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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I owe DD big time - this long weekend is going to be fun for no one

81 replies

EleventySeven · 22/05/2019 12:59

I agreed earlier in the year that we would spend a long weekend staying with an elderly friend who needed an extra pair of hands around the house, in a European city which we like to visit. We get a free room to stay in and she gets cups of tea and the laundry hung up. This woman is into her eighties and has slowed down a lot but still lives alone and drives her own car. DD was fine with this and happy to go to city 1.

This woman then told us she would actually love to visit another older and disabled friend during this period and asked if we'd come too. The friend lives in another country but only a couple of hours away by car across the border. She offered to drive us us all there and as we love to travel and had never visited city 2 before, I said yes.

Fast forward several weeks and the weekend is nearly upon us. I asked for the exact address of where we're going and my elderly friend explains that it's such a tiny basic cottage that there isn't an official postal address. There is no flushing toilet. (At least one of the women we'll be with is partly incontinent so I hope they have a good plan.) She showed me the exact location on the map and it's actually miles from the main city too so there's going to be a lot of additional car travel while we're there. DD and I both get travel sick on long car journeys and the journey to city 2 was already the borderline of what I thought was sensible. To make matters worse, DD and I are vegetarian which is something our friend knows but doesn't really understand and often forgets ("Not even little sausages? But how will she grow?") so the food situation is going to be potentially tricky too, especially so far from the city.

DD was unhappy that we're now going to city 2. When I tell her what I now know about the toilet situation, the exact location and the additional car travel she's going be really unhappy. I should have asked far more questions before agreeing to change the original plan but now everything is arranged.

This is going to be unpleasant for everyone, isn't it?

OP posts:
FreeFreesia · 22/05/2019 14:04

I would go and take DC. It's one weekend. She's in her eighties & you feel close enough to her that you've paid for flights. Yes your time is precious but it's the kind of laughably dreadful bonding experience most of us have had at some time. Show your DD you're a compassionate woman of your word and she will have a fab time in August as planned by her.

BarbarianMum · 22/05/2019 14:04

Personally I'd just suck it up and expect my child to do likewise. A couple of days without a flush toilet won't kill her, neither will having a weekend that's (possibly) less fun than she's expecting.

DecomposingComposers · 22/05/2019 14:08

If you can't drive and 2nd house is in the middle of nowhere, I'd be worried about relying on an 80+ year old, with mobility problems, being responsible for getting us out of there.

What if she gets ill, long drive irritates her hip problems? The long weekend might turn into a lot longer.

SuperSara · 22/05/2019 14:08

The flight cost is a sunk cost and irrelevant to your decision making.

This!

making your daughter utterly miserable isn't going to save you a penny.

Original poster
EleventySeven · 22/05/2019 14:12

She's in her eighties & you feel close enough to her that you've paid for flights.

No, we're not close friends, more friendly acquaintances. We were prepared to pay for flights to City 1 because we love it rather than to see her. It was a fair but pretty transactional agreement on both sides at the outset after she made the offer. There's no long family friendship to be damaged or ongoing mutual obligation.

OP posts:
Birdshitbridgegotme · 22/05/2019 14:13

Your friend Is very old and has said she doesn't feel confident making the journey alone. I would suck it up and go. Dont get me wrong I would be sa annoyed but qpuld just do it as I had alr ewe day agreed and dont like to let people down. How often does your friend get to see her friend? Maybe she's worrying with her age it might be the last time ? Where she doesn't get there often?

Peridot1 · 22/05/2019 14:20

Seriously don’t go. It sounds completely miserable.

Or tell your friend that having looked at it it will just not work for you to go to the other friend. Not fair on DD. So either you stick to the original plan or you cancel and will see her another time. A shame you may lose your flights but it sounds horrendous really.

Saavhi · 22/05/2019 14:26

played the "poor old lady" card

And this is your friend?

Haworthia · 22/05/2019 14:28

I think it’s very unfair of this lady to change your original plan to that.

I wouldn’t go along with it. It’s madness.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 22/05/2019 14:36

No, we're not close friends, more friendly acquaintances.

