AIBU to think I owe DD big time - this long weekend is going to be fun for no one

[EleventySeven]

I agreed earlier in the year that we would spend a long weekend staying with an elderly friend who needed an extra pair of hands around the house, in a European city which we like to visit. We get a free room to stay in and she gets cups of tea and the laundry hung up. This woman is into her eighties and has slowed down a lot but still lives alone and drives her own car. DD was fine with this and happy to go to city 1.

This woman then told us she would actually love to visit another older and disabled friend during this period and asked if we'd come too. The friend lives in another country but only a couple of hours away by car across the border. She offered to drive us us all there and as we love to travel and had never visited city 2 before, I said yes.

Fast forward several weeks and the weekend is nearly upon us. I asked for the exact address of where we're going and my elderly friend explains that it's such a tiny basic cottage that there isn't an official postal address. There is no flushing toilet. (At least one of the women we'll be with is partly incontinent so I hope they have a good plan.) She showed me the exact location on the map and it's actually miles from the main city too so there's going to be a lot of additional car travel while we're there. DD and I both get travel sick on long car journeys and the journey to city 2 was already the borderline of what I thought was sensible. To make matters worse, DD and I are vegetarian which is something our friend knows but doesn't really understand and often forgets ("Not even little sausages? But how will she grow?") so the food situation is going to be potentially tricky too, especially so far from the city.

DD was unhappy that we're now going to city 2. When I tell her what I now know about the toilet situation, the exact location and the additional car travel she's going be really unhappy. I should have asked far more questions before agreeing to change the original plan but now everything is arranged.

This is going to be unpleasant for everyone, isn't it?

She has said she doesn't feel confident travelling without someone else there to put bags in and out of the car and help with laundry and shopping

You think that's all you'll be doing? You've been well recruited. It won't be a break, it'll be work and if there's some sort of emergency situation with these 2 elderly people you'll be well screwed to boot if you don't drive.

Don't put your bairn through that.

It's never a good idea to do something which sounds like the start of a Stephen King novel, imo.

I'd back out, citing toilet issue & car sickness, re the second part. If she's fit & OK enough to drive she can do that bit another time on her own. She's a bit cheeky amending the plans to something that sounds a bit grim.

Can you not just tell the friend you are ill and can’t come, then book a hotel room in the city and go just the two of you, bypassing her entirely?

Whatever you decided to do yourself, the money for the air travel is already spent whether DD goes or not. So forcing her to go somewhere that'll make her miserable just to justify the cost makes things worse, not better.

Let her go to her GPs and go on your own if you really don't want to back out.

yes, it sounds transactional and her details have gone completely wrong!

so I'd either cancel - well I would tbh, because she sounds a CF, plus also it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

or as a pp said, use the flights and see if you can find an affordable hotel. But don't go just because you are thinking you've paid the money. Paying out more money to be miserable makes no sense!