Should the better off subsidise their less well off friends?

[isothickithinkimclever]

Just that really I have several people including a brother a sister and some friends who are far better off than us financially ( in other respects not so much tbh)
So when we do things with them
Or when it's our turn to reciprocate invites to houses I dread our turn as it's a huge impact on our finances.'thing is I love their company but I don't think they have any clue about what a struggle it is fir us to keep up with them.
It's our turn to have three couples fir dinner but I keep putting it off as paying fir food wine beers etc is going to be a strain.
I've known these people fir ever some are relatives
They know what my job is and what I earn and yet ..
My title is wrong what I mean is can you be friends with people who are far richer than you?

Hmmmm very interesting replies
It's not just a case of a vegetable lasagna though.
It's things like let's go to Chelsea flower show, then a meal out plus drinks. For us that's not an option which is fine I accept that's a real luxury fir most people I'd imagine but I really hate saying we can't afford that so I end up lying about other commitments that they know are rubbish- they know us so well-because I do not want to be pleading poverty .
Another example let's hire a villa in Croatia in the summer holidays -super expensive - we can't go due to ££. Obviously if I had the money it's exactly what I'd love to do and I don't expect them to slum it on our behalf at all. I just wonder if you are pretty well off do you just forget what it's like to not have the spare cash.
In some ways as well the people I know have a kind of knock on wealth because they tend to get stuff that others never would - corporate freebie tickets to events. One friend got tickets to Wimbledon finals and left after an hour as she doesn't like tennis.
Air miles to sub holidays etc
Don't get me wrong they work hard and have taken risks so they totally deserve their rewards it is just being friends with them feels quite difficult to me and probably to them.

Why don't you like to say you can't afford it? Are you embarrassed you both earn less?

The more you say it, the more natural it becomes. "Thanks but it's out of our budget, happy to meet up and go to X (affordable place) another time though."

Some of our friends are wealthy, we just suggests alternatives on different dates. They still do their thing and we meet another day to do something else.

If you can't afford to do the expensive outings but give made up excuses why you can't go then your friends won't know it because you can't afford it. Personally I'd rather be asked than not asked but I wouldn't have a problem saying somethings too expensive.

What happens when you suggest low cost activities?

Honestly OP, this was me for a long time and it ended up tearing the friendships apart. We just never saw the people anymore because they were always doing expensive things, and we could never go. Eventually the friendships fizzled, and, honestly, I'm kind of glad they did because the pressure is gone.

I think it would be far fairer "would love to but can't afford it/it's beyond our financial means"

Invite them to meet up at nice outdoor spaces for a BYO picnic or suggest places to meet up and eat out that are affordable to you as a treat.

They live in their bubble and are being thoughtless and it's far better they know 100% that you live spending time with them but you just can't spend the £ they can.

I suspect the issue here is your sensitivity.

You've been going and enjoying what these people provide. It's right to reciprocate, and you could have put away two pounds a week or something to enable you to do so. You can cater very inexpensively as others have said.

If they got to events you can't afford just be honest and say you can't afford it. Why lie and make up silly excuses.

Another example let's hire a villa in Croatia in the summer holidays -super expensive - we can't go due to ££. Obviously if I had the money it's exactly what I'd love to do and I don't expect them to slum it on our behalf at all. I just wonder if you are pretty well off do you just forget what it's like to not have the spare cash.
No I think they are inviting you because they’d like you to come but totally accept if you can’t afford it. Surely that’s normal? You’ve said yourself it’s what you would choose if you had the cash, are you expecting them to choose holidays on your budget?

Tickets to events you aren’t interested in are a chore not a perk. Think of a sport you don’t follow hockey? Golf? Swimming? How long would you really want to spend watching it and how much of a treat is it?

They live in their bubble and are being thoughtless and it's far better they know 100% that you live spending time with them but you just can't spend the £ they can

That's the daftest thing I've ever read. What are they supposed to do. Not go to things they want to because the op can't afford it? Never invite her to anything? Not go on group holidays they all want?

They clearly do things at a lower cost to, like entertain at home. The op doesn't even want to do this. Really what options do they have? They only socialise together at free events where people bring their own?

You need to be more honest, but even so, it's not really an issue.

I would decline to hire the villa in Croatia. I could afford it, but I don't want to holiday with other people. I need my own space, I wouldn't even spend more than a weekend in the same hotel.

It's not a big deal.

People with more money are in a difficult position: they don't want to patronise you and keep you out of invitations even if they know you can't afford it, but they also don't want to go to a cheaper and less appealing holiday or event because why should they.

Stick with them when you can afford it, invite to to cheaper event and it's fine. As long as you keep in touch.

You are the only one who put herself under pressure. If they didn't like you, they wouldn't bother to invite you.

You are the only one who put herself under pressure. If they didn't like you, they wouldn't bother to invite you.
That!

Just tell them, your finances don't stretch to Croatia, Chelsea etc.

If you want to host then have a look at some cheap, tasty meals, make a virtue out of that necessaity. And tell them to bring ALL the booze, don't be coy about your lack of expendable cash.

If they like you they won't disappear. Family especially.

@Bluntness100 I didn't mean the friends should change or swap their plans!!!

As the op isn't honest about finances not stretching to x y z then it's quite possible her friends are unaware that her finances don't stretch that far... I'm often surprised at what friends prioritise spending their money and can/can't afford assuming what they say to me is true.

