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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I owe DD big time - this long weekend is going to be fun for no one

81 replies

EleventySeven · 22/05/2019 12:59

I agreed earlier in the year that we would spend a long weekend staying with an elderly friend who needed an extra pair of hands around the house, in a European city which we like to visit. We get a free room to stay in and she gets cups of tea and the laundry hung up. This woman is into her eighties and has slowed down a lot but still lives alone and drives her own car. DD was fine with this and happy to go to city 1.

This woman then told us she would actually love to visit another older and disabled friend during this period and asked if we'd come too. The friend lives in another country but only a couple of hours away by car across the border. She offered to drive us us all there and as we love to travel and had never visited city 2 before, I said yes.

Fast forward several weeks and the weekend is nearly upon us. I asked for the exact address of where we're going and my elderly friend explains that it's such a tiny basic cottage that there isn't an official postal address. There is no flushing toilet. (At least one of the women we'll be with is partly incontinent so I hope they have a good plan.) She showed me the exact location on the map and it's actually miles from the main city too so there's going to be a lot of additional car travel while we're there. DD and I both get travel sick on long car journeys and the journey to city 2 was already the borderline of what I thought was sensible. To make matters worse, DD and I are vegetarian which is something our friend knows but doesn't really understand and often forgets ("Not even little sausages? But how will she grow?") so the food situation is going to be potentially tricky too, especially so far from the city.

DD was unhappy that we're now going to city 2. When I tell her what I now know about the toilet situation, the exact location and the additional car travel she's going be really unhappy. I should have asked far more questions before agreeing to change the original plan but now everything is arranged.

This is going to be unpleasant for everyone, isn't it?

OP posts:
jarhead123 · 22/05/2019 13:01

Yes, I'm sorry but I'd be saying you can't go now, make up a tummy bug or something

BlueSkiesLies · 22/05/2019 13:02

Yeah that sounds like a crappy weekend away! Sorry :-(

Tell DD you'll make it up to her and if shes a good sport and doesn't complain you can do x together or she can have x?

UnicornBrexit · 22/05/2019 13:05

How old is DD ?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 22/05/2019 13:06

It doesn't sound like your elderly friend has thought this through. May well be a visit she would be better doing on her own, or do you think she is only confident to do it if you travel with her? Regardless, I don't think it will be any fun for you either. Also, I feel the amended trip has been slightly misrepresented to you in order to get you to agree?

Proseccoinamug · 22/05/2019 13:06

I would be telling your friend that I’m sorry, but with no flushing toilet and in such a remote location, we can’t go and visit her friend.

If she can drive herself, she can go there without you another time.

Tell her you’d love to come and stay with her but the friend’s location and accommodation won’t work for you and dd, and that if you’d realised you wouldn’t have agreed to the trip.

Summerorjustmaybe · 22/05/2019 13:07

You had me at driving in her 80's.
Flash backs of exmil refusing to drive above second gear......

TheRedBarrows · 22/05/2019 13:07

How old is your Dd?

Old enough to be left for a night in City 1?

I would say now that having travelled to City 1 the extra trip is too much in a short space of time and maybe be blunt and say ‘no way are we staying in a cottage with no facilities’ And day ‘I’m Not subjecting Dd and myself to that amount of travel sickness.

Not unless it would be lovely in its own right, canoeing on a lake, seeing wildlife etc?

I can’t see why she needs help hanging washing if she can drive two hours and back across borders.

Can Dd stay home with friends or other family?

Didiusfalco · 22/05/2019 13:09

My first thought is that this is entirely unfair on dd. If you as an adult decide to go ahead that is your choice but is there anyone else dd can stay with it while you go? It jus sounds like a terrible plan.

Original poster
EleventySeven · 22/05/2019 13:09

DD will be starting Year 6 in September.

She's unhappy and has asked me to drop her at her grandparents' house instead of this trip but city 1 flights were already booked ages ago and it would cost too much to rearrange now.

Yes, I'm going to give DD a free hand (within financial limits) for the August bank holiday, and probably the autumn half-term!

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 22/05/2019 13:18

You have to tell your elderly friend that you can't do the City 2 trip after all, and you're very sorry, but you hadn't realised all the implications of what it would involve when you said yes. She will have to do it without you or rearrange.

I've spent a long time agreeing to plans, then realising they'd be very bad for me but feeling that I couldn't then change my mind. You can. If you were doing this constantly and messing people about / letting them down that would be different. But you're not. It's your friend who's changed the goalposts. Tell her it can't be done, sooner rather than later.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2019 13:19

This isn’t what you signed up for and your friend sounds very independent if she can travel so far and put up with such basic facilities - I’m sure she can manage her own laundry and tea making?!