Bail. She changed the deal without being honest.

pallisers · 22/05/2019 14:38

I would simply tell her you cannot go to city 2 but are happy to have a visit with her in city 1. You should not bring your dd to a house with no flushing toilet. I'm afraid I don't think being 80 gives you a free pass to do what suits you with no consideration of others. there is no way you would drag your daughter to a remote location with no toilet requiring hours of car travel for anyone else is there? At the very least figure out how to leave her with her grandparents or a friend.

steppemum · 22/05/2019 14:45

just say, sorry but that trip isn't going to work for us is it?
Cottage too small, facilities too basic, and too far from city 2.

We would still love ot come and see you, but only in city 1.
Or we could look after your flat while you go away.
Or we will use the tickets to go and see our friends an hour outside city 1.

Or cancel with her and find a youth hostel to stay in so you can do your trip.

I think she has deliberately done this to get to her friend's house. Shame that she can't visit otherwise, but not on for you.

ThePerturbedPenguin · 22/05/2019 14:48

Bail!

FrogFairy · 22/05/2019 14:54

I think when this old lady offered you free accommodation she already had in mind a cunning plan to use your help to visit her friend.

I would use the flights but stay elsewhere, either in city 1 or with your friends/relations nearby.

Sarahandco · 22/05/2019 14:58

Broadband?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/05/2019 15:03

I suffer from travel sickness too and have never found any treatment that really works for me. I would be utterly miserable and so would anyone else around me in this situation. Is there just no flushing toilet, or is there also no running water?
There is no way for everyone to get what they want here. With a choice between upsetting a not-very-longstanding friend and making my child miserable, there wouldn't be much of a choice to be made. Of course you could choose to go yourself, but you might be better off just cancelling the whole trip and planning nice things to do at home.

HollowTalk · 22/05/2019 15:04

I wouldn't go and would invent a reason why pretty quickly.

Why would anyone want to stay in the second place?

This woman is only a friendly acquaintance. If she was a parent or grandparent it would be very different though I still wouldn't want to stay in a house without a toilet!

museumum · 22/05/2019 15:14

If old friend is only a couple of hours away from city 1 then can you not agree to just one day trip there to see the old friend and the countryside etc?
Spend the rest of the weekend as planned in city 1 but no overnight trip away. Leave at 8am, arrive at 10am, picnic lunch etc then leave and home in time for dinner. Yes, it's a long time in the car but frees up the rest of your weekend to do your own thing.
For the car sickness - Stugeron. Works wonders for my sicky ds and dh.

makingmammaries · 22/05/2019 15:24

Quick, get an Airbnb and tell your friend you will come for tea when she returns.

makingmammaries · 22/05/2019 15:25

You can tell her you don’t want to intrude on her trip to the other lady.

Ticklingcheese · 22/05/2019 15:26

Friend changing plans like that seems manipulative, she it taking what she can get.

Tell her you would still love to visit city 1 and help out. But both sides need to have a nice time. If she doesn't agree, go yourselves, get a cheap hotel.

Please don't make you daughter go (not even with bribes), I wouldn't and I would resent being forced.

Haworthia · 22/05/2019 15:55

I think when this old lady offered you free accommodation she already had in mind a cunning plan to use your help to visit her friend.

I think so too.

With a choice between upsetting a not-very-longstanding friend and making my child miserable, there wouldn't be much of a choice to be made.

Exactly, I wouldn’t put my DD through an awful trip like that. Wouldn’t do it to myself either!

Also - do you really want to take the risk of a long car journey with an 80yo driving? One who clearly doesn’t feel able to do the trip independently?

Ticklingcheese · 22/05/2019 16:04

The review for the driving license could be due to her age, but it could be because of a previous accident.
I'm not in UK, here it would not be because of age no matter how old.

NanooCov · 22/05/2019 17:23

I think you've got a few options given your update:

  1. Tell your friend you can no longer come at all. Keep your flights and go with DD. Find cheap accommodation for you both.
  1. Tell your friend you can come but the jaunt to City 2 is not happening. Go with DD and try to make the best of it.
  1. Leave DD with her grandparents or other friends and make it up to her another time. Go on your own to help friend (including trip to City 2).
  1. Cancel the whole thing and stay at home with DD.
KTheGrey · 22/05/2019 17:38

It's never a good idea to do something which sounds like the start of a Stephen King novel, imo.

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