AIBU to think I owe DD big time - this long weekend is going to be fun for no one

[EleventySeven]

I agreed earlier in the year that we would spend a long weekend staying with an elderly friend who needed an extra pair of hands around the house, in a European city which we like to visit. We get a free room to stay in and she gets cups of tea and the laundry hung up. This woman is into her eighties and has slowed down a lot but still lives alone and drives her own car. DD was fine with this and happy to go to city 1.

This woman then told us she would actually love to visit another older and disabled friend during this period and asked if we'd come too. The friend lives in another country but only a couple of hours away by car across the border. She offered to drive us us all there and as we love to travel and had never visited city 2 before, I said yes.

Fast forward several weeks and the weekend is nearly upon us. I asked for the exact address of where we're going and my elderly friend explains that it's such a tiny basic cottage that there isn't an official postal address. There is no flushing toilet. (At least one of the women we'll be with is partly incontinent so I hope they have a good plan.) She showed me the exact location on the map and it's actually miles from the main city too so there's going to be a lot of additional car travel while we're there. DD and I both get travel sick on long car journeys and the journey to city 2 was already the borderline of what I thought was sensible. To make matters worse, DD and I are vegetarian which is something our friend knows but doesn't really understand and often forgets ("Not even little sausages? But how will she grow?") so the food situation is going to be potentially tricky too, especially so far from the city.

DD was unhappy that we're now going to city 2. When I tell her what I now know about the toilet situation, the exact location and the additional car travel she's going be really unhappy. I should have asked far more questions before agreeing to change the original plan but now everything is arranged.

This is going to be unpleasant for everyone, isn't it?

notatwork OP can't drive.

You're being very mean to take your DD. Leave her with her grandparents. And make sure you have good life insurance for being driven by an 80 year old

Going against the grain here, but I think you should both go. Your friend is elderly, her friend is elderly, I think it would be a kind thing to do to help them to have what might be one of the last times they get to see each other.

Lots of people all over the world cope with non flushing toilets/squat toilets/bucket under a bench toilets. If you are only there for the day then I think you can cope. Take some cheese/fruit/salad with you to the other friends house. Say you have had a stomach problem if anyone queries.

See this as an opportunity to teach your daughter a lesson in kindness, forbearance and tolerance, and an awareness of how other people live. Sometimes we have to think more of other people's feelings than we do of our own.

Lots of travel sickness pills, sips of water, wrist bands for the psychological support. You will be fine.

Sounds horrible and no way would I subject myself to it, let alone my dd. I'd contact your friend and tell her that, given the new information, the trip to the older lady won't be possible. If she insists on going then look up an Airbnb now and do your own thing with dd.

Get elderly relative to drop you in city 2 and book a hotel with DD while ER visits her toilet-free friend. She can pick you up on the way back. Her friend can help her get her bag out of and into the car (weird reason to need you?!). If she’s able to drive to city 2 at all she can manage to drive to the friends house.

It’s perfectly possible for you to say, sorry I can’t take DD to your friends cottage and you hadn’t told me this was the plan when we originally arranged it.

I would not be spending my precious free weekends doing this shit

The flight cost is a sunk cost and irrelevant to your decision making.

Either cancel the whole thing, tell your friend to cancel the second location visit, or go and leave DD with her grandparents as requested.

My DD would suck it up and make the best of it, knowing that she's got some serious leverage on my purse :D

It sounds awful, don’t make your dd go on this trip if she doesn’t want to and has willing grandparents to stay with! What will she get out of it? Nausea, disgusting toilet facilities and boredom? Sounds great. Either tell your friend you can’t go to city 2 now that you know the details or go and suffer it on your own and let your dd have a nice weekend with her grandparents.

Do you actually trust your elderly friend to be able to drive there and back safely? That would make or break it gor me, really. Either she's so fragile she needs help doing the laundry, or she's sprightly enough to be able to do independent travelling.

No way I’d be going that second journey, I too suffer with motion sickness. You’re going to have to either suck it up and go, or front it out with the ‘poor old lady’ I wouldn’t lie, lies always end up making things worse.

I just want to echo those who are questioning going for a long drive with an elderly person especially as you don't drive. What will you do if anything goes wrong?

Don’t go!

It sounds truly awful.

Why would you even contemplate dragging your daughter to see an incontinent stranger in a house with no toilet?

Why?

Cancel this trip, you’re being taken for a mug, there’s no reason for you to accompany the sprightly 80 yo that drives.

I’m agreeing with the don’t do it comments! I think your reasons against it are completely valid and should you have known you wouldn’t have initially agreed. Offer to pack the old ladies bags into her car and help any way possible other than go to city 2! Perhaps she would let you stay at her place in city 1 whilst she visited city 2? Or offer to accompany her in the car as far as city 2 where she can drop you off and continue to her friends and you can have the week end in city 2

Your an adult you don’t have to follow through with something you really don’t want to do.

You should go anyway. It’ll be an interesting experience. And a non-flushing toilet isn’t a problem — every toilet I’ve used in India outside of a posh hotel/restaurant requires you to pour water in to wash away waste (tissues then go into a carrier bag and thrown away). It’s not a big deal, you just keep a plastic bottle of water just for use in the toilet.

AnyFucker I would not be spending my precious free weekends doing this shit

That made me ! Me neither!! Life's too short!

If she is so in need of help, how does she manage on a daily basis?

I think she’s played you on this one OP. Let’s visit my friend in city 2, when really it’s lets visit my friend nowhere near city 2 with no loo!!

My mother's 81. Are you sure this 80 year old isn't playing the 'poor ol' dear, she's awfully frail, needs a bit of help, this could be her last chance' card, knowing full well what she's doing?

Because I know for a fact that my mother does, to get people to do what she wants, when she knows she's asking a great deal more than she really ought. I've had her on about it, and she fully copped to it!

It does make one a tad cynical about the poor doddery old dears.

I'm more worried about the issues in the OP and DD than the driving ability at the moment.

This woman has specific issues with her hips which make bending, lifting and walking any distance difficult. Once she is sitting behind the wheel of a car she appears fine. She has recently had to undergo a local official review of some sort to retain her licence. I'm not sure if this was something age or health related but she was assessed as still fit to drive.

I'm looking at cancelling entirely either for both of us or just DD, if I can figure out the logistics to get her to grandparents or family friends for those days. Staying in city 2 only, which someone suggested, looked like a possibility for a few minutes but comes with its own complications.

Can't believe I got us into this mess.

Tell her you will not be going to city 2, or she drops you in city 2 and yo and DD stay in a hotel and she picks you up on the way back.

That doesn't sound very safe or practical for anyone.

Actually, if you have family near the firs t city, tell her you aren’t going on holiday to see her at all. If she needs someone to make her cups of tea she needs to be a in a home. Use the flights and go and stay with your family if they are free.

I’d be terrified of my DD being in a car with an 80 year old driving on a long journey. No way, even with me there. Don’t put your DD in a potentially stressful and IMO potentially dangerous situation.

Just be honest with your friend and ask her if she'd mind reverting to the original plan?