Should the better off subsidise their less well off friends?

[isothickithinkimclever]

Just that really I have several people including a brother a sister and some friends who are far better off than us financially ( in other respects not so much tbh)
So when we do things with them
Or when it's our turn to reciprocate invites to houses I dread our turn as it's a huge impact on our finances.'thing is I love their company but I don't think they have any clue about what a struggle it is fir us to keep up with them.
It's our turn to have three couples fir dinner but I keep putting it off as paying fir food wine beers etc is going to be a strain.
I've known these people fir ever some are relatives
They know what my job is and what I earn and yet ..
My title is wrong what I mean is can you be friends with people who are far richer than you?

Equally, if you are willing to accept the tickets to Chelsea flower show (how much are they? 25quid each?)

I started laughing - they're £107 all day or £57 after 3.30pm or £45 after 5pm

rhschelsea.seetickets.com/content/ticket-options/#_ga=2.61626159.2079649456.1558608934-1624045115.1558608932

What's wrong with just a country walk and some beers at a pub?

^^ this is beyond ridiculous. So you've driven 2- 3 hours to go out and your host wants to drag you round he park. Oh behave! This isnt how normal people function.

Poor people need to feel that they are not taking advantage of someone, that's essential for one's self-respect; wealthy people also like to be thanked and be treated in a thoughtful way which doesn't cost a lot.

^^ love use of 'poor people', aww! sensitive.

So you've driven 2- 3 hours to go out and your host wants to drag you round he park. Oh behave! This isnt how normal people function.

Well colour me (and all my family and a good portion of my friends) weirdos then!

I am the rich one of my siblings, the rich one of all bar one groups of friends. I actually prefer the activities with the other groups, as I find the well-off group very 'spendy'.

We can't just meet up and have a few drinks and dinner, it has to be let's all go for a spin class, then an art exhibition, then dinner, then pay for a table at a club... eugh. The one who's hosting feels they really have to put on the weekend. Much more chilled when the objective isn't such a big show. After all, we're friends because we like each other, it shouldn't need some sort of activity to make it worthwhile spending time together!

We're the poor relations in our family and imo it depends. If they want us to all do something together then it needs to be something we can all afford, or we say no thanks, or they pay. So we've done weekends away together, where they stay in a hotel and we camp. But when they invited us to visit them in California the invitation included flights as this was totally beyond our budget. Being subsidised made me uncomfortable at first (still does occasionally) but Ive come to realise that they sometimes really do want our company without us having to "slum it" (in their eyes, they really are v wealthy) or just say "no thanks". But day to day it makes little difference - when they come to us the know they're coming to a 3 bed semi without extensive grounds and there will be no caviar on the menu.

I get it.

But do you/could you initiate activities and suggest things that are achievable for you?

So 'Come to ours for dinner –I'll host and we can all contribute. I'll make the main course, you decide between you who brings a starter/a side/pudding.'

Or, rather than Chelsea Flower Show, 'Let's all bring a picnic to a beautiful park.' Or find a villa/house that IS within your budget and suggest holidaying there.

I dont host at all as im really embarassed about our tiny rental .

I dont host at all as im really embarassed about our tiny rental

It's ok not to host but surely it would be just as embarrassing for people to accept others hospitality and not to offer to host themselves.

I'm on the better off side of this (at least at the moment) and am happy to spend time in the company of my friends/family. I don't expect money spent to be equal. I'd be happy to have a cheap meal (huge bowl of pasta and tomato sauce yum!) and no alcohol or to go round but not for a meal or to just be the one to host. I value their company not their food/drink.

You might be overestimating your friends disposable income it’s not uncommmon! But if they are richer they might have made sacrifices to get in that position, eg working hard at school, late nights in stressful jobs doing professional qualifications etc. But it is absolutely not on to expect them to subsidise you. My sister in law does this, spent most of her school years partying, works 2-3days a week then seems jealous of my earnings as I was the unpopular geek at school, working hard (and bullied) paid my own way through uni, had to move to other side of country for work, work very long hours in stressful job. Always hinting I should pay/it’s ok for you you’re rich etc. Actually I don’t have much disposable income.

Just cook what you can. A bag of potatoes is £2 couple some mince and veg etc prob means you could do a cottage pie for you all for £10. Tub of ice cram for pudding.

Far better to host something that is within your budget than not at all. Remember that they don’t care what you serve, they just want to spend time with you. If you repeatedly don’t invite them, they will get the wrong message and you may lose them as friends.

We are better off than most of our friends, and couldn’t care less what kind of evening or dinner they serve. For us it is all about the company.

Im not sure Id like to have a friend who thought I was too grand to be able to visit their home.

I think your challenge is probably the group aspect. If you were meeting on a 1:1 basis, your friends would probably automatically suggest something cheaper and be more accommodating. If all of them are of a similar income bracket and wanting to do things like holidays then it is trickier as they have every right to organise them.

