenario and I would be completely mortified if I knew that inviting me for dinner was causing you stress and meant you were having to budget. I don’t care what we eat, I’ve come to spend time with you and you’ve welcomed me into your home.

I’d happily pay or food but I confess I wouldn’t offer this for fear of being seen as patronising or superior.

Our wealthier friend tend to 'dumb down' to our level, but we did all grow up and go to school together, so they are coming back to their roots IYSWIM. BBQs, 'one pot' meals (eg chilli, lasagne) or a roast are far and away the cheapest and easiest things to do. Only host in summer when you can push everyone outside!

just have them round for a cup of tea and slice of cake.

^^ that really isnt an option for couples socialising of an evening is it ?

I’d say we are one of the poorest out of all of our family members-probably not the very poorest out of our friends though, but it’s often us that hosts due to house shape and location.

I don’t give a crap but I don’t cook expensive things. I’m more likely to do baked potatoes with chilli/cheese etc and rice with wine and beers in the fridge than a ‘dinner party’.

Don’t pull out because the situation won’t go away and it’s not fair for them to always host.

Hosting is more about providing a space for people to get together and always being the one that ‘gets out of’ the house tidying, serving drinks and clearing away afterwards bit of it just isn’t fair.

Do it but go cheap!

I wouldn't hang out with people if I can't pay my way.

In this situation I would make lasagne or similar, buy the ingredients and 4 bottles of wine in Aldi. No wine if super skint.

always being the one that ‘gets out of’ the house tidying, serving drinks and clearing away afterwards bit of it just isn’t fair.
This is my feeling. I love hosting but not every time.

A meal doesn't have to be expensive.

It's wrong to accept their hospitality and not return it so if you all host then you should take your turn.

I don't think your friends should
subsidise you but I do think it's perfectly ok for you to serve very inexpensive food when you host. You can't go accepting others hospitality then not taking your turn too.

There are plenty of ideas for inexpensive meals online.

Your thread title...yabu. As the poorest friends, i would be humiliated at the idea of being subbed. To me that suggests money under the table.

However from your OP, just stop trying to 'keep up with the Jones'. We reciprocate friends in the same way but we do a 2 course meal like a home made lasagne rather then the swordfish they do. It's massive and feeds all and as a bonus i use most of the leftover veg i have. Then a cheescake/fruit/trifle. A few bottles of wine, inexpensive ones. They have starters, mains and deserts plus cheeseboard and bubbles. Are they paying more? Yes but it's their choice, we don't choose to compete or match and if there was issue we would stop being in the party rota.

Agree with others - accepting hospitality with no intention of returning it is rude. How skint are you? As PP said, you can put on a decent spread for £20 or so. Get them to bring wine/beer instead of flowers & Prosecco. If you can’t stretch to that you’re going to have to start turning down invitations as it’s unfair.