Don’t go. It sounds bloody awful. I’m vegetarian, get travel sick and consider a flushing loo an essential, not a luxury. Would be a hard no from me.

MatildaTheCat · 22/05/2019 13:19

Meh, no way. I would tell your friend that you’ve had a look into the second location and on reflection it’s not going to work out for you and DD so would she like to go this weekend as planned or perhaps reschedule for another time so you can spend time together as planned.

She’s being thoughtless and a bit selfish which, unfortunately isn’t unusual in the very elderly IME.

negomi90 · 22/05/2019 13:23

I'd drop her at grandparents (if they're free and willing). The money is already paid (and wasted) regardless of what you do. Miserable and sick abroad (but you at least you've paid for the misery) or happy with grandparents.
You gain nothing from taking her other than a miserable 10 year old to worry about.
Take her somewhere nice for the next bank holiday.

Original poster
EleventySeven · 22/05/2019 13:23

I feel the amended trip has been slightly misrepresented to you in order to get you to agree?

Having written all this out, yes, I am now feeling this and kicking myself. I would definitely have said no immediately if I had known the details. I do blame myself for not asking.

I'm not normally someone who just agrees to everything, but think my guard was down after she played the "poor old lady" card. She has said she doesn't feel confident travelling without someone else there to put bags in and out of the car and help with laundry and shopping.

We do have good family friends an hour outside city 1. If I could get DD to them perhaps she could stay there but they're in the countryside, we don't drive, and I'm not sure if I could get her there by public transport and get back again before the trip to city 2. I might give them a quick call on the off-chance someone is in the city that day and could pick her up.

OP posts:
DonPablo · 22/05/2019 13:24

Could you still go to city 1 and offer to do a deep clean or something instead of accompanying her to her pals? Your friend can still go, but without you? It sounds like she's capable of making the trip?

Alternatively just explain that you didn't realise how far it was from the city and about the travel sickness and you're not sure it's a good idea any more. If she's your friend you should be able to tell her you're not sure about this.

SnowsInWater · 22/05/2019 13:25

I think you need to wear the cost of DD's flight and leave her with her grandparents like she has asked. You have said the journey to City 1 was already pushing it in terms of car sickness, the whole trip has the makings of a disaster. As an adult you choose to risk it, I don't think it's fair to drag DD along. I had assumed at the start that she was an older teen/adult.

DonPablo · 22/05/2019 13:25

Ah, cross post. You're friend is taking the piss. Be honest and tell her you're not happy with the plan and that you have to think about your young daughter and the new plan doesn't work for you. Does she have any alternative ideas on how to make it work?

Mintychoc1 · 22/05/2019 13:27

No way - I'd just say you can't go to City 2, it's not practical with a young child.
But if you're intent on doing it, leave your poor daughter with her grandparents.

Blueeyesdarkhair · 22/05/2019 13:27

Sorry sounds dreadful. I’d be backing out of it with the reason you didn’t understand fully what was entailed.

Proseccoinamug · 22/05/2019 13:28

Just say no, OP. Don’t put your friend before your dd.

If you insist on going ahead with the trip to city 2, let dd stay with her grandparents. It’s not fair to drag her along to feel car sick and bored and do someone else’s washing, just because you can’t say no.

notatwork · 22/05/2019 13:29

Go to city 1, accompany elderly friend to country 2, set them up with groceries etc, drive to city 2, have a couple of nights with DD then pick up elderly relative on way back to city 1 for flights. She wants help with logistics rather than care while she's there surely?

Nanny0gg · 22/05/2019 13:29

I'd use Dd as a reason for not going to City2

DishingOutDone · 22/05/2019 13:30

Just tell her you both get car sick and you hadn't realised how far it was, but you would still really enjoy visiting her, as originally arranged. You have to say no. How poor old lady is she if she is driving 2+ hours, and on top of which you can't drive so what if she becomes ill and can't drive you back?!

adaline · 22/05/2019 13:30

No way would I go. Leave your DD with her grandparents if you don't have the guts to cancel.

TheRedBarrows · 22/05/2019 13:31

“She’s being thoughtless and a bit selfish which, unfortunately isn’t unusual in the very elderly IME.”

It isn’t unusual in and generation.

OP: either say that now you have the details of the second trip it is not what you had understood, and it is too much for you and Dd, or else let Dd stay with her grandparents.

And stop adding further complications about getting Dd to friends and back to you going to country hut and back.