I’ve been quite conscious that at various points of my life, I’ve been the rich friend compared to my school friends. But, until we bought our house (which naturally our friends looked up on rightmove...) no one actually realised it. We didn’t really change what we did with them from when there was more of a level playing field. It is a bit harder now that the disparity in incomes is a bit more obvious. Both me and my husband play things down and try to avoid mentioning certain things whereas I find we are a lot more open and honest with some of our newer friends that are on similar incomes as our lives and worries are more similar.

Agree that it’s all your own issue, OP. Why not just a breezy “ooh, bit out of our price range i’m afraid - how about we meet up in July for a catch up and a walk?”.

If I was your friend I wouldn’t bat an eye at someone declining due to cost. If I knew you had some sort of inverse snobbery thing going on I’d be pretty upset and wondering why you were my friend tbh.

In my circle of friend I tend to think along the lines of “ooh, this day out/event/holiday looks interesting, I bet X and Y would love it”, and i’d ask them if they wanted to come along. If they declined it’d be fine, but I probably also wouldn’t accept an offer to do something cheaper on the same date, as I specifically want to do the event. I’d happily agree to meeting up another time though. (Obviously different if it’s something that can be done any time).

Unicorn
I clearly don't give a toss about Chelsea show. Not everyone does, ever thought of that?
So you've driven 2- 3 hours to go out and your host wants to drag you round he park. Oh behave! This isnt how normal people function
You don't have to be a "host", or some competitor in Great British Fuck Off, or Come dine with me. Being just a friend who is seeing a friend is sometimes enough. And I don't care about your idea of norm.

Yep, poor and rich. That describes it plainly and clearly, and that's good enough. I didn't mean to be "sensitive".

I think many people are in their own bubble eg non parents not understanding the needs or lifestyle of parents, it's not only about income disparities, it can be about retired folk not understanding working parents, healthy people not understanding what it's like to have a chronic illness etc

It does make relationships more difficult but there are often ways to continue the relationship if both parties really want to.

If cooking it's possible to make amazing food on a tiny budget with a bit of creativity - cheap food generally means time rather than money. French food in particular can seem amazing but actually use cheap market ingredients. Pm me if you want some recipes. I cooked for 15 last week and spent £60 including wine and beer, and a cheese course. I could have saved 1/4 by changing the vegetables and cutting the cheese course

I think you need to say if you can't afford it. Otherwise how will they know?

I personally think it's a bit twatty to keep inviting a friend to things they blatantly can't afford. But if they don't know you can't afford it then they can't adjust accordingly.

I would much rather spend time with my friends than have some friends that can't come to certain events because they can't afford it. If there was something I really wanted to do with a friend who I knew couldn't afford it, I would subsidise. Like for example the Chelsea flower show I might buy tickets for their birthday. Or say I'd got a couple for my birthday type thing and get their ticket.

I would plan a holiday With friends according to everyone's budgets, not just go somewhere I can afford. Because for me the holiday with friends is important not the location.

I often feel like a poor relation among friends too - they all have husbands and therefore 2 incomes, and i don't earn as much as you'd think from my job title/ profession.

I do like to host but try not to make it too pricey!

I often feel like a poor relation among friends too - they all have husbands and therefore 2 incomes, and i don't earn as much as you'd think from my job title/ profession.

I do like to host but try not to make it too pricey!

Great British Fuck Off

Let's work this up and pitch it to the Beeb.

they all have husbands and therefore 2 incomes This thing about two incomes is a bit of a fallacy too. My DP and I technically have two incomes but he's an artist and earns way below minimum wage, and I'm by no means a banker or senior lawyer or anything very lucrative. And yes, two incomes means sharing bills etc but it also means buying food and household stuff for two, travelling costs for two, etc.

My best friend and her husband have a healthy income, me and OH, not so much. Sometimes she'll pay for meals out in London (I'm more than willing to pay my share) , in return I'll treat her out at mcds.(just one example). It sounds stupid, but it works , because it's still give and take.

And yes, two incomes means sharing bills etc but it also means buying food and household stuff for two, travelling costs for two, etc.

Well of course it does, but food and household stuff would be the same if not cheaper for 2 people sharing.

Just do a "buffet "type meal ,nice weather ATM.some pizzas /salads lots of crusty bread /garlic bread whatever .Jacket potatoes .dips and coleslaw .Buy some frozen desserts at Sainsburys /Asda or wherever .Couple of boxes of wine ,have something like 15 or 20 glasses per box ,Beers etc .Wont cost heaps and with plenty to drink they will all have a good time !

Food for two isn't cheaper than food for one. And we do more washing up/laundry etc than one person would.

It's really nice that they invite you though, would it not be worse if they didn't invite you bec they assumed you couldn't afford it?