I wouldn't be ashamed to say 'sounds great but it's a bit pricey' and suggest seeing them another time. No need to worry about your friends feeling awkward, it's better to be honest rather than make up a phoney excuse if they are close so they won't know if you genuinely can't make it or don't want to. No need to go into the minute details of your finances.

I get it's not nice to be reminded you are on a much tighter budget and am in a similar position myself as bridesmaid for a 'society' type wedding abroad with lots of additional parties and weekends away that I simply cannot afford to go to (my dear friend's family is much wealthier than I am). However, good friends and family want to see you for your company where possible. Its lovely they want to include you in their plans but if these don't work for you, it's better to be honest and proactive in suggesting alternatives. Have you tried this before to any avail?

I have to admit, when I don't want to do something, I tend to blame finances and pretend that I can't afford it, as opposed to be brutally blunt and say I don't want to.

You have to be honest sometimes, but it's usually easier to spare feelings and tell others people you are broke.

I don't think people really judge you if you have less money, I've never felt it with my friends and family.

Yes sorry perhaps I have not been clear enough.
I always take my turn to host and never skimp when I do - but have been putting it off a bit longer tha n I should have I guess.
I definitely do not expect anyone to curtail their lifestyle because of me and hope I didn't give that impression.
I only meant I wondered if anyone else found it difficult?
BTW I have a wonderful life I have my health a lovely husband and children and a job that although not very well paid is a " making a difference " profession that I am proud of likewise DH.Oh and I mustn't forget my lovely dog!,,
I so I am not feeling sorry for myself just a bit sad that I can't keep up with the people I like spending time with as they are so much better off. ( My friendship group and their families are on a Greek island holiday for this half term for example- good for them it looks fabulous)
Probs time to extend my friendship group to people who are more like me I think.

I get you OP. I don't struggle the same way; my friends are a lot more sensitive than yours seem to be about suggesting activities I can't afford. But I do understand the way you feel!

Be honest about not being able to afford it. It's the easiest way :) Invite to dinner at yours but do the food on your own terms. If they're good friends they won't care or comment :)

I get you Op. I’m a single parent currently living off £100 a week. My social circle is very wealthy and I have had to grow a thick skin around just saying “sorry I can’t afford that!” Sometimes they will pay for supper for me, but I always make sure I buy them little things that I can afford - so I’ll make sure I get the coffees in. They know I love them, and I’m not taking the piss. That said, they have no real idea of my budget. A friends invited us up to their holiday cottage but I can’t sven afford the petrol to get there, never mind any extras being away from home would entail. So whilst it’s a “cheap” option, it would never occur to them that it’s still out of my range.

I've been the poor friend for a long time and I'm probably the rich friend now.
IMO if you are the rich friend you either make the invite inclusive (eating round each others houses, cheap visit to free attraction etc) or you offer to pay.
It's selfish to knowingly put someone in an awkward position.

If they are going to judge you on the amount you spend on entertaining them do you really want them in your house?
A very good friend of ours who is well off and whose wife likes to spend a fortune on impressive food, called round late afternoon and found out that I had a meat and potato pie in the oven, he was so envious!

I always take my turn to host and never skimp when I do

I'd hate to think a friend would spend money she couldn't afford making a meal for me. 🙁 It would make me think they had a poor opinion of me if they thought I would turn my nose up at a non-fancy meal.

OP, i thtink most people (myself included) just enjoy socialising with their friends regardless of what they choose to serve dinner wise!
If I went to a friends house and they made a big pot of chilli and bought tortilla chips and dip for example, I’d have a great time! It’s the company that matters, not the social pressure to ‘entertain’

If you can't afford to cook a simple meal for 4 people (say, yourselves and that friendly couple), then you shouldn't be going on holiday to Croatian villa at their expense. Equally, if you are willing to accept the tickets to Chelsea flower show (how much are they? 25quid each?), you need to pay back with a meal, or at least a round of drinks in a pub. Can's do it? Don't go.

What's wrong with just a country walk and some beers at a pub? Surely it doesn't cost a lot.
I've always been quite upfront about money, and say to a friend "nah, sorry, can't afford lunch/meal after work this month". I do send money to a friend on benefits when they ask, but occasionally said to a friend that the present they suggest (I always ask) is a bit too expensive for me to buy. I'd refuse to go on family holiday if I find my share expensive. No one died as a result or ostracised me. Poor people need to feel that they are not taking advantage of someone, that's essential for one's self-respect; wealthy people also like to be thanked and be treated in a thoughtful way which doesn't cost a lot.

Did you actually read what I said?

I completely understand where you are coming from OP.
I feel rude saying that I can't afford to go out for a meal for a friend's birthday, but it's reality and I think better than not being truthful. I'll often say "Sorry I can't afford that right now (car needs work etc.) but let's catch up for a walk/ drink next week."
Also it can be nice to buy tickets for events for eachother if it is someone you you usually get a birthday/ Christmas present for,then you still get to do some of the fun things and don't lose touch.

It is difficult when you would like to spend more time but can't. The best thing is to have a range of friends that you can do different things with.

I sympathise strongly with your position having been there myself. Could you suggest something a little more casual along the lines of everyone being a dish each? Like a pot luck dinner? Or ask guests to byob to save a bit of cost somewhere. As mentioned above I’d hate to think my friends were struggling and stressed due to feeling obligated to do something for